SKANKS

Vanilla Gorilla is getting one trick closer to beating Tiger Woods' record, because a fourth side ho has come forward claiming that she too fucked Jesse James on the down low for 3 years. Mistress whore number four (I made a rhyme!) comes complete with protection. Radar says that the fourth mistress has already hired famed mistress protector Gloria Allred to represent her. Gloria says that her client isn't sure if she's want to go public or not.

Let me break it down for you. What Gloria really means is that the ho in question is waiting for Vanilla Gorilla to ejaculate a wad of cash all over her lips in exchange for her silence. Gloria is a lady, so she doesn't talk dirty.

Gloria also said,"I represent a beautiful model and businesswoman. She had a three year intimate relationship with Jesse James."

WAIT! Did she just say "businesswoman"?! Um. Did this "beautiful model" register as an official businesswoman with the Busineswoman Czar Lisa Wu Hartwell:

While Lisa Wu checks on that, read the rest of Gloria's statement: “He pursued her and had strong feeling for her. She is in the process of trying to decide if she will come forward. She has proof of their relationship including hundreds of text messages, emails and photos. The relationship JUST RECENTLY ENDED after the scandal broke."

Once more mistresses come forward, someone should organize a Ho-lympics. Vanilla Gorilla's mistresses vs. Tiger Woods' mistresses! There can be events like the sext-athlon (who can make a dude bust a nut from a text message the fastest) and the 300-meter race (who can put all her clothes back on and run through the sprinklers in heels before his wife gets home). This must happen!

There's almost as many stories going around about Jesse James' adventures in skankery as there are STDs fermenting in his peen hole. Almost. So I've compiled most of the juicy ass warts in one post for your enjoyment. It's less painful if you drink it in one shot. And here we go....

1: A third trick is claiming that she's a card carrying member of Vanilla Gorilla's Gang of Gutter Tramps. Unlike the other two, this one doesn't thrust her crotch for a dollar. Brigitte Daguerre is a photographer from Los Angeles who tells TMZ that she licked on Vanilla Gorilla's banana four times in one year. They exchanged hundreds of sext messages, and he even told her that he wanted to be her monkey. Why does Jesse's taint get moist for monkeys?! Why would I not be surprised if Koko is named as Jesse's fourth mistress.

2: Vanilla Gorilla's ex-wife, porn star Janine, is currently living in a halfway house and she managed to get her roommate off the hallway pay phone so she could call the media. Janine is currently fighting Vanilla Gorilla for custody of their 6-year-old daughter Sunny. Sunny has been living with VG and Sandra until Janine gets her shit together. Janine says that she hopes Sandra will continue to have a relationship with her daughter, "Sunny loves Sandy and vice versa. She's welcome to be a part of every aspect of Sunny's life."

3: Daniel Nardicio from Playgirl tells Life & Style that they will gladly pay Vanilla Gorilla $500,000 if whips out his platano for their cameras. We're already watching VG fuck himself for free on a daily basis, so this is a pretty good offer.

4: Vanilla Gorilla settled a sexual harassment lawsuit in 2007 with a woman who was a high-level executive in his company. The woman kept a ton of dirty e-mails from VG. In one e-mail, the woman told VG that her stomach was upset and she needed some TUMS. He wrote back, "I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better." Maybe he had a bottle of banana-flavored Milk of Magnesia in his desk drawer. Because man milk does not calm an angry stomach. It makes your breath smell like curdled goat milk, but it does not cure an upset stomach. VG and the woman settled for $725,000.

5: AND another one of VG's former employees at West Coast Choppers claims he sexually harassed her in 2000. The woman tells Radar, “Jesse James forced me to have sex with him. He forced me to have sex, kidnapped me, locked me up and threatened me. He ruined my life.” She sued him in 2001 and they also settled out of court.

There you go. I'm sure as I hit the publish button, a dozen more monkey wranglers are in line waiting to be swabbed, photographed, fingerprinted and interviewed. Gird your loins, because more are coming. The only bitch that is smiling over this is Tiger Woods.

The gates have opened and here comes the parade of skank sluts! After going through Tiger Woods' slutnami, you should already be prepared. You know what to do. Ring the alarm, slip a condom on each finger, wrap your head in saran wrap and hold tight!

A stripper named Melissa Smith, who has a face only TSG's Craigslist hooker mug shot page could love, has come forward to collect her cashiers check in exchange for the details of her alleged affair with Sandra Bullock's husband Vanilla Gorilla. Just like Boobshit McGee, Melissa met Vanilla Gorilla online.

Melissa tells Star Magazine that Vanilla Gorilla contacted her through MySpace in 2006 (bitch was already married to Sandra for one year at this point) after he saw (and jerked to) a picture of her being skanky at a West Coast Choppers party.

Melissa went on to say, "I got a message from this guy saying,'Nice car...that’s my godfather’s.' After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave me his e-mail address with the name Vanilla Gorilla."

One e-fuck led to another e-fuck, and Melissa eventually traveled to California to meet Vanilla Gorilla at his office. Vanilla Gorilla promised to take her for a ride in one of his cars, but he took her for a ride on his stick shift instead. And they did the dirty on his office couch! I swear that office couch is wanted by the CDC, The Department of Health and Hazmat. If you're planning on sitting on that couch, you better bid farewell to your asshole first. Because once you sit on it, your asshole will wither up and die like a slug in a salt storm.

Melissa says that she fucked on Vanilla Gorilla for the next two years. They never used protection.

Thanks for sharing, Melissa. Now exit stage left. Gloria Allred will meet you backstage to check to see how much dignity (if any) you have left in your system. Gloria will also test you on the art of crying on cue. In the wise words of RuPaul: "Don't fuck it up!" Or DO fuck it up, so we can be done with you early.

If Jesse James stuck his unprotected dick in a pile of crack whore shit while getting done in the ass by a grenade held by a gorilla with carpal-tunnel, it would've been a better decision than fucking on this gutter skank pig. Not only is Bombshell McGee going to be known as Jesse James' biggest mistake, but her nickname is going to replace the word trash. And let's all take out the Bombshell to the nearest dumpster. Jesse, pack your shit, because you're coming to.

TMZ got their hands on these charming pictures of Bombshell McGee posing as some kind of morning-shift Nazi prostitute. Mel Gibson just downloaded the entire set to his cell phone.

If this picture doesn't make you want to exchange your tainted eyeballs for a pair of fresh new ones, the rest of this piece of trash's story will. Radar obtained court documents from Bombshell's divorce and custody battle with her ex-husband Ronald Shane Modica. Yes, Bombshell is a mother to two children. Suddenly OctoMom's horns have magically turned into a gold halo.

Ronald alleges in the documents that Bombshit is a white supremacist who has a magnet on her refrigerator that spells out "white power." And I don't think she's referring to the international treasure that is Betty White.

The documents also state that Bombskank regularly makes the Nazi salute and has a swastika tattooed on her stomach. One of her sons, Elijah, is Jewish and she thinks it's a barrel of fucking laughs when she makes the Nazi salute. Bombwhore also strips under the name "Avery," which is her other son's name. Ronald adds in his declaration, “I believe that Michelle is mentally ill and should be in the care of a therapist which the court ordered her to see, but she refuses to do so. She is supposed to take medication for bi polar disorder but she doesn’t.”

Suddenly, we now know why Cinnabun keeps quitting Jesse James. Could you look at someone who humped on this landfill?

Vanilla Gorilla's side piece Boobshit McGee has brought evidence to the table in the form of several text messages from Jesse. Yes, she brought us text messages. She obviously didn't complete the course in mistress whoring at the Learning Annex, because text messages don't cut it anymore. Everyone knows that you can easily buy a prepaid cell phone, program that number into your real cell phone under the name "Mah Boo Anderson Cooper," and then send yourself a series of text messages like "I giggle for Michael" and "Only your no-no can polish my silver." It's so easy even my dumb ass can do it.

Now I'm pretty sure that Vanilla Gorilla did have sexual relations with that woman, but she still gets an F minus for this shit! This only proves that she text messages like a 12-year-old girl.

And in case you've been wondering what Marilyn Manson would look like if he got botched gender-reassignment surgery, here's some pictures of Bombshell. Keep the powder close, because your genitals will start to itch.

Mickey Rourke wants those weak ass footballers of the UK to know that they don't have anything on him when it comes to pussy. Mickey has had more vagina on him than a Go-Girl at Lilith Fair.

During a TV interview in the UK with Lizzie Cundy, she asked Mickey what he thought about footballer Ashley Cole and his harem of mistresses. Mickey bragged, "Forget Ashley Cole, his behaviour has nothing on a film star. WAGs get an easy time - they should try living with Hollywood hellraisers. I once spent a weekend in the UK and had 14 women in one night. British footballers have got nothing on us when it comes to women. If you WAGs knew what Hollywood's stars get up to you'd think you were married to pussycats."

I wonder what year it was that Mickey had 14 hos in one night, because in the early 2000s the number of cases of blindness and hysteria among young British women skyrocketed! NO! I better stop before Loki pisses on me from heaven.

I'm sure Mickey can lay it down and bust nuts like a champ. Just pop an Ambien, make the sign of the cross, sit on Mickey's face, close your eyes and hope that your memory fails you in the morning.

Now hand me my umbrella, because here comes Loki's piss!

via The Sun

At this point, the only news about Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller that would make me smear my pearl necklace is if I read that they get up at 6 every morning to pick organic vegetables from their garden to make fresh baby food for their twin sons. Other than that, everything else is filed under: DUH. Including this story from Radar about some around-the-way-ho who claims she had a drug-fueled threesome with the Sheens.

While Charlie and Brooke are currently trying to dry out, one of their former fuck buddies is shopping her story around to the highest bidder. A source said, “Brooke is bisexual. She and Charlie have had more than one woman share their bed in the short time they’ve been married. Some of the women they slept with together also did drugs with them."

Radar says they don't know who the woman is, but it wouldn't be hard to figure out. They just have to follow Gloria Allred and she'll lead them to the skank in question. Seriously, I think Gloria trained her nose to sniff out celebrity semen housed in a mistresses' vagina. It's a gift, really.

And again, this story goes without saying. It's not like Charlie and Brooke did lines of the bad shit and then read Bible verses together. Although, I'd rather see that than a threesome sex tape (it's coming, so brace your retinas).

I never understood why Hugh Hefner's pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy's Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka "chola going to spring formal" hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you've got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you'll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should've never doubted Hef's cataract encrusted eye. He knows what's good.

Here's the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.

Don't act like you've never thought about offering to suck a cop's dick to get out of trouble. The times I've been pulled over for speeding, the cop has either been a lipstick lezzie (I would try it on a butchie) or a really hot officer which means I would've been turned down in 2 seconds flat. So unfortunately, I've never gotten the chance to use that line. But 21-year-old male model Nick Snider DID! And in Arkansas of all places. Nick and I need less bad gay porn in our lives.

The Smoking Gun reports that cops were called to a house in Batesville, Arkansas after a drunk ass Nick refused to leave. When the officers showed up, Nick used the line that will either get you a punch to the mouth or handcuffs around your wrists. Nick told the cops, "I am a very famous model." That's all the cops needed to hear to throw him in the back of their car and shuffle him off to jail.

While on the way to jail, Nick repeatedly told Deputy Brian Luetschwager (click here for a visual) that he would "suck his dick and balls" if he let him go. Yes, the dick AND balls. Yeah, I think offering to suck the officer's balls too was kind of overkill. You should leave something to the imagination.

At the local lock-up, Nick offered to suck the dick of anyone who would free him. Nick would've sucked off the booking officer, the jailer, the janitor, the sandwich maker, the ANYBODY! They all turned him down. Ain't that a bitch! Rejection tastes worse than a smoker's load.

The truth is, they didn't want to get a blow job from a bitch wearing a shirt that has the word "chillaxin" on it.

Nick was charged with public intoxication, disorderly conduct and illegally attempting to influence a public servant. Nick pleaded, "I will suck your dick AND balls" to the charges. No, Nick pleaded not guilty. He bailed out and is due back in court later this month.

The line "I will suck your dick and balls" is probably what made Nick the "very famous model" he is today, so you can't throw any blame on him for trying it use it again.

In the course of a 24-period, Gerard Butler's tongue finds itself pressed up against everything from Jennifer Aniston's teefs to a glazed donut hole (do with that what you will). The Butler tongue fucks everything and anything. The manwhore is like a chihuahua with cotton mouth. It's The Butler way!

So it's no surprise that during a stroll with his friends in Venice yesterday, Gerry tasted the saliva of a lady violinist just minutes after meeting her on the street. Since it was such a magically romantic moment, another violinist serenaded the lovebirds. And after Gerry skipped away from his latest victim, a tube of Zovirax dropped into the lady violinist's hands. Someone is looking out for her.