SKANKS

Alicia Douvall, the drunk piece of beautiful trash from the UK, isn't shy when it comes to talking about all her plastic surgeries. Last year, Alicia got her 14th titty job, and she recently went under the knife again. This time Alicia left her tortured chichis alone and attacked her feet instead. Alicia spent almost $8,000 getting her toes shortened. Alicia said that they cut some of the bone from the second toe on each foot to make it shorter than the big toe. My feet just passed out.

Alicia explained to Now Magazine, "I know people will think I'm mad, but my feet were so horrible. I hated the fact that my second toes were so much longer than my big toes: they were crooked and overlapped. I was always very self-conscious about the way my feet looked. Whenever I wore sandals, my toes spilled out of the front and looked so ugly. It even put me off dating. I was miserable."

I guess this makes sense, because Alicia doesn't really use her feet that often anyway since she spends 99% of the day on her back. However, Alicia really didn't need to suffer through the pain of surgery. All she had to do was liquor up Katie Price, whisper a few sweet nothings into her ear (example: You're as orange as a pumpkin's bowel movement) and drag her home. After Alicia scared all of Katie's crotch creatures away with a can of RAID, she could've just slipped her toe into Katie's box (NSFW) Dane Bowers-style. If Alicia's toe didn't commit suicide, Katie's toxic snatch juices would've eaten it away in a few quick minutes.

It turns out the rumors are true. Jude Law snatched up three of his four kids and went off to Barbados to spend some time with his partner in homewreckery Sienna Miller. Jude and Sienna are spending their days frolicking on the beach with the kids, and spending their nights sucking the sand crabs out of each other's fuck parts. SCRAGS BITCHES!

Sienna has always been a personal slut hero of mine, so it is a little disappointing seeing her go back for fourths and fifths of Jude Law's peen. But I do understand. Bitch is just getting hers. However, I do hope she's protecting her ovaries from Jude's potent sperm. One of those needy baby things would slow down her slut game. That would be tragic.

Speaking of protection, does Rogaine make sunscreen? Jude should look into that if he hasn't already.

Since Carl's Jr. is all about mixing their food with skanks (see Wonky and Ceiling Eyes), their latest commercial features Kim Kardassian tossing a salad and sucking on an apple like it's a big black dick. Seriously, bitch is acting like the apple slice is about to piss on her eyebrows. This is just like her sex tape, but starring a salad instead of a Ray-J.

And who in the Khloe Kardashian hairy back hell eats a salad in the bath tub? Alexis Carrington taught me that only the following items are acceptable for consumption in the bath tub: champagne, strawberries, caviar....AND MEN!!!! Kim's tramp ass needs to check her fax machine, because I just sent her the memo so she doesn't fuck up again.

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don't like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law's penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut's vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn't keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: "Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again."

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn't know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna's bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she's got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.

There's just something about SamRo (SPOILER ALERT: It's the serious muff-diving face) that makes all skankwhoresluts purr like Ne-Yo in a men's locker room. And Aubrey Ho'Day (And Night) is no exception! Page Six says that at a Nascar party at Lavo in Las Vegas the other night, Aubrey tried to seduce SamRo with the Dance of the Seven STDs.

A witness (*cough*Ginger*cough*) barked this to say Page Six, "She was doing everything to get Samantha's attention, including grinding her derriere on the glass partition that blocked off the booth. Samantha totally ignored her."

Every time Aubrey O'Day gets shut down, a fellow skankwhoreslut accidentally drops her last morning-after pill into a sewer grate while doing the walk of shame. TRAGIC!

Obviously, SamRo prefers her ladies refined, demure and pristine. You know, just like HoHan!

The vaginas just keep falling out of Tiger Woods' chonies. So far, the count is at 9. I failed algebra twice, so if it gets into the double digits, I'm out of this game.

We already know about Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers and Kalika Moquin. Over the weekend, five more hos claimed they too were part of Tiger Wood's graduating class of whores. Let's meet them, shall we?

Mistress #5: Some 25-year-old cocktail waitress from Orlando, FL. Mistress #5 says that she got it on with Tiger from 2004 to 2006. They met while she was serving cocktails at Roxy Nightclub in Orlando. Mistress #5 hasn't sold her story yet, but she does have a lawyer. She also told TMZ that Tiger told her his marriage to Elin was faker than Beyonce's hairline.

Mistress #6: Holly Sampson, a porn star who was in an episode of The Wonder Years once. Holly is an old-school whore, because she refuses to suck and tell. However, The Sun claims that Holly and Tiger went international with their affair by fucking all over the world.

Mistress #7: Cori Rist, a 31-year-old Hooters waitress. Cori's friends told her tale to the NYDN. They say Cori met Tiger at Butter and their affair lasted six months. Just like the other whores, Tiger regularly put Cori up in the same hotel as him.

This is my favorite quote from the NYDN article: "He would get the presidential suite. It was the ultimate in luxury." That Tiger really knows how to pamper his pussy!

Mistress #8: Some British presenter.

Mistress #9: 34-year-old Mindy Lawton, a former waitress at Perkins! Mindy is definitely my favorite mistress whore from Tiger's harem! FINALLY, Tiger is showing that he has good taste in hos. I mean, just look at her picture to see what I'm talking about:

The weather outside is frightful, but Mindy is so fucking delightful! Not only did Mindy meet Tiger while she was a waitress at Perkins (THE ELEGANCE!), but she also used to fuck on him in the parking lot. That is how it's done! Tell all the other skanks to retire to the Bunny Ranch, because we have finally found a glamorous successor to Jessica Hahn!

Somebody get Mindy a record contract and a spread in Penthouse. She's going to be a star!

When it rains whores, it pours whores. Rachel Uchitel can kindly step out of the spotlight now, because there's a new trick on the scene. A 24-year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress (aren't they all?) has run off to UsWeekly to queef to them about her 31-month long affair with Tiger Woods.

Before you laugh at her, you should know that she was a part of Vh1's Tool Academy (her boyfriend was the one who looked like Blake Lewis on growth hormones). She is educated! Educated people do not tell lies!

The aptly named Jaimee Grubbs swears that she has over 300 sexy texts, voicemails and pictures from Tiger which proves that they did it on the down low. Jaimee says they started boning in April 2007 and they did it exactly 20 times. See, Jaimee really is educated, because she can count.

If this is true, then Tiger gets an F minus in cheating. You never leave a paper trail! You just get in, get off and go to confession to say sorry to Jesus. There's no texting in cheating!

And somewhere in Florida, Elin Nordegren is polishing her favorite club to get it ready for round two. Tiger better sleep in full body armor tonight.

Jude Law and Sienna Miller are both doing acting shit on Broadway at the same time, so we were all waiting for the moment they would be seen rubbing all over each other in public. Well, the time has come (no pun intended). Star Magazine says that Jude and Sienna spent their Thanksgiving sucking pizza sauce out of each other's mouths at Emporio restaurant in NYC.

Some source said, "They were offered a private table in the back, but Jude and Sienna turned it down. They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other. They came in holding hands and kept touching each other and kissing throughout the entire meal. They only had eyes for each other!"

This is probably just a case of Sienna's vag catching up with an old friend: Jude Law's dick. Their parts bumped into each other, shared a few laughs, had a few lube-tinis, barfed on one another and then went their separate ways again. Sienna was just taking a trip down memory peen. Because at the moment, I think her bull dozer vagina still belongs to Balthazar.

You might be wondering why Gerard Butler has a single bloody tear stuck in his eye. That's because his tortured eyeball was forced to stare at Kimbo Stewart's constipated bird face for hours at The Groucho Club in London last night. The Daily Mail says that Gerry had Thanksgiving dinner with Kimbo and Natalie Imbruglia (aka the "Torn" chick). They all left separately, but I'm sure they met up in a back alley somewhere and bumped titties under the moonlight.

It's not Gerry's period eye that I'm concerned about, it's his other eye. The eye on his dick. Gerry needs to get that shit checked out with an optometrist, if he actually got down with Kimbo. I mean, Kimbo?!

And since we're on the subject of Kimbo and it is the day after Thanksgiving, let's stare at her ex-boyfriend's (nsfl) turkey neck nuts again!

Remember Rachel Uchitel? She's the one that Star Magazine said was doing illegal fucky times with the very-married David Boreanaz? Well, it looks like Rachel's bull dozer vagina is now wreaking havoc on Tiger Wood's picture perfect home.

According to the National Enquirer (insert obligatory side-eye here), Tiger has been stepping out on his wife of six years and his two children. Sources say that Tiger is knocked balls into Rachel Uchitel's hole.

Rachel's friends say that she's met up with him in Australia, Los Angeles and Las Vegas. When they aren't screwing on the down low, they are humping each other through text messages. One friend added, “Rachel told me, ‘I’m having an affair with Tiger Woods. We’re in love!’ She even read me text messages Tiger sent her that said ‘I love you, babe. It’s always going to be just you and me. They were constantly sexting. Tiger asked what she was wearing, what did she want him to do to her, what did she want to do to him. I reminded Rachel that he was married, and she said ‘Big fucking deal! It’s Tiger Woods! I don’t care about his wife! We’re in love.’ Her nickname for Tiger is Bear.”

The Enquirer followed Rachel to a hotel in Australia where Tiger was staying. Apparently, they watched her take the elevator up to Tiger's VIP suite in the sky. When they asked Rachel about it, she lied at first, but then she said she was there "on business." Yeah, ho business.

Tiger's lawyer denied the affair, but did say that the two have met before at a club or something.

This Rachel trick is no joke! Does homegirl have Star Maps tattooed on her labia lips? Bitch is turning star fucking into a full-time job and she's determined to be Employee of the Year. Seriously, it looks like Sienna Miller has just been replaced as every wife's pubic (typo and it fits) enemy #1!

via Celebitchy