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Speaking of flipping a bitch off, here's a short clip of BBC Weatherdude Tomasz Schafernaker throwing a jokey "fuck you, bitch" at one of the news anchors for making fun of his ass. The star moment of this shit isn't Tomasz correctly utilizing his middle finger, it's the two-second freakout he does when he realizes he was just caught on camera. Bitch tries to eat the evidence (aka his middle finger) while his eye balls bulge out like STAINS on bunk meth.

But Tomasz (the z is for zesty) has no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed. Giving a trick the middle finger is as natural as calling someone a "cunt." It's behavior that should be rewarded! Seriously, the BBC producers need to drop a raise in his lap.

And just because, here's Tomasz with his nipples out on the cover of a magazine:

Is it just my imagination or is Tomasz's crotch flipping us off (wink wink) in that picture? Yes, I know the answer is a giant "YES" but just let me believe!

via Best Week Ever

Here's Jane Fonda and the too pretty Chace Crawford at the NYC screening of "Mao's Last Dancer" looking like a recently divorced Palm Beach socialite with the boy toy she found bussing tables at her country club. This is the same kept piece who sleeps nekkid at the foot of her bed every night and as soon as he hears her and her dog simultaneously snoring, he tip toes out to the guest house to lick the chlorine residue off the South American pool boy's nutsack!

But seriously, if Chace ever needs extra coins in his hot pocket he should cuddle up to Jane, because these two make a perfect sugar memaw and her shiny toy.

In case you can't tell from the lack of action going on around here, I am still on vacation mode until tomorrow. So basically, I've been doing the "listening station shuffle" since Friday like the hot memaw above. And I've been doing it in the same outfit!

The Step Up bitches need to step down for good, because they will never bust it out like ole' girl above.

via Buzzfeed

On Tosh.0 the other night, Daniel Tosh tried to control the rumble of desire brewing in his no-no while he rubbed his hands all over Carrot Top's piping hot carcass. Daniel tried to act like his nipple holes weren't about to blow steam, but we all know that finger banging Carrot Top's chichi crevice and massaging those freckled ass dumplings would take almost anybody over the top.

Okay, if Carrot Top isn't your (aka everybody but me) thing, but watching Paula Deen in the kitchen is, then this clip will still work for you. Because it sorts of looks like Daniel is slathering butter all over a giant roasted pork butt.

And when you give Carrot Bottom a rubdown, you're the one who gets the happy ending. Or is that you're the one who gets a lifetime phobia to orange squash with an abnormal number of warts?

(Thanks Lauren)

Whoever owns the copyright to Carrie Underwood's song "Before He Cheats" needs to immediately sign that shit over to this dude, because while competing in KCN's Carrie-Oke contest he proved to everyone that he owns this song! The chaffed layers of emotion that he peeled off the lyrics could be used to cover Carrie Underwood when she's crying in her bed over being upstaged!!!

via TDW

In case your day has been like the inside of White Oprah's head (full of highs), here's a video to bring you back down and possibly push you into a midday depression. You can always count on me to ruin your day.

This is a news story out of Mobile (awww), Alabama about Callie Mae, the "I Have No Legs" cat who is looking for a good home. Somebody needs to introduce Callie Mae to the Bionic Pussy. They have some shit to talk about. "Yes, cats talk!" - Jennifer Aniston and me

via Videogum

Thanks to Rich at FourFour for going through hours upon hours of magical footage of Detective La Toya to put together this supercut of her giggling throughout the years. We should all sign a "Get Well Soon" card for him later, because I'm pretty sure he's hiding under the stairs and scratching at his ears while mumbling to the wall, "Get the giggle out! Get the giggle out!"

I would polish Detective La Toya's monocle with my own tongue if she asked me to, but I have to say that this video should be used as a torture device. I kept waiting for La Toya to turn to the camera and say, "I'm Talking La Toya...and I'm going to kill you."

What in the hell are they putting in Centrum Silver?! Just watching Grandma Tracy bust her bones and pop her hip is giving me arthritis in my eyelids. I can't even do the Cabbage Patch without stopping for a water break, and this memaw is going off like she doesn't know what a sciatica is. And she's doing it all while wearing a fanny pack.

This just confirms that fanny packs are made of magic. Or it just confirms that Grandma Tracy keeps her speed (cut with Dulcolax) in her fanny pack.

via Videogum

It's been a while since we've had a serving of Simon Cowell's fluffy chest pies, but here he is bringing them to the table. Somebody better put a hand towel under Ryan Gaycrest's booster seat, because this is going to start a flood.

Simon took his luscious drops of heaven and 8-lane happy highway for a walk in Nice, France, where he's vacationing on a fancy yacht with his fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy. Simon's Alfala-like part in his hair has got me thinking if the carpet matches the drapes? Like I need to ask. You know that right after Simon kisses each of his nipples first thing in the morning, he meticulously parts his pube bush with a Barbie comb.

That being said, I still would. Well, you could exfoliate your skin while motorboating Simon! Dude has got loofah titties!

Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband, because reindeers are stealing errybody around here!

via Jezebel