You might still have the taste of leaky ass juice on your tongue from listening to an amazing voicemail left by Dimitri the Lover (the self-proclaimed Casanova of Toronto) that made the rounds a couple of years ago. In the voicemail, Dimitri told a lady she was very "elegant" (for this I can never fully hate Dimitri) before attacking into her for not returning his calls. Well, he's baaaaaaaaack and this time he's not only terrorizing your ear holes AND genitals, but now he's violating your eyeballs too. Hell, he's making all your organs ache in a bad way.
Dimitri is currently shopping a Borat-style documentary around, and the test trailer for it is above. It basically farts for itself (i.e. "I am the Travelocity of vaginas"). Just like the douchebag himself, it will make your privates ache as if it got a Brazilian wax with Gorilla Glue.
And I also can never look at a $1 bill the same way again, because Dimitri looks like something you'd get if you mixed George Washington, Fabio, a 42-year-old virgin, a cup of pina colada lube, National Lampoon and the clearance rack of a Men's Warehouse.
And just for record-keeping purposes, I would definitely not hit it even if he wore an Anderson Cooper mask (I'm lying).
The demure goddess known as CoCo is giving Angelina Jolie some competition for the title of "Our Modern Day Mother Theresa" by asking all her Twitter followers to go hard for Haiti and buy the t-shirt she's wearing. You know CoCo means business since she put on her high-heeled sneakers for the occasion. You also know that CoCo can do anything she puts her planet-sized ass to. CoCo's ass goes hard (just ask her toilet)!
And I love that CoCo's triple decker ass makes that fire extinguisher look like it's the size of Jon Gosselin's penis.
via Tabloid Prodigy
YES, this is supposed to Debbie (I will never call her Deborah) Gibson showing off her new bikini body in the pages of InTouch Weekly. That's what both WOW Report and Tabloid Prodigy say. But even if I squint my eyes while teasing my hair and humming "Shake Your Love," I still don't see it. Maybe if I spray some Electric Youth cologne at the screen I'll see the Debbie we all know and love, because right now I just see Uma Thurman after going overboard in the sauna.
Now I know how Jodie Foster felt in Sommersby when she walked into the kitchen and expected to see her long-lost husband but found Richard Gere there instead. To the "Debbie Gibson" in the picture above: YOU ARE NOT MY HUSBAND!
Whoever is the mastermind behind these Snickers commercials must be my twin in the head. Their Super Bowl commercial starred Betty White, and now there's another one starring Queen Chichis herself Aretha Franklin (featuring Liza M).
Aretha in a Snickers commercial actually makes more sense than Betty White in one. Because when Aretha squeezes one of her nipples, a full-size Snickers bar comes popping out.
My Tivo is lazier than a baby on Ambien, so it did not record last night's premiere of Celebrity Fit Club. Thankfully, TMZ and HuffPo posted what looks like to be the best moment of that mess. It's KFed flaunting his Burger King-approved body. KFed almost gives better side-boob than Salma Hayek.
When talking to the judges about his chunk, KFed joked that he looks like the pregnant man. That joke wasn't not funny, because it's entirely possible that KFed could become the next pregnant dude. Dude's sperm could impregnate a fire hydrant, so I'm sure he could knock himself up. Maybe he was on the wrong reality show. Maybe he should've been on "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" instead. There's probably a baby KFed crawling through the sewers right now.
Here's the other "celebrities" of Celebrity Fit Club: Bobby "Doody Bubble Popper" Brown, Jay from Project Runway, some chick from High School Musical, Nicole Eggert, Sebastian Bach, Shar Jackson, and Pop Off from Bad Girls Club.
The Kitty Halftime Show from last night's Puppy Bowl is just as entertaining to watch while completely sober. I can type that with confidence, because I just watched it again while not under the influence of sugar wafers (there was a special) and hard lemonade. This also lets me know that I have a touch of Susan Boyle in me, because this is like porn to her. This is her Q-Tip.
Since we're on the subject of halftime shows, here's the full video from the OTHER halftime show starring Pete Townshend's pepaw pouch.
Butt sex will never be the same again thanks to this clip of Sherri Shepherd working her ass out on The View this morning.
With all this talk of death floating around these parts, I felt like we needed a slap of raw cuteness to the face, so here is some of the PUPPIES!!! that will be part of the starting line-up at the most important sporting event this Sunday: The Puppy Bowl featuring the kitty half-time show.
Why watch a bunch of sweaty men with their nostrils in each other's asses when you can watch puppies! Did I just type that? PUPPIES!! really do give me fever, because I'm sounding more delusional than normal. Who cares?! We've got puppies!
And I'm going to bet a cup of bong water on the ferocious player above being named MVP (most valuable puppy).
The tabloids need to shut the hell already about Jennifer Aniston texting that asshole Brad Pitt. Jen is too busy making adorable masterpieces like the one above.
This really needs to be made into an IMAX 3D Experience.
I know you probably think that I report the important news affecting our world today from a wood-paneled office while wearing a three-piece suit and freshly polished wing-tips. But the ugly truth is I make the blog donuts from a broke down West Elm table while wearing sweats and a t-shirt thin enough for me to use the ends to floss the jerky bits out of my teeth. I am lucky.
However, it is a pain in the asshole whenever I have to put on outside clothes to go to the corner store to buy more beef jerky. But thanks to the genius makers of the Pajama Jeans, I don't ever have to strain myself by putting on real pants AGAIN! The Pajama Jeans are pajama bottoms that look just like a pair of fancy jeans from the European designer section at a fine department store. It's a mirage!
This shit should be called Life Changing PJeans! They take you from day to night and back to night again. These are the only bottoms you'll ever need in your life. Well, almost the only bottom you'll ever need. You still need this bottom, because you do have to watch American Idol twice a week.