Here's Sylvester Stallone giving you a visual of what The Hulk's dick might look like. Bitch has got some hung veins. You might think Sly's arms are ribbed for your displeasure, but you better believe that somewhere there's a fist-loving power bottom bitch who is up for the challenge. May all the forces be with them, because one fisting from Sly will leave your asshole looking like the Council of Elrond just ordered Frodo to throw the Ring into it. Been there, done that, have the ointment for it....
If you've always wanted to look like you should be waiting in line at the free clinic after catching herp bumps on your ass cheeks from sitting on a toilet inside the Rock of Love Bus, then take notes while watching this video of Jenna give herself a whoreover.
In just a few simple steps, Jenna (who might just be the broken condom love child of Jan Brady & Fire Marshall Bill) shows you how to trick people into thinking you're not fuglier than Mickey Rourke's peen. Jenna is taking me up up and away with her exquisitely applied "built for fuckery" brows, but where are the lucite heels and bits of vomit in her hair from yacking up kamikaze shots?
Jenna could also call this tutorial "How to Attract Tiger Woods."
This is the time of day when we all watch a marmot (with hips like KFed) washing down the family of wart hogs he just swallowed with a biscuit! And he's doing it all on a leopard blanket, so he's keeping it sessy for you.
via Videogum (Thanks Ken)
For those of you looking for the perfect appetizer to give to your guests before serving them a canned whole chicken, I present to you The Candwich! The Candwich currently comes in three flavors (barf, barfier, and barfiest) and even includes a candy surprise. Hopefully, this candy surprise they are talking about will cleanse your mouth after you vomit up The Candwich into the can near your desk (coming soon: Canvom).
Not only is canned shit going to be a popular item in the Spears household (Leave her alone, making a simple 3-ingredient sandwich is hard), but this should also be in every single natural disaster kit right next to the dusty can of peas and space blanket. Because when you're sitting on a giant pile of rubble that used to be your house, nothing will make you feel worse like biting into a shit-flavored corn syrup sammy. You might as well take that FML feeling all the way over the edge.
It's hotter than a dragon's clit outside, and my air conditioner refuses to spit out cold air, so I'm extra dizzy in the brains today. That's why I'm just going to chalk up this California Gurls parody featuring a pepaw in a speedo as nothing more than a hallucination brought upon by heatstroke. I only wish my hallucination also starred the Struttin' That Ass Dude. Maybe he'll show up in the remix.
The worst part of this video is when it ENDS, because I have a feeling that this hot piece was just about to really break down the ass strut for us. Dude backs his shit up like he's trying to get poked in the ass by a top who keeps doing the Moonwalk (BEEN THERE!).
This clip that will keep you struttin' that ass for the rest of the day is from a local news station in Huntersville, Alabama. This hot piece is telling the reporter how he can't stand it when fancy falutin' bitches strut their asses down the sidewalk without a care in the world, because walking is a luxury for them. But he doesn't drive a Mercedes, so he has no choice but to walk all the way from Huntsville to Guntersville which leaves him too tired to STRUT THAT ASS! At least that's what I think he's going on about it.
But he shouldn't have to walk anywhere. I mean, all he has to do is strut that ass down the sidewalk and every car will pull the hell over and take him wherever he needs to go! Shit, I don't even own a car and I'm about to hot wire one so that I can drive all the way to Alabama to offer him a ride if he promises to strut that ass for me live.
via Tabloid Prodigy
Here's Stephen Dorff winking at your ass while flashing his insane V muscle in Malibu yesterday afternoon. Seriously, that V (is for "vagina and other fuck parts go here") muscle is crazy. This is some "when love handles go right" shit. It's like a pair of sessy body pockets. You just want to grab onto Stephen's V and never let go. Or you can use his V to store your cell phone and a bottle of lube. Whatever creams your crop.
Here's more of Stephen with a slobbery dog friend yesterday. But seriously, that dog is the real star of this gallery. Bitch really thinks it can handle that football.
It's been a while since we've had a visit from the Glittery Gays of YouTube, so here's a bevy of honey-glazed Twinkies lip dubbing FOR THEIR LIVES and swishing their shit to Katy Perry's "California Gurls."
This was sent to me yesterday with the subject line: "The most glorious and gayest thing you will see all day." It might have been the most glorious, but it certainly wasn't the gayest. I mean, I did get a good look at myself in the mirror while I was wearing a Mother's Cookies t-shirt. So I win, obviously. Sorry, California Gays.
via Queerty (Thanks Rick)
What's the first thing you think of when you think of Liza Minnelli? Okay, I know you think of a Percocet drip, but what do you think of after that? SEQUINS, right? SEQUINS! And Liza was selling a whole lot of sequins on the televised swap meet of foolery that is HSN last night. Thankfully, Rich at Four Four compiled all of Liza and Bobbi Ray Carter's (who is a glamorous mess all by herself) greatest moments in a tiny little pill for you to swallow with a white wine spritzer.
Not only is Liza giving the middle-aged beauties something to wear to their office holiday party this December, but she's also teaching us the art of subtle seduction. Example at the 2:55 mark: "When you're in the middle of a conversation...just drop it." And by "it" she means a shawl and not her eyelids along with the rest of her body.
HSN should change their name to LMN, because we need Liza all the time.
Isaiah Mustafa, the piece who made thousands of horny tricks do all sorts of kinky shit with an Old Spice bottle, is back in a brand new commercial that will swan dive into some of your vaginas. This still doesn't make me want to squirt Old Spice on my pits, but it did make me cancel my plans for tonight (aka watch 10 hours of TV and then cry in the shower) so that I can take 3 trains to Costco to buy sheet cake.