When the hell did the producers of American Gladiators start working on America's Next Top Model? Damn. During last night's episode, the mighty foreheaded one forced the girls to walk down two flights of stairs and then dodge giant pendulums on the runway. Alexandra not only fell down the stairs, but she was almost disemboweled by one of TyTy's giant metal forehead covers.
What is TyTy going to make them do next? Pose with poisonous insects? Wait, she's already done that. Maybe she'll make them blackout while holding their breath during an underwater shoot? Wait, she's done that too. I give up. Tyra is seriously the master of torture. This shit should be re-titled America's Next Top Urgent Care Patient.
via The Life Files
It isn't Thanksgiving until one of your family members throws a drink in your face before telling you how much they hate you. It isn't Christmas until one of your kids calls you a bad parent because you didn't buy them the right gift. And it surely isn't St. Patrick's Day until you pay a visit to the Crackhead Leprechaun of Mobile, Alabama! You see the leprechaun, so say YEAH!
And I know you've been searching all day for the perfect song to play during your St. Patty's Day party (aka just you and your dog chilling on the sofa with a plate of green Twinkies) tonight. Well, search no more:
My internet connection must be hungover, because bitch is not cooperating today! It gets up for a quick second, and then passes the hell out again. So please talk amongst yourselves while I try to round-up the Duggars so that they can form a prayer circle around my modem. Or maybe Michelle can give birth to a Time Warner technician who can fix this shit!
First I get a bad omen in the form of a single black Cheerio landing in my cereal bowl, and then this nekkid picture of Mad Men's Rich Sommer hits my inbox. I'm going to blame it on daylight saving time. This week you are allowed to blame everything on DST.
Here we have a member of Team Coco giving Conan O'Brien a wet hand job while simultaneously kicking Jay Leno in the chin. This is a page from Coco fan fiction come to life. FUCK THE WALL! Yes, I know means For The Win, but let me just fuck the wall for right now. Why did I just type that?
Here we have the exiled Emperor of Lucite Lorenzo Lamas at Kat Von D's tattoo salon with his newborn baby fiancee Shawna "Not Shauna" Craig. Of course, they got matching tattoos after Shawna gave Kat Von D a signed permission slip from her parents. Basically, I feel the same way Lorenzo's torso feels about this entire situation. I'm just meh-ing all over. And no, I'm not meh-ing because I ate a 5-day-old burrito for lunch. Okay, maybe.
Who does Lorenzo's torso remind me of? The beady eyes, the trout grimace, the Tang-ey skin..... It's Lindsay Lohan! QUICK! Tell somebody to produce a Lorenzo Lamas biopic right away, so Lindsay can play his middle-aged torso!
Someone just won't let Gordon Boyd be great! After reporting serious news in Knoxville, TN, Gordon threw a Kanye-produced hissy fit over some kind of technical glitch. You can almost see the words "I Quit This Bitch" torpedoing off of his eyelashes heading straight for the ho who fucked with him. The news anchor can see it too, and homeboy is scared. I think he might have pee-peed in his panties a little bit.
You know that as soon the red light on the camera went dark, that news anchor jumped in his Chrysler and headed straight for the border. Hell, everyone in the studio did, because they weren't going to be around when Gordon the Terrible stomped on through.
Tiger Woods should watch himself, because here comes a hotter bitch who not only dresses better than him, but I'm sure Burrito has humped on more plastic toys too. And let's not even talk about Tiger's lipstick vs. Burrito's lipstick. No, seriously, let's not.
Best Week Ever put up this clip from 2008 of Burrito the Golfing Chihuahua showing off his skills on the Today Show. Burrito's owner says he does absolutely everything with her which includes kayaking (where's the video of that?), shopping, horseback riding, stalking her ex-husband and crying into a pillow every night. Okay, I made those last two up.
Burrito pretty much sucks when it comes to playing golf, but I don't think he's trying to hit the ball. I think Burrito's trying to raise the club high enough so he can hit his owner in the ankles.
Look at this special bitch. Sadie Winfrey was escorted to her motorcade in Los Angeles yesterday by her entourage including security, chauffeur, handler, stylist and gland pincher. The chick on the right is only responsible for catching Sadie's caca nuggets with her gloved hand before they touch the sidewalk. Yes, even Sadie's shit is too good to touch the ground.
And just so you know, everybody in this picture signed the No Phone Zone Pledge. Oprah would want you to know that (since she says it every damn second on her show). Well, everybody signed it except for Sadie. That bitch is too important that it's impossible for her to not text while driving.
Here's more of Queen Sadie ordering sluts around yesterday. I also threw in some pictures of Gayle King and Oprah meeting for a munch...I mean...for lunch.
On Friday, I gave you a serving of Hank Azaria's freshly Nadded nipples, so here's the other side of the coin: Modern Family's Ty Burrell and his luscious nipple mane. You know want to floss with his chest follicles. And I have to say that Ty's oh-so-happy trail is something special, because it's shaped like a hairy tear drop usually found in Robin Williams' eye hole. I'd hit it just for that.
Here's more of Ty Burrell and his co-star Julie
Gollum Bowen shooting scenes for Modern Family in Hawaii yesterday.