Mickey Rourke

First of all, Mickey Rourke must be washing his face in the ice-cold blended soft bones of fetuses every night, because his mug doesn't look like a Michael Myers mask that was left out in the sun too long. Mickey's actually looking good (insert awkward pause and question mark here).

Second of all, this is what true love looks like. Mickey and Jaws are just hanging out at LAX, canoodling, making out, being adorable and sprinkling love all over the place. Wait. Jaws is like half blind or something, right? That would explain it all.

My chihuahua will only let me hold him like this when I'm wasted. He must love the smell of hot booze on my breath. It reminds him of his whore mother who he still holds a place in his heart for even though her trick ass abandoned him! Yes, I went there.

Mickey Rourke must have stared in the mirror too long which temporarily blinded him and caused him to accidentally stumble into my abuelita's closet. If Mickey's going to steal my abuelita's "going to the swap meet on a Sunday" look, he needs to do it right. Replace the cap with a pair of post-cataract sunglasses and an L.A. Raiders beanie (which I think she found on the street).

No, Mickey Rourke didn't get a new chihuahua. I'm pretty sure he's had this bitch for a while, but now it looks like Jaws the chihuahua is now Mickey's new main homey. They were canoodling at LAX yesterday. Well, Mickey's heart looks full, but I think Jaws is busy trying to fight the urge to eat his own eyeballs out. And the name Jaws makes so much sense since Mickey kind of looks like he was attacked in the face by a Great White. They make a beautiful pair!

LOKI: Nevah 4Get!

Mickey Rourke may have lost the top prize on Sunday, but he will get an Oscar of his very own to terrorize with his face that only Loki can love. That's because he's apparently going to adopt a chihuahua and name him Oscar. Mickey is still burning his face with tears over Loki, so he's hoping to mend the broken piece of his heart a little by getting another dog friend.

A source tells Radar, "Mickey has other dogs but he misses Loki terribly. He doesn't want to wait long either - he wants to get his new pooch this week. The new dog won't replace Loki but by naming it Oscar Mickey says he'll make his comeback year even more special."

We were totally ripped off on Sunday, because we didn't get a rambling Rourke rant. Methinks the FCC had something to do with that shit! Because of that, when Mickey gets his new Oscar, he better hold some kind of press conference and give us the speech we've all been waiting (and boozing) for!

Also, I hope Mickey adopts a needy chihuahua from one from the worst pet dungeons in the world: Parasite Hilton's house.

Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards was made of gold. The speech sparkled more than his silver bullet toof! This is exactly why he needs to win the Oscar tonight. If this is the kind of shit he delivered at the Spirit Awards, I can't even imagine what fuck word covered gems will fall out of his mouth tonight.

Of course, Mickey dedicated the award to his beloved Loki who might not have been watching form heaven since I don't know if they get IFC in heaven. Mickey also wore a little locket with Loki's precious face on it. The Milo & Otis of our time: Mickey & Loki.

During the rest of his fuck bomb-filled speech, Mickey made a plea to Hollywood to give the amazing Eric Roberts a fucking job. Mickey also thanked the girl he calls "Gap Tooth" and said "Melissa-Marisa Tomei" can climb the pole and did it well. Seriously, this is how a bitch gives an acceptance speech. Every whore in Hollywood from here on out needs to watch this shit so they know how it's done.

Why can't Mickey accept every damn award at the Oscars tonight? Shit, he should host and present every award too. Just change it to The Mickey Rourke Show. I could probably even watch it sober! Okay, probably not. Mickey's speech is below:

Mickey Rourke's face may look like a Michael Myers' mask marinated in boric acid and then charbroiled over an open flame, but he's the first one to admit that. Mickey said his face got all jacked up from boxing and the plastic surgeon he went to butchered it even more.

Mickey said, "Most of it was to mend the mess of my face because of the boxing, but I went to the wrong guy to put my face back together. I had my nose broken twice. I had five operations on my nose and one on a smashed cheekbone. I had to have cartilage taken from my ear to rebuild my nose and a couple of operations to scrape out the cartilage because the scar tissue wasn't healing properly. That was one of the most painful operations, but the worst was hemorrhoids."

I will never forgive Mickey for the last part of that last sentence. It's bad enough that his face already looks like a puss-filled roid sprinkled with curry powder, but now I'm picturing what an actual Rourke roid looks like. That shit probably looks like an over-microwaved piece of gristle covered in La Victoria chunky hot sauce and garnished with pork rind bits. The devil made me do it. And then for some reason I imagine him sticking a roid needle in his actual roid....and then... I think I'm going to blackout.

While I go and find some smelling salts, look at these pictures of Mickey Rourke arriving at LAX yesterday. Rourke's roid... Not today!

Well, this is a fucking sad shot to the heart. Mickey Rourke's beloved best friend and confidante, Loki, has passed on to the cat cookie bakery in the sky at the tender age of 18 (in human years). Mickey's rep confirmed to E! that Loki trotted off to heaven on Monday night.

When Mickey won the Golden Globe he thanked his dog friends for being the only constant love in his life. And if Mickey wins the Oscar on Sunday, I'm sure Loki will be watching from above. It's pretty fucking depressing that Loki couldn't be there with Mickey. I'm sure she had a rhinestone-covered outfit all picked out!

Rest in peace, Loki.... You will be forever missed!

Mickey Rourke laid down his response to those rumors that he's rubbing surgery scars with Courtney Love. While leaving some joint in NYC last night, Mickey said, “I’d rather be on a deserted island with a gorilla.”

This prompted every gorilla in the world to hit up their local wig shop, buy the rattiest blonde mop in the store, learn how to slur through every Hole song, develop an addiction to OxyContin and start a MySpace page where they will randomly rant about how everyone is stealing money from their asses. They need to do this shit in order to throw Mickey off their trail.

Here's the gorilla fucker in the most precious velvet slippers ever with his forever bff Loki in NYC yesterday afternoon.

A couple that butchers their face together, stays together. That's always been my motto and that's why I think Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love make sense as a couple.

The Daily Mirror says that Loki's daddy and crazy's favorite customer have been licking on each other's surgery scars for the past three weeks. A source said, “Mickey texted Courtney totally out of the blue, around the time of the Golden Globes, asking to take her out for the night. They met up in secret and had an awesome evening. Let’s just say they didn’t stop at holding hands and a chaste peck on the cheek."

I bet watching them fuck is like watching a hot dog slowly explode in the microwave.

But I'm sure they understand each other like no on else can. When his face spontaneously falls off the bone, Courtney will know exactly how to put it back on. When Mickey's asshole dries up and dies when Courtney is tossing his salad, they will just laugh it off together. When Mickey's jizz load refuses to come out because it's scared of the fugness, Courtney will understand. All these things have happened to them before, so they already know each other. That's true love.

Just as long as they don't spawn. Don't fucking spawn. If Eric Stolz in Mask still gives you night terrors, then pray to the Baby Jesus for strength, because a Courkey baby will make your stomach jump out of your body, run to the kitchen, grab a knife and poke your eyes out to stop the pain.

Here's Loki's new stepmommy, the Queen of Disaster, trolling around in London lst night.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.