Try The Jello

The Beastie Boys have put the release of their new album on pause and canceled their upcoming tour so that MCA (aka Adam Yauch) can get surgery on a cancerous tumor doctors found on his left parotid gland. The tumor isn't going to eff with his voice, but Adam will have to go through treatment. Adam explains it all in the message above and he even apologizes to the fans for having to go away for a quick minute. Dude doesn't have to apologize. Get bettah, MCA.

On Wednesday afternoon Mischa Barton had some sort of "meltdown" and was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where they stamped a 5150 on her forehead. This allowed their asses to hold her for at least 72 hours. Well, time is up, but Mischa will continue to eat the Jello. Mischa's rep said she's going to stay in the hospital for more treatment. He wouldn't say why Mischa had to be shuffled off to the crazy bin, but her so-called "friends" say she stuffed her nose holes with way too much bad shit.

They told The NY Post that after a 3-day coke binge, Mischa freaked out and was scared she was going to do suicides to herself, so she called the cops (cut to Wino chirping, "Pfft. Lightweight"). One of the friends went on to yap, "She's in very bad shape. She's running out of money and can't find love, so now she is looking for a good time to escape her misery. She is on a downward spiral. She is a mess. She is a suicidal, uninsurable mess."

The thing is, Mischa was supposed to fly to New York on Friday to do promotion for some movie she's in and she's also in the cast of The Beautiful Life on The CW. It's not like she's working the graveyard shift as a security guard at Walgreens ala Gary Coleman. And as for the love thing, she's only 23. Somebody give her Jennifer Aniston's Skype name. They need to have a conversation.

James Caviezel (or Mr. Jesus Christ to Mel Gibson) was riding around on his Harley in Leavenworth, Washington yesterday when some crazy-brained lunatic threw a bike in his path for reasons unknown. The passion of the bike caused James to crash. He suffered minor cuts and bruises.

One of the police officers told The Associated Press (via SeattlePI) that James was wearing a helmet, but said his injuries could've been a lot worse if he wasn't. The officer also added that he didn't know why the crazy threw a bike at James, but said he might be suffering from mental issues.

Okay, this is why people are scary. We already have to worry about all sorts of shit when we just walk down the street and now we have to watch for fuckaloonies throwing bikes at us?! The government needs to do something about this I propose they give us all a never-ending supply of Valium to help us deal with all the anxiety we go through on a daily basis. Yeah, that sounds right.

Cindy Adams of The New York Post says that Elizabeth Taylor was hospitalized in Los Angeles yesterday, because she has the sads in a major way. A source said that ever since her best friend Michael Jackson passed away, she's been in a terrible state.

Apparently, Elizabeth has not received rainbow-filled hugs from the family either. The source says that Elizabeth wanted to attend Michael's private funeral, but she was banned by the family, because she was his friend and not theirs. Take that with a grain of salt, because Elizabeth already Twittered that she was going to mourn Michael on her own, because she didn't want to be part of the "public whoopla."

The source added that Elizabeth is suffering from exhaustion.

You know, there should be some kind of fluffy kitten network for situations like this. Liz just needs to eat a lot grilled cheese sandwiches while watching kittens play 24-hours a day. It'll cheer her up a little. Kind of like the Shiba Inu PUPPY cam. Actually, scratch that. That's not a good idea, because when the Shiba Inu puppy went completely dark, so did my no-heart (again).

The Britain's Got Talent tour started just two days ago and Susan Boyle has already called in sick. The Daily Mail says that Susan didn't perform in today's matinee in Manchester and she also won't bedazzle the audience with her glorious hummingbird yodel tonight.

The show's rep said that Susan isn't going back to the house of crazy, she's just got the tireds. The spokeswhore for BGT said, "She has been advised to rest today. She has done three amazing performances but she is being advised to rest. She is really disappointed because she wants to be out there performing but she has been advised to have this rest. She sends her sincere apologies to her fans for not appearing in Manchester."

SuBo probably went on an all-night booze and coke binge with her cat Pebbles, so she just needs a day to let the drunk ills wash off of her. Hopefully, SuBo is lying in her Snuggie, sipping on Emergen-C & whiskey and watching Golden Girls re-runs.

We haven't heard much from Jamie Lynn Spears lately. I guess homegirl has just been down in the south, raising her baby, eating jerky and laying low. Well, unfortunately this isn't the greatest update on Jamie Lynn. You see, at around 1:30 this morning Jamie Lynn's baby daddy (I'm trying so hard to slowly retire that phrase, but it's hard), Casey Aldridge, was driving back home from a fishing trip with his friends when he lost control of his F-250 truck and it flipped over. Moonshine was not involved. I think.

Casey reportedly got pretty messed up in the crash and he was immediately airlifted to the Riverland Medical Facility in Ferriday, LA. TMZ says he's stable condition now, but that it could've been pretty fucking bad. Some reports claim Casey suffered a major brain injury and had to undergo surgery, but one of his family members told TMZ that wasn't the case. Casey did suffer a minor skull fracture, but he did not go to surgery. They are keeping an eye on him and will hopefully release him in a few days.

Casey's three friends also got fucked up, but not nearly as bad.

Jamie Lynn is currently with Casey, feeding him Jello, watching Monster Truck rallies with him and making sure he's all better for court shit. After the crash, the cops charged Casey with careless whisper operation of a motor vehicle, a misdemeanor.

Farrah Fawcett was hospitalized last week and there were reports that she was unconscious and not doing too hot. Well, there's better news this morning. Farrah issued a statement to People thanking her fans for their constant support and hope. Farrah is continuing to fight the fight. Her rep said that she's walking, is in good spirits and will probably bust out of the hospital on her magical winged hair in just a few days and will return home.

But while Farrah is doing better in the hospital, her son Redmond is in jail. Now, Redmond is on probation for drug possession and he's currently facing charges in another case. It seems like he was begging to be arrested again, because the bitch was visiting a friend at a jail outside of Los Angeles yesterday and he brought some of the bad shit with him.

Redmond was in the jail parking lot when the cops stopped him to do a routine search. Redmond admitted he had drugs on him. The cops searched his ass, found some shit including heroin, arrested him and now Redmond is in jail on $25,000 bail.

Did you order a plate of fried ginger, because that's exactly what we have here. A dumb fuck! Redmond's mom is fucking sick in the hospital and he's out doing hood rat stuff in a jail parking lot?! He might as well have lubed up his firehole and brought the dildo, because he is totally fucked. Meth is seriously the breakfast, lunch and dinner of brain champions.

That being said, I'd hit it. Well, you know how my shit puckers for the ginges. And Redmond is a bad bad ginge. He'd probably turn me out on the streets to get his fix. Swoooooon.

And it's not right that his latest mug shot is in black and white. The ginge should never be covered.

Shitty news for a Sunday morning. Farrah Fawcett has been in a Los Angeles hospital since last Thursday and is in critical but stable condition. That's what sources tell Radar anyway, so who really knows. Friends say Ryan O'Neal is with her and she's currently unconscious.

Farrah was diagnosed with cancer in 2006. She later said her cancer went into remission. Farrah just got back from Germany where she was undergoing stem-cell treatment.

Last week, I was watching one of those entertainment shows like The Insider and Farrah was on bitching about the paparazzi. She looked good, so hopefully this is just a tiny little setback.

Healing thoughts to Farrah!

Image: Splash

Pete Burns of Dead or Alive was hospitalized last week after a bunch of kidney stones fucked with his organs. The Sun says that 49-year-old Pete underwent a 5-hour surgery on his kidneys after doctors found 8 kidney stones. They were unable to get them out because of a blockage. Pete is now laid up and hopefully floating above the clouds thanks to a morphine drip. Pete was able to type through the pain and wrote a message on his website.

Pete wrote, "I'm in a very serious condition on 24 hours intravenous morphine for the pain. Intravenous fluid as I'm so dehydrated and the kidneys can't retain the liquid. I'm critically ill and under 24 hours observation and will be in hospital for quite a long time."

Let the morphine drip take you on a ride and get better, Pete. Those gorgeous eyebrows need you.

Since we're on the subject of Pete Burns, (NSFW) click here to see a picture that lands in my inbox almost daily. I've seen it a trillion times, but it's a classic. Beware, you might need a morphine drip yourself after looking at this shit. Shit being the keyword.

Well, fuck. Natasha Richardson was involved in some fucked up ski accident in Canada. IrishCentral reports that she was taken to a hospital in Montreal and is in critical condition. A source said that Natasha suffered some kind of brain injury. It's not known whether her husband Liam Neeson was with her at the time.

Natasha is supposed to star on Broadway A Little Night Music with her mother Vanessa Redgrave sometime this year. And anybody who saw her in Cabaret knows she's a star at singing, dancing and acting.

Hopefully, if Liam is not with her, he's rushing to her now. His voice can almost soothe anything. But seriously, I hope this isn't as bad as it sounds and she fully recovers in a quick minute. Good thoughts to Natasha and her family.