I always knew there was a Doogie Howser at the beginning of every DOUBLE COMPLETE RAINBOW, and now here's proof. It's so bright! It's so vivid! It's so intense! It's making me cry! And I'm not talking about the double rainbow either. This hot bitch knows.
As Jezebel points out, when this dude calls in to extend his unemployment benefits, he can definitely answer yes to the question, "Did you teach your roommate's dog a phrase that only PedoBear will approve of?"
And dude's roommate will never ever be able to watch an entire episode of To Catch A Predator (or a Roman Polanski interview) without poor Meatwad begging his ass for a walk.
Someone had to do it, I guess. But please tell me the proceeds from the sale of this t-shirt are going to the Anti-Defamation League, the NAACP, the NCADV, and the "Buy Mel Gibson A Fucking Blow Job Already" Fund.
The beautiful outfit made from leftover sequins and separates from a mid-range department store.... The matching tiara.... The confused looks on the faces of the innocent bystanders... The random shots of mall stores... The lyrics.... The seductive moves... The creepy blue shots of the teenage boy in town... THE EVERYTHING!
Is this all sorts of wrong? Or is this all sorts of right? Do we call Chris Hansen? Or do we call every record executive in the world? I can't even...
What in the "Will you git auf muy foot" Hell happened to Rosie Perez?! Rosie was wheeled into the White House this morning to speak to President Obama about the HIV/AIDS crisis. Nobody seems to know why her neck was braced and why she was in a wheelchair.
Maybe Rosie did the unthinkable and listened to the Mel Gibson tapes with headphones on, after sundown and without two yarmulkes over each of her ears. This is the only safe way to listen to that mess. Whatever the case may be, I hope Rosie recovers quickly so she can go and make a sequel to It Could Happen To You. Or Untamed Heart. Or both.
UPDATE: HHH got to the bottom of this! Rosie told them that she busted herself up while trying to do a stunt for Law & Order: SVU last year. Rosie ended up with a slipped and bulging disc. Rosie has been trying to avoid surgery for a year, but she gave in and had surgery on her neck recently.
I've eaten a lot of processed food and smoked a lot of stuff in my days, but I've never ever considered joining the Glenn Beck For 2012 Initiative UNTIL NOW! The darker La Toya Jackson has convinced me to do so thanks to:
1. The Bermuda hat which was purchased on a drunken whim at a gift shop on Royal Caribbean's private island.
2. The strangely manicured wild brows that are growing long just so they can snatch a pair of tweezers from the bathroom cabinet and pluck themselves off her face.
3. The lip liner.
4. The lip liner.
5. The lip liner.
Get me a Wet 'N Wild lip wand in Hanky Pinky and tell me where to sign!
Here's Sylvester Stallone giving you a visual of what The Hulk's dick might look like. Bitch has got some hung veins. You might think Sly's arms are ribbed for your displeasure, but you better believe that somewhere there's a fist-loving power bottom bitch who is up for the challenge. May all the forces be with them, because one fisting from Sly will leave your asshole looking like the Council of Elrond just ordered Frodo to throw the Ring into it. Been there, done that, have the ointment for it....
If you've always wanted to look like you should be waiting in line at the free clinic after catching herp bumps on your ass cheeks from sitting on a toilet inside the Rock of Love Bus, then take notes while watching this video of Jenna give herself a whoreover.
In just a few simple steps, Jenna (who might just be the broken condom love child of Jan Brady & Fire Marshall Bill) shows you how to trick people into thinking you're not fuglier than Mickey Rourke's peen. Jenna is taking me up up and away with her exquisitely applied "built for fuckery" brows, but where are the lucite heels and bits of vomit in her hair from yacking up kamikaze shots?
Jenna could also call this tutorial "How to Attract Tiger Woods."
This is the time of day when we all watch a marmot (with hips like KFed) washing down the family of wart hogs he just swallowed with a biscuit! And he's doing it all on a leopard blanket, so he's keeping it sessy for you.
via Videogum (Thanks Ken)
For those of you looking for the perfect appetizer to give to your guests before serving them a canned whole chicken, I present to you The Candwich! The Candwich currently comes in three flavors (barf, barfier, and barfiest) and even includes a candy surprise. Hopefully, this candy surprise they are talking about will cleanse your mouth after you vomit up The Candwich into the can near your desk (coming soon: Canvom).
Not only is canned shit going to be a popular item in the Spears household (Leave her alone, making a simple 3-ingredient sandwich is hard), but this should also be in every single natural disaster kit right next to the dusty can of peas and space blanket. Because when you're sitting on a giant pile of rubble that used to be your house, nothing will make you feel worse like biting into a shit-flavored corn syrup sammy. You might as well take that FML feeling all the way over the edge.