When I woke up this morning, I was hung all the way over, I was bloated from eating Peeps wrapped in slices of maple glazed-ham and my nostrils were filled with dried snot plugs from allergies. But when I saw this at Buzzfeed and hit play, my head cleared and I could breathe again. This gay Brazilian twerk team cured me! They knocked my hangover out of me with their paddle ball asses!
This shit is mesmerizing and should be an Olympic sport. But if twerking was an Olympic sport, Scientology would probably win the gold. Because John Travolta, Tommy Girl and David Miscavige shake their asses more than this when they're trying to get the sex juices out of their butts after a particularly messy Scientology-sponsored orgy.
And here's the porn iguana inhaling meth-laced baby carrots and wishing all of us a Hoppy Easter. Yes, Jesus came back to life for this. Hoppy Easter, I guess. But I really don't want to know where her crusty oatmeal-faced husband hid his eggs this year. No.
Last year, Macaulay Culkin was looking like a 75-year-old zombie version of Rickety Cricket from It's Always Sunny and now here he is looking healthier in Paris last night. Macaulay and a hot, stached man friend hugged and kissed on each other while making cakes at the opening night of the 50th Foire du Trone. These pictures are several layers of what? I don't really know what's going on in these pictures, I don't know why Macaulay's man friend looks like he just inhaled a whole lot of dirty ass and I don't know how I feel about Macaulay looking like a skinny Tyler Durden.
Oh whatever, I'd still hit it. Hell, I'd hit every single dude in every single one of these pictures, especially the dude in this picture who looks like a wonk-eyed komodo dragon that's about to attack.
I've always said that the most magical and powerful things happen in the parking lot of the Food Lion in Richmond, VA. Steven Seagal can finally retire, because Kung-Fu Pepaw's got this. And Morgan Freeman can finally retire as the narrator of our lives, because the genius narrating this video's got this. Shake it off.... Shake. It. Off.....
If Fatty Arbuckle was resurrected to star in a reboot of Ocean's 11, this is what it would look like.
The police in Redding, CA are asking the public to be on the lookout for a thieving buffoon with a gunt like no other. (Side note: Nothing will make you feel secure in the police like them asking you to help them catch a complete idiot.) The FUPA Bandit's streak of terror began earlier this month when he tried to rob Kent Market. After casing the joint (he probably saw that on a TruTV movie), he put on a masterful disguise (a pantyhose mask) and threw a rock at the glass door. The alarm went off and the Benny Hill music started playing. He ran off, tripped, got up, pulled up his pajama pants and kept on a running. When he pulled up his pajama pants, I fell in love.
If the police really wanted to catch him, they'd just set up a sting operation (a sub sandwich on a park bench). No, he'd never fall for it. He's a professional criminal. Dude is such a master of disguise that I bet that's not even a home grown front butt. It's probably a pillow baby. Oh, shit. Beyonce should check her closet right about now.
Since you can't resurrect Michelangelo from the dead to get him to paint a fresco mural on the beige wall in the living room of your condo, you should get the next most artistic thing: a life-size Courtney Stodden wall sticker! I didn't even know shit like that existed, but it does. E! says that some store called The Blown Up is selling $50 self-adhesive wall stickers of the porn iguana in various states of elegance.
The Blown Up store doesn't say if these stickers are wipeable, but I'm assuming they are, because they're going to be all the rage at every frat house glory hole. But you can also use these porn iguana wall stickers for other things too. You can use one as an alarm clock. Just stick it to your bedroom ceiling and when you open your eyes in the morning and stare at it, you'll jump out of your bed while screaming for Jesus. You can also stick one on your bathroom wall. It'll inspire you to scrub your skin off with a Chore Boy until you hit the bone. If you put one on your refrigerator, you'll never eat food again. It's the perfect diet tool.
Just make sure you coat your wall with a thick layer of liquid antibiotics before you stick one on.
And I'll pass, but poke at me when a wipeable Prince Hot Ginge wall-sticker comes out.
Whatever ailments you have, lay them on the screen and you will be magically healed! Just ignore the fact that he's wearing a RiRi t-shirt (yes, I'm side-eying RiRi's side-eye) and be thankful that we're finally getting a Harvey Price sighting. This is more rare and magical than seeing a triple rainbow, a tub of Tagalongs ice cream in my grocer's freezer (I can't find that shit anywhere) or Beyonce without her wig on. Praise Katie Price's fame whoring ways!
While looking like a beaten down My Little Porny, Katie Price posed in another one of her signature photocalls of foolery to promote her line of horse products. Katie Price can do herself up like a Sweet Valley raver ballerina cuntaur on acid and Harvey Price still gets all the attention just by being Harvey Price.
And these pictures would've been so much better (and they would've ended up in every museum) if Harvey Price rode side saddle.
No, these aren't pictures from the set of the Legally Blonde prequel starring Jennifer Lawrence as a young version of Jennifer Coolidge's character. These are pictures of Jennifer Lawrence on the set of that David O. Russell movie about the Abscam operation in Boston. Jennifer plays Christian Bale's wife, so she's the lucky young bitch who gets to lick his stick-on beard.
Didn't Jennifer Lawrence wear this same hairstyle at the end of Silver Linings Playbook too? Well, we already know that David O. Russell has a serious Jennifer Lawrence fetish and now we know that he also has a serious fetish for 70s updos that are held together with at least 3 cans of Miss Breck hairspray.
And Jennifer Lawrence should always wear her hair like this, because the Ellen Barkin in Drop Dead Gorgeous look IS the look.
And now here's the true definition of "pussy whipped."
When the cats take over the world and make dogs their slaves, this is what it's going to look like. I bow down to our pussy overlords. But more importantly, where can I get a dog-walking cat, because I need one of those.
And here's a priceless picture of Mark-Paul Gosselaar clenching his nalgas and giving us his O face while shooting scenes with Breckin Meyer for their show Franklin & Bash in Malibu yesterday. Since my brain is powered by dirty gutter water and weed smoke, to me it looks like he's trying to blow that ball. It's like a scene straight out of a Cast Away parody porn.
I don't exactly know what's going on in these pictures, but I like all of it. Zack Morris, who's the kind of panty creamer who gets hotter as the days go by, looks like he's having sweaty ass sex with a ghost. He's doing all sorts of positions on that beach. He's doing the side fuck position, he's doing the "wrap your legs around that waist and hold on tight" position and he's doing this position, which I can't put into words. Get it and take it all, Zack Morris.