Mickey Rourke

Mickey Rourke is one brave bitch for hitting the streets of Hollywood covered in white powder. If one of the Lohans spotted him, they would've thrown him on a spoon, cooked him up and then poured him into a pipe.

Here's Loki's soulmate stumbling out of some club last night in costume as a stale powdered funnel cake channeling Burt Reynolds in Boogie Nights. Or maybe he decided to go as a sober Mickey Rourke. I too turn zombie white when I haven't a drop of the sweet nectar on my tongue for more than 24 hours.

TMZ caught up with a boozed up Mickey Rourke last night in NYC, and he decided it was a wonderful time to tell us why he constantly uses the slur "faggot." According to Mickey, it has nothing to do with being gay. No, calling someone a faggot is just like calling someone a punk ass bitch. Mickey kept saying how it had nothing to do with being a homosexual, and those who want to label the word can fuck off. Basically, Mickey just doesn't give a fuck.

Mickey went on to fart that he would use the word during his footballs days when telling one of his teammates to catch the ball. WAIT. Hold the dildo!

So is Mickey trying to say that every time someone has called me a faggot, they were actually telling me to catch the football? If I knew that, I'd probably be the wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys by now. That means I'd spend my days in a locker room full of hot pieces! DAMN MICKEY. Where were your words of wisdom when I needed them most?

And here's some pictures of Mickey looking 100% heterosexual while sashaying through NYC with his fluffy lap dog while wearing Forever 21 jeans, a dandy plaid vest and loafers that used to belong to Barbara Bush.

Maybe I fell asleep during that part in Beauty and the Beast, but I don't ever remember The Beast doing fellatio with the rose before destroying it....

Anyway, outside of a bar in London last night, Mickey Rourke gave a rose a blow job in front of everyone. Now, I could make some joke about how the flower is a symbol for a chocha, but I really don't think your (or my imaginary) vagina needs that today so I'll refrain for now. Instead, let's focus on Mickey's bulge. That's if your stomach can take it.

Loki's forever friend was arrested last night in London for murder eyeballs with the deadly weapon that is his face. Naw, Mickey Rourke was just playing around with the bobbies (Look at me, I'm English!) while he was taking a smoke break outside of a club. When Mickey saw the cops, he told them to put him in handcuffs. Yeah, I knew Mickey was a nastyfilthyraunchysucioassbitch who liked it kinky. Swoooooon. After the cop realized it was not Freddy Krueger standing before him, he had a laugh. But you know his ass thought about arresting him.

And Mickey should probably consider rolling a little Degree on his slobbery tittays before he goes out.

Quick! Put a cork in your fuck hole, because you know it's about to blooooow! You will not be able to contain yourself while gazing at these pictures of the scalding hot adonis that is Mickey Rourke!

You know you're going to eat a giant stuffed roasted chicken dinner tonight with all the fixings. You're going to lick every greasy bone while fantasizing about Mickey's rotisserie tittays. Do not deny it! My no-no lips just crumpled up into my love cave (copyright: Tracy). Although, that might not have anything to do with Mickey. Sometimes my ass lips observe Sundays. Go figure.

Here's Mickey and some piece making the sea creatures bust jizz bombs in Dubrovnik, Croatia.

RiRi beamed down on the London premiere of Inglorioues Basteards (or however you misspell that shit) today with several loads of pearl necklaces on her neck and what looks like man gel in her soft-serve 'do. I'm sensing a theme here.....

And is Xtina in London too, because RiRi looks like she's been hanging around her. One kiss on the cheek from Xtina and your face will look like it just went through a Wet 'n Wild tornado.

Here's a few other hos at tonight's premiere including Neve Campbell, Diane Kruger, QT and Loki's heartmate. Apparently, Brad Pitt didn't show up. Or maybe he got caught inside RiRi's hair when he tried to hug her?

Mickey Rourke's unconditional love for his true soulmate Loki lives on forever....on his feet. Last night in London, Mickey left a club wearing pimp slippers with Loki's embroidered on them. You know Mickey is also wearing a thong with Loki's precious mug on the crotch. When Mickey's thrusts his dick mound, it looks like Loki is barking.

And I actually went 3 full sentences without mentioning Mickey's spoiled chile relleno face. Oops. I lose.

Loki's soulmate, Robert Downey Jr. and ScarJo are all on the cover of the latest Entertainment Weekly as their Iron Man characters. While I appreciate seeing RDJ's plastic red mango crotch and Mickey's always-precious chilaquiles face, I am not amused by ScarJo.

It looks like she has Carrot Top's luscious dick bush on her head. They should've just wrapped Carrot Top's peen in black leather and had it play the Black Widow. It would probably do a better Russian accent than ScarJo too. OH FUCK, her Russian accent is going to make the entire city of Moscow weep for a thousand years. They are barely getting over Harrison Ford's butchery in K-19: Widowmaker.

Mickey Rourke had lunch with Jason Statham in Los Angeles yesterday and when he got back to his car, a fluffy white bird with a heaving rack and "sex me" eyes was waiting for him in the backseat. Why am I not surprised that Mickey had a damn cockatoo chilling in his car, just waiting for him to get back so it could jump on his shoulder? The fuck?! I mean, wasn't that bird dropping wet poos all over the place in the car? And it kind of looks like the bird also went poo poo times on Mickey's luscious locks. But Mickey doesn't mind! He loves all animal friends!

Mickey is truly a modern day Dr. Doolittle!

Who knew John and Elizabeth from Nine 1/2 Weeks would both grow up to look like two puss-filled ass warts that really need to be drained. If I was at The Informers premiere in L.A. last night, I would've thought that I accidentally stumbled into a Tupperware party. This much plastic is not fantastic. Seriously, if a He-Man and a Barbie doll were both thrown into a pot of boiling water, this is what it would look like.

They were so fucking hot back in the day and now they just need to be stuck in a corn field to scare the crows off. I shouldn't say that. They can stay, they just shouldn't get too close to each other for their own safety! The chemistry might still be there, so if they rubbed against each other, all would be left is two sad shrinky dinks lying on the ground.