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White smoke poured out of the Sistine Chapel a few minutes ago and usually that means the cardinals are hot boxing again, but today it means that they told all the other pope wannabes to sashay away, because they have chosen the new head bitch of the Catholic Church. The new pope will show his or her (I'm still hoping it's Joan Collins) face sometime in the next hour. Lock up your altar boys!

And couldn't they bedazzle that chimney or silver leaf it for the occasion? That shit is dreadful.

UPDATE: The dude who beat the other contestants in a dance-off, bikini contest and knife fight is 76-year-old Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina.

Dude is the first Latin-American pope and the first pope from the new world. He's going to go by Francis I. Bergoglio Pope Francis the First from now on. And in case it wasn't already obvious, he's anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion. But more importantly, would you hit it? I refuse to answer that question myself until I see what this old queen looks like in Prada loafers.

Behold, a real star! The young hos of Hollywood need to take note. This is how glamour is done. If you're not wearing a fluffed-up wig, tear drop-shaped rhinestones sunglasses and a 90s dress that was probably once worn by Zelma Davis from C+C Music Factory, then you're doing it wrong. 67-year-old Debbie Harry posed next to Susan Sarandon and Padma Lakshmi at the 5th Annual Blossom Ball in NYC and showed everyone that she still has it and more. I don't even care that those shorty sleeves look like disco beer cozies. Give them some chichis, flash those corn kernel teeth and put all those young bitches to bed, Debbie.

On Friday, we were all hit with a gut full of rhythm from a Speedo-wearing Russian twirler. I didn't think we'd see moves like that for a long time, but I was wrong, because here's a memaw showing us all that her Ensure brings all the boys to the yard. Chelsey Feole was waiting for her Nana Feole in her car and when she blasted "Runaround Sue," her nana came out and laid down her moves right there on the pavement. Homegirl did the shoulder roll and the hip bump. You know a memaw is getting serious when she puts down her pocket book.

Nana Feole could dance all fucking day and I could watch Nana Feole dance all fucking day.

via Jezebel

I don't know if it's temporary and I don't know if it's real, but I definitely know that every time Harry Styles takes his shirt off, he's going to find Mariah Carey stuck to his chest. Like a moth to a flame = Like a Mimi to a butterfly. Harry better keep a net on him at all times, because Mimi will try to mate with that thing.

Harry Styles apparently got Mimi's family crest inked onto his toro and the picture of new his tattoo was found on the Flickr page of tattoo artist Liam Sparks. It's since been deleted, but Harry's spokeswhore tells E! that it's definitely Harry in the picture.

See, this is what happens when you date Taylor Swift. Harry has definitely had way too much Taylor Swift in his life. Lying on her pirate ship bed and staring up at her ceiling mural of butterflies got to him. It's only a matter of time before Harry Styles gets the Lisa Frank logo tattooed on his ass lips.

Well, at least this Silence of the Lambs tattoo has made Harry's ship tattoo feel better about itself. It's no longer the dumbest tattoo on Harry's body. And I wish that we could fast forward 40 years to see what Harry's reverse tramp stamp looks like. It'll probably look like a wilted moth dying in a puddle of pudding.

Here's Wayne Gretzky's daughter and unpaid Instagram bikini model Paulina Gretzky squeezing her puppy with her puppies chichis while hanging out with her boyfriend on the beach in Miami yesterday. I don't know if that puppy is making a "you jealous?" face or if her puppy is making a "fuck my life" face while trying to squeeze out a pee stream to show her the dangers of hugging your furry friend with your tits. Probably the latter.

Let's all have a seat against the wall and let this Speedo-wearing ball of YES take the dance floor and show us how to really move like there's no tomorrow. He's got a potbelly full of hot moves and he's not afraid to let 'em out. You haven't seen the true definition of Gone with the Wind fabulous until you've seen a grown Russian man in a Speedo twirl, swirl and twirl again. This is the same dance that John Travolta does when Kelly Preston tells him that she's going out for the night. It's like getting eye fucked by a rainbow.

via dpaf

Eurovision hasn't even started yet and it's officially over, because every European country will pull their entries now that the legendary Bonnie Tyler has been chosen to sing the UK's entry. Bonnie sings a song that sounds like something you'd hear during the end credits of a straight-to-DVD Disney movie and the video looks like a commercial for Estroven. Everything is perfect including Bonnie who looks like a Bride of Chucky pantyhose doll. Get into Bonnie as her face frantically searches for the light, because she knows that her soft L'eggs skin must be clearly be seen by all.

This song = total eclipse of the competition.

via The Telegraph (Thanks, Kim!)

There's a bunch of saved episodes of TLC's Gypsy Sisters in my Tivo and I have yet to watch one, but I'm going to chain myself to the TV and watch them all in a row. I could learn a thing or fifty from these graceful flowers on how to carry yourself with grace and poise, and how to always buy the finest clothes that a shoebox full of unmarked bills can buy.

In case you missed Sunday's episode, here's 23-year-old knocked up gypsy bride Mellie Stanley trying on a dress that is so delicately luxurious that if Snooki ever births out a guidetteling, her daughter will wear a copy of this dress to her first communion. Mellie looks like one of Teresa Giudice's shower puffs. A vision!

If you're getting married soon and want to be the true definition of understated elegance, make sure your dress is covered in leopard print, hot pink ruffles and tacky ass crystals. Make sure you look like a crash site where a bus carrying child beauty queens smashed into a semi carrying fine goods from Z Gallerie.

These gypsy brides just keep outdoing each other and I can't wait until one of them shows up to her wedding wearing nothing but a bedazzled pussy patch and two tiny veils over her nips.

via Daily Mail

The world isn't right unless "Leather Queen" by the Mary Jane Girls blasts out of someone's car whenever Justin Theroux and his 24-year-old hipster little brother Sebastian strut their leather-covered asses down the street.

Here's Justin and his brother Sebastian in NYC yesterday looking like the kind of bikers who always carry a small cordless flat iron and a tiny jar of pomade in their pockets, because the wind is a bitch and always knocks their locks out of place. I'd like to think that Justin and Sebastian strapped on their leather jackets to pay tribute to the fallen leather gay bar Rawhide. Their tribute isn't complete unless at least one of them is wearing a studded leather jock strap and a sphincter ring. (Tip of the hour: Don't check Google images for "sphincter piercing.")

I've only played the knife game with the eraser end of a pencil, because I'm not that bold and I don't want to stab my finger unless Anderson Cooper is saying to me, "I'll give you a naked hung from behind if you stab your finger." But this Norwegian girl is way bolder than me. She conquers the knife game while singing the knife game song. My whole body clenched while watching this and I think she nicked her thumb at the end and she's still happy! This is like the anti-Emo version of cutting.

via Gawker