Most nights I sit in my living praying that a giant wiener crashes through my window and taps me on the ass, but note to the heavens above, this is not what I mean. Yesterday afternoon in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, a chick rammed her giant plastic wiener into someone's front door. Sounds like a regular night at SamRo's house....
The police told The Associated Press that the driver was trying to turn a Wienermobile around in the driveway, but hit the house when she thought she was going in reverse instead of forward. Nobody was home at the time and the driver was not injured. A spokeswhore for Oscar Mayer said insurance will cover that mess.
The Wienermobile was stuck in the house's vagina most of Friday. That's what it gets for not using lube. You learn the hard way.
And it looks like the wiener didn't use a condom, so expect that house to pop out a baby sausage in about nine months.
Guess what, everyone?! Hailey Glassman is only licking on Jon Gosselin's under titty butter, because she wants to be *famous*. Yup, that's what it feels like when I gently tap your nipple with the OBVIOUS stick.
A source close to meth brows told UsWeekly that she has tried to get on The Real World and The Bad Girls Club, but they obviously didn't take her ass. Since she couldn't get on a reality show by auditioning, she figured she'd fuck her way to one. The source went on to yap, "I think after realizing she had a connection to Jon through her father and that Jon and Kate's marriage was rocky, she saw an opportunity to get famous."
You know, part of me was thinking that Hailey was a down low member of Peta who was only using Jon to get close to Kate's rabid possum hair, so she can save it and release it back into the wild.
Here's Jon and Hailey at the airport in Nice, France today wearing garments made by the claws of Satan's minions using the asshole skin of fallen douchebags.
There's too much going on here for me to focus on one thing. Let me slap myself a little and try to organize my thoughts into a list. This needs a list:
1. Hailey Glassman's "meth lab explosion" eyebrows.
2. Hailey's "Clarissa Explains It All" peace sign shorts.
3. Jon Gosselin's second-trimester bloat.
4. Jon's cell phone strapped to his plaid shorts.
5. Hailey is 22 even though she looks like a middle-aged parolee (for prostitution whoring, of course) who is in charge of washing the dishes at the halfway house where she lives.
7. BODYGUARDS. Seriously, why in the fuck do these two twats need bodyguards in France?! Nobody knows what the hell they are, let alone who they are. Oh, wait. Maybe Jon got word from the Coast Guard that Kate's rabid possum hair has just washed up on the shores of France and is galloping towards them at full speed. Okay, then. Carry on.
Basically, the memaw's "What. The. Fuck." expression in the third thumbnail below says it all.
A while ago, I stopped referring to Katie Price as her alter whore ego "Jordan," because she wanted to change her image and start being a family woman or some shit. This hurt me, because Jordan was always my favorite elegant rose of England. How could she turn her back on all the people who loved her for who she really is: a dirty, dirty ho fo sho. It didn't make sense to me and it made my no-no frown, but thankfully, Jodie Marsh was there to pick up the pieces by entertaining me with her extreme acts of sluttiness. Jodie quickly replaced Jordan as England's Finest Rose and now Katie Price wants her title back.
Now that she's a free woman, Katie has been making up for whore times by parading her pussay all over Ibiza. On Saturday night, Katie hit the town wearing one of Jodie's old ones. I think Katie was trying to shock everyone, but Jodie wears gold lame (luh-maaay) camel toe whore-veralls to church! Try again, Katie.
However, Katie does get a few points for telling a few girls in the club that they are ugly. The Sun says that while Katie was partying with her big gay boyfriend (the power bottom in the loin cloth), she pulled a few girls aside to give them her thoughts on their looks. Here's just a few comments Katie made to various hos in the club:
"I really like your face and you're really pretty, but you seriously need to lose some weight from your thighs."
"You're ugly - I don't know what you're doing out here."
"She told me I had a fantastic body with amazing legs but I needed to sort my face out."
I must admit that Katie's cunty words of delusion have touched me a little, but I'm not back in her whore graces just yet. And why didn't any of these girls tell Katie that they may have fugly faces, but at least their titty implant isn't try to make a run for it! Seriously, what is that sliding down Katie's leg in the first thumbnail below? That stupid implant made a wrong turn! It turned right at her belly button instead of going straight and busting out of her vagina. CAUGHT!
Anybody in the mood for a soggy Snausage? Or how about a mangled egg roll? I've got both of those things here for you! This past week, nekkid pictures of Kate Gosselin's hair twin (aka Shawn from Vh1's Tool Academy) and 6 Gauge from Daisy of Love hit the internets. Don't get all excited. It's not going to make your no-no slobber. Bring your dipping sauce and get yourself a mini-weiner after the jump. And it's totally NSFW. Well, unless you work at Hickory Farms. JUMP!!!!
Devout Christian and missionary for famewhores, Horsey Montag, will bare her douche-filled titty balls and silicone oven mitt chocha in Playboy. Horsey's spread will be in the September issue (aka The Whores 4 God issue). A source (*cough*Heidi's vagina*cough*) told People, "There is nudity. It's tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it."
Let me guess, God looked down upon her, opened his arms and said, "Bare those titties for your faith! As your savior, I command you!" Because in case you forgot, Heidi is the lord's servant. That's why she was put on this earth.
But seriously, Spencer Twatt should be the one in Playboy. His snatch is bigger than hers.
Image: Pacific Coast News
I know you barely slept one wink last night, because you had the worries in a bad way after hearing that Daisy de la Whora might have overdosed. You can breathe easy (you better turn your head and breath, because you might catch something from this pic) now, because the skanky Muppet didn't overdose! Daisy was just tired. Yes, tired. Tired of what exactly? Tired of being a low-down dirty slutwhoreskanktrickho? Taking your mouth from a dirty dick to a dirty bong to a dirty booze bottle all day isn't tiring. I should know.
Daisy's rep/dealer/pimp cleared up (wish I could say the same about those warts on her coozie) the rumors to E!, "Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion. here was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."
Can you believe she played the "exhaustion" card? She doesn't have the right. Chyna's mutant peen-clit is more famous than Daisy!
Bitch is delirious because the collagen in her lips seeped into her brains.
I realize David Walliams is a mega manskank who sniffs at any coochie that wiggles, but Mischa Barton?! Mischa Barton?! Bitch looks like she would give a rat a handjob if it was carrying some of the bad shit. What's even more embarrassing is that David apparently got SHUT DOWN by Mischa. The Mirror says that at a party in London the other night, David was wagging his tail at Mischa, but she was not falling for the bait. A source-type said, "David was surrounded by women and chatted up six of them. Mischa was one of his earliest targets but he didn't get very far. She kept staring at her phone, almost willing it to ring so she could escape. In the end she had to tell him she had a boyfriend. David took it in good spirits and escorted her from the party."
Getting turned down by Mischa "I fuck for roles" Barton has to be the most embarrassing thing to have ever happened to David Walliams. This is a sign! A sign that he needs to stick his wang in a bowl of ice and then put it in the corner indefinitely. It is not doing him right!
Daisy de la Whora, star of Vh1's Rock of Love 2 and Daisy of Love, reportedly went a little overboard with an unknown substance. TMZ says that paramedics were called to a house in the Hollywood Hills last night for a "possible overdose."
When they arrived to help that trick out, Ducky Face apparently started acting the fool by screaming and thrashing around. Several medics had to band together to get her crazy and possibly drugged-out ass into an ambulance. Daisy isn't going to be back in party mode by this weekend, because her agent postponed all her scheduled appearances.
I think Daisy also might have overdosed a couple of days ago when she said this about Ambre winning Rock of Love 2 over her, "I don't think I can compare Ambre to Angelina Jolie, so no. I would be the Angelina Jolie, and she would be Jennifer Aniston!" Yes, the bad shit was definitely involved in the making of that comment.
Daisy is a piping hot plastic wreck. Do we need to send Heather to beat some sense into Daisy? Because Heather will put on her fightin' headscarf and do it all over again. Classic clip below:
If you're a married semi-celebwhore and you want to get some coochie on the side without your wifey finding out about it, do a background check on your possible whore first. Make sure she doesn't have any skeezy ass friends or relatives that will sell her ass out in a quick minute for a dollar. Because stupid ass Jon Gosselin might not be in this situation if he did that first. He picked a real winner in Deanna Hummel.
Not only did her brother yap about her business to UsWeekly, but now her ex-husband is trying to get a piece. Deanna's ex created a website using her name for the sole purpose of selling some fuck tape he made with her back in the day. Here's what he has to say:
Hello world! This is a site owned by one of Deanna Hummel's ex-boyfriends.
When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn't surprised.
The Deanna I knew wasn't above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn't a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn't...yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.
If anyone is interested in making me an offer, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Hello World, does he think anybody will offer him more than an expired KFC Grilled Chicken coupon for this shit? The dick bag also has screen shots on the website and I am not impressed. They weren't even trying to make a tape worth watching! That skank still has half of her teacher's outfit on! That is my pet peeve right there. If you're doing sexy times in a bed, take off all your damn clothes. Even the socks. I can understand if you're busting a quickie in a church bathroom or under a highway overpass, but not if you're in a bed! Put some effort into it. Sex tape FAIL.
UPDATE: So, this shit is probably fake. (NSFW) Click here to see the video the screencaps were taken from. I'm not sure if that's Deanna or not, but I doubt it now. The cum shot at the end is truly amateur hour. (Thanks Peter)