Open Post

And now here's the true definition of "pussy whipped."

When the cats take over the world and make dogs their slaves, this is what it's going to look like. I bow down to our pussy overlords. But more importantly, where can I get a dog-walking cat, because I need one of those.

via HuffPo

And here's a priceless picture of Mark-Paul Gosselaar clenching his nalgas and giving us his O face while shooting scenes with Breckin Meyer for their show Franklin & Bash in Malibu yesterday. Since my brain is powered by dirty gutter water and weed smoke, to me it looks like he's trying to blow that ball. It's like a scene straight out of a Cast Away parody porn.

I don't exactly know what's going on in these pictures, but I like all of it. Zack Morris, who's the kind of panty creamer who gets hotter as the days go by, looks like he's having sweaty ass sex with a ghost. He's doing all sorts of positions on that beach. He's doing the side fuck position, he's doing the "wrap your legs around that waist and hold on tight" position and he's doing this position, which I can't put into words. Get it and take it all, Zack Morris.

Let's all take a little time out from being bitches to awwwww all over more pictures from the Brooklyn set of Animal Practice of 2013's couple of the year: Tom Hardy and his pit bully puppy. Actually, these pictures make me want to be a bigger bitch, but I don't know who to be a bitch toward: the pit bull puppy for getting to lick on Tom Hardy's triple stuffed sausage lips or Tom Hardy for getting to hug that puppy. Let's just be bitches toward that jacket for getting to be near both of them. I hate that jacket.

I don't know if this is an auction, but I'm still raising my paddle, because I will sell my entire family, all of my internal organs and my burned DVD copies of the entire season of Titans for just a one-minute pony rode with Dlisted's favorite artist Pricasso!

Pricasso is the artiste who paints masterpieces with his peen and he's also the one who's wearing the same outfit you wore to work today. If you're in Sydney, the weekend forecast is calling for a 100% of precipitation in your panties, because Pricasso is there doing what he does best at Sexpo 2013. Giddyup!

And who knew that My Buddy's grandpa was a world famous artist and legendary panty creamer?

Here's Michael Assbender acting all coy with a blond chick after leaving Groucho Club in London last night. They're doing that flirty dance a lot of drunken hos do right before they're about to have 3-second sex in the stairwell of one of their apartment buildings. If you see homegirl squat walking out of his building and you see him covered in orange paint, you know they both got some.

I know I should be squinting my eyes to see if I can make out a peen print on Assbender's crotch, but I'm too busy wondering why he went to the club dressed like he's just going to the corner store to pick up some cigs. This reminds me of the time I showed up to some internet date's apartment and he told me he would have to cancel the restaurant reservations he made, because I wasn't dressed right. Stupid bitch. It's not like we were going to some fancy place like Outback, we were just going to some taco place. Some picky queens just don't appreciate a Hypercolor t-shirt and B.U.M. Equipment sweats. Besides, who dresses up for an internet date? You're just there to eat a quick appetizer and get it on real fast so you can be home in time to watch a re-run of The Nanny on Nick at Nite.

Tom Hardy and the pit bull puppy (I think it's the same one) are back, but they left the sweater at home and brought Noomi Rapace with them instead. Tom, the future Oscar-winning pit bull and Noomi all shot scenes for Animal Rescue at a Petland Discounts in Brooklyn the other day. IMDB says that Animal Rescue is a "crime-drama centered around a lost pit bull, a wannabe scam artist, and a killing." Let's just pretend that plot summary is a decoy and it's really about a man (Tom Hardy) who rescues a pit bull puppy (that puppy) and then sets up a puppy cam for it. The rest of the movie is just scenes from the puppy cam and every 30 seconds or so, Tom Hardy will dance naked in the background. Throw in a soundtrack by ABBA and that's the perfect movie.

While gold digger champion Elin Nordegren works on getting her next 9-figure divorce settlement, her ex-husband Tiger Woods is humping on gold medal-winning champion skier Lindsey Vonn. After bumping nipples for a few weeks, Tiger announced on his Facebook page today that he is dating Lindsey Vonn, who sort of looks like Sharon Stone's homely younger sister, and he posted a bunch of awkward pictures of them being awkward together. I've seen Olan Mills portrait sessions that look more natural than this shit and I looked less awkward on first grade picture day (and I had the serious runs on that day)! Tiger Woods also wrote this message:

This season has been great so far and I'm happy with my wins at Torrey and Doral. Something nice that's happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, but over the last few months we have become very close and are now dating. We thank you for your support and for respecting our privacy. We want to continue our relationship, privately, as an ordinary couple and continue to compete as athletes.

Yes, please respect the privacy of a private couple who announces they're dating on Facebook by posting a staged photo shoot that both of their publicists had to approve. But it was nice of Tiger to share these pictures with everyone. I mean, the tabloids are going to need a picture to put on their covers when they break up after Lindsey catches his wandering dick in a Waffle House waitresses' snatch and chases him out of their home with a golf club.

And now here's a puppy who's learning the hard way that catching is hard. I shouldn't even hate on this puppy's shitty catching skills, because if this puppy and I were in 7th grade P.E. together, he'd get picked for a baseball team before me. No truer words have ever been typed before.

This post is dedicated to veteran Dlister Christine the Hoff who loved a puppy video more than me, would've easily beat me in a cat fight for the affections of Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty and who used to send me the funniest e-mails about that crazy, diaper-wearing astronaut bitch. Rest in peace, CTH. You will be missed.

The title alone should've made the charred block of ground bitterness in your chest beat just once. I was going to post pictures of Kim Kardashian looking like OctoMom trapped in a parachute, but who needs to look at that kind of fuckery when you can look at a bunch of pug puppies losing their eyeballs while getting a bubble bath instead. Their bulging eyes! Their bubble beards! They're the most adorable little meth heads ever. And I bet that when you blow weed smoke in Justin Bieber's face, he looks exactly like a pug puppy getting blow dried.

via Buzzfeed

Tip: If you're ever on Cavill Avenue in Australia's Surfers Paradise and really want to act like a twat by wet willying a human statue, make sure to put on a hockey mask before you do so. Because the human statues do not play around and they will come alive to bash your nose in. End of tip!

via Gawker