Try The Jello

Do not let the state of Steven Tyler's bruised, battered and busted face fool you. There is not a patch of dirt under the wagon with his face print on it. Steven told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that booze nor drugs is to blame for why he looks like one of the Cyrus aunties after fighting Noah for the last jug of XXX at a possum roast.

Aerosmith had to postpone a show in Paraguay by one day, because bitch went boom in the shower. Steven was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors stitched up the cuts on his forehead and dentists replaced the two toofs that knocked out of his mouth when he hit the shower floor.

The Ruth Bader Ginsburg of rock said he that totally understands if bitches think his fall was due to him being a sloppy messy drunk since all of his past falls happened due to him being a sloppy messy drunk. But this time, food poisoning led to his b-hole playing "Shit This Way" on a loop, which led to dehydration, which led to weakness, which led to his face eating shower floor. Steven went on to say that he's 100% sober and "we flew last night from Paraguay after that incident and we're in Argentina for two hours. And anyone who knows anyone who uses substances wouldn't be up at this hour having a talk with Matt Lauer and the rest of America."

Steven's unfortunate accident can be best explained through my favorite song: "When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When your chillin’ with your daughter and you feel the poopoo water: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you ski the Alps of France and your cocoa’s in your pants: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you're soaping up your pits and your anus starts to spit: Diarrhea, diarrhea!"

If Hugh Hefner can look at that picture above and seriously say, "I would like to this offer this beautiful woman $1 million to pose naked in my magazine," then I'm totally okay with the whole "Lindsay Lohan in Playboy" thing.

All of John Mayer's upcoming performances and the release date for his new album have been pushed back thanks to a growth that is clinging near his vocal cords and makes him feel like tiny Jessica Simpsons in spiked heels are tap dancing out the invisible words "sexual napalm" on his throat when he tries to sing. This is just too too toooooo easy (kind of like John Mayer's dickkk), so I'll just let you read what he wrote on his Tumblr (via Vulture) about the gonor-, I mean the granuloma that won't let him yodel.

Hi everyone,

After several months of going week to week monitoring and hoping to correct the condition, I am forced to cancel my upcoming singing engagements due to something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma.

I’m bummed to have to bow out of both the iheartradio Music Festival in Las Vegas and an appearance with Tony Bennett in Los Angeles. I know there were people depending on me to be there and I’m sorry that I can’t be on those stages.

‘Born and Raised’ is complete as far as music recording, song selection, and in some cases mixing, but because of this condition I couldn’t finish singing on several of the tracks. This means the record will be released next year instead of this fall or winter.

This is a temporary setback, though I’m not sure how long or short a period of time it will be. I’ve got the best doctors in the country looking after me and I will be singing and touring again as soon as I get the all clear. Until then I’ll be spending time writing and composing more music and kicking an empty soup can around the West Village.

I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Until then take good care.

John

Well, at least now John has more time to devote to perfecting his bottom of the barrel Johnny Depp impersonation. You need more white pressed powder, John!

Gavin DeGraw seems pretty damn harmless. Gavin wrote that song "Chariot" and that one song that was in the opener for One Tree Hill for a while, and the top of his head has never felt outside oxygen since it's always covered with a newsboy cap. Seriously, Gavin looks like a Newsies' extra who never let go. The question "Who the hell would want to issue a 'Whoop That Trick' on Gavin DeGraw?" has never filled my head, but it is now after reading that he got the beat down in NYC early Monday morning.

The New York Post says that Gavin was walking through the East Village at around 4 in the morning when he was attacked by a group of newsboy cap haters who broke his nose and cut up his face. After the attack, Gavin stumbled for 13 blocks to 19th Street and 1st Avenue where he was clipped by a taxi. Gavin is now laid up at at Bellevue Hospital.

Something in the milk ain't clean, because sources say Gavin was not robbed.

The world is going to shit. London is burning, hos are going crazy in the brains and our singer/songwriters can't safely walk the streets of NYC at 4 in the morning (THINK OF THE SINGER/SONGWRITERS!!!). Let's just fast forward to the near future where we're all covered in dirt and have to fight each other for the last chicken head in the alley using shanks we made from fish bones.

I mean, Gavin DeGraw?! It's not like he's James Blunt. Or Nickelback.

And I bet that newsboy cap never once left Gavin's head during that whole mess.

A Cage was shuffled off to the mental hospital yesterday and minds were blown with release when we all learned it wasn't Nicolas.

Nicolas Cage's 20-year-old son Weston did not have a good day yesterday. TMZ reports that it all started when Weston got into a screaming fight with his new wife Nikki ending with her performing Ginger's "I'M GOING! I'M GOING" scene from Casino and leaving their house. So Weston was already sitting right next to rage when he had lunch with his personal trainer at The Farmer's Market in Hollywood later in the afternoon.

Weston wanted to order something off the menu and his trainer wouldn't let him. Note to all: When Weston Cage wants to order the grilled decapitated pigeon heads and sacrificial goat hearts with a white wine vinaigrette, LET HIM. It will save you from trying to block a roundhouse kick from a goth prince. That's exactly what Weston did. A source says that Weston lost his mind and tried to kick his trainer like a scorned Chinese lady on a public bus. Even after Weston's trainer took him down and tried to whisper some calm into him, he continued with his freakout.

The cops arrived and threatened to turn Weston's dick bush into his dad's hair by tasering him. Weston had a "Don't tase me, bro" epiphany and finally cooled his shit. Instead of taking him to jail, the cops took him to a local hospital for a mental health evaluation. Weston's dad flew into town yesterday to be with his son and has put all of his plans on hold to stay with him indefinitely.

It's not known if Weston was on the wrong stuff, but the waitstaff at the restaurant thinks he was under the influence of something.

Weston shouldn't feel bad. This is what Kristie Alley used to do when her trainer didn't let her eat carbs. Her eyes would turn black, the clouds would cover the sun, animals within a 2-mile radius would run for cover and Maryann Forrester from True Blood could be heard cackling in the distance. It happens.

Weston is in good hands now and hopefully he's getting the crazy tamed. You know what my abuelita used to do to soothe the nerves? She would go into the backyard, murder bees with her chankla, hike up her house dress and then she'd sting herself in the leg with its stinger. And she not once screamed, "No las abejas!!!!" It was more like the bees screamed, "No a la abuela!!!"

21-year-old Sean Kingston is in a Miami hospital today after his jet ski crashed into Palm Island Bridge at around 6pm yesterday evening. Local10.com reports that Sean and his female passenger were both thrown from the jet ski and landed in the water. They were both rescued from the water by a good doer on a boat. Sean's injuries were so serious that he had to be treated in the trauma ward, but his rep says that he has since been transferred to ICU and he's in critical but stable condition.

"Sean Kingston is now stabilized and has moved from the trauma unit to ICU. Sean's family thanks everyone for their prayers and support during this time."

A spokesperson for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission believes that booze was not involved in the crash. The spokesperson added this: "Nine times out of 10, recklessness on the water involving personal watercraft contributes to accidents. That is not necessarily the cause of this one, but we spend a lot of time patrolling the areas looking for violations with jet skis and motor boats."

I read this story right after I read about the young model who fell to her death at the W Hotel in Atlanta after crashing through a 10th story window during a play fight with another friend. What is going on?! This is why I spend most of my free time drinking Strawberry Hill in my empty bathtub. It isn't because it's easy to clean lonely tears and booze slobber from the bathtub. It's because I can't fall out of a window from there. Watch, the shower head is totally going to fall on my head now.

Good thoughts wrapped in good thoughts for Sean and his friend.

If TMZ is telling the truth, then the clip above shows Whitney Houston making her last appearance at a Prince concert. Whit has been a regular fixture at Prince's show and even got on stage at The Forum in L.A. the other night to holler out a sound that I can only describe as sounding like a constipated walrus with laryngitis trying to push a baby out through his penis hole. Prince's audience will no longer get to the hear that sound, because his team has put Whitney Houston's name on their banned list due to her constant acts of drunken mayhem. Whitney is as messy as that raggedy creature on her head.

A source says that even though they never saw Whitney sip on an alcoholic beverage, she's been giving off signs that she's drunk as shit. When Whitney isn't being a fool in the audience, she's begging Prince's people to let her up on stage to perform with him. They give in every now and again, but whenever they do they find themselves faced with a group of people asking for their money back. This has forced Prince to deny Whitney from here on out.

In other Whit Whit news, Radar says that everything old is new again! Specifically, CRACK! They're hearing that Bobby Brown is telling his friends that crack ain't whack to Whitney again. Apparently, Whitney is back in rehab, because she's been hitting the crack pipe like old times. One of Bobby B's friends said, "It's the worst it's ever been. Whitney went on tour again, and that's when the relapse occurred. Whitney's shutting a lot of people out of her life. It is a dire situation."

Do we need to send Diane Sawyer to pay a visit to Whitney's rehab room to try to set her straight again? Get it together, Whit! In ten years, I do not want to be poking at a cold egg breakfast while Whit leans against a cigarette machine and hacks out her greatest hits in between serving burnt hash browns to truckers in a casino diner outside of Laughlin, NV.

I went with this picture, because Catherine Zeta Jones could really use a Michael Douglas photobomb right about now. It is a known natural healer.

A rep for CZJ tells People that she suffers from bipolar disorder and made the decision to check into a mental hospital when the stress of dealing with her husband's illness was too much for her to handle on her own. The rep said this:

"After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder. She’s feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films."

CZJ has definitely been through some shit from MD's cancer treatment to her stepson getting arrested for dealing with the bad shit to almost get knocked out by a pap (that's a stretch, I know), so it's a good thing she's decided to sit still for a minute before she rips off a baby squirrel's head with her bare teeth. Get better, CZJ, so you can get back to scaring us at the Tonys!

This morning, my broke off, dozed off eyes woke up to the headline: "WYCLEF JEAN SHOT IN HAND IN HAITI!" My head is like the inside of an old garbage disposal with busted blades, so I read it as "head" instead of "hand" which made me jump a bit. But I guess getting shot in the hand might be as bad as getting shot in the head to some. Especially if they shoot you in your fappin' hand of choice. Let's hope this didn't happen to Wyclef.

The L.A. Times reports that Wyclef was at a rally in Port-au-Prince for presidential candidate Michel Martelly last night when a bullet grazed his hand. Wyclef's rep said that he was taken to the hospital, treated for the wound and released after a couple of hours. There's no information as to who shot Wyclef or why, but it might have something to do with the fact that he was planning on running for president but was disqualified due to residency qualifications.

It's also not known if Sean Penn was seen fleeing from the scene on a getaway raft.

Since somebody is fucking with Wyclef and trying to stop him from writing checks from his Yele Foundation to CASH, he better take a note from The Black Eyed Peas and start wearing Tron gloves and Captain EO armor.

You know that Hot Slut from this morning who walks 3 miles every day for a complimentary (just for her) cheeseburger from McDonald's? Well, it's a real shame she lives all the way in New Zealand, because she really needs to hook up with this 82-year-old lady who eats a whole large pizza every day. Together they'd party like frat boys with bowels of fucking steel. Although, Lady Domino's story isn't as feel goody Catherine's.

Every single day, the 83-year-old Memphis woman calls in to Domino's as soon as they open and orders a large pepperoni pizza with 2 Diet Cokes. The same shit, different day. She never throws in a side salad (which is basically just old lettuce and a tomato they picked out of the dumpster from the Sizzler down the street) or brownies. Well, one day went by without a call from her. The same thing happened the next day. Finally, on the third day, her regular delivery lady Susan Guy realized that something in the milk ain't clean.

Susan drove to the pizza addict's house, knocked on her windows and eventually called the police when nobody came to the door. It turns out, the woman fell down and couldn't get up! Where was Life Alert when she needed them most! The woman is now in the hospital and Susan is planning to visit her soon with a fresh pizza.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Miss Cleo in me can read all your minds. You're thinking that the woman probably fell because she slipped on the pizza grease that secretes out of her foot pores. NO! Okay, maybe, but what else is she supposed to eat? I've never seen vegetable delivery services or healthy meals pulled out of Gwyneth Paltrow's ass delivery services in the yellow pages, so pizza it is! Besides, she's made it to 82 so she's obviously doing something right. A pizza with a side of NOT GIVING A FUCK a day keeps the doctor away (not including those days that you accidentally fall).

The mysterious condition that grabbed onto Serene Branson's brain and caused her to spit out a scrambled Scrabble board has been solved. When the clip of the KCBS 2 reporter went viral on Sunday night, hos (including this ho) suddenly became WebMD graduates and used their expertise to say that she suffered a minor stroke, or a seizure, or an allergic reaction to Arcade Fire's performance. Serene allowed her doctor to talk about what fucked her up and he says that we're all wrong. It was a complex migraine. A migraine that scratches just like a stroke, but still a migraine. From The L.A. Times:

Serene Branson's garbled speech during a live Grammy broadcast last Sunday was not the result of a small stroke as many have speculated but was instead a symptom of a "complex migraine," according to her physician, Dr. Neil Martin, chief of neurosurgery at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center.

A complex migraine can mimic the symptoms of a stroke, with weakness, loss of vision and difficulty speaking, in addition to a headache. It is often mistaken for a stroke.

One theory about the cause of complex migraines is that blood vessels in the brain suddenly narrow, or spasm, and then dilate again. When they dilate, the headache develops. But during the spasm phase, certain parts of the brain receive too little blood, causing the stroke-like symptoms. The neurological symptoms are nearly always temporary.

Who knew? But now we know. KCBS2 has already said that Serene is fully recovered and is hoping to get back in front of the camera very soon.

And now that Lindsay Lohan knows what a complex migraine is, expect her to use this in the future. "I didn't type that! My Twitter had a complex migraine."