Try The Jello

Remember those pictures from like a day ago of Brigitte Nielsen doing a spot-on impersonation of all of us by throwing herself a daytime drunk party for one in the middle of a park in Studio City, CA? Well, Gitte told Radar that she's perfectly fine and things aren't bad as they looked in those pictures. So what if Gitte was guzzling down a bottom shelf vodka that I wouldn't even use to disinfect my asshole with (I'm lying). So what if Gitte looked like she was buying wine in the park parking lot. So what if Gitte looked like a broke off, boozed up Big Foot stumbling into the brush to look for a discarded bottle of beer to suckle on. She just fell face first off the wagon and took a little nap before getting back on. Gitte explained it like this:

"I would like to thank all my fans as well as my friends from the Hollywood community for the heart warming calls and emails about those unfortunate and dramatic pictures. Looking at the pictures I can understand the level of worrying, but I can assure everyone that there is no cause for alarm. I have been on the road working non-stop for such a long time, fulfilling my professional commitments, shooting shows around the world with all the pressure that comes with it.

That combined with major health issues in my family drove me to the unfortunate circumstances that you can see on the pictures. At that moment in time, I felt like I needed a moment to myself, in a park. The vodka came about as a desperate move to try to release some pressure and is under no circumstances an indication of how I lead my life on a day to day basis."

[My mother] is extremely ill. I just haven't been coping well with my mother's illness. I'm not making any excuses for my actions. I have spoken to my sponsor from Alcoholics Anonymous, and I continue to go to meetings. I'm committed to my sobriety, and I'm not going to let this momentary relapse define me. I'm not perfect, and I'm battling a disease, and yes, there will be setbacks, but I know what I need to do in order to be healthy."

Well, it's good that Foofy Foofy's former soulmate has taken her marked seat on the wagon again and she wasn't lying about being desperate. I mean, desperation's official drink of choice is Popov vodka. Nothing says "I am all fresh out fucks to give" like guzzling down a vodka that is made of the potato chip crumbs left at the bottom of a bowl at the end of a party.

Halle Berry already fucked up her ankle while shooting the movie The Hive with Abigail Breslin (seen below looking like a lost Fanning sister) and last night she suffered a BOOM to the head while shooting that same shit in L.A. That shit is cursed! That movie sounded like a bad idea as soon as it was announced that Punk from I Love New York 2 joined the cast.

TMZ says that while shooting a fight scene, Halle fell and hit her head on a concrete block. Since head injuries are some serious shit, an ambulance was called and Halle was shuffled off to Cedars at around 10pm. The doctors ran a few tests, did an x-ray and declared her to be "okay" after they looked inside her head and saw banners with the words "Fuck you, Gabriel! Fuck you in your pretty face!" flying around. Halle's rep tells People that she's been released and won't take a sick day:

"Halle Berry suffered a minor head injury while shooting a fight sequence on the set of her film, The Hive. She was taken to the hospital as a precaution, but she checked out healthy and was released. She'll continue production as planned."

And just before the accident, in a hotel room in Manhattan somewhere, a half-nekkid Gabriel Aubrey slipped on the rest of his clothes while saying, "Okay, Tommy, I did it, now can you, the all-magical wizard priestess of the alien bridges, use your telekinesis powers like you promised? Oh, and can you also glamour the last 10 minutes from my mind or do I have to call up ASkars for that?"

You can dissect Omarosa's side-eye all you want, but I'm going to get into Michael Clarke Duncan's snow cone titties instead. Sadly, Michael Clarke Duncan's snow cone titties almost rode on an ice cold cloud to heaven this morning after he went into cardiac arrest at his house in L.A.

According to TMZ, 54-year-old Michael Clarke Duncan's heart started freaking out just before 2 this morning. Not only did I learn today that when the Virgin Mary shows herself on a tree in West New York, she sort of looks like a wooden vulva, but I also learned that Omarosa has been wet humping on Michael Clarke Duncan for years. I did not know this. And when the world almost lost MCD this morning, Omarosa saved him. Omarosa is usually trying to verbally kill hos with the cuntiness that comes out of her mouth, but today she used her mouth to save a life. Omarosa resuscitated MCD by giving him CPR. MCD was shuffled off to the hospital and he's now in stable condition.

See! Omarosa is good for something besides burning the lace front on Wendy Williams' wig, chapping the nerves of Piers Morgan and proudly representing ice cold, fame whoring bitches everywhere.

Well, if I'm going to give you some shitty news I might as well do it while giving you a picture of Jack Osbourne's French Bulldog making a sad face while trapped in a baby bjorn. It's true that shitty news isn't as shitty when delivered with a French Bulldog in a baby bjorn. Doctors say!

26-year-old Jack Osbourne tells People that just two weeks after his fiancee gave birth to their first kid, a girl named Pearl Clementine, the happiness he felt from breathing in baby diarrhea and wiping baby drool from his shoulder was dimmed by shitty news from his doctor. Jack went in to see the doctor, because he lost 60% of his vision in his right eye. After the doctors ran tests, they told him that he has MS and that's the reason why he lost vision in his eye. Jack tells People that the timing couldn't have sucked more:

"I was just angry and frustrated and kept thinking, 'Why now?' I've got a family and that's what's supposed to be the most important thing. Then I got really sad for about two days, and after that I realized: 'Being angry and upset is not going to do anything at this point—if anything it's only going to make it worse.' 'Adapt and overcome' is my new motto."

Sharon Osbourne told Hello! that after she found out, she asked herself if it was something she ate while pregnant and wondered if it was her fault. Ozzy Osbourne said, "If it was me, you'd think: 'Ozzy had a reputation and it caught up with him', but Jack is such a good guy."

Jack's doctors put him on meds and he will undergo several holistic therapy treatments. Jack's also been told to zen out as much as possible, because stress can flare that shit up. (I guess that means Jack isn't going to watch any old episodes of his family's reality show, because watching that shit is a stressful experience. Worrying about which one of their ten thousand dogs is going to shit on the carpet next is stressful!) Jack should also watch A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes: The Annette Funicello, because it will soothe him to see that despite everything, Annette still has gorgeous eyebrows that look like shooting stars made of hair.

Well, here's some sad news that'll give you a reason to sorrowfully pour your mouth on a bong and inhale until you start to fart out weed smoke. During an interview on CNN with Don Lemon (via HuffPo) last night, Tommy Chong said that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer about a month ago and it's currently in a "slow stage one."

Tommy did nine months in the Taft Correctional Institution 8 years ago for selling bongs and thinks being locked up in there ruined his health. Tommy says the prison sits on a toxic waste dump and eating the food gave him gout. Tommy went on to tell Don that his health got even worse during his three-year break form the bong. According to Tommy, the good shit didn't cause his cancer, but it's going to cure it.

"I've got prostate cancer, and I'm treating it with hemp oil, with cannabis. So [legalizing marijuana] means a lot more to me than just being able to smoke a joint without being arrested.

I know [the cancer] had nothing to do with cannabis. Cannabis is a cure."

I'm not fucking Dr. Quinn, so I don't know if weed alone is going to magically cure Tommy's cancer (probably not). But what I've learned from Tommy is to not take a three-year break from the bong and to get as many prostate checks as possible (wink wink). Oh, and I'm totally going to use hemp oil as butt lube from now on.

Seen here giving us Johnny Appleseed glamour realness last year, Robin Gibb slipped into a coma more than a week ago and his doctors basically said it was only a matter of time before Justin Timberlake would be giving the eulogy at Robin Gibb's memorial as Robin Gibb. But now everybody can exhale while hollerin' out the chorus from Emotion, because he woke up yesterday. Robin is completely awake and already talking. It's a 4/20 (a day late, because stoners are slow when it comes to all things including praying for Robin Gibb to wake up) miracle! I'll let you use the "Stayin' Alive" joke you've been working on for this very occasion.

Robin was diagnosed with liver and colon cancer late last year, but it's currently in remission. Robin fell into a coma while battling a case of pneumonia. Robin's doctors released this statement to People yesterday:

"Robin is fully conscious, lucid and able to speak to his loved ones. He is breathing on his own, with an oxygen mask. He is on intravenous feeding and antibiotics. He is of course, exhausted, extremely weak and malnourished."

Robin's doctors went on to say that his wife Dwina, his brother Barry and other family members have been singing to him and playing his favorite music while he was in a coma. Robin's doctors also added that the first thing he said after he woke up was, "Okay, all y'all bitches can shut the hell up now." Yeah, Robin has a southern accent now. It happens.

Woe is Ryan O'Neal AGAIN and this time it's not his fault. Ryan has had leukemia, been arrested with his son for meth possession, has a fucked up relationship with all of his children and now he's battling stage 4 prostate cancer. Stage 4 cancer sounds like some beyond serious shit, but Ryan tells People that he's undergoing treatment right now and he's not going to take a ride on Farrah Fawcett's angel hair wings anytime soon. According to Ryan, he's going to fully recover.

"Recently I was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. Although I was shocked and stunned by the news, I feel fortunate that it was detected early and according to my extraordinary team of doctors the prognosis is positive for a full recovery.

I am deeply grateful for the support of my friends and family during this time, and I urge everyone to get regular check-ups, as early detection is the best defense against this horrible disease that has afflicted so many."

Ryan also said that he has a book coming out May 1st.

Never mind that the phrases "early detection" and "stage 4 cancer" don't normally go together, this news come just days after Ryan shaded our earth God Oprah by blaming her for the failure of his reality show on her network. And now Ryan has cancer. Oprah, YOU WOULDN'T!?

Looking like my third favorite Wuzzle after Hoppopotamus and Butterbear, Mimi wobbled out of Gotham Hall in NYC last night after hollerin' out her butterfly yodel for the first time since she birthed out Baby Lohan (haven't you heard that Lohan is the new Monroe) and Baby Couscous. Mimi's quest to look as damn helpless as possible continued last night when she messed with her vision by putting on sunglasses with lenses the size of pancake nipples and wore a Divine dress that was so tight all the blood in her body pushed down to her ankles, making her almost immobile. That's just the way Mimi loves it, because she needed the help of two grown men to guide her down an extremely steep and dangerous 6-inch high curb.

Of course, Mimi is the delicate and fragile one even though her husband Nick Cannon is suffering from the sicks. Nick told People the other night that the "mild" kidney fail he suffered from earlier this year was the result of an autoimmune disease that doctors found in his system.

"They kind of say [my] autoimmune [disease] is – like a lupus type of thing, but no one else in my family has it. I feel blessed to be alive. If it wasn't discovered, I don't know [what would have happened]."

Thank the Butterfly Rainbow Unicorn Glitter Queef Sanrio Surprise Gods that doctors discovered Nick's disease and are treating it so he doesn't end up laid up in the hospital again. Not because I care about Nick's health or anything, but because I care about Mimi's delicate nature. If Nick wasn't well enough to help her down the damn curb, she'd still be standing on the sidewalk aimlessly waiting for a save-a-ho hand to guide her to safety. Thinking she's Blanche DuBois and shit.

Dame Judi Dench tells The Mirror that she's been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a condition that can cause blindness, and is trying to keep her sight. Before she was diagnosed, Judi's eyesight was already starting to go and she needed help reading scripts. It's gotten much worse. Judi's daughter has to read her scripts and she can barely see faces right in front of her. This might be okay if most of the faces in front of her belonged to a Kardashian, but that's not the case for Judi and so day-to-day life has gotten a little harder. Dame Judi explained it like this to The Mirror during an interview:

“I’ve got what my ma had, macular degeneration, which you get when you get old. I had wet in one eye and dry in the other and they had to do these injections and I think it’s arrested it. I hope so.

I can’t see your face at all now, but I can see your outline. I can see over there [she indicates the far side of the room, some 15ft away]. The most distressing thing is in a restaurant in the evening I can’t see the person I’m having dinner with. Actually, what I miss are people corpsing on stage.

I know there might be something going on but sometimes I can’t see it and that infuriates me as I think I’m really missing out on something.”

You get used to it. I’ve got lenses and glasses and things and very bright light helps. I can do a crossword if it’s bright sunshine but if a cloud comes out the next minute I can’t see anything.”

Judi misses reading books, but she's going to buy a digital book reader to make the words bigger. Judi also waves away any talk of her retiring and she plans to keep acting for as long as possible.

NOT DAME JUDI! You know, but with or without her eyesight, Dame Judi can still out act most of the young hos out there. Can't somebody donate their eyeballs to Dame Judi? That sentence was mostly directed at White Oprah, because it's not like she ever uses hers to look in the mirror or to see how much she's fucked up her daughters. WELL, it's Dame Judi we're talking about. She's an international treasure.

UPDATE: I had to pull the pic down, but click here to see it and more.

In the battle to see which childhood star can look the meth-iest, Lindsay Lohan is still winning by a thousand meth faces, but Macauley Culkin is a close second. Entertainment Tonight got a hold of a few pictures of 31-year-old Kevin McCallister in NYC yesterday looking like Steve Buscemi trying to shape shift into a crackhead Gary Busey. Macauley's rep must be White Oprah, because they tell ET that he's in perfectly good health and there's no reason to start a prayer circle for him. What part of this picture says "perfectly good health" to you? I'm blaming all of this on that can of Red Bull and that Spencer Pratt-ish flesh pube beard. Somebody please get Macauley a razor and a can of Ensure.

via Yahoo (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)