Kate Moss

Kate Moss woke up at 6pm the other day and thought to herself, "Tonight, I want to look like the lounge singer love child of an episode of Star Trek from the 80s and the movie Xanadu as seen through the eyes of Sasha Fierce." Balmain granted Kate's wish and she thanked them by ripping that shit up at 4am after a night of saucing and snorting. Although, maybe Kate's drunktardian ways had nothing to do with her wrecking that dress. I mean, she was in the company of an extral-large vanillasicle milkshake. David Walliams' hotness will make any ho split their pants, panties, dress and ass. Bitch can give you an extra ass crack!

Look at the last thumbnail below. David caught a glimpse of his sexiness in the rear-view mirror which caused him to jizz his own pants. Even he is not safe.

Yeah, usually Kate Moss prefers to fuck on carcasses and zombies, but recently she was caught with one of the dudes from the band The Living Things. While on a trip to Berlin, Kate got close to Eve Berlin. So close in fact that they ended up taking off all their panties.

Eve's brother Lillian, who is the lead singer of The Living Things, told The Sun, “Walking in on my brother and Kate Moss with their clothes off, that was very awkward. I don’t like to look at my brother naked. Between my brother being naked and seeing Kate Moss naked with my brother, that was very awkward.”

Just for the record, Lillian and Eve were allegedly born with penises. Their original names were Lawrence and Yves, so don't blame their parents on the reason why they sound like characters Bette Davis has played in movies.

When asked if Kate's boyfriend, Jamie Hince, knows about her slapping Eve's peen with her cokey lips, Lillian said, “No comment. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Well, Kate just can't help it. She's following the rules! You know what they say, "When in Berlin, do a dude named Berlin."

What happens to Kate Moss when she stops drinking alcohol? Does she turn into a Gremlin? Does her overworked liver take the opportunity to finally quit that bitch? Will the alcohol industry request a bail out? Well, whatever happens, we're about to find out, because Kate Moss is off the sweet sweet nectar after she got a fungal infection on one of her feet. No, she didn't stick her toe in the wrong asshole, she claims she picked it up during a janky manicure in New York. Kate is now on antibiotics so she isn't allowed to drink a drop of booze.

A friend told The Sun, “She is certain she caught a fungal infection from the cheap salon. She’s really annoyed as she was looking forward to wearing open-toe sandals now that the weather is heating up. But she’s going to have to keep her feet undercover for a little longer.”

More like she gave a fungal infection to the cheap salon. We're all friends here, let's be honest. But I really feel for Kate. She can't show off snaggle claws and she can't drink any delicious life juice. It's a good thing she has another foot, so she can still inject the bad shit in between her toes. I knew there was a reason God gave us two feet!

Image: Fame Pictures

Topshop and Topman opened in NYC last night and I have to start by telling the power bottoms out there who might not know about this shit that this is NOT a place where hundreds of tops are lined up for your pleasure. I made that mistake when I was in London. I was promptly escorted out by security when I asked where the dick was. It was all very embarrassing.

At last night's opening, Kate Moss and JLo came mouth to cheek. This gross moment is making my stomach crawl up to my throat, but I hope it was good for JLo. Like I hope she got high off of Kate's fumes, because bitch needs it! Maybe if JLo got a hit of the bad shit, she would stop making "I got a doody bubble and it won't come out" face. Actually, a taste of the bad shit might make it worse. I seriously will be willing to put on an entire box of Hazmat-approved rubber gloves so that I can pop JLo's doody bubble Bobby Brown-style. Maybe then will she stop making that annoying IHasFarts face.

And if Chuck Bass chased the dragon, caught it, stumbled into a fruit dehydrator and passed out in there for a few weeks, he'd come out looking like Skeletor. Methinks Skeletor thought plaid would make him look like he's a member of the living. He thought wrong.

Citizens of New York! Quit reading this shit and quickly run out to your local liquor store! Buy every bottle you can get your hands on and then rush home like you've got the runs in a bad way, because Kate Moss is amongst us! Kate will drink this city dry of our sweetest nectar! She will seek it out and won't stop until every last drop has entered her mouth! If you're into the bad shit, you better hide that too, because she'll sniff it out. Before you lock yourself in your apartment, line your front door with toothpaste. Kate doesn't go near the stuff. Don't be scared. We will get through this!

Here's Boozerfield in Manhattan today for the opening of the first Top Shop in the US. She may look all smiley and sober now, but it won't be long before she'll turn into a snarly booze-hungry monster!

Only a crackhead would sneak into a bitch's car thinking they'll never get caught. But if you are a crackhead and you can't fight the urge to do that, then you might as well sneak into Kate Moss' car, because you know that bitch has mountains of the fairy powder all over the place.

That's probably what some crazy ass ho was thinking when she slid into Kate's car last night. The always fucked up Kate didn't even notice, probably because she had some of that coke dust in her eyes, and sat right on the loon! The loon let out a screech and her cover was blown! Kate got up, security grabbed the crazy and threw her out. FOILED! The lunatic's dream of snorting one of Kate's coke boogers was shattered.

And is Kate looking a little knocked up in the belly area? Or maybe those 6 ear piercings that are visiting from 1992 are making her look fat.

When Dreamboat Doherty is sitting in front of a broken mirror, he softly weeps to himself, because he's expecting the hand of Kate Moss to cut the lines or lick the residue off one of his crack sores in his nose. And Kate's no longer there. And that's sad. Dreamy was hoping to woo Kate back at Lily Allen's show, but Lily's whores put a stop to that fuckery! Dumb bitches got in the way of crack's favorite couple getting back together.

Dreamy told Q Magazine that he was upset about it, “I wanted to see Lily Allen play the other week. But her label EMI got in touch and said, ‘We don’t want you there because Kate Moss will be there and it will take attention away from Lily. Can you not go? I was so insulted. I don’t know. I think I would have been courteous enough. Then I’d probably have headbutted her new boyfriend, put her over my shoulder and run off. I miss her. And I would like to speak to her.”

Jamie Hince has been warned. A headbutt from Dreamy will give him a permanent case of hair maggots. Bitch better wear a bar of soap around his neck at all times to ward off The Doherty.

Fuck Lily, fuck Jamie and fuck Kate too! Dreamy doesn't need that shit. Kate is a bad influence on him! He's as pristine as my no-no on a Sunday now and the last thing he needs is that drunk ass snagtooth whore to fuck up all his good work!

In a few months, she'll be back on her knees, begging Dreamy back. I hope he carefully puts the bible down, excuses himself from the sick orphans he was reading to and kindly tells Kate to fuck the fuck off!

VIA MTV UK

Kate Moss loves the bad shit, but apparently it doesn't love her back, because it turns her into a raging beastly wolf who will knock down bathroom stall doors to get a little time with it. Last week, the mother of the millennium partied for four straight nights in a row and it the fun came to a crash when she flipped out in the bathroom at a club in London.

The Sun says that the big bad whorebag blew into the ladies room at Volstead and caused chaos when she found out all the stalls were taken. That selfish ass whore bag! Other skanks need their nose medicine too! Damn. A source said, “She barged into the ladies and when she realised there were no cubicles free she starting kicking one of the doors, shouting: ‘Hurry up or I’ll kick the fucking door down." Yeah, I'm sure she screamed, "I'll chop and I'll cut and I'll snort your lines up!"

The bathroom attendant tried to calm Kate down and gave her some tissue to use when it was her turn. Kate threw it back and shouted, "I don’t want any of your skanky toilet roll.”

If a toilet roll had eyes, it would have given Kate a side-eye that could kill. Who the fuck is that bitch calling a skanky toilet roll?! In fact, Kate's Wikipedia page should say "Katherine 'Kate' Moss is an English model and a skanky toilet roll."

Kate Moss isn't going to let a pesky thing called "having a child at home" get in the way of her partying until the early morning hours all week. If momma doesn't get her pussy drunk, she's not happy.

The Sun says Kate partied like a Moss for the fourth night in a row yesterday with Count Von Count. Kate didn't roll up into her house until after 4 in the morning. And about halfway through her night, bitch changed outfits, because her first one probably got a little dusty with coke particles.

Don't worry about Kate's little girl! Children can take care of themselves these days. Just plop them in front of the TV, give them an empty Jack Daniels bottle to play with and a Goo Goo Cluster to eat for dinner. Hey, it has nuts and that's protein!

At a Fendi party in Paris last night, the human 8-ball known as Kate Moss did what she does best while sitting with young Leonetta Fendi. First of all, she was watching Beth Ditto shaking her ham hocks so you'd be out-of-your-brains tanked too. Second of all, Lil' Leonetta is learning how to be a fucked-up mess from one of the best! You have to learn some day, so you might as well as learn from the cokey master! Although, Leonetta is sitting a little too close. She could accidentally breath in a rogue particle. At this point, she should be observing, not participating. But you know Kate asked her if she was holding.

This shit was a Fendi party and I couldn't find any pictures of Karl Lagerfeld! The zombie queen probably died for good when Beth Ditto stripped down and started jiggling her business. You know that shit's a good party when Kate Moss is boozing with a child and the living dead dies.