In case you needed to know that Wonky McValtrex is as good at DJing as she is at sucking dick, here's that piece of trash pretending to push a bunch of buttons and turn knobs during her debut DJ set at the Sao Paolo Music Festival. Fucking a DJ (or two, or three, or forty) does not make this skank a DJ. Wonks probably thinks DJ Afrojack passed his mixing skills to her through his jizz stream. If that was possible, Wonks wouldn't only be the world's greatest DJ. She'd also be the world's greatest drug dealer, reality show contestant, basic cable actor, singer, porn star, bass player, club doorman, bathroom attendant, Walgreens stock boy, homeless man living under a bridge and (insert the occupation of every man in the L.A. area).
Is there such a thing as dj-synching, because there's no way Wonks made music come out of those speakers by herself. Bitch can't even operate an Etch-A-Sketch. Wonks put on that craft project Lady GaGa outfit and pretended to DJ while one of her crotch crabs was really the one pressing play on the iPod under that table.
Please clap your ass cheeks for man skank for all seasons, Gerard Butler, reaching the pinnacle of dirty slutdom by probably sexing on a piece he just met in a porta potty at Coachella over the weekend. You truly haven't wished that the person before you took a post-Mexican deuce until you've walked into a porta potty and burned your nostril tips on Gerard Butler's after-sex fumes. I can practically smell it from here and now I can say I know what a boiled egg rotting in a tub of used tampons on a subway platform smells like.
Gerard Butler is ten seconds out of rehab and every newly sober hos knows that the best place to continue on your road to sobriety is Coachella! You know, because it's not like most people who go to Coachella need to freebase sand to deal with the sea of hippie hipsters from the Urban Outfitters commune. Page Six says that as far as they know, Gerard kept his body free of the bad shit at Coachella and instead he focused on feeding his other addiction: CHOCHA!
A source says that Gerard hit on piece after piece, and at one point he got close to a mysterious brunette (who may or may not be in the pictures below) at the T-Mobile party. The source says that Gerry and the mysterious brunette did the bump and grind on each other before going into a porta potty together.
I know, Gerry's acts of romance never cease to amaze me. There is something poetic about staring into an abyss of hipster shit as Gerard Butler hits it from the back. I bet Gerry's mystery piece realized that was one of the most beautiful moments of her life when afterward he asked her if she wanted to wipe her coochie off with the bottom of his shirt. Always a gentlemen, that Gerry!
Marriage vows are as sacred as an In-N-Out VIP black card in Hollywood, so it should set your emotion dial to "shock" to read that an aspiring actress/model (see: 99.98% of the popular in Hollywood) broke hers to slip and slide all over the oil slick with a peen known as Gerard Butler. But who can blame her? Stare at the picture above and try to tell me that you wouldn't want to see that between your thighs?
Radar is calling out bona fide skankatarian Gerard Butler for using his sledgehammer dick to break down the walls of some trick's happy home. Before Gerard dried himself out in rehab, he allegedly screwed on a married woman and was the reason why she dropped her husband. A source says that Gerard got friendly with the married ho and her husband before he started spreading his peen queso all over her muffin. They went at it for a while and when her husband found out, she called things off with Gerard for a quick minute to try to save her marriage. It didn't work and the woman realized that she couldn't live without Gerard's "chomping on sardines covered in Thousand Island" sex faces and so she left her husband for him. But by then, Gerard was over that shit and was already passing his peen to other tricks in the land. The source put it like this:
"She thought Gerard wanted to be in a relationship with her but then she found out he was involved with other girls, and hadn't been exactly honest with her about what was going on in his life.”
[The woman] began calling Gerard incessantly and he changed his cell phone number. She hasn't been in touch with him since he decided to go to rehab. Gerard has obviously moved on but she is now going through a divorce and trying to support her son (from a previous relationship)."
Radar also says this stupid bitch screwed around on her husband with Dave Navarro while he was still married to Carmen Electra.
This star fucking bitch really needs more people in her life to tell her that you can't turn a Butler into a housewife. You play with fire, you're going to get burned. You play with the Butler, you're also going to get burned and he's not going to be there to massage topical ointment into the warts he gave you. We're all taught in sex education class that Gerard Butler is a hit it, quit it, immediately to go the free clinic before the infection sets in kind of ho. I swear.
As my spirit animal Latrice from RuPaul's Drag Race would say: I only have 5 Gs for you, GOOD GOD GET a GRIP GIRL.
Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn't expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.
In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her "career," sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!" If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!
I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.
UPDATE: Wonky's black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.
Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question "How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?" was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.
Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha's next album. If it's coke, you're going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it's TUMS, you're going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!
JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren't you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww's dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you've got suction cup nipples? No, you don't? Well, that's because you obviously don't have an eye for the elegant things in life.
JWoww's Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an "innovative" silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it'll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you're like JWoww, then you don't have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I'm sure JWoww bought this "innovative" sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that's a small price to pay to look this exquisite.
And I don't know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn.
Olivia Munn wrote a book once called Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures Of A Hollywood Geek and in it she confessed that when she first came to Hollywood she bumped wet parts with a major movie director who's as hung as a baby flamingo flower and who regularly jacked his mouse dick while eating shrimp. (Mental note: shrimp oil is now a lube substitute). Cut to last night's episode of Attack of Show, which Olivia used to be on. Brett Ratner, director of such cinematic masterpieces as Rush Hour 3 and The Family Man, was on and the show's host Kevin Pereira brought up the rumor that Brett is the director Olivia threw shade, cocktail sauce and a penis pump at in her book. Brett admitted that it is him, but he wanted to make it clear that the only shrimp around when he's fapping is his dick. Brett then blasted at Olivia by saying she's only Asian when the role calls for it.
"I used to date Olivia Munn, I'll be honest with everyone here. But when she was 'Lisa.' She wasn't Asian back then. She was hanging out on my set of After the Sunset, I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. Because she changed her name. I didn't know it was the same person and so when she auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off, and so she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And she talked about my shortcomings."
Note that he's not even trying to defend that "shortcomings" shit.
Brett Ratner is a grade A piece of soiled clit lint who probably considers his vast Adidas flip-flops collection as his greatest achievement and who shouts shit like "Take all of daddy's big dick, bitch!" at his piece when she puts all of it in her mouth while clenching her teeth out of shame at the same time. I fully believe that Brett has a dick that doesn't even clear the gums and I also believe that his nasty bloated ass likes his masturbation sessions surf and turf-style. If you're going to squeeze your dick while eating seafood, at least be classy about it and go with lobster instead of shrimp. I bet his trailer smells like a Sizzler kitchen sink at the end of dinner service.
On the other hand, I have more of an opinion on this sludge at the bottom of my coffee cup than I do of Olivia Munn. But from what I've read, she's the eve that belongs to Summer. So hopefully these two end up together in the end, because they sound like a match made in cunt cleaner heaven.
Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it's as wonky as hers, but it doesn't. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn't even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back.
The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire's. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news.
Today's first "Fuck My Life" face is brought to you by the bought buffoon Kris Humphries.
The second "Fuck My Life" face is brought to you by thousands of trained actresses who have just lost yet another job to a fame whore piece of cold trash that has the talent of dried piss on an ass cheek.
Because Snooki is busy playing the role of Owl-Eyes in The Great Gatsby remake, Tyler Perry has cast amateur porn star Kim Kardashian in his newest church play turned movie The Marriage Counselor. Tyler was so impressed with Kim's ability to emote absolutely zero raw human emotion while getting her guts poked by Ray J's boomerang dick in her movie debut that he gave her the role of the title character's co-worker. The title character will be played by Jurnee Smollett. Deadline reports that shooting begins on that mess on October 26th in Atlanta.
Tyler Perry + Kim Kuntrashian + a plot that definitely involves a child touching uncle and an epiphany from the lord = the only time in the history of ever that the public actually misses Madea.
Seriously, if Tyler Perry really wanted a Kardashian-like whore for that role, he should've just wrapped his Madea fat suit in Spanx, threw a melted alien mask over his face and BOOM! Bitch can play that role himself. Because he's soon going to find out how annoying it is to work with Kim Kardashian. "Sorry, Tyler, Kim is trying to suck off the boom mic again" is a line he'll hear from the crew at least once a day. Tyler should do what the Keeping Up with the Kardashians production crew does: only use white boom mics.
Here's soon-to-be Oscar winner Kim Kardashian with her paid husband at her 31st birthday party in NYC last night. Pink sang for her. Oh, Pink, I thought I knew you.....
If you're like me and you've got time and no more brain cells to kill, moan through the commercial and watch this mess of a video from UsWeekly of Ashton Kutcher's one-night lady love Sara Leal talking about the special night when the cherubs cooed, roses blew out the sweet scent of love and Demi Moore's husband stuck his unwrapped douche stick into her poon. Sara says the same crap she said in the print interview but this time she says it to the camera and the effect is something special. The soft lighting that makes her look like an innocent sweet demure angel, the rented house, the casual pose on a grassy knoll like she's starring in an ad campaign for Coldwater Creek.... It all works for me.
I mean, this bareback bitch is going on about how she would've never screwed on Ashton if she knew he was still Demi and they scatter in shots of her awkwardly smiling and giving us bland come hither looks under a tree while she keeps her legs closed FOR ONCE! If this whole "fucking married celebrity men for a tabloid check" thing doesn't work for her, she has an amazing career ahead of her in karaoke video modeling. She look so damn bored. I guess they told her to recreate the emotions she felt when Ashton raw dog dicked her.
This almost looks like an infomercial for a new product called Slutvitra. You know, it's for the douchebag celebrity husband who is too full of chicken shit to dump his wife himself. So he takes some Slutvitra and before you know it's there a 4-page scandalous expose in a tabloid magazine and the deed is done for him. He gets the free publicity and now everyone will really think he's the new Charlie Sheen (he's not).