The Mind Is Boggled

I didn't even have to blink twice before figuring out who Cojo dressed up as to Heidi Klum's Halloween party last night. When my dog ran out of the room screaming, I knew that only one beast could instill that kind of fear into small furry animals: KHLOE KARDASHIAN!!!!!!

Cojo makes a better Khloe Kardashian than Khloe Kardashian does. And he nailed that "hongray for woodland creatures" look in his eye. It's so real! You're expecting him to yank that veil off, howl at the moon and then gallop off into the darkness. Just like the real Khloe.

Although, my only criticism is that he could've used more arm and upper lip hair for authenticity. Other than that, Cojo triumphed as Khloe. You know Lamar Odom will be busting into face seizures all day from jacking off to these pictures like maniac. I wouldn't be surprised if he calls it off with Khloe and proposes to KhloJo instead.

Now we know where the wild things are! They're hiding in Mr. August's pits. And you know James Gandolfini is the voice for those hairy pit beasts. Moving on....

iCarly is a show for kids, tweens and pit lovers on Nickelodeon. I've never seen one episode, but after glancing at this calendar, I might have to get my Tivo on that shit. Apparently, iCarly's 26-year-old brother, Spencer, put together this calendar featuring European fun guys and a little boy in a tuxedo (???????). Yeah, I don't even know either. I've always had the feeling that the hos at Nickelodeon had the best kind of acid in their desk drawers, and now it's confirmed.

Disney better step up their whore game, because Nickelodeon is coming at them hard! Don't slime yourself now!

This year, TyTy brought in $30 million from America's Next Top Model, The MEMEMEME Show, and her other TV projects. Katherine Hagel brought in $18 million for Grey's Anatomy and that movie about ugliness she did with Gerard Butler.

TyTy and Hagel both topped Forbes' annual list of the highest paid chicks in prime-time television. While the wig and tobacco industries send both of them a "thank you" basket for single-handedly keeping them alive, all of us will shake our heads. If you shake your head hard enough causing it to fall off and roll across the room, send your hospital bill to TyTy and Hagel. Those bitches can afford it.

I know I should be proud of Hagel for proving that being a major cunt pays off, but I just can't! I sort-of (not really) can understand why TyTy queefs hundred dollar bills, but I still can't wrap my brain around Hagel making 18 million clams. So many layers of NOT RIGHT. Here's the full list:

1. TyTy - $30 million
2. Hagel - $18 million
3. Marg Helgenberger - $9.5 million
4. Eva Longoria Parker - $9 million
5. Mariska Hargitay - $8.5 million
6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus - $8 million (tie)
6. Maura Tierney - $8 million (tie)
8. Tina Fey - $7 million
9. Marcia Cross - $6.2 million
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt - $6 million

VIA Radar

It seems that 17-year-old Frances Bean (daughter of Courtney Love & Kurt Cobain) has inherited her mother's skills for writing confusing rants about totally random subjects. For some reason, Frances went on her Twitter (her account has since been deleted) and typed out an open letter to 45-year-old Ali Lohan of all people. If we were all to write a joint open letter to Ali Lohan, it would consist of 6 words: YOU ARE SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. But Frances Bean got a little deeper. We're going to need an Emo soundtrack for this one.

Before you start, you should know that Courtney Love doesn't believe in spell check in her household. Rant poetry should be raw. And we're off:

This is my open letter to Ali Lohan.

Your not entitled to anything simply because your sister has a recognizable name. Your idea of fame isn't fame. It's infamy. You want to be famous? Work your ass off and make decisions that could potentially catapult your career into a lasting one. Notariety for who you are and notaritey for the work you produce are two completely differnt things. I understand that you have been brought up in an envirtoment where the idea of fame is easily achievable but, that's not an excuse. You lack the talent, social understanding and credibility to be anything other then infamous. Your careere choices, thus far, will transcend a future career as someone who attempted to be famous, but never quite achieved it. And if you do, it will be the formality of fame that puts you on the covers of tabloids, while the public idly watches you plumit into the murky abyss shared with the likes of Spencer Pratt & Jon Gosslin who, i'm sure, will steal your money whilst there. Fortunately for the world, there are people who have and don't have recognizable names, who have obtained artistic integrity and will one day, hopefully, bring that tangible artisticness into light again. Though, its hard to think thats achievable when people like You ali lohan are rendering the world of true talent by attempting to make your entitled ass noticed. How is this fair to the people who HAVE artistic integrity, or a mind? How is it fair to those who truly have something to offer the human race other then a dwindling last name and a few shitty films, both of which, solidified the idea that your just a celebrities sibling. I recognize that i might come across as harsh and no, i don't personally know you, but its the actions that you take, that speak for you. You blatently don't care how your recognized, its the objective to get famous and that is what makes you replaceable and a recycled idea .Well, im ashamed to have to be grouped into the same category of person as you. I would rather die a most painful death the be assoicated with the kind of careere your trying to make for your self. I hope i'm wrong because generally i'm not a very judgmental person, but in the case of you, that is MY entitlement.

I have to give to Frances for putting "Ali Lohan" and "artistic integrity" together, because my brain would have never ever gone to that place. And if it did, I'd have to disown it immediately.

I know I'm already on the Grammar & Spelling Nazis' most wanted list, but Frances Bean just jumped two places ahead of me. I'll see you in grammar prison, Frances! We can be bunk mates.

And if you're currently suffering from IRONY poisoning after reading this letter, just drink some milk and stay away from anything Courtney Love-related for a few hours.

P.S. - I'm patiently waiting for White Oprah's "open letter to Frances Bean," but I think she's still lying face first in a toilet from last night's debauchery, so let's give her a few.

VIA ONTD

You might have been wondering why your stomach is growling more than usual this morning. No, it wasn't the bad jizz you ate last night. It was your stomach sensing that it's about to go through some serious shit, because reportedly a Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is about hit the internet. Yeah, you probably won't hear from your genitals for a few days. They aren't going to come out until it's safe.

Zack Taylor (via ONTD) says that some source sent him a few screen shots that are supposedly of Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Sarah Silverman missionary-style (BORING!). Apparently, the 15-minute tape that was shot a few years ago is being shopped around. The source added that Sarah and Jimmy bumped tittays on tape while on vacation at some resort. When they left, they forgot to take the camera with them and a resort employee got their hands on it. That's the story.

Based on the screen shots alone, that could be absolutely anybody or anything. It could be Guillermo, it could be Jon Grosselin, it could be Kate Gosselin's possum head, it could be Khloe Kardashian without her weave on or it could be my Uncle Werner after getting his back waxed.

Let's just pretend this post never happened. I mean, porn isn't supposed to make your fuck parts sad.

UPDATE: A rep for both Jimmy and Sarah says it isn't them in the sex tape. Wait, so maybe it is my Uncle Werner after all!

While you're sitting in your cubicle this afternoon eating your lunch of ramen noodles, stale popcorn and tap water, don't think about how much The Hills twats makes per episode. Well, unless you want your bowels to burst. If that's the case, think away!

The Daily Beast got a hold (*cough*Spencer's flesh beard faxed it them*cough*) of a contract which states what everybody on The Hills makes per episode. Get ready to pop the Pepcid, because here we go:

Lauren Conrad - $125,000 per episode (her contract also stated that nobody on The Hills could make more than her)
Kristin Calawhateverwhoever - $90,000 per episode
Heidi Montag - $100,000 per episode
Ceiling Eyes - $100,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth - $100,000 per episode
Spencer Twatt - $65,000 per episode
Brody Jenner - $45,000 per episode
Spencer's flesh beard - One bottle of RID and a 2-month supply of Veet
Staci the Bartender - Two morning after pills and a 10% off coupon to the free clinic

And there you go! It's hard for me to fully hate, because these bitches are making money for doing absolutely NOTHING. Seriously, they aren't even flexing one brain cell (for those who have one). They get paid a ton of cash to go to fake lunch, talk about fake things, sit at their fake jobs and partake in fake relationships. But they are gittin' that cash...I guess.

However, it would be a lot cheaper for MTV if they simply painted a coat of paint on the wall and filmed it drying. It would have the same effect and only cost them $20 MAX. I'd even give them the Lowe's gift card my mom gave me for Christmas.

With all that being queefed, I will be watching the season premiere tonight. Yes, I AM THE PROBLEM!!!!!

Kirk Cameron, the star of my favorite comedy movie of '08 Fireproof, has once again climbed to the top of the internet mountain to shout about evolution...or something. In a video he posted on his website, Kirk went on and on about how Darwin hated vagina and was a total racist. Kirk even claims that Darwin's "Origin of Species" inspired Hitler. Yup, the entire Seaver family just put him on the curb.

Kirk and the "Banana Guy" will travel to college campuses to hand out a new 50-page introduction for the "Origin of Species." Unfortunately, Kirk didn't say Boner would be joining them on the tour. Because if he was, I'd totally drop my dildo to be there.

After Kirk's video made it around the internet and back, a Romanian girl posted a response where she calls him a "ssssssssssnake!" Homegirl spanks Kirk as if he was a screaming 2-year-old in the Salvation Army! Anybody who looks like they teleported directly from 1990 has my vote. Every time.

VIA Jezebel

Where was Quween on the Scene when you needed her, because the security at last night's VMAs was shit! A three-legged, blind chihuahua could have done a better job. Not only did Kanye West manage to crash Taylor Swift's party, but Lil' Mama did the exact same thing during Jay-Z's performance with Alicia Keys.

At the tail end of Jay-Z's performance, a sneaky troll scampered on the stage to try to get a little air time. At one point, Jay-Z tried to shoo Lil' Mama away, but she ignored the hint and instead struck a pose at the end. When did the VMAs turn into my family reunions? Bitches interrupting each other left and right!

At next year's VMAs, the producers will have to gather all the children around to let them know when someone is holding "the talking stick" (aka the mic), that means you need to sit on your hands and listen.

And who was guarding Lil Mama's bridge while she was busy screwing with Jay-Z's performance?! Maybe one of the Olsens covered her shift.

Below is Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' full performance, but skip to the 5:00 mark to watch the tranny troll try to takeover.

What in the huh in the what in the fuck?! The producers of American Idol must have found the emergency stash Paula Abdul left behind in her dressing room and had themselves a major party where they somehow came up with the idea to cast Ellen Degeneres as the fourth judge! I mean, this is some shit you come up with when you're riding high on the bad shit! And no, September 9th is not the new April 1st.

Ellen and Fox both announced tonight that she will replace Paula Abdul starting this season. Ellen said this:

"I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I'm the people's point of view because I'm just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I'm not looking at it in a critical way from the producer's mind. I'm looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I'm going to have a day job and a night job. The times we're living in ... we're all doing that."

I just hope that either Ellen or Ryan Gaycrest dye their hair another color, because we are going to have a bitch of a time trying to figure out who is who!

You just know the big stack of money Fox handed over to Ellen is ten times bigger than the one they offered to Paula. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. Now Paula is really going to have the meltdown of all meltdowns. All pharmacies, back alley dealers and medicine cabinets should immediately go on HIGH ALERT! Paula Abdul will be on the loose tonight!

And for those of you wondering if Ellen Degeneres has any singing experience, I present this to you:

White Oprah is celebrating this morning because she can finally make another layaway payment to her back alley pharmacist now that her personal ATM machine got another job! WWD has announced that after months of rumors fake tan and leggins designer, LiLo, is officially the “artistic adviser” at Ungaro. Lilo and the new chief designer, Estrella Archs, will debut the fashion house's new collection in Paris on October 4th. And I'm guessing that by November 4th, Ungaro will be sold exclusively at a TJ Maxx clearance bin near you!

LiLo said she plans to make Ungaro "younger." She went on to snort, “When I’m involved in a project, I give my all to it. I feel like there’s a correlation between everything I do, whether it’s pop music or film. I’ve always played a big part in what I wear, the costumes. Clothing is something that’s so expressive in so many ways. It really interests me. To be in a position where I’m working with a fashion house in Paris sets it apart from every other celebrity brand.”

So I'm guessing we'll see a lot of leggings with hidden pockets for your stash, shorty dresses that make it easier to flash your meat box to the paparazzi and pieces made from "recycled materials" (aka shit LiLo stole). And you know Ungaro only hired her ass because they wanted an in-house dealer. I can't hate them for that.

Here's the next Coco Chanel (may lightning strike me) trolling around NYC with White Oprah yesterday.