The porn iguana goddess put one of her many natural talents to use the other day when she threw a 25 cent swap meet wig on her head to play her alter ego Courtina. This is some shit that a bored 16-year-old home schooler does after getting into their parents' booze cabinet. But what else is there for Courtney to do all day? She can either make messed up videos on YouTube or help her creepy-faced husband make a skin suit out of his victims in the shed out back. I don't know if Courtney's trying to sound like a Russian speaking English in a Spanish accent or if she's trying to sound like Bjork with a speech impediment? But whatever the case may be, Donald Trump just fell in love and is totally going to buy Courtney from Doug.
Pour yourself something sparkling, slip into your nicest sweats, turn down the lights, light a Glade candle, sit back and spend some time with these pictures of Billy Crystal's long-lost unicorn twin brother spreading the glitter through the The Grove in L.A. yesterday afternoon. This is some fappin' to the oldies shit. Make sure to spend some quality time with Richard Simmons' moose knuckle situation, which sort of looks like a family of hamsters playing Twister or like a basket of boiled Faberge eggs. You deserve it. We all deserve some Richard Simmons.
Even though FOX's "celebrity" diving show was about as exciting as trying to fuck a pool jet (Correction: Trying to fuck a pool jet is a million times more thrilling than watching Fox's pool fart of a diving show.), ABC is still going through with their own diving show and thank everything for that. Because ABC's diving show called Splash has an all-star A-list cast including Drake Bell, Kendra Wilkinson, Katherine Webb, Chuy Bravo, Kareem Abdul-Jabar, Keisha Knight Pulliam and LOUIE ANDERSON!!!! (Yes, I really wish it was Loni Anderson instead, but I'll settle for Louie.)
The cast of this mess has been training in L.A. for weeks and yesterday Drake, Keisha and Louie all dipped into the pool. The entire concept of this show is really weird and those celebrities are just asking to break their ass on the diving board, but I am still here for Louie's magnificent chichis and his bunny teeth.
Who knew that a couple who's been kissing for over 46 hours straight make exactly the same expressions that Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes made while kissing for 46 milliseconds straight?
Raksana Taranara and her husband Akekachai Tiranarat might have raw lips, juicy pits, dirty ass, depression caused by sleep deprivation, a fever caused by dehydration and they'll never be able to kiss again without dry heaving, but they're over $4,000 richer! Raskana, Akekachai and 13 other couples in Thailand put their lips on each other on Sunday at 6am and they were all trying to beat the Guinness World Record for the longest kiss. A couple in Germany did it for 32 hours in 2009. As the other couples started to drop, Raskana and Akekachai kept their lips on each other.
The Telegraph says that they couldn't sit or sleep and they could only sip water through a straw. They even had to keep their mouths touching when they pissed. One chick fainted on the floor just a half hour into that mess. But Raskana and Akekachi held on to each other's lips for 46 hours and 24 minutes and beat out the others for the title, a cash prize and a diamond ring.
These crazy bitches! I don't think I could kiss Anderson Cooper's Fun Dip-coated ass lips for that long. (I didn't mean that). I bet that when they started, homeboy's pinky nail was short. That's how long they were kissing for. Well, at least he's got an amazing coke nail to show for it.
And this is the perfect picture for Valentine's Day. Nothing is more romantic and beautiful than the sight of two people trying to keep down the vomits as they bite on each other's lips. It looks like she's trying to figure out how to make the vomits shoot out of her butt instead.
That being said, this is still not as barf-inducing as the virgin kiss.
To think, if Pimp Mama Kris didn't get her face waxed twice a day, she'd look as adorable as this!
While some were watching Naomi Campbell act like the mega bitch she is on The Face, another badass bitch was ruling the stage and putting lesser than hos to shame at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Banana Joe was crowned the King of Westminster last night when he beat out an Old English sheepdog named Swagger, a German wirehaired pointer named Oakley, a Portuguese water dog named Matisse, an American foxhound named Jewel, a bichon frise named Honor and a smooth fox terrier named Adam for the title of Best in Show. Banana Joe became the first affenpinscher in 137 years to win the top prize at Westminster.
Banana Joe's handler and owner said that he has over 80 best-in-show titles, but of course Westminster is now his biggest. Since Banana Joe is the ruler of all show dogs for now, he's officially retiring and will spend the rest of his days taking champagne baths in his Best in Show trophy.
I totally thought Swagger had it (how can they deny a fluff ball with no eyes?!), but this adorable monkey-faced Ewok deserves the title solely because his name is Banana Joe.
Kate Upton, who? Sure Kate Upton's nipples froze, turned black and nearly fell off during her bikini photo shoot in Antarctica, but I'd like to see her do this. Has Kate Upton ever posed in the middle of a square in Berlin wearing only black ribbon, red construction paper, discount tulle from the fabric store and half of a heart-shaped chocolate box (on her box)? Only the Courtney Stodden (with a drop of Phoebe Price) of Germany, Micaela Schaefer, can pull off a sophisticated and demure ensemble like this.
The shiniest human rhinestone in Germany (next to Harald Gloockler, of course) gave everyone in Berlin an early Valentine's Day gift when she threw a fourth grade craft project on her body and posed for the paps in a square the other day. If a discount lingerie store put on a Victoria's Secret-like fashion show in the parking lot of a shuttered down mini mall and only had a budget of $3, this is what would come stomping down the folding table catwalk during the finale of their show.
Micaela Schaefer looks like a cross between a broke down float in the saddest Mardi Gras parade ever and a depression era Victoria's Secret model. In other words, this look is redefining the meaning of luxury.
Happy Early VD!
Let me try to put this as eloquent as possible:
FOR WHY?????!!!!?? MY EYES! MY SOUL! IT BURNS! WHY?!!!!!!
On Saturday, I went to see the optometrist and I thought it was going to be a regular appointment. You know, she'd check my eyes, tell me I'm as blind as always and then kick me out after I ask her if I could stick my ass against the glaucoma testing machine for a few minutes. But I didn't get to ask her about sticking my ass against the glaucoma testing machine, because she pulled up some pictures they took of my eyeballs and told me that it looks like my retina is detaching from eyeball and I have to go to a specialist. Just minutes before I went to the eye doctor, I watched Courtney Stodden's video. Coincidence?! NO! We finally have scientific proof that the sight of Courtney Stodden tears retinas! My eye doctor should've told me to stay away from all images of Courtney Stodden until further notice, because I don't think my eyes will ever be the same after seeing these pictures of the porn iguana kissing her daddy on the red carpet. If my retina didn't already detach from my eye, it did now!
Courtney's creepy husband Doug Hutchison, her dad Alex Stodden and her pimp mom Krista Stodden all came out to celebrate the premiere of her music video at some club in L.A. last night. Surprisingly, the creepiest moment of the night wasn't when Courtney sucked on Doug's serial killer dough face while hugging a stripper pole. The creepiest moment of the night was when Alex Stodden spanked his daughter and then kissed her. They're like the Tales from the Crypt version of Jessica Simpson and Papa Joe. And it looks like when Daddy Alex gets really excited, his chins expand.
If it turns out that Daddy Alex is a closeted pastor who is really into twinks, I'm done. I'm done.
Usually I spend my Sunday nights on my balcony screaming, "GIVE ME PUFFY PEEN! GIVE ME PUFFY PEEN!" at the cars driving by. But tonight I'll be screaming, "GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS! GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS!," at the TV while watching a Golden Girls marathon. No, I'll be screaming it at the Grammys, but if there's a Golden Girls marathon on tonight let me know, because I'd rather watch that shit. So the Grammys are on tonight and I'm going try to watch the live stream, because Los Angeles is one of the lands of the past and it doesn't come on until 11pm EST here. I better see a lot of rebel nip slips and even more insubordinate camel toes tonight and I hope that none of them come from Taylor Swift.
Feel free to scream, 'GIVE ME PUFFY PUSS," in this open post hosted by a freshly blown Justin Timberlake looking like a third tier weeknight lounge singer at a 2 star hotel in Palm Desert.
Or just fuck the Grammys and watch the Honey Boo Boo Christmas special instead.
We can all ascend now that we've seen beauty and glamour in its finest, rawest and most potent form. I hope you have a paper bag handy, because it's only a matter of seconds before your b-hole starts hyperventilating. That is a natural reaction to the sight of elegance incarnate.
It only took two packs of Lee Press On Nails, five Sharpies, four handfuls of stick-on rhinestones, three jars of Vaseline, one bottle of Wite Out, a gallon of oil-based red paint, a whole lot of black shoe polish and the finest rhinestone pieces from QVC, but the most gorgeous creature in Europe Harald Glööckler managed to top himself. And yes, I'm pretty sure that's the only time in the history of forever that the words "Harald Glööckler managed to top" have been typed, read or spoken.
Last night in Austria, Mira Sorvino, her husband, Gina Lollobrigida and dozens of others at the Vienna Opera Ball lost their breaths and suffered from severe glamour inhalation when Harald Glööckler rode in on a horse-drawn carriage like the royal empress he is.
Let's all bow down to the unicorn skunk chola who is as precious as a wet kiss from a rainbow and as dazzling as a Liberace butt queef. Actually, I don't think Harald glued those rhinestones to his beautiful face. He's just having an acne breakout. Yes, even his acne breakouts are works of art.
Various Pizza Huts around the world have already brought us pizza in a pizza, cheeseburger crusted pizza, Kit Kat pizza dough pops and now they've really done it by serving up an artery-clogging, stomach-hurting mound of madness. Boing Boing posted this picture from the Tumblr of John Lehmann, a photojournalist who is traveling around China and found this hot dog-encrusted shrimp tempura pizza with mayonnaise pizza at a Pizza Hut there.
I don't know if this is the nastiest circle jerk I've ever seen or if it's the most deliciously disgusting circle jerk I've ever seen or both. How can weed not be legal in China, because there's no way you could put your mouth around that thing unless your name is Mama June or you're extra EXTRA extra high on the right stuff.
This is the kind of bukkake scene you'd see if you walked into the Scientology's men's lounge on any given weekend night. Alien jizz and plump wieners galore. And yes, David Miscavige, Tommy Girl and John Travolta are the shrimp tempuras.