Pete Doherty

Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty opened up to NME (Side note: You're not alone if the words "Pete Doherty" and "opened up" in the same sentence makes your brain burp up the image of Goatse.) about how all he could do was shit, cry, yodel, shit and shit after his best friend and partner in fuckery Amy Winehouse died. Shit got so serious that Dreamy was close to needing a scuba kit to breathe under the rising scat stew that almost drowned him. Dreamy said:

"When Amy died I was sat in a matchbox room in Camden Town, not able to leave, basically wallowing in my own filth. Literally knee-deep in shit. Literally not able to move. I couldn't speak, I couldn't see anyone, I couldn't pick up the guitar and when I did pick up the guitar it was woeful ballads about how Amy wouldn't be coming round tonight. It wasn't a very inspiring time."

On a positive note, at least he got a bath, even if it was a scat bath. I swear, I need to scrub my brain with a Baby Wipe after that visual and I'm surprised this is the first time I've had that visual since rolling around on a bed of caca seems like a regular day for Dreamy.

And yes, after all that, I still would, but sucking on his knee caps is out of the question!

There comes a time in every trick's life when they have to grow up and graduate from young mess to old mess. Like take me for instance. I've been trying to drink red wine instead of tequila, because a bunch of doctor types on TV say that drinking 1 bottle of red wine every night makes your heart healthy and shit. Yes, those doctors might've said to drink 1 glass of red wine, but I was too drunk on red wine to fully understand and I don't want to undernourish my heart of the red wine it needs. It's better to be drunk than sorry. (Side note: Shouldn't health insurance companies pay for your red wine? It's heart juice! Somebody should tell Dr. Oz to get on this. He's the Surgeon General, right? I know he's at least the Surgeon Lieutenant.) Besides, ordering red wine at a restaurant makes you look extra classy.

Pete Doherty is growing up with me, because he has hung up his heroin needles for good. It's not like Dreamboat has anymore veins his arms, but if he did, he wouldn't stick a syringe full of the liquid bad shit into them anymore. Dreamy is only going to smoke his heroin from now on. That right there is the sign of a TRUE adult.

Dreamy had a conversation with The Independent to promote his new art show (???) in London and he talked about almost getting fork raped in the chokey and how he will never ever kiss his veins with the lips of a needle again.

On how Kate Moss had a serious elephant fetish: "Kate used to collect elephants, so I'd buy them for her wherever I went. When we split up she destroyed all my stuff, but she didn't destroy my elephants. Because I couldn't get over her for a while I just kept buying elephants and now I've got a huge elephant collection for sale. I might post them anonymously to her as a wedding present."

On what he regrets about his relationship with Kate: "The drugs. The thing is, she knew from day one when we began our relationship that I was using very heavily. She knew that. So, you can't suddenly turn around and say, 'you've got to stop all that'. I do have regrets about Kate, but I wouldn't want to talk to you about them. I'd only talk to a highly skilled doctor with large amounts of morphine and a hypnotherapist. And a small monkey."

On how he's retired from shooting up, because he wants to turn down his crackie antics for his new girlfriend: "I've stopped injecting. The only way I see myself in a serious relationship is if I am toning it down a bit. When you're banging up all day you can't really have someone else in your life, especially if she's an English rose. I wouldn't let her touch anything, I just wouldn't."

On how some dude threatened to butt rape him with a fork in prison: "I got on OK in Pentonville [in 2006] because it was kind of my local, if you like. A lot of people wanted to get me, but more wanted to do me a favour. In Wayland last year it was lads from east rather than north London, and loads of other places. People I didn't know. I didn't have any money, I didn't have any drugs. One guy said he was going to stick a fork up my arse. I threw my telly at him because I thought that would get me put in isolation."

On how his new daughter: "The little girl was two months premature. I said I'd try to be there for the birth. You know what, I don't want to talk about that. Yeah, she's mine. We're using the baby's blood in one of the pictures." (Note: The interviewer says he thinks Dreamy was joking about that last part, but I'd be disappointed if a Pete Doherty art show didn't have at least one work of newborn blood on it.)

2012 really is putting all of us through the changes. Case in point: Dreamy is getting Kate Moss a wedding gift that isn't a crack pipe necklace and he handled that whole "fork rape" thing the way any normal person would by throwing a TV at that crazy bitch. The old Pete Doherty would've told that dude he'll fuck two forks for a crack rock, a spoon and a syringe. You're a big kid now, Dreamy!

Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty looks about as clean as a subway rat's torn off hemorrhoid floating in a Port-A-Potty toilet at the Gathering of the Juggalos, and yet he's still in my Top 5 for reasons that are probably written down on my medical file at the free clinic. But even though I'm a disgusting piece of trash who may or may not have been known to put his retainer right back on after drunk barfing it out into a public toilet, I still wouldn't let Dreamboat's bare dick near me without injecting it with the cure from Contagion first. I'd also have to get a rat to nibble the cheese off and then I'd mummify it with condom shreds dipped it in Barbicide. But that's just me and Dreamy's ex-girlfriend Lindi Hingston is not like me. Lindi did it bareback-style with Dreamy and nine months later out popped a baby girl she named Aisling Doherty.

The South African model told the South African Sunday (via Daily Mail) that Aisling was born on Boxing Day of last year. Lindi called Dreamy when he was locked up in prison and told him that his son Astile now has a half-sister. Dreamy wants to visit Aisling, but he's on probation right now and can't leave the country. The worst part of all of this is what Dreamy said about the birth of Aisling. Dreamy said he was:

OVER THE MOON!!!!!

You know, I'm going to let that one slide, because Dreamy was probably hallucinating on (insert the name of any mind-altering substance here and you won't be lying) and he was flying over the moon in his head.

The Daily Mail has pictures of young Aisling Doherty and she looks so pure and so innocent to the fact that her biological daddy is on The Health Department's Most Wanted List. No, truthfully, I'm sure Dreamy will make a wonderful father. Dreamy will teach Aisling that if you never brush your teeth, you'll have a four-course meal stuck in your molars. So when the the apocalypse hits, all of us will be starving while Dreamy will be eating a full meal off of his teeth. See, we can all learn something from Dreamy. Oh, Aisling, why so lucky?

It's been a while since I've checked up on Pete Doherty and in case you're shooting up with the cold sweats in the middle of the night wondering about him, he's still a fingernail gunk of a mess. The Sun says that Dreamboat was strolling through a flea market in Paris with his girlfriend when his glazed-over eye marbles caught five of the most beautiful things he's ever seen in his entire life: a family of antique crackpipes from the 1930s! I'm sure that moment was like something out of a joint episode between Intervention and Antiques Roadshow. And of course, Dreamy's first question to the dealer was.......

"He loved them and said he would take them all – then asked the guy if the pipes could still be used to smoke with.

"Pete had a stunning girl on his arm who looked the spit of Kate Moss and he was very friendly, polite and funny."

In Dreamy's defense, he always asks if he can smoke crack out of it before he buys it. That should be everyone's number one rule in life: If you can't smoke out of it, don't waste your money on it! That's why I make sure all the butt plugs I buy can double as a bong.

The rats of London are aimlessly wandering the streets today, wondering whose ears they will nibble cheese out of in the middle of the morning now that their all-you-can-eat buffet Pete Doherty has been sent to the chokey for six long months! Never mind the rats, whose whiskey veins are alcoholic mosquitoes going to suckle on when they need an always reliable buzz?! And what about the bed bugs who holiday in the pools of grease on Dreamboat's scalp? The future of London's entire ecosystem is at stake here!

But a judge didn't care about that this morning when the gavel was brought down and Dreamy was sentenced to six months. I suppose Dreamy had it coming since he pleaded guilty to cocaine possession last month. The bobbies (just let me call them bobbies, okay) charged Dreamy with holding the bad shit after Robin Whitehead, a filmmaker working with him, died of an overdose in her apartment. Dreamy apparently gave her the shit that pushed her way over the edge. In court this morning, Dreamy said he was sad about her death.

This is the third time Dreamy has been jailed for drug shit.

Well, the least thing prison officials can do is to provide Dreamy with tubes of creamed coffee grounds and alley cat bile to keep his teeth as yellow as the butter lube Paula Deen slathers all over her cream pies. Dreamy without yallaw teefs is like the sun without shine.

via BBC News

Here's the always sexy Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty suffocating the grease-eating pore dwellers on his scalp by wearing an upside down barristers' wig outside of court in London yesterday. Oh, that Dreamy's always making a joke out of the British justice system one way or another! The scab crust on my heart was at his home away from the crackhouse yesterday to face charges for cocaine possession in connection with a socialite's death. Dreamy might've given her the 8 ball that took her over the edge. Dreamy bit the guilty bullet and will go back to court on May 20th for sentencing.

The judge let Dreamy know that because his criminal record is messy messy messy, he's probably going to go to jail for a third time. The accommodations in the chokey are nicer and more luxurious than the ones in Dreamy's own house (aka a tent made from old coats under a bridge), but he's not going there. In this day and age, no judge is going to put that precious face behind bars. Thanks to the royal wedding, all eyes are on England. They want to parade their prized beauties in front of the world, so he's not going anywhere.

And never mind that the wig on Dreamy's head looks better than Brit Brit's weave, he really isn't right for taking that shit. That's a health violation on every level. I'm sure the barrister put that wig back on her head before going back inside. Mutant lice are now running rampant all over the court house and they'll have to shut that shit down for fumigation for MONTHS! Wait. Maybe that was all part of Dreamy's plan after all. Naw. He just wanted to give everyone a quick tingle by accentuating his succulent jowls with that blonde wig.

Or you can also look at this picture as "Gollum getting high on his own farts while his fellow passenger quickly learns how to breathe through her asshole." In case you couldn't already tell from your nose hairs curling up and your carbon monoxide detector screaming for mercy, this is Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty steaming up a car with his lady friend in London. If the driver wasn't hospitalized for a collapsed lung then he must be made of bionic parts.

Being in that car was probably like being trapped in a well-insulated tent with an elephant who just ate a pool full of curry and the only thing in there for you to cover your nose with is Ke$ha's armpit. Fucking one of your nose holes with a skunk's used tampon is a more pleasant experience than sitting in that car with Dreamy. This is exactly what you see when you put a microscope up to one of your wet fart bubbles.

That said, I still would over and over again. Don't act like rolling around on a Slip 'N Slide covered with ass sweat doesn't sound like a good time. Afterward, you'd have to shave your hair, marinate in a bath of piping hot Febreze and get a priest to exorcise the stank from your pores, but it'd still be worth it!

Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty took a well-deserved break from shooting the movie "Confession D'Un Enfant Du Siecle" in Paris, France to spend time with his forever soulmate, a beautiful and delicious glass of sweet nectar. Have you ever seen a love so pure and true before? You can almost see a heart frame of foamy hearts around them. Aphrodite is like, "This is what I've been going on about!"

The two were in their own private world as Dreamy's new love whispered sweet nothings into his ear after he gently kissed it on the lips. Dreamy's hair fleas were so touched that they played Für Elise on each other's legs.

You know something is really in real love with you when it starts foaming at the mouth. Or maybe that glass of beer caught rabies from Dreamy.

No, this is not a picture of Joyce DeWitt after another drunken night of debauchery at the Regal Beagle. In case you couldn't tell from the puss that has pushed itself out of your zit hole and is now splattered across your monitor, this is Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty looking as swole as a pregnant lady's foot at the launch of his new exclusive line of luxury joo-ree in London tonight.

Just in time for Hanukkah! And just in time for flu season too since you will need a shot of something germ-killing before you slip up on one of Dreamy's trinkets. It's a good thing I get my CDC-mandated shots at the top of every month, because one of Dreamy's necklaces will be on my Christmas wish list this year! Wait. You can get that shit at Claire's, right?

If you are a card carrying member of The S.A.L.T., then you better put on your anti-masturbation gloves right now and run far far away from this post! Because the sight and smell (yeah, the co-worker next to you didn't burp and queef again) of Dreamboat Doherty will send a shot of lust straight to your loins that even God can't control. That burning itching down below needs to be scratched. If only RID made lube.

It's been a while since Dlisted's genital warts flared up for Dreamy, but here he is (with enough shit under his nails to start his own ant farm) peeking at all of the action outside of a court house in London during George Michael's sentencing. Whenever Dreamy misses the days of getting yelled at by a judge, he drives up to a court house to get his fix. This is his porn. You can tell, because his cracked out eyes are so wide that even STAINS is telling him to calm down.

And now, I'll leave the two of you alone. And I'll also place a call to the exterminator, because you totally have bed bugs now.