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It's like one of Paris Hilton's labia lumps come to life and starring in a revue as a California Raisin. WHY!!!!?!!!?!!!! This dude has a zillion videos on his YouTube account that are just like this. Don't click over there unless you want to enter a world where the ocean is made of your own vomit and the sky is the color of your bloody tears. Before watching this mess, hold your tongue down with a Popsicle stick, because you might bite it off.

How will I close my eyes tonight?! Even piles of Ambien won't help me escape the image of this raisinhead convulsing like Gene Simmons' tongue during cunnilingus. Speaking of Gene Simmons, here's another one for you to file away in the folder marked DARK-SIDEDNESS.

VIA Videogum

Mel Gibson was at the Today show this morning to shoot more scenes from that beaver movie with Cherry Jones (who recently broke up with her main beaver -- sad face), Jodie Foster and Matt Lauer. I'm sure human resources was on hand to make sure Matt Lauer kept his hairy beaver jokes to himself. Matt's "sexual harassment" file is way too thick for another complaint.

You know, this is the happiest I've seen Mel in a long time. Usually, dude has the grouches in a serious way. Either Mel's body is attached to a catheter filled with blessed bourbon, or he just really loves having a beaver attached to his hand at all times. I'm going to go with the latter, because Mel loves it that he has finally found a beaver that won't/can't run away from him.

100-year-old Ruth Frith proved that great memaws still know how to handle a heavy ball. At yesterday's World Masters Games in Sydney, Ruth won the gold medal in shot put after she threw the ball 4.07m. Ruth, who was the oldest chick at the games, was the only one to compete in the women's 100 to 104 aged shot-put, but she still threw that ball like it belonged to Jon Gosselin. Ruth said, "I only had to turn up to win the medal, but that wasn't going to be good enough for me. I had to show everyone that I could still do it."

In order to get her bones ready for the event, Ruth bench pressed 35k weights 5 days a week. Ruth doesn't let any of the sweet nectar pass her lips and she stays away from ciggies. Ruth also puts up a stop sign when it comes to vegetables. When asked what her secret to staying so active is, Ruth said, "Don't eat vegetables, because I never eat vegetables. I know people that like diets that will scream at me, (but) don't eat vegetables. I never have."

Not only is Ruth an expert ball-thrower, but she's also the wisest person I know through the internet. I've been trying to find a reason for becoming a sugartarian, and now I have finally found it! When my doctor asks me why my skin is grey, I will tell him that Memaw Ruth has advised me keep all vegetables away from my plate. The only green thing I need goes in a bong. Memaw Ruth for Queen of the Wooooorld!

According to me, you haven't lived until you've eaten a Krispy Kreme cheeseburger. According to Shepherd Smith, you won't live after eating a Kristy Kreme cheeseburger. Who knew suicide could be so delicious?

On his show the other night, Shep couldn't believe that such evil could exist on this planet. Shep thinks that eating one of these things is like getting "in a car chase and running out and acting like you're gonna shoot somebody and then a cop would kill you.” Based on that thought, I think Shep might have liquefied a KK cheeseburger and snorted it up before he went on the air.

I'm not trying to make a joke here, but when they cut to the KK cheeseburger and cut back to Shep's face, it took me a second to realize I wasn't looking at the same thing anymore. Separated at birth!

VIA Joe. My. God.

Go ahead and pick up your genitals off the floor before reading on. Make sure to dust them off first.

So, sometimes justice is not served. For instance, take the case of the thong-wearing bicycle-riding pepawpaw of Tallahassee, FL. 55-year-old Richard Irby was busted after residents at a trailer park complained about him walking around in spandex panties with his limpy peenus out. Richard was charged with indecent exposure and a judge told him he can no longer ride around town with his wrinkly pancakes hanging out. Richard has to wear shorts that come down to his knees.

This is what I don't get. Lady CaCa is allowed to sashay through the streets of the world with her dick hanging out and you don't see her getting arrested! Yes, the sight of this bald bear with his belly bouncing around may give you cotton mouth in the vagina, but if he wants to do dry anal with a bike seat out in public, that's his RIGHT!

And the city of Tallahassee should be thankful that they don't have (NSFL) this piping hot grandpa with a mutant peen roaming their streets. Seriously, ole' dude's wang could star in a remake of Tremors.

During one of the pole dancing championships in Moscow, a pole artiste proved how powerful her pussay was by breaking the pole. "Breaking the pole" is not some kind of pun for how she destroyed peen boners in the room. No, bitch really broke the pole! They must have secured it with two pieces of chewed gum and a dab of dick saliva, because the pole came loose when she started twirling around it. Being the professional that she is, she didn't kick that pole or call 911, she simply posed like she meant to do that. Break the pole, but don't break your spirit!

Speaking of pole breakers, here's a little piece a few of you hos sent my ass. I have for you a Glittery Gay of YouTube poppin' that ass like he's got ants in his culo. I'm jealous. You know shakin' those nalgas on fast forward has made his peen all dizzy and shit. Vertigo dick!

The Three Wolf Moon tattoo is even more magical and mystical than the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. I'm sure it can make vaginas disappear from the room in a flash.

And I guess I have to nix my plans to get a Three Wolf Moon tattoo on my ass. Actually, it was just going to be three howling wolves since I've been told that my no-no looks just like a moon. Well, a moon that has been attacked by several atomic bombs.

VIA Reddit (Thanks Cherrybombed)

Billy Goat Brad should immediately hand over the keys to his hat closet to Shiloh, because she wears them better than his ass does! Only kiddies can get away with wearing fedoras and t-shirts with ties. When you're an adult dressing like this, your name is probably Avril Lavigne.

I'm all for letting children wear whatever the hell they want. Let them handle it. When I was a kid, my mother allowed me to be my own stylist. That explains why I usually walked around in terry cloth shorty shorts and a He-Man tank top (cut to me present day wearing terry cloth shorty shorts and a He-Man tank top).

Here's St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh running off to the grocery store in France. You know that before they left the house Maddox had to OK all of their outfit choices.

On the last episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Big Poppa was the latest ho to butt fuck the sanctity of marriage by asking Kim Zolciak to be his wife. Big Poppa gave her a giant ring he probably bought in the twilight hours from QVC. Well, that shit didn't last and now Kim is Big Poppa-less again!

Since she's on the lookout for another sponsor to keep her eyelids decorated with the finest plastic tarantulas at The Dollar Tree, Kim had lunch with The Millionaire Matchmaker (aka Patti Stanger) at THE LOOK AT ME DINER in West Hollywood yesterday.

You know, Patti is really picky when it comes to the hair of a gold digger, so I wonder what she had to say about the Barbie cemetery on Kim's head.

By the way, if you take a loooong bong hit and squint your eyes, these two look like Rodney Dangerfield (rip) and Quentin Tarantino in drag.

Here's Tommy Girl on the Boston set of his movie Wichita making the same face he makes when Will Smith accidentally drops a major butt queef during a salad tossing.

Tommy was joined by a much more talented and sane co-star. Hopefully, that dog stayed away from Tommy at the craft service table. I have a feeling that Tommy is on the prowl for a new beard. I really don't want to see that furry dog friend shuffling around like a robot zombie while wearing rolled-up jeans. But I have a feeling that dog knows better. The look on his face in the picture above totally says: "I wonder how hurt I will get if I jump away from this crazy bitch?"