SKANKS

Remember when Shayna Lameass called The Empress of Lucite "pure trash"? Just pretend you do and nod your head yes. Well, look who is the piece of trash now! Garbage day is now on Sunday, because this bitch Shayna Lamas got arrested for DUI.

TMZ, Radar, Penny Saver or Craigslist Missed Connections didn't break the story. No, they didn't want to spend their Saturday night Googling to find out who the hell Shayne Lamas is. Instead Shayne told E! (the network her reality show airs on) about the incident and issued her own prepared statement:

"Early Saturday morning, after consuming one drink, I willingly drove through a mandatory check point on my way home with complete confidence of passing. However, the breathalyzer indicated that I was over the legal limit of blood alcohol content and was arrested onsite. I take full responsibility for my lack of judgment. I have always strived to be a role model for my friends, family and fans and have never nor will ever condone drinking and driving. I apologize for all those I have disappointed, including myself."

I just went in to the next room to ask my ceiling fan if he knew who this trick was and the bitch gave me the silent treatment. So I will take that as a big NO. Obviously, Shayne is still drunk off of that one famewhore-tini, because she's talking foolishness with that "role model for my fans" shit.

Word around the Internet is that David Boreanaz has been passing his fuck bone around to ladies who aren't his wife. Star Magazine is saying that David pulled a Billy Crudup by humping on the down low while his wifey was carrying their baby friend. Angel is no angel.

Apparently, David has been carrying on with the trick in the picture above whose name is Rachel Uchitel. Rachel is a NYC events planner and she met David last spring at his 40th birthday party. Their genitals immediately started dripping for each other, and they started to have an affair. For the next few months, they would bump it in either NYC or L.A. Some source said, “David would walk in the door, and they’d have sex right away. Every time I have sex with you is like the first time.”

After a while, Rachel begged David to throw his wife and two kids into the gutter so that they could be together. David promised Rachel that he would leave his wife, but we all know how that works. Rachel finally dumped David after he called her from the delivery room while his was wife was popping out their new baby. The source added, “He was on the phone with Rachel, giving updates. That grossed her out, because she felt that should have been private.”

So, let me wrap my head around this for a quick second. Rachel's skin is crawling over David giving her the details of his wife's birth, but licking his wife's dried up pregnant vagina juice off his peen doesn't gross her out? Makes sense.

However, that picture above should really gross her out. I mean, why must us slut whore skanks always pucker up like that in pictures? I always have to check myself whenever I start to pucker up like I'm a child beauty pageant contestant. It's never a good look.

On The View this morning, the hens were yapping about a major problem currently plaguing New Jersey's Millburn High School, one of the top schools in the nation. Parents and administrators are trying to figure out what to do about a decade-long tradition called "The Slut List." Every year, a group of popular senior girls create a list of the biggest sluts of the incoming freshmen class along with creative descriptions next to their names. Here's some examples:

"I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you drugs for free if you get with me."

"Keeping up with the family tradition, fuck me ... and knock me up."

Wait, how did they get a copy of my high school yearbook?

In addition to the slut list, girls also slap stickers on the backs of freshmen with beautiful
complimentary words like "SLUT" and "WHORE" written on them. Hey, that's exactly what I wear to the bars on a Friday night. Idea STEALERS!

An e-mail has already gone out warning students that if found, the slut-makers responsible for the list will be punished.

And some of the students have laughed this shit off, saying it's just a joke. One student said, "It wasn't anything bad ... . What people don't see is it's getting so much better, and it's turned from a bad thing into a fun thing."

Now, that is the slut spirit right there! Fuck making the honor roll! It's all about making the slut list. Why shoot for valedictorian when you can be valedickwhorian?

At my high school, we didn't have an official "slut list." Instead, bitches simply wrote down the names of the sluts (along with their phone numbers) on the urinal wall of the boy's bathroom. Every single day, I would go in there, hoping to see my name....but I never did. Every day, my dreams were crushed and trampled upon.

That's why when I grew up, I created my own slut list. It's called Dlisted.com.

VIA ABC News

Earlier this year, 37-year-old model Liskula Cohen filed a lawsuit against Google to force them to reveal the identity of the blogger who started a blog devoted to trashing her good name. A judge in Manhattan ruled in favor of Liskula and Google had to hand over the e-mail address of the ho who created "Skanks In NYC." After a little Googling (irony: here it is), Liskula found out that she kind of knew the woman who was calling her a SKANK at the top of the internet mountain. The woman was her mother. No, but that would've been hot.

Liskula told The NY Post that she's seen the bitch at parties, but never considered her a friend. When Liskula called her up on the phone, her arch rival wouldn't say shit. Liskula told the bitch she forgives her even though she has no idea why she hates her so much. The woman only said that they shouldn't be talking and they should leave it to the lawyers. She never apologized. Liskula is now planning to sue the anonymous skank caller for defamation.

That should be an entertaining trial. They should get the oldest judge in the city to cover this wreck, just so we can all gets the LOLs when he says the word "SKANK" a zillion times.

You know, instead of suing the bitch, Liskula should send her a damn fruit basket. If you Google the word "SKANK," Liskula's name comes up on the first page. I've been working my ass off (literally) for years to achieve an honor like that! Liskula gets it handed to her and she's whining about it. She's not a skank, she's a dumb bitch!

Kate Hudson has been a regular fixture at Yankee games for a little while now. Below are pictures of Kate with the other baseball players' girlfriends and also at a different game with Goldie and Kurt. It seems like shit is getting real between Kate and A-Roidy. It's getting so real that Kate is ready to have a roid baby with him.

A source tells InTouch Magazine, “She just turned 30 and she’s ready to have her second child. She wants Ryder to have a sibling, so she brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility." The source added that A-Roidy told her he's just not ready for another kid, but Kate is still pressing the issue.

Okay, Kate actually thinks they will make a "beautiful baby" together? Bitch really is dickmatized. With her dwarf-like features and his roidy sperm, their baby will look like this:

If that doesn't make Kate eat birth control pills by the hundreds, I don't know what will.

Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!

At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.

Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.

Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."

You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!

Do you hear that? It's music coming from a teeny tiny violin inside Parasite Hilton's crab den. Yes, she has her own mini-orchestra down there. Wonky's crotch crustaceans are a talented bunch. Yes, they are. ANYWAY, the violin music is playing, because she's queefing that whole "I'm not dumb and I'm not a slut" song again.

When talking about the "character" she created, Parasite said: "In a way it's good, but I also don't want people thinking of me as this blond heiress…airhead. But that is kind of my brand. I make a lot of money by doing that. I always looked up to Princess Diana and all these women, and now I could never be like that. I want to have a family. I want to be normal. I want to be happy. I have to worry about people thinking I'm a slut and thinking I'm something that I'm not."

Every story I've heard from hos in the trenches about Paris are the same. They all say, "She really is dumb" and "She really is a slut." In fact, in some countries, "dumb slut" translates into Paris Hilton. And as a proud dumb slut myself, there's nothing wrong with it! She needs to stop moaning about how she's like Princess Diana and embrace her dumb slutiness. Or stop being such a dumb slut and prove otherwise!

Source: E! Online

This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:

"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."

When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!

Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.

Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.

Jon Gosselin's 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman talked to People Magazine about her relationship with Kate's former punching ballsack. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that Hailey didn't choose to break her silence on an episode of Jerry Springer. It would've been more fitting. And Kate's possum hair could have made a surprise appearance and mauled off Hailey's lopsided meth brows. Sigh.

Anypeopleprobablypaidherinrocks, Hailey said she started getting feelings for Jon after he split up with Kate in May and spent some time at her parents' house in NYC, "If you had told me a few months ago, I wouldn't have believed you." Obviously, Hailey's parents are fine with Jon rubbing his fopa all over their daughter's body, "They think of him as part of the family. They think things happen for a reason. The most important thing is if someone fits in with my family ... This is perfect. It just fits."

When asked about what kind of things they do together, Hailey left out "eating pot brownies out of each other's sex holes" but did say they like to "watch movies, play pool and ping pong. We laugh a lot because I beat him at everything. He's a great cook. He cooks roasted veggies with special seasoning and sauces, and he grills pineapple with a butter concoction."

BUTTER CONCOCTION?! Does Hailey realize People is a family publication?! We don't need to know that she likes it when Jon spreads his dick butter concoction all over her grilled pineapple. Even Sandra Lee is frowning at that.

Lastly, Hailey actually WENT THERE with Kate. People asked Hailey about what Jon likes about her and she said, "I'm a huge believer in not controlling someone. I'll give my opinion but tell him to do what he wants to do. He said, 'I'm just not used to having an option.' I told him life is about options."

THIS BITCH! I want to like Hailey, because she's a mega stoner who would totally suck a dick for a $1 cashiers check, but she didn't need to bring Kate into this. Too soon. Set your timer for six months and try again.

Hailey shouldn't be surprised when she walks down the street and every possum in the neighborhood is hissing and clawing at her ass.