There's a bunch of saved episodes of TLC's Gypsy Sisters in my Tivo and I have yet to watch one, but I'm going to chain myself to the TV and watch them all in a row. I could learn a thing or fifty from these graceful flowers on how to carry yourself with grace and poise, and how to always buy the finest clothes that a shoebox full of unmarked bills can buy.
In case you missed Sunday's episode, here's 23-year-old knocked up gypsy bride Mellie Stanley trying on a dress that is so delicately luxurious that if Snooki ever births out a guidetteling, her daughter will wear a copy of this dress to her first communion. Mellie looks like one of Teresa Giudice's shower puffs. A vision!
If you're getting married soon and want to be the true definition of understated elegance, make sure your dress is covered in leopard print, hot pink ruffles and tacky ass crystals. Make sure you look like a crash site where a bus carrying child beauty queens smashed into a semi carrying fine goods from Z Gallerie.
These gypsy brides just keep outdoing each other and I can't wait until one of them shows up to her wedding wearing nothing but a bedazzled pussy patch and two tiny veils over her nips.
via Daily Mail
The world isn't right unless "Leather Queen" by the Mary Jane Girls blasts out of someone's car whenever Justin Theroux and his 24-year-old hipster little brother Sebastian strut their leather-covered asses down the street.
Here's Justin and his brother Sebastian in NYC yesterday looking like the kind of bikers who always carry a small cordless flat iron and a tiny jar of pomade in their pockets, because the wind is a bitch and always knocks their locks out of place. I'd like to think that Justin and Sebastian strapped on their leather jackets to pay tribute to the fallen leather gay bar Rawhide. Their tribute isn't complete unless at least one of them is wearing a studded leather jock strap and a sphincter ring. (Tip of the hour: Don't check Google images for "sphincter piercing.")
I've only played the knife game with the eraser end of a pencil, because I'm not that bold and I don't want to stab my finger unless Anderson Cooper is saying to me, "I'll give you a naked hung from behind if you stab your finger." But this Norwegian girl is way bolder than me. She conquers the knife game while singing the knife game song. My whole body clenched while watching this and I think she nicked her thumb at the end and she's still happy! This is like the anti-Emo version of cutting.
Ben Affleck took a pair of clippers to his bushy man beard in the hallway of a post-Oscars party right after he won for Argo, because he saw it as his lucky charm and he didn't need it anymore. Ben Affleck also shaved that thing, because do you know how annoying and hard it is to wash out the crotch juices of your side pieces from your beard in a gas station bathroom before you go home? It's the worst. So Ben Affleck shaved his beard off and showed off his freshly shaven face in L.A. yesterday.
Finally, Ben Affleck is letting his glorious butt chin be great. I don't even care that he didn't wax that shit completely, because I like a little butt chin stubble. Don't you just want to squirt a little pina colada lube on his butt chin and lick it off? The Town was his greatest work, because watching his butt chin rub against Blake NotSoLively's butt chin was like watching two bossy bottoms bump b-holes.
And Ben is working those plugs!
It's my version of the Four Horsemen: Tara Reid, Jedward, and UGGGGHHHHs. RUN!
Looking like David Lynch's surrealist horror remake of Threesome, Tara Reid, Jedward and way too many horrific pairs of Uggs all terrorized (or you can read that as "tarrarized" if you need more servings of puns today) The Grove in L.A. the other day. I never know what to make of their friendship and I don't even want to know they get into when they turn off the lights, turn on the strobe light and pull out the kiddie pool full of Jell-O Jigglers.
I guess this is what Alice, Tweedledum and Tweedledee would look like if the Mad Hatter served meth at his parties.
If the next set of pictures that come out aren't of Justin Bieber's traveling nanny running after him with a fresh pair of purple leopard Pamper pants, a tub of Baby Wipes and a tube of Desitin, she's SO fired. Her one job is to change his diaper pants when the load is sagging so low that it's practically sweeping against the ground and she can't even do that!
Justin Bieber left his hotel in London yesterday wearing the douchiest outfit I've ever seen. I live in L.A. AND I've been to Vegas several times, so I know what I'm talking about. He looks like LMFAO's studded butt tampon. Now we know why the Biebs and Jaden Smith are friends. Biebs doesn't want to be friends with Jaden, he's just using Jaden to get his hands on Will Smith's Fresh Prince of Bel Air outfits.
Dude looks like the lost white member of Salt-N-Pepa and I don't mean that in a good way. The Biebs needs to look closely at one of his two watches, because it's about that time for him to take a potty training class at The Learning Annex.
The word DOUCHE was stamped onto James Franco's forehead for the ten millionth time this weekend after he screwed up at the Daytona 500. Because Disney waved the biggest check at those hos, James Franco was named the Grand Marshal of the Daytona 500 and he got to do the whole "gentlemen, start your engines" thing at the beginning of the race. James told reporters at a press conference before the race that he was planning on saying something special since Danica Patrick was in the race and was the first woman in history to start from the pole in a Cup race. James Franco should've taken a tip from RuPaul and started the race by saying:
"Gentlemen, start your engines. And may the best WOMAN win!"
But instead, James Franco's tongue fumbled as he said this:
"Drivers.....and Danica, start your engines!"
Some people think that James meant to say "lady and gentlemen" and messed up. Other thinks that James meant to say "drivers, start your engines" and messed up. I think that we shouldn't try to analyze one of James Franco's works. Our simple minds are not capable of understanding the complex brilliance of James Franco. It's just not possible!
You know what else I can't understand? I can't understand how James Franco left the Sun-In in his hair too long. Everybody knows that you can't leave Sun-In in too long or it'll turn your hair all brassy and red and shit. How can I take James Franco seriously as a GENIUS if he can't even Sun-In his hair right?
No, Parasite Hilton did not go barefoot at Elton John's Oscar viewing party last night. This is Jim Carrey wearing some hot Hobbit feet shoes last night. Hopefully, Jim Carrey sends them to Quentin Tarantino as a congratulations gift (along with a bottle of toe jam-flavored lube), because the things QT will do to these things. They're extra veiny for QT's pleasure.
I'm hoping you have already put your TV in the bathroom and filled your tub with the sweet nectar of choice, because it's going to be a loooooooong night. Just get into that tub and drink until this mess is over. Deadline says that it could go way over and hit the 4 hour mark. If Anne Hathaway wins (which she will), the show is going to last a few days, because she's never going to leave the stage. They can turn the dogs on drop an anvil on her head, but she's not going anywhere. She's going to tie two 20 ton weights to her ankles and not move. Her speech is going to last longer than the movie she was in.
Anyway, this is your open post for the Oscars and I'm going to dip in every now and again to dribble out my drunken thoughts. I was going to say that we should come up with a drinking game, but we should probably just drink continuously, because that's the only way we'll be able to deal with Anne Hathaway's speech.
And here's my already best dressed of the night Brandi Glanville. Brandi is there as ABC's fashion correspondent, which totally makes sense. Because a demure flower who wears a dress that crushes her plastic vein balls IS a fashion authority.
During an interview with Rotten Tomatoes, Ryan Gosling showed Grae Drake how to gracefully fist someone and then he made nipples swoon by busting into a giggle fit when she brought out a Hey, Girl dish towel. I think he let out a little pee during his laugh fit and it's still adorable. To apologize to the world for giving us the diarrhea puddle that is Gangster Squad, Ryan should get into a shirtless giggle-off with Anderson Cooper. It's what the world NEEDS.