Open Post

Do you love candy? Well, you will love it even more (sarcasm) after seeing this video of Loco Mama singing about a candy bra! At first I thought this was my Uncle Werner after getting the "Xtina Makeover" at the MAC counter! But Werner's chichis are bigger than that.

I have a feeling that Loco Mama has a hit on her hands. This is going to go double barf bag. It's going to sell more than all of Brooke Hogan's albums combined (that is saying nothing).

In other news, a ginge pussy, who might be Keyboard Cat , was just seen trying to jump off the 6th Street Bridge.

VIA Buzzfeed

Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud is one of my favorite drunk Brits. Bitch loves to lap up the sweet nectar and it shows. Look at her ass leaving a London club at 4 in the morning. Druuuunk. When your eyes are unintentionally doing an impersonation of Wonky McValtrex, you've got the drunks in a major way. Speaking of boozing, here's a story/warning out of Boulder, CO that you should try to remember just when you're about to pass out after a night of debauchery.

So, this 20-year-old chick was partying it up on the rooftop of her sister's apartment building in Boulder. The girl's sister said she had two tequila shots, two vodka lemonades and probably a couple of beers, but she wasn't totally blitzed. The girl decided she had enough boozing, so she went downstairs to her sister's fifth-floor apartment to sleep it off. About two hours later, her sister came to check on her and couldn't find her ass anywhere in the apartment! It was about that time that an ambulance pulled up to the apartment building. The girl was lying on the grass below with a window screen near her! The bed the girl was sleeping in was right next to a window. You do the math.

The police think that homegirl accidentally rolled out of the window while she was sleeping. She was taken to the hospital for surgery and is currently recovering. Despite now having a phobia of sleeping next to windows, the girl will be fine.

This is why it's sometimes best to blackout on your bathroom floor! Seriously, before you're about to fall into a drunk coma, close every damn window and lock that bitch! And if you MUST have the window open, attach a bungee cord to your ankle just in case.

While watching the Baltimore Ravens training session yesterday, Snoop Dogg made sure that he remained dry and toasty. Do not even question why Snoop Dogg could not hold the umbrella himself. The Dogg just can't. Think about it. What if he was holding his umbrella and a strong gust of wind came through causing his weed hand to jerk and break? How will he hold a joint by himself? How will he light a bong by himself? How will he turn his vaporizer on by himself? Snoop Dogg cannot risk this. We all cannot risk this. If Snoop Dogg couldn't smoke the good shit, the entire marijuana industry would dry up (and not in a good way).

When I first salivated over these pictures of Ryan Gosling on a motherfuckin' bike, I thought the loud roaring and squeaking in my ears was just my imagination really taking me there. But no, the roaring was actually coming from my genital areas. Don't worry, I just dabbed a little Pennzoil on there and now it won't be doing that anymore. For now. And don't ruing the moment by mentioning Ryan's prison-quality Giving Tree tattoo.

During the first few seconds of this clip, I thought to myself, "Hmmm...In my circle, you can get yourself a free lunch at Olive Garden with facial moves like that." And then it all went dark from there.... My window shades closed by themselves, every door in my apartment locked itself and my cell phone rang, but there wasn't a voice on the other end. It was just static and moaning. The Grim Reaper and I will be skipping down the tunnel to Hell in about 7 days. Great.

VIA Everything Is Terrible (of course!)

If you enjoy almost coughing up your heart out of sheer fear while crossing your living room mantle to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, then this is the product JUST FOR YOU! A company called Cremation FAIL Solutions has started selling urns that look exactly like the head of your dead loved one or "your favorite celebrity." The creepiness is made using one or two photographs. It comes in full-sized and keepsake-sized.

Personally, I think they should market this shit as not only a holder for human body ashes. I mean, they can also sell a Jon Gosselin condom jar and a Fishsticks Paltrow barf bin!

VIA Metro

Right before Jack Nicholson went snorkeling in France, he exercised his lungs by puffing away on a cigarette. Nine out of ten snorkeling professionals recommend that you puff up your lungs with nicotine clouds before going underwater. Besides, if Jack doesn't smoke on a ciggie at least every hour, his succulent titty sacks will deflate even more!

You know, seeing Jack floating in the ocean while sucking on a thin stick in his, reminded me of this:

Too mean? Well, guess what? I don't give a fuck! I'm mad at Jack. Take a look at the thumbnail below and you'll see why I have a CROC to pick with him. Jack, I know they match your diaper (see how angry he makes me?), but put down those works of evil and come towards the light. The war against CROCS is almost over and I want you to be on the right side when the plastic dust settles and victory is declared!

Grace Jones has hosted this space before, so she's back for an encore performance to show the likes of Lady CaCa how authentic weirdos do it. Grace brought her fuckery show to NYC last night and came out wearing alien queen outfit after alien queen outfit. This glittery EXTRAVAGANZAAAA shit is good for the soul! Feed me, Grace!

And as much as I love seeing Grace's back door to fuckery in all its glory hole glory (see thumbnail #1), my favorite outfit has to be her post-op Heat Miser ensemble (see thumbnail #4).

This is a commercial for a completely unnecessary product called The Shake Weight. It is unnecessary because this shit already exists. It's called A DICK! To be blunt.

I wonder if The Shake Weight makes you lick the tip and moan like you're actually getting off on it? If you buy now, you'll get a set of mini vibrating medicine balls that you can play with in one hand while you're single-fisting The Shake Weight.

You know Madonna's Baby Jesus is looking down at his empty crotch area and thinking (read this in Portuguese), "Why didn't someone tell me about this shit before?!"

SPOILER ALERT: The "prestigious California university" that conducted the scientific study is DeVry.

VIA Jezebel

The Jersey Shore Store (smells like hairspray crust, AXE tanning oil, taffy wrappers and low tide) in NYC unveiled their wax figures of both The Boss and Ol' Blue Eyes yesterday. At least they say it's Bruce and Frank, but I've crossed my eyes while trying to tell myself in a Jersey accent that it's them and I still don't see it.

Although, I'm a little distracted, because I'm trying to ignore the goose bumps on my no-no from looking at Bruce's wax statue. SUCIO! Seriously, when you're telling yourself, "I'd hit that candledick," it might be time for a slut-ervention. Call Candy Finnigan!