SKANKS

On a mantel in Texas somewhere, is a framed cover of this week's UsWeekly and an entire family is standing in front of it while ejaculating warm pride from their faces as they think to themselves, "Our little girl, what a big shameless slut." (Sidenote: That's the same line my friends said to me when I asked them if it was normal for my suddenly itchy crotch shrub to play the song "Under the Sea.")

22-year-old blonde administrative assistant (it's ALWAYS the 22-year-old blonde administrative assistants) Sara Leal can now pay for that fully-equipped Kia Sorrento in cash, because she put her story of screwing Ashton Kutcher on the auction block and UsWeekly threw up the winning bid.

The Betrayal of DEMI!!!!! started when a mutual friend of Ashton and Sara's (aka a whore wrangler) invited her and some other tricks to a party at his hot tub suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. When the clock struck SLUT, everybody except for man whore Ashton, his dude friend and two ladies including Sara stayed in the suite. Just like how all the special romances of our time (see: Romeo & Juliet) started, Sara says she got clit-out naked and Ashton made his move:

"He just came up and kissed me," the Texas native tells Us of Kutcher's first bold move in the wee hours; minutes later, Leal, Kutcher and another young woman were completely nude and in a hot tub on the balcony.

"I didn't think it was out of the ordinary," Leal admits. "I wasn't self-conscious about getting naked."

When Kutcher claimed that he was "separated" from wife Moore, 48, Leal tells Us she believed him.

DUH, bitch. Of course, it wasn't out of the ordinary. You were there to get your cooch Kutched! It would be out of the ordinary if he sat down with a pen to do The New York Times crossword puzzle, but mostly because he can't operate anything that doesn't have a touch screen. Sara then said that he continued to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary by leading her to the bedroom to make the sex:

After retreating to Kutcher's bedroom past 6 a.m., "he lost his towel and I took my robe off," Leal says. "Then we had sex."

"He was good," Leal reveals. "It wasn't weird or perverted." It also wasn't 100 percent safe, either: Leal tells Us that Kutcher did not wear a condom during their one-on-one encounter.

What does Sara consider as weird? Because a dude screaming out "I'M ABOUT TO PROMOTE YOUR TWAT. HASHTAG I'M CUMMING!!!" is pretty kinky to me and you know Ashton screamed that out right before he gave her a raw nut.

Sara then says that they wrapped up their time together by talking about politics:

The post-coital talk was a little unexpected, she confesses; the duo talked astrology (they're both Aquarius), religion, love, even politics. "I told him I was a Lutheran from Texas. He said, 'Oh my gosh! Are you a Republican?'" Leal says.

Democratic-leaning Kutcher quizzed her on "up-and-coming candidates. I said Rick Perry. He asked if I'd vote for him. I said I didn't know and he laughed. He laughed at pretty much everything I said."

But it wasn't all twenty questions between the lovers, according to Leal. After having sex for a second time -- and arguing over Leal's cell phone -- the married Two and a Half Men star was tender.

"He was like, 'I enjoy things like this because I'm an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake. It's nice to have moments that are real,'" Leal recalls.

Oh the laugh at everything laugh. We all know that laugh at everything laugh. It's the "I'm just going to laugh at everything so you can take the hint, wash your vagina out in the sink and leave so I can eat dry roasted peanuts and cuddle with this pillow right here" laugh.

And that last "this is a real moment" line pretty much tells me that Ashton has a full-time writer on staff who writes all of his post-fuck lines, because that is some Notting Hill shit.

I believe that a ho has to get paid, so I'm happy that somebody bought Sara's story, but she left out the only important detail I care about. Where is the shaft-to-hole description of Ashton's dick situation?! Sara talks about that big penis Rick Perry, but doesn't talk about the only penis we care to know about? Does Ashton have the ingredients to Summer's Eve tattooed on his shaft like the legend says? This is the only shit we need to know.

But I'm going to assume that Sara was just too remorseful to get into that. I mean, look at her face in that picture. That's the same pout your puppy makes when it bareback fucks your husband in a San Diego hotel room.

Oh look, it's a plastic horse's ass on a plastic horse's ass.

Seen here in Brooklyn today riding on a horse's back in front of the cameras instead of riding on horse dick in front of the cameras for a change, the head ho of Pimp Mama Kris' whore ring tells Australia's InStyle magazine (via Daily Mail) that she and her punching bag of dumb husband only filmed their commitment ceremony to Lucifer, because if she didn't she'd disappoint all of her "fans."

Kim didn't do it for the millions of dollars or because she can't squirt out a wet queef without a 5-person camera crew focused on her snatch. Nope, not at all. When InStyle asked Kim why she chose to televise her wedding, she barked at 4 assistants to spread her ass cheeks apart and she pushed this answer out of her bullshit hole:

"That was a really big discussion, we took weeks to decide if we were going to film it or not, but I felt like my fans - everyone that has gone on this journey with me, seeing different relationships that I've been in - would feel cheated if I didn't film it. It was something that Kris and I were okay with, and the beauty of it is we get to edit it. It [will be] great to look back at that and see this time in our lives."

Yes, I'm sure the really big, three-week long discussion went something like this:

E! Executive: We'll pay $13 million and we'll give you five hours of airtime.
People Editor: We'll give you $2.5 million for the pictures, Kim.
Pimp Mama Kris & Kim: DONE!
Kris: Err. You're Kim? I thought you were Kourtney. Heh, that's funny. Did anybody tell you that your mom looks like the dude from Three's Company? Oh, look the eyes on those 4 dudes on horses riding towards us are so sparkly. I like sparkly..."

No, I'm joking. The conversation didn't even last that long. Kim really needs to stop acting like she didn't have her morals surgically removed to make way for silicone butt bags filled with Satan's coagulated blood. Because in the Kuntrashian world (which the earth revolves around, obviously), first comes an offer from E!, then comes a check from People, then comes a contract from Kris Humphries signing away all right to profits of the sex tape that will leak a day before their divorced is announced, and then comes a completely staged marriage! That's the equation for love Kuntrashian-style.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's joke of a career (or whatever you want to call it) showed up in the obituaries a long time ago, but that isn't stopping those corroded and faded fame balls from trying to resurrect the dead by bringing back their glory days! And at her 25th birthday party in Las Vegas last night, the former prized steed of MTV partied as if she just rolled out of White Oprah's twat.

Horsey Montag would've done a Blohan by throwing her drink at a photographer but: a) Heidi only gets 2 bottles of Andre from the club and she's not about to waste the sweet nectar when she can barely afford to buy a shot of Thunderbird from a drunk homeless man. b) Most horses get the spooks around camera flashes, but that shit is like a feedbag full of sugar cubes for Heidi's soul so she's not going to piss off the three photographers who only showed up for the free 3 bottles of Andre the club promised to give them (yes, they get more free bottles of Andre than Heidi does).

The Daily Mail says (no, they didn't) that Twit and Twat set the club on fire with their fiery hot glamour and the sprinklers came on. But that's probably just because the Nevada Health Department wanted to really make sure they bathed before they got close to the public.

And it looks like Heidi's silicone hemorrhoid face finally settled so much that now it looks like an inflatable trans pony (a tranapony!) that was overinflated with cold farts and just sprung a leak. Just bloated, melted and ready to party!

The walking dried bean curd with feuding titties celebrated her 29th birthday over the weekend with a good old-fashioned fame whoring bikini photo op in Malibu with her partner in homewreckery Eddie Cibrian and his children. Your 25 cents a day will go toward a special couples weekend for LeAnn's War of the Roses silicone sacks since it's obvious that they're still sleeping on opposite sides of her bony chest and refuse to even reach out and touch each other. They've been pushed apart and need to reconnect.

Because if her nomad nipples don't sing "Reunited" to each other, she'll just keep terrorizing our retinas with her sternum of doom. It must kill the mood when Eddie has to pull out an industrial-strength clamp to titty fuck LeAnn.

And while I appreciate that LeAnn wore a knit bikini filter over her ass, that mess should really be worn over the anus hole on her face so it can filter out all the shit she says.

No, this is not a page from the "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.

Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick's to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim's invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it's not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn't put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.

To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don't already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one's vagina. They're both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn't that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It's that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, "Damn, bitch, we're going to make dicks rise tonight!"

Here's more pictures from Kim's second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin's black & white bowel movements.

While displaying more raggedy, diseased, mangy and miserable creatures than the Kabul Zoo, The Colony in Hollywood hosted the Kardashians latest assault on America: The Kardashian Kollection for Sears. I guess this is the itchier side of Sears.

The Hazmat carpet was rolled out last night when Pimp Mama Kris opened up the kage door and let all of her top-notch whores model her latest money maker. You know, Pimp Mama Kris is at the top of her pimp game and rules those hos with a mighty cane made from Lucifer's tail, but I have to disagree with one of the choices she made last night. Why did Pimp Mama Kris let Khloe, Kim and Kourtney wear the krap klothes they're trying to sell to the masses? Big mistake.

You don't try to sell me a piece of trash by throwing it on a piece of trash! You dazzle that shit up. They make those cheap tacky clothes look even more cheap and tacky. Well, I guess Pimp Mama Kris should get some credit for achieving the impossible yet again.

The answer to the question "Can a leopard change its spots?" has finally been answered with an all-kanyes, bold-faced: YES!!!!!! A leopard will change its spots when it sees a Kartrashian in leopard spots. So don't be surprised when you see a lot of spotless ass leopards today.

Rachel Uchitel's whore mouth is what got her $10 million from Tiger Woods in the first place, and now that same whore mouth has cost her most of that money. Tiger Woods reportedly stuffed a $10 million hush money check between Rachel Uchitel's overstuffed dolphin dick lips after she signed a confidentiality agreement promising to keep his name off of her tongue for the rest of her life. Any smart gold digger would've immediately glamored Tiger Woods' name from her brain, because $10 million can buy a lot of lip injections and horse mane weaves. Rachel Uchitel is not a smart gold digger. Bitch is as dumb as she is Equus faced.

Rachel broke the agreement when she went on Celebrity Rehab for a "love addiction" and vaguely talked about Tiger to TMZ. Tiger's lawyer Jay Lavely accused Rachel of breaking the agreement and ordered her to give all of the money back.

TMZ reports that Rachel's lawyer Gloria Allred advised her to give whatever is left of the $10 million back to Tiger, because they'd lose in court. Rachel agreed, but one thing Cuchitel didn't know is that Gloria made a deal with Jay that she would still collect all of her attorney fees from the $10 million. If they went to arbitration and lost, Rachel would not have to pay Gloria a cent. So Rachel thinks that Gloria forced her to give back the money so the bitch could get paid. Rachel has now hired a malpractice lawyer to get those fees back from Gloria. Gloria issued this statement to TMZ:

"Our law firm no longer represents Ms. Uchitel and we have no comment on this story at this time. However, we are confident that we have always acted appropriately and in her best interests."

Gloria fucked that $10 million out of Rachel just like Rachel fucked that $10 million out of Tiger. I should laugh, but I'm too busy being disgusted and disappointed at Rachel. Rachel is a shit-skinned, anus-mouthed, piss-brained piece of Mr. Ed's caca who gives all conniving gold digging sluts a bad name! What kind of gold digger screws with the $10 million in her pocket by breaking an agreement? What kind of gold digger puts that $10 million in a domestic checking account instead of hiding it in a shoe box far, far away? What kind of gold digger tells Tiger's lawyer that she still has the money instead of saying the words I said when my third grade teacher asked me what I did with the candy I took from my classmate's desk: "I ATE IT, BITCH!"

If I had any respect for Rachel to begin with, she would've lost it over this dumb dumb move.

This will come as no surprise to you sluts as this is the biggest DUH excuse given to your lovah when asked about humping on someone else’s fuck parts during a BREAK UP PERIOD, but supposedly the Fox was on hiatus from licking on her now husband Brian Austin Green when she supposedly waxed LaDouche's pocket monkey.

In response to an internet FRENZY, a nosy bitch-type (Megan texting via a prepaid ghetto phone) working on the set of the first two Transformer movies told US Weekly, “It was when Megan and Brian broke up, they had a 10-month break before getting back together.” Detective Latoya, please sit down.

On again off again relationships are somewhat familiar to me, so let me just clue you in on the five words that will save your ass in a pinch “WE WERE NOT TOGETHER THEN!” You’re welcome (it doesn’t work).

Parasite Hilton infected The View earlier this week to whore out her new reality shit show which she says is completely original (false), totally unscripted (false) and shows the real her (true). Wonks says she's this serious business woman and philanthropist now, but the show portrays her for what she really is: a vapid douchehole who makes a dried piece of shit on the sidewalk seem useful. And Barbara Walters sharpened her lisp and went after Wonky about this.

Whoopi and Barbara tag teamed Wonky in a way she's not used to by asking her why she continues to act like a dim cunt when she talks about how she wants to be known for her charity work. Their example was a part in her show The World According To Paris (aka TWAT Pee) when she bitches to her assistant about doing community service and then throws out a sarcastic "awesome' when she finds out she'll be working with prisoners. Stupid ass Wonks stuttered with her eyes and then told Barbara that she's just joking around and playing up for the cameras. This is after she said that her show (which tanked, by the way) is completely real.

Page Six says that after Barbara reamed a new hole into Wonky (she wishes), she and Rick Hilton threw a tantrum in front of the producers about how she was treated. They didn't like the tone of the interview. A producer for The View confirms that Wonky was mad, but didn't get into details.

The truth is, Wonky should be licking on Barbara's ass for putting her on The View in the first place. The fact that she complained about this goes to show you how much of an unaware piece of spoiled shit she is. Kim Kardashian has taken Wonky's corner, so that fuck-nosed, one-eyed skank slut should be flat on her back in a whorehouse in Calcutta, fucking the locals for fish heads and rice (copyright: Angel III). That's the truth!

The 8 mutated syphilis sores who grow stronger in jacuzzi water have all officially signed on to the fourth season of Jersey Shore, which will start shooting in Italy in a few weeks. Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, Ronnie, Watermelon Dick, Sammi Sweetheart and that other shaved Wooki who isn't Snooki are all coming back to spread a thick layer of pus-filled fuckery on Italy. And they're getting a major raise.

They should really get paid with a few drink tickets, a couple of morning after pills and a coupon book from the free clinic, but Entertainment Weekly says that the main whores (probably Snooki and The Situation) will get at least $100,000 per episode not including bonuses. Each season is typically full of 13 episodes, so that means Snooki and The Situation will have another year where they get to write a seven-figure number on their tax returns! Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!!

The Jersey Shore whores made around $10,000 an episode for season 2, so this is a swift jump. EW says that even though this might make you feel like you failed in life by going to college, Snooki and company are worth that much money. Jersey Shore continues to rule basic cable and has more viewers than most shows on network TV.

This must be the real reason why Democrats and Republicans were meeting until midnight last night. They weren't going to leave until every cast member of Jersey Shore were secured for next season. They know this country's real priorities! You could see the truth in John Boehner's eyes.

By the way, I didn't really mean that "tainting" part. I wish that when I was a youngin', somebody would've taught me how to squat a piss out behind a bar