Smoke A Bowl
The "Gingers Have Souls" Jack-O-Lantern has returned to YouTube to deliver a message to all the "broskis" (which sounds like an incestuous sexual act you do cans of Miller Lite and snow skis) who keep hating on the ginge.
You know, part of me thinks that this is some kind of audition tape for the WWE. Is Vince McMahon teaching after-school programs now? The other part of me thinks this is a viral marketing campaign for Prozac or the pro-spanking campaign.
And if he keeps at it, he's going to make Rojo Caliente marinate her head in a bowl of Herbal Essence hair dye (shade: bodacious brown).
Dennis Hopper filed for divorce from his wife of 13 years, Victoria Hopper, a couple of weeks ago, even though he is reportedly on his deathbed. One of Dennis' friends said that he was only divorcing his wife to keep her from getting a large chunk of his money when he passes away. Victoria filed her own legal papers today, requesting custody of their 6-year-old daughter Galen (Fun fact: Galen was one of my nicknames in junior high).
In papers obtained by the Daily Beast, Victoria says she wants spousal and child support. Victoria also thinks that the court should name her and Galen the equal beneficiaries of Dennis' $1 million life insurance policy. Victoria explains, “Based on Petitioner’s statements to me that he will leave me destitute and because I do not have a steady or significant source of income, I fear I will be unable to financially provide for our six year old daughter and myself.” But Victoria didn't stop there!
Victoria says that Dennis, who is currently battling prostate cancer, regularly smokes medical marijuana in front of their daughter. That actually is a form of HUMAN ABUSE, because you shouldn't smoke a joint in front of a person without sharing!
The Uma Thurman/Toni Collette hybrid claims that Dennis has threatened to kill her ass if she leaves him, and that he keeps loaded guns in the house. AND THERE'S MORE!
According to Victoria, Dennis doesn't want to divorce her. Victoria believes that his 47-year-old gold digging daughter is making Dennis go through with the divorce, so she can get a bigger cut of his fortune when he dies.
Who knew the end of a marriage could be like a 4-episode story arch on Dynasty? SIGN ME UP! The only way this could get more dramatic is if Galen runs away to marry the Prince of Moldavia. And P.S. - The King of Moldavia's name is Galen. This is all connected somehow.
If you're ever feeling brave enough to ask Method Man for an autograph, you better strap a bullet-proof vest over your chest, pray to the Three Wolf Moon and have your best running shoes on, because you may get shot at. TMZ says that a woman in Houston is suing Method Man for shooting her with an air gun when she asked him for an autograph after a show in November 2008. LOL.
Mary Anderson said that after she tried to get Method Man to sign something for her, he whipped out an air gun and started firing pellets. Mary says she was hit around six times. Okay, I've never been shot with an air gun, but I'm guessing it hurts more than when the dick misses the hole. That means it hurts A LOT. And Mary, if someone keeps shooting at your ass, that's your cue to ruuuuuuuuun.
(Read this in a Jackee Harry voice, because it's the only way) Maaaary is suing for money. Of course.
Isn't Method Man a stoner of epic proportions? Shouldn't he be hugging on everyone and asking them if they are carrying any Fritos on their persons? Dude must have had the wrong stuff in his bong.
You know that rainbow butterfly sugarshake called "Obsessed" that Mimi put out (it's okay if you already forgot about it)? The story goes that the song is about Eminem, but Mimi shook her head "no" when asked about it (SPOILER ALERT: She was lying). Well, Eminem is not just going to sit around eating ham and donut sandwiches and let her do him like. No, Eminem squeezed his ass cheeks together and put out a response that is giving me the hard shits.
Eminem is serious! Dude even chirps that he has some pictures which proves they bumped tittays in the dead of night. Release that shit to the masses! But make sure you pass them through Mimi's personal Photoshop team first.
You know, this shit sounds like every voicemail I left for my ex-boyfriends after they dumped my ass! I'm pretty sure I've used the line "Like I'm gonna sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt" at least a dozen times."
And I hope that when Mimi finally gets off from the floor after blacking out from listening to this, she gits him back! The other kids in the playground are waiting!
A little while ago, Tori Spelling invited her mother to her daughter's 1st birthday party. Candy never met her granddaughter, so Tori thought this might be a good time. Candy turned that shit down, because cameras from Tori's reality show were going to be at that party. Candy already queefed about it to the media a zillion times, but she's not done. Oh no. Porky Pig's long-lost twin sissy slithered into her letting writing room and punched out an open rant which she *exclusively* gave to TMZ. Yeah, so the next time your mother tells you off under her breath in front of everyone at Thanksgiving dinner, just be thankful that your mother is not Candy Spelling.
This is the ball of farts the over-aged lunatic wrote. Sprinkle a little Pepto dust in your eyes, CLUE LIGHTS and read on:
EXCLUSIVE TO: TMZ.COM
TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING
I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.
Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.
I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.
Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.
I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.
A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.
Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.
She goes on to blab more, but this is the gist of it.
When even TMZ stops publishing Candy's ridiculousness, she's going to have to shout her rants on Hollywood Blvd. like an authentic crazy person does. I can't wait for that day to arrive.
And this almost made me feel a little bad for Tori, but then I remembered how her soul-bruising acting skills pretty much ruined The House of Yes for me......
Mega bonghead Woody Harrelson got into a little tussle at NYC's LaGuardia Airport this past Thursday with a TMZ cameradude who wanted to get up into his life. Woody didn't feel like playing, so he grabbed at the dude and broke one of his cameras. The dude can be heard whining on the video from TMZ that Woody is assaulting him. Woody busted out of there and the cameradude called the police who took his report.
This isn't the first time Woody got down with a pap from TMZ. Two years ago, Woody was accused of choking a trick from TMZ. Woody is trying to get that case dismissed.
Yesterday, Woody issued a statement explaining what went down at LaGuardia:
"I wrapped a movie called `Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."
So that's why I like Woody Harrelson!
You know, don't zombies usually attack bitches with brains?! They were going after the wrong ho, because Woody smoked up his brains years ago! And Woody needs to watch more zombie movies. You don't attack their asses! You go for the head! GO FOR THE HEAD!!!
This is just another reason why weed is a beautiful thing. It makes you say hilarious shit like this!
Yesterday afternoon, Snoop Dogg debuted The Wake 'N Bake Show live on UStream. The show is exactly what you would expect. It's just Snoop making sweet love to an obese joint while playing some music you can only enjoy if you're fucking high with him. Snoop's sparkly Obama even takes a little toke. That's why he sparkles!
I'm sober like a toddler right now, so this shit really isn't taking me higher, but after I've had a few intimate moments with my bong, this is going to be the greatest show like EVER! If Snoop wants to make a zillion more dollars, he should advertise for Taco Bell and Totino's during his show. Because Snoop's new stonercam is best served with a toke and something covered in cheese (not dick).
Snoop lives in California, so he has a license to smoke the good shit legally. Yeah, he says he needs to smoke it for "medical purposes." He probably suffers from a CHRONIC condition! Me fucking too.
Expect Snoop's Wake 'N Bake Show to have guests in the future like Michael Phelps, Charlize Theron, Amy Wino, Mischa Barton, Carlos Santana and every cartoon character ever created. I'm convinced that every cartoon character is a major stoner, because every time I"m high and watching a cartoons, they all stare at me with greedy eyes.
I really don't like jokes! Viggo Mortensen says he might be pulling a Joaquin Phoenix sans the whole dick butter-covered hobo rapper thing. Viggo tells The Times of London (via Page Six) that he is thinking of quitting the bitch known as the movie business. Oh fuckness, let's not do this, Viggo!!!
Viggo said, "No more movies. I haven't said yes to one in over a year. If it all dries up now, I've had a good run."
No. Viggo has not had a good run yet. There is still more acting to do. And by "acting" I mean getting naked. Seriously, I feel like the movie going public has not spent enough quality time with his peen. Think of all the genitals that will be left sad and distraught over this news. Viggo is just talking silly! He just needs to take a Calgon bath, nuzzle up to a bong, take a nap and re-charge his peen. Viggo is not done. There's still more peen-flashing to do!
The stoner of the sea Michael Phelps was on Today this morning to talk about the bong photo Tony the Tiger did not approve of. Phelps apologized. I wish he would quit saying he's sorry for that shit and instead apologize for those damn grizzly bushbrows. How does he swim with two big ass beavers laying over his eyes (sounds sexy)? Obviously, he needs to light up the bong more. Sooner or later, the flame will shoot up too high and do Phelps a favor by singeing those things off.
Anyineedawakeandbake, Neptune's son said sowwy to all those he hurt, "It was-- really, you know, the people I hurt, you know, is my family, clearly. My friends. The close people around me. And most importantly, the fans. And-- and, you know, I realize that that hurt a lot of people."
The people he "hurt" need to heal their pain with a big bowl of green flakes. It works every time. My "doctor" recommends it!
Phelpsie said when the picture was taken he was just "celebrating" with a small group of people. It wasn't some big ass college party, but just a small gathering of people who sat around and "celebrated." I like that. The next time you get baked like a Duncan Hines brownie and a bitch gives you the side-eye, say, "Shut those eyes up, I'm celebrating!" Celebrating the gift of the leaf! That is a reason to celebrate.
The baked dolphin went on to say that he trusted everyone in the room and didn't think some dumb ass rat would take advantage of him like that, "I trusted my friends who were there about who they were. And clearly they weren't trusted people... Sometimes you learn the hard way."
When the picture hit the world, Phelpsie immediately protected his money and called up all his sponsors to apologize. All of them, except for Kelloggs, were cool, but Phelpsie is fine with that. He added, "It's not about money to me. So, you know, the -- the contract side of things, yeah, I was disappointed. But, you know, I think the biggest thing is-- is who I hurt the most. Like, if I lost money, okay. It's not an issue with me."
Um. He does realize that you need a little green to buy the green? Doesn't he? Weed doesn't grow on....oh...wait.
So now that Phelps has apologized yet again, he should put his lips over his bong friend and have a Chico's kind of day (which involves lots and lots of toking).
VIA OK Magazine!
When a grown man uses the fuck word at least twice in once sentence, I'm instantly in fucking love. And that's why Christian Bale and I must be together, so that he can yell at me all day and night. Ahaha. TMZ posted the most hilarious audio of Christian busting his vocal chords on the set of Terminator: Salvation. The crazy bitch seriously loses it. Bitch pulls a Bill O'Reilly times a million! He is beating hos with his voice.
Christian's head exploded and the caca hit the fan when the director of photography accidentally walked into the scene to check the light. Or as Christian puts it, "Then why the fuck are you walking right through like 'adadadaaa,' like this in the background." HA! The take was ruined and Christian blew the fuck up. He straight up ripped the dude a new asshole and then fucked that shit without lube!
Christian threatened to quit that bitch if the dude wasn't fired. The tape was sent to the insurance company by producers in case Christian dropped out of the movie.
Christian's supreme douchebaggery has top billing on this audio tape, but the DP steals the damn show. He sounds like a wee little chihuahua of a man who is cowering under Christian. I can imagine the sweat waterfall pouring off his forehead. Especially when he answers, "Um...I was looking at the light." He's kind of adorable.
Click here to listen to the whole thing. It's a little NSFWish.
Honestly, this shit will make you want to take a hit from your bong and blow it towards Christian, so he can chill the eff out.
That said, movie making sounds fun!