I Love Money
Here's Henry Cavill on the Vancouver set of Superman: Man of Steel and here's the two reasons why that make-up artist is Supergirl to my Saleeeeeeena:
1. THIS BITCH gets to write on her 2011 tax returns that one of her full-time jobs for this year was to spray WD-40 on Henry Cavill's nipples and smear grease all over furry pectacles until he looked like one of the rock hard pieces of blackened lung that Keith Richards hacks up after serving his 1 millionth cigarette for the day.
You really haven't successfully achieved professional greatness until human resources calls you into the office to say: "We need you to stop licking your lips and winking as you apply liquid dirt to Mr. Cavill's upper buttocks area. It's inappropriate. Also, we're going to need to confiscate your locker of all the body hairs you sneakily stole off of Mr. Cavill's chest."
2. When the light hits her hair against the green screen, it looks like a fall of sparkling ginger is gracefully trickling off of her head.
I mean, ginge (I think) and a full-time job as Henry Cavill's body greaser? What an obnoxious way of flaunting that you were Mother Fucking Theresa in your past life.
This is why we need to keep freon away from our children. Inhaling massive amounts of freon produces fuckery like this. Actually, the word fuckery doesn't even begin to describe this mess.
20-year-old Eddie McCrazy of Estero, Florida is soooo obsessed in the brains about reality mega whore Megan (Rock of Love, Charm School, I Love Money, Trophy Wife) that he got a tattoo of her pancake face and retarded chihuahua (her words) on his arm. A few minutes after Eddie got this tattoo, his crotch started itching, his no-no started leaking smegma and he had a rash on his taint. Infected by The Megan!
You know, I figured this dude just got the tattoo so he could lick her tittays whenever he wanted, but after investigating his MySpace, I found out he dances on my team. This OctoMommy crazy.
But seriously, this doesn't make my idea of getting a "DJ Lady Tribe drank a buttery nipple shot out of my asshole" tattoo on my ass cheek seem so bad.
Let's start with a quote: "I'm afraid of water. Um. Maybe I shouldn't get a houseboat then."
That was just one of the many beautiful gems that came out of Tamara's echo chamber head during last night's I Love Money 2. This is the kind of dumb bitch we could all use as a friend. She will make anyone feel like the president of Mensa! And she would be so much fun at parties! I bet if you tied a sock around her waist, she'd fall over! If you put a piece of scotch tape on her nose, she'd spend hours trying to get it off. If you asked her what the capital of Los Angeles was, smoke would start to float out of her ears. I love her!
Tamara's genius started when she said that if she won the money, she'd buy a houseboat and park it in the ocean. But then she suddenly realized that she was afraid of water, so maybe living on a houseboat wasn't such a good thing. This is what freebasing freon does to a bitch! No, I take that back. Stupidity like this is a God-given gift!
Tamara's greatest moment came when she (SPOILER ALERT) lost an arm-wrestling match and had to leave the show. In Tamara's defense, there was no way she going to win that match when she's on a permanent 15-second delay. After she lost, Tamara's balloon head almost fucking popped. The bitch flipped out and yelled at the crew, "You have no hearts and no souls! You should be ashamed of yourselves for exploiting these stupid idiots!" The crew totally shrugged and mumbled, "Yeah, so? When do we eat?!"
And she also screamed that she's a winner who has been on 50 magazine covers! Um. Tamara. You know that those "magazine covers" you shot at a Six Flags photo booth aren't real?! Yeah, we shouldn't burst her bubble head.
Tamara's meltdown actually surprised me. I'm impressed that she knows that many words. I figured she was operating on a 12-word vocabulary.
After she got tired from overusing her one brain cell, Tamara stormed out......the wrong door. HA! If Chrissy Snow was a Midwestern lot lizard who was addicted to Purple Drank, her name would be Tamara. Seriously, get this bitch her own show called Are You Smarter Than Tamara?! Everyone is a winner! Even inanimate objects!
Put on your dumb-reflector cap and watch the clip below: