Gross

After A-Roidy admitted to juicing up, he ran back to his ex-wife Cynthia instead of finding comfort in Vadge's big, roidy labia lips. This does not please Vadge. Hear He-Vadge roar!

Some nosy bitch tells Gatecrasher that after the sort-of roid scandal hit, A-Roidy jumped on the next jet to Florida to bawl on Cynthia's biceps. Vadge took this as the "ultimate dis." A-Roidy's people didn't want him to go to Vadge, because they think he's already had enough bad publicity.

The source went on to say, "Madonna and A-Rod have been burning up the phones. and she keeps on insisting that Jesus is just a PR stunt. Alex says he understands, and now he's asking her to understand that salvaging his career is his priority."

Why do I picture them rubbing their phones all over their muscly nutsacks while moaning like bears? Burning up the phone, literally.

Staying away from Vadge is also salvaging his peen. Just like shooting up roids shrivels your dick down a bit, so does sticking it in Vadge's cocktrap.

Vadge is apparently so desperate (the word was made for her) to see A-Roidy that she's planning some kind of secret rendezvous with him in the Hamptons.

Okay, what is it about A-Roidy? Vadge has got herself a sexy cross of raw sex named Jesus and her puss is slobbering over big-titted A-Roidy? Does he cum steroids or some shit? Does it turn her on that her roidy clit is longer and fatter than his wang? I don't get it!

By the way, Mayor Bloomberg better put NYC on high alert. If Vadge is angry, she might start throwing cars around and climbing buildings.

SPOILER ALERT! Edie Britt, the resident cunt of Desperate Housewives, is done with that shit and will be leaving the show at the end of the season. This is gross news for the two of you who still watch this caca fiesta, me included. ABC confirmed Nicollette's departure to TV Guide.

ABC didn't say how Edie would be written off the show, but Ted Casablanca at E! claims he knows how it's going to go down. A script is currently going around has one of Edie's final scenes in it. According to Ted, this is what happens: "Edie finds out that her husband, Dave, plans to kill her—and Dave almost does kill her. She runs out of the house, but, alas, poor Edie gets in an accident, something involving her car and an electrical wire."

Please tell me this is a joke and that's not how Edie's swan song is going to play out. Unless, she gets electrocuted from masturbating with the electrical wire, this is not how Edie should go out. She deserves something grand and slutty. A freak vibrator accident, or accidentally choking to death on a massive wang. Something like that! Ugh.

Edie is not the one who should be sent to the glue factory. The bitch knows who Spaghetti Cat is! This is reason alone to keep her. Honestly, I'd do the "fuck yes" dance in my black thong if they threw Susan, Gaby and Katherine into coffins. It would be a quick death scene too. All three get trapped in an elevator together and die from annoying the fuck out of each other.

St. Angie and Brad Pitt were voted the celebwhores with the "most kissable" lips in a readers' poll on FeelUnique.com, so the website commissioned sculptor Willard Wigan to carve their heads on a tube of lipstick. Both tubes are currently up for auction over at eBay. It's up to $300 so far with 7 days left. All proceeds from the auction will go to the Breast Cancer Campaign.

While Willard perfectly captured Brad's weepy, life sucked face, why does he have Lyle Lovett's hair and my Mii's eyebrows? And St. Angie looks like she's fucking caught in a windstorm. Oh, I get it. She's sucking the life out of Brad. Willard might be a genius.

Jennifer Aniston is totally going to win this shit just so she can finally get Angie to kiss her ass lips and leave a mark.

If you're ever invited to Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick's Chelsea nest, make sure your fingers are working so you can plug your nose, because apparently that place reeeeeeks. Gossip Girl's leading whores never clean that shit claims a source who spilled the jizz to Gatecrasher. They said, “It stinks! Those boys are slovenly and have garbage and clothes everywhere. You’d think they were living in a frat house!”

I bet it smells like ass jelly, Wet pineapple lube, Paul Mitchelle's entire haircare line and MAC's liquid camouflage in there. But seriously, how can they clean when Chace is too busy carefully brushing Ed's luxurious gooch hair? Priorities, people! There's a reason for them.

And I think these two need a maid. A maid that really won't clean, will eat all their food, will lay down most of the day and watch them makeout. I volunteer for the job. I'll work for air kisses and Bagel Bites.

This is just one of the many barf-inducing bowls of grossness that Fishsticks Paltrow will serve up in her new macrobiotic cookbook. The shit book will be published next year under the title "My Father's Daughter" and will focus on "the importance of togetherness at mealtime, emphasising that cooking for your family is the ultimate expression of love."

Personally, I like to celebrate togetherness by gathering around a buffet of carbohydrates filled with preservatives and bashing Fishsticks' mega snobbery with fellow haters. That sounds like the ultimate expression of love to me.

If you want a Goop experience, then save your coins and don't buy Fishy's book. Instead, take equal parts of delusion, narcissism and fakery, stir in a big bowl using the stick up Fishy's ass. Then swallow the mixture. Wait 30 minutes, then vomit it all up into a bowl. Sprinkle some ORGANIC flax seeds on top and serve with a smug ass smile. There you go! You've got yourself a Fishsticks-approved bowl of poopy GOOP!

Here's the GOOPess herself looking like a dried-up fishstick while being miserable in London yesterday.

Joaquin Phoenix said "BYE! GOOD" to Hollywood and told anyone who gave a shit that he was going to focus on music. And by "music," he meant homeless dude rapping. He debuted his sad hobo-on-a-subway act in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago with his friend Casey Affleck documenting the whole pathetic show on camera. Now, two whores have told EW that Joaquin's new career is just a fucking 5th grade art project for him. A joke. A ha-ha. A funny. An "I got you." Like we didn't know that already?

One of the whores said, "He said, 'It's a put-on. I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.'" The other whore piped in, "It's an art project for him. He's going full out. He probably has told his reps that he's quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control."

Art never looked so mangy.

Wouldn't it be so much fucking fun to just go around playing stupid ass jokes on everyone? Life is just one big fun game! I'm sure this shit is a stupid ass hoax, but Joaquin still has crazy bugs dropping crazy shits in his crazy brains. Joaquin needs to drop this fakery (also related to fuckery and faggotry) and go do something better with his life like re-grout my bathroom tile or teach my dog how to do the Macarena.

And Joaquin needs more people. Vanilla Ice already played that "I'm a white boy who can rap" hoax on everyone. Although, I don't think Vanilla has let us in on the joke yet.

Thanks Alia

I know that's a picture of Sanjaya's sister, but if he were to pose nude, his picture would look a lot like this. But with more pubies on the face and a lot more Sanjayaness (aka fiiiiierceness) in the eyes. Now, you can go ahead and file this post under: "things you never wanted to know about Sanjaya but were told anyway."

On Howard Stern's (via MarksFriggin) show the other day, Sanjaya said he would gladly show off his peenjaya and his sangina but only in a "classy way." That means he wants to be laying on a bear skin rug with a single red rose between his nalgas. He went on to say, "“if it were a really classy…I wouldn’t do Playgirl…in the future, done right.” I'm thinking Sanjaya would like to pull a HoHan and recreate Marilyn Monroe's famous nude shoot. That's what he has in mind and he would Sanjaya the fuck out of that shit!

Sanjaya also denied that he likes a warm pair of skin nuts in his mouth every now and again. He told Howard that he loves the snatch and handed over his v-card when he was 16. He even has a girlfriend now and they do sexy times ALL the time. I bet that shit is pretty good for Sanjaya. His girlfriend's vagina lips laughing at his peen probably creates an extra vibration.

And now you might want to get a long skewer to poke out the images your brain will create after this next shit. Howard asked Sanjaya how big his peenjaya was. Howard is cute. He believes he actually has one of those! But seriously, Sanjaya said the last time he measured it was when he was 13. It was 6 inches then. That's your cue to put the skewer in!

Here's the future Playboy Playmate of 2010 leaving Good Morning America today looking like a wet El DeBarge on the bad shit.

Has Satan been playing matchmaker again, because FoxNews' Pop Tarts says the walking wig cemetary known as Kim Zolciak and the skeeze of all skeezes Joe Francis are "dating." Do you hear that? I think it's the sound of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloping towards us. Or maybe it's just my stomach dry heaving.

Kim and her new Big Papa apparently were spotted "getting cozy" at Sundance (aka FUGDANCE) this past weekend. They also shared a house together with some other hos.

Nothing pretty can come out of this union. Nothing. There is not a pill out there strong enough to help me deal with seeing Kim lift her shirt up and flash her microwaved plasti-tits in the next Girls Gone Wild video. They will have to change the title to Delusional Hags Gone Wild.

But maybe douchebag Joe has something else planned. Maybe he will finally solve the mystery as to what's under Kim's back alley wig by getting her to rip it off in Wigs Gone Wild! I think DeShawn Snow is the only one that has seen what's hiding underneath there. That's why she can't unclench her fucking jaw. She's been traumatized!

There's a tightrope.....and I may need to throw myself off of it if Kim and Joe really are bumping baginas.

Thanks Micah

Joaquin Phoenix crawled out from under one of the Abandonded Couch's seat cushions, where he's been living, to host some party at Lavo in Las Vegas last night. They should have changed that club name to Lavado for the night, because that's what Joaquin needs to do. Preferably in a HazMat facility and in a stainless steel tub filled with RID. You know there's some mutant lice-flea-scabie creatures living on his nasty ass. Just looking at him makes my skin itch like there's tiny hobo animals burrowing into my pores.

Those are some dumb bitches who are posing that close to him. I won't feel sorry for them when they wake up with maggots in their cooch or assholes. That's what they get. If I entered a club and Joaquin was there, I would quit that bitch in a second and put in an anonymous tip to the CDC.

Sucking on his peen must be like eating a spoonful of rancid cottage cheese. You'll have to gargle with battery acid to get the taste out.

Anyway, Casey Affleck was also there last night because he's directing a documentary about Joaquin trying to break into the rap game. Yes, a fucking rapper. Sorry, but if I want to watch a drunk ass hobo try to rap, I'll take the damn subway during rush hour.

Yes, this is totally real. But honestly, it's still kind of gross. At first I thought it was a video of Bronx Mowgli's birth. This has to be a viral video for Ray-Ban, American Apparel or some other shit.

This seriously explains explains where a lot of the dudes in my neighborhood come from, because most of them are just as slimy. That said, I'd still hit it, cow cooch smegma and all.... The dude, not the cow, you sick fuck!

VIA Towleroad