Gross

The sun is shining on Bronx Mowgli, because if this shit is true, he might not have the worst name in the Wentz-Simpson family for long! Star Magazine (via Ace Showbiz) is saying that Asshole Simpson is knocked up with her second babeh. Don't ask me how Ass and Pete continue to make babies together, because there's no way he has ever put his penis into her vagina. Every time he tries, he probably giggles so hard that he goes pee pee. And unless you're Kim Kardashian, piss on the pussay is a total mood killer.

Some source said that the new emofetus has only been marinating in there for a few weeks. Ass is apparently thrilled, because she thinks she will give birth to a magical Band-Aid that will fix her shitty marriage. The source went on, "She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal. He (Pete) thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesn't want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time."

Everyone knows babies fix fucked up marriages! Their diarrhea is like glue! And their neverending screeches in the night is like a romantic lullaby that will make your husband fall in love with you all over again.

But who cares about that? I just care about the name! I hope they stick with the same theme.... I'm thinking Staten Island Baloo? New Jersey Turnpike Kaa? Queensborough Bridge King Louie? Or maybe Papa Joe will step up his baby whoring game and go for something like People Magazine Gerber Wentz-Simpson?

Here's the two prime candidates for sterilization at a T-Mobile event last night.

When pictures of both Cassie and Alien Princess RiRi with their decorated chichi balls out hit the internets, many whores (including this one) figured they put that shit out themselves or a certain rabid animal was behind it (*cough*Chris*Brown*cough*). But Miss Info says this isn't so! According to her, the hacker who snatched the puss has had these pictures since last year. And there's more where that came from.

Apparently, the hacker has more pictures of RiRi (with Chris Brown) and Cassie with someone else. Allegedly, the hacker also has nekkid ass flicks of JLo, Jamie Foxx and Christina Milian in his archive. Those are the last three people on Earth I want to see with their private business out. Well, I wouldn't mine seeing Jamie's fox tail, but NOT his fox hole. I don't need to know him like that.

I also hope those nudie JLo pics are from 2005 or before, because nobody needs to know what her bare chichichangas look like today.

When are these fucktardians going to learn that when you take pictures of your fuck parts and send them around, it's only a matter of time before the world sees it and starts ridiculing you for your giant nipples or lop-sided vag lips. Or whatever.

I wonder if this mysterious hacker does requests? Because my request is to never leak pictures of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge or Carrot Top! As much as my peen begs for this, I don't think my no-no would come out alive. It would shake, rattle and POP. My no-no is the most important part of my life. It's the reason I get up in the morning and without it, I would be LOST. Okay, I lie. Bring on Mah Boo's chrome pole!

The pap who got this picture is pure evil for putting some no-no-killing images in my head. Fuggie + 69 + taco = weepy genitals.

IN THIS ECONOMY, 69 cents for Fuggie's charbroiled taco is still robbery. And you do not want to be anywhere near that taco when it pops! Because when it pops, the golden showers come a' flowing. NO.

Hayden Pantytroll is 19, but she still looks like she should be goo-goo ga-ga-ing in a stroller with a bottle in one hand and a blanky in the other. The last thing she should be doing is talking about grown-up stuff like sex. But that's what she did the other night at a party.

Page Six says that Hayden was talking to a friend about David Duchovny's constant thirst for 'gina and she said, "Well, if I had to be addicted to something, it would be sex!"

It makes my taco pop!

Why did I suddenly get the image of a teacup Pit Bull playing with a dildo? That's not right. Ugh. If bitch needs to be addicted to something, it should be keeping her damn troll hole shut. Shoo shoo away and let the adults do the talking.

Image: Bauer Griffin

HoHan is back on the mainland after her relaxing holiday in Hawaii. Doesn't she look as refreshed as a 6-month old rotten pineapple? I'm surprised a family of moths aren't trying to bite at her.

After arriving back in L.A., HoHan only had time for a quick Adderrall bump before she went back to work. Don't cackle like that. She works! She promoted that runny diarrhea in a bottle at Sephora in Santa Monica yesterday. Although, she probably should've stayed away. When you look at HoHan, does it make you want to run out and drop your heard-earned coins on that SevinNyne crap? Nope, you don't want to look like that. I just want to spray a whole can of Easy-Off all over her body. That grease is baked on!

The term Coprophilia (Thanks, Alcee) comes to mind. When your face looks like a full colostomy bag, it's time to stop with the spray tan shit.

Here's Blotchy McDirtySanchez with her partner Lorit Simon and The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at the launch of SevinNyne at Sephora. Shockingly enough, Ali doesn't look a day under 45, so she's making progress! Keep on!

WARNING: This may cause your eyeballs to roll our of their sockets, so hold them down as you read on.

Brangelina has left the townspeople of Oyster Bay, Long Island spellbound by their fantastical beauty. The holy family has invaded the town like a herd of mythical unicorns while St. Angie films a movie. Their presence has caused the town to practically shut down so everyone has a chance to marvel at the two pieces of spectacular art. Read these quotes and you'll know what I'm talking about. Again, hold your eyeballs and keep a barf bag close.

"When you talk to someone who has met them they're kind of glowing. People love saying they saw them. They feel something very special happened to them." - The Oyster Bay Town Supervisor

"They looked out of place because they were so beautiful. They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, 'No thanks.' I was looking at him but I don't really remember it – it was like a dream." - Katherine Pastore, a manager at Stop & Shop

"She was in my aisle and everyone was kind of looking at her or going up to her. She looked great. She had on these leggings and sunglasses and signed a few autographs." - a local resident

That shit sounds like it was ripped from a Brangaloonie message board. It's not like they came into close contact with Rojo Caliente or anything. Really, contrary to popular belief, they can't bless you or heal all your ailments by touching you on the forehead. I'm surprised none of their hearts stopped beating from being exposed to that level of grace and exquisiteness.

The people of Oyster Bay should stay inside, because Brangelina's heavenly glow makes everyone FUCKING DUMB AND DELUSIONAL (example: read the quotes above again). Actually, Brangelina should have to stay inside, because they are a health hazard!

VIA People

Who is responsible for this dark-sided fuckery right here? Off with their head and throw it into a wicker basket! Obviously, nobody briefed The First Lady of Camerooon, Chantal Biya, that she was posing next to thee most diseased and disgusting boils on humanity's asshole. Although, Chantal is giving Wonky McValtrex the "My private lion den is starting to itch and you're to blame" side-eye, so she might know what's up. Camer-ooooouch.

Poor Chantal. Think of all the crotch maggots that have crawled out of Wonky's acid-spewing black hole and made their way into Chantal's luscious mane of wonder. Chantal better stop by Hazmat to cleanse herself of Wonky's stank before she makes her way back to Africa.

Here's the most glamorous woman in the world and the most wretched piece of trash in the world at The First Ladies of Africa event in Beverly Hills last night. I mean, what in pussy rotting Hell was Wonky doing there?

Lady CaCa is such an English lady. Not only has she adopted Vadge's queef-inducing fraudulent British accent, but now she's carrying around a teacup all around town. It's just the artist being artsy. Lady CaCa is like a walking Louvre. I wish she'd walk right into the path of an oncoming double-decker bus.

The giant fart bag has become so attached to the teacup that she went crazy recently after leaving it at a restaurant. Some source told The Sun, “She kicked up a stink and demanded someone get her cup and saucer back. She wouldn’t drink out of anything else. It just looked like any other cup and saucer to me and said ‘Made in China’ on the bottom. It seemed a lot of fuss over nothing.”

Lady CaCa's spokesbitch is in on the ridiculousness, because they said, “Lady GaGa does not want to reveal anything about the teacup itself, but drinking ginger tea is very good for singers.”

Ugh. When is she going to crawl back into her own dick hole? She really needs to spend ten minutes with Amy Wino so she can learn how authentic crazy bitches do it.

Just for the record, she didn't misplace that teacup. The poor thing was trying to quit that bitch. It was on its way to Heathrow to catch the next jet to Taiwan when Lady CaCa got her diarrhea claws on it again. It will get the last laugh. Lady CaCa is going to wonder why her ginger tea tastes nuttier than usual. That's because her teacup is going to vom right before her nasty lips touch its rim.

Here's CaCa wandering the streets of London while wearing a thong around her neck which makes her titties look even more like a sad pair of saggy chest nalgas.

The Cougar premiered a few days ago on TVLand, but last night I was drunk and stoned enough to venture into the den! Let me just say, this shit makes The Bachelor look like caviar on a silver spoon. It is such a piece of low-budget trash! The whole thing looks like it was paid for with a handful of McDonald's Monopoly tokens and a gift certificate to Master Cuts. I bet they didn't even pay to film in that mansion! They just crashed an open house. Anyway, this shit is under the fucking barrel.

The grossest part of the whole show is the elimination ceremony. Vivica Fox, who only signed up for this mess after producers promised they would track down her hairline, announces to the group of dicktards that if "The Cougar" gives them her lips, they are safe, if she gives them her cheek, they have to go home. Seriously, they can't even afford roses, so they pass out the herp instead! You know I'm not a prude, but this shit is kind of disgusting. You're not supposed to use your lips during orgies! Couldn't she put on a rubber glove and give them a handjob instead? That would be more sanitary. This shit must be sponsored by Abreva. Clip above.

The two foolios who posted videos on YouTube of themselves doing gross things to the food at Domino's were arrested and charged with distributing prohibited foods. That's just legal talk for "ass queefing on pepperoni." The po-po in Conover, NC said 32-year-old Michael Setzer already was released on bail, but 31-year-old Kristy Hammonds is still marinating in a cell.

Kristy needed to spend more quality time with those jerked up eyebrows and less time videotaping ole' boy effing his nostril with a piece of cheese before placing it on a sub. Seriously, the face should not have two different eyebrows. I know meth probably made the one on the left more spazzy, but a few plucks and a swipe from a Sharpie would fix that! I hope that while Kristy is sitting in a cell, she thinks long and hard about the pain she caused her eyebrows. Oh yeah, and she should also think about how drizzling butt air on people's food isn't right. Yeah, that's not good.

Source: AP