The Mind Is Boggled

Remember the very special episode of Gimme a Break! where that evil bitch Samantha dresses Joey up in blackface for his performance of "Toot-Toot-Tootsie" at Nell's church? Well, that episode replayed in some people's heads last night when they watched Will.i.am's pre-VMA performance with the candy-coated Fran Drescher of hip hop Nicki Minaj.

UsWeekly provided several Tweets from bitches throwing around the "racist" label at Will's blackface:

"Will.i.am. wearing blackface!? What a racist!" fakeart123 tweeted.

Adds TSCMoncton, "Anyone notice that Will.i.am painted himself in blackface? I sure hope there's some kind of meaning behind a stunt like that."

"Will.i.am just sent us back 1,000 yrs... Really sir, #Blackface in front the grey ppl!" IAm_Danie wrote of his appearance.

Will took a break from scrubbing the Sharpie jizz out of his nostrils to comment on his Twatter:

1st. just because I where all black including head mask as expression and emphasize my outfit, it shouldn't be looked at as racial...

Let go of the past. there are far more important things 2 bark about. (Jobs, health, education) not a black man wearing all black everything

Are you guys serious? my outfit set "black people back 100 yrs" choose your twits wisely. no education sets people back, no jobs, bad health

While Will.i.am was covering his face in the same shit Taylor Momsen covers her eyelids with, he had to have known that #will.i.amisthenewjoey would become a trending topic on Twitter. With that said, you know who should really be offended by Will's overall look: MAX HEADROOM. Where's Max's credit?!

Christopher F. Young is making every stop on the attention whore line in his bid to become the Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island! Christopher is the crazy who was kicked out of a debate when he refused to leave memawmaw's Mary "Full of Grace" statue outside. During another debate, Christopher brought on a wave of eye rolls when he proposed to his girlfriend in front of everyone. And now earlier this week, the second coming of Christopher dropped his latest trick on Fox's Rhode Show.

The Rhode Show's host Elizabeth Hopkins thought she was going to have coffee with Christopher, but instead he poured a carafe full of unfiltered hot fuckery right into her ear hole without warning her first. Christopher serenaded Elizabeth with a song about Jesus, and I can guarantee that all the angels gathered in the choir room in heaven to cringe together. It made their wings wilt.

Elizabeth would make an excellent spy, because she kept a perfect robotic "news anchor" look on her face even though you know the walls of her soul were crumbling down. Torture Elizabeth all you want and that smile will still stay locked on her face.

With all that being said, VOTE 4 CHRIS YOUNG! Well, if he's acting like this now, imagine all the unbridled buffoonery he's going to bring to Providence (and the world!!!!) if he becomes mayor?

via Cajun Boy (Thanks Kevin)

One the opening night of Clay Gayken and Ruben Studdard's tour in Asheville, North Carolina, they turned up the fuckery to dangerous levels with their medley of all the songs your drunk auntie sways her ass to at weddings.

I mean, This Is How We Do It, Mmmm Bop and I Want It That Way? It's like a copy of Now That's What I Call The 90s crashed into an episode of The Captain & Tennille Show after side-swiping a velvet teddy bear.

And the sight of Gayken grabbing his crotch in Hammer Pants probably brought a Claymate out of menopause.

(Thanks Gillian)

Click here if you can't see the chonie party above.

via Buzzfeed

Okay, maybe just one comment. Manuel Uribe, the former world's fattest man, is happy to pass the torch off to Paul!

On second thought, the torch looks like this so maybe Manuel should keep it safely tucked up under his right chichi for a little while.

I'm all for finding a person in the world who loves nothing more than to cuddle up on your genitals, but YOUR OWN ABUELITA?!

This story is as uncomfortable as a sex nightmare about one of your relatives. Meet 72-year-old Pearl of Indiana and her 26-year-old biological grandson Phil. They are in love and they are having a child together via a surrogate. From New Zealand's New Idea:

Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey.

Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.

Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.

Phil and Pearl didn't meet until he was 18-years-old. Pearl gave Phil's mother up for adoption shortly after she had her. Phil didn't try to find Pearl until his mother died of brain cancer. Phil sent Pearl a letter which led to them meeting face to face. Pearl describes how her dry desert of a vagina filled with lady jizz when she first laid eyes on Phil:

From the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship,' Pearl remembers happily. 'For the first time in years I felt sexually alive.'

Phil admits that he had the same feelings towards Pearl.

'I wanted to kiss her there and then,' he says. 'My feelings were overwhelming.'

The pair spent the first week shopping, bowling and eating out. During the second week, giggly on wine after a night out, Pearl decided she wasn't going to deny her feelings anymore

Confused, Pearl talked to a friend, who told her about an article she'd read on Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), which occurs when close relatives meet as adults and are attracted to each other.

'I could now understand my feelings and realize they weren't wrong,' Pearl says.

Pearl and Phil have been together since 2006. A year ago they decided to use Pearl's retirement money to hire a surrogate to carry their child. Pearl says, "I am finally going to be a mum and not forced to give up my child. Phil's going to be a great dad. I never in a million years thought at 72 I'd be "pregnant" and in love with my grandson. I make no apologies and I believe God's given me a second chance."

I'm trying not to judge, but grandmas are supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chankla! They aren't supposed to hit you in the mouth with their chocha! Grandmas are supposed to serve you a warm apple fritter on a cold day. They aren't supposed to serve you a piece of their lukewarm crotch fritter! Grandmas should have a name like Pearl. They shouldn't lick their dentures in ecstasy when you give them a pearl necklace. You should get your grandmother a cotton robe on Mother's Day. You shouldn't get your grandmother crotchless panties for Mother's Day!

If this story was a paint color, it's name would be: EVERY SHADE OF WRONG.

With that being said, I awkwardly congratulate these two. I also thank them for giving me a reason to fire up the bong early. Thank you.

(Thanks to Chessa too)

People Magazine is blowing minds this morning with their Pandora's Box cover featuring Sandra Bullock and her brand new shiny baby friend. Yes, Sandra Bullock adopted a baby! Yes, Sandra Bullock filed for divorce! Yes, Sandra Bullock decorates her baby with a necklace I made in preschool! But one of my favorite parts of this cover is Julia Roberts chilling out in the corner like, "Don't forget about me." And then baby is throwing her shade like, "Sorry, I got this, bitch."

So the hos at People Magazine are doing the dick slappy dance this morning, because they scored a double exclusive from Sandra. Sandra has adopted a 3-month-old baby boy from New Orleans. Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla started the process about four years ago, and brought him home in January but they decided to keep Louis a secret for a while. So that explains the trash can full of caca-filled diapers outside of Sandra's house. Everybody assumed they belonged to Vanilla Gorilla. You know he's into that kinky diaper play.

Since Sandra has filed for divorce from Vanilla Gorilla, she plans on raising Louis as a single mother. Probably a good thing since I'm not sure how many school teachers will be pleased to see a kid give the Nazi salute during the Pledge of Allegiance.

The details from People:

"He's just perfect, I can't even describe him any other way," Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. "It's like he's always been a part of our lives."

Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family – including James's children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 – were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.

Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now finalizing the adoption as a single parent.

A rep for Bullock confirms the star filed legal papers seeking to end her marriage, but declines to specify in what jurisdiction they are filed. Says Bullock of her decision to divorce: "I'm sad and I am scared."

I'm sure Sandra kept Louis a big secret, because if she spilled the baby vom back in January, people would have accused her of trying to win Oscar votes by imitating art. Nobody would've thought that (yes, they would've) unless she adopted Tyler Perry.

Thom Yorke is notorious for throwing cuntified shade at celebrities who try to meet him. Thom will spit at your feet and put the curse of Noldor on your ass if you so much as try to shake his little hand. So how in the name of fuck did Kate Hudson manage to get "comfy" with him at Coachella last weekend? This is some wrong shit.

Some witness-type tells the NYDN that at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs, Kate Hudson and Thom Yorke were snuggling together. Maybe the witness ate the wrong kind of peyote and mistook two garden gnomes for Kate and Thom, because this doesn't make any sense.

Thom sort of looks like an excommunicated Hobbit who gnaws on lizard tails and scares the village children, and Kate is pretty much the spitting image of Dopey, but that doesn't mean they belong together. In this case, two dwarves do not make a right.

Hopefully, Kate just caught Thom in a vulnerable state (aka stoned and dozed off). Because I'd like to think Thom Yorke would normally bark at Kate until she ran back to her tree hole.

On the internet exists a 100% real website (we think) that is completely and utterly devoted to publicly restoring Stephen Baldwin's good name by taking donations from YOU. Sorry, Haiti, the star of Sharks in Venice needs our coins so that he can pay the lease on his Buick and his membership to TrannySurprise.com (you know that's in his favorites). It's in the name of God, after all.

The video looks like it was produced by the same bitches who put together that Scientology master(crazy)piece starring Tommy Girl. If the Trinity Network had their own True Hollywood Stories series, the trailer would look like this mess. Speaking of mess.....

The entire website will make you laugh with your fists and fart with your eyes. Example:

Q- Why doesn't his family help him?
A- His family does not perceive Stephen’s predicament as a matter of spiritual warfare. They see Stephen’s outspoken Christianity as poor choices therefore they will not help.

Q- What happened to his wealth?
A- When he became an outspoken Christian in 2002 his income went down by 70% when he refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.

Q- If Stephen was not involved how did you get permission to do this?
A- Daniel Southern is Stephen’s spiritual advisor and the President of Stephen’s ministries. We contacted Daniel who gave us written permission to build the site.

The best part is that they are just asking for a small donation of $4.21! 421! The day after 420. This is fucking perfect since on 4/21 I usually feel parched, bloated and hungry for anything that's batter-based. And that's exactly how this website makes me feel.

And just because Stephen Baldwin is hard up for a job doesn't mean he's the modern day Job. You are not what you need.

via Videogum

Kate Gosselin recently admitted that her cabbage patch hasn't been watered (blunt talk: hasn't been fucked) in 15 months. That pretty much explains everything. Well, Kate is looking to jump start her chocha, and she wants Jeff Goldblum or The Hoff to provide the cable. When you topple over from laughing so hard, make sure to break your fall with a potted plant. A lesson from Hailey Glassman.

A source tells Popeater that Kate thinks dating a celebrity will make her even more famous, "Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea. When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she's not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff."

The only man Kate should see on a regular basis is a psychiatrist who has the patience of a toilet and nerves as strong as Vadge's clitoris. I mean, if Kate dated The Hoff, he would most likely take her child army with him to the bar for booze and burgers. Does Kate want a bunch of alcoholic toddlers running around the place?

Actually, Kate's 8 probably gets as much booze as they want already. They just have to stroll into a bar and say, "My mother is Kate Gosselin." A ROUND FOR EVERYBODY! Grab the keg, because a bottle needs filling!

And Jeff Goldblum? I've already seen that movie and I don't need an encore. Seriously, Kate Gosselin and Jeff Goldblum having sex would look like that scene in The Fly where he barfs on that dude's hand and it disintegrates down to the bone:

You know, I think Kate Gosselin having sex with anyone looks like this.