To answer the question filling your head right now, yes, ScarJo paid actual money for this. She didn't trade it for a half-pack of Reds, a blow job in the prison showers and a pouch of mackerel.
Remember in the 90s when some hos spent more money on fancy jeans that were torn and made to look like they were ripped off of a dead drifter found in a ditch? That's the look ScarJo was going for when she paid French tattoo artiste Fuzi Uvtpk to scribble that horseshoe tattoo on her body. Fuzi's known for his prison-style tattoos and people pay a lot of money to look like Pookie gave them a tattoo with a safety pin and BIC ink.
ScarJo should've done what I did in the 90s when I wanted those fancy jeans but didn't want to spend the cash for them. I put an old pair of Lee's on a drifter, killed the drifter, left the drifter in a ditch and came back a week later to collect my new fancy-made jeans. No, I just cut holes in an old pair of jeans before rolling that shit in a patch of dirt. I made those fancy jeans myself and ScarJo could've gotten that tattoo for a lot less. A strung out monkey sitting on a Sybian could've given her that same tattoo and he would've done it for a banana and a dirty needle. I swear, rich people.
(Pics via The World's Best Ever)
The Headline of the Day Award goes to People for this chin grease-covered, highly important gem: Honey Boo Boo Gets A Pet Chicken!
And the next Headline of the Day Award will also go to People for this headline: Nugget Goes Missing, Mama June Incapable Of Commenting Since She's Got A Mouth Full of Feathers.
(Pic of Honey Boo Boo and Glitzy's replacement via Facebook)
TLC knows just what I need to hold me over while I'm waiting for new episodes of future Nobel Peace Prize-winning show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and that scripted dramedy Breaking Amish. This weekend, they'll show a one-hour special about mega cougars and the cubs (Note: I think one of them is an actual cub, because the fur patches on his shoulders tell me so.) who love them. This might be the closest thing we'll ever get to a documentary about Madonna's love life.
TLC's Extreme Cougar Wives focus on three hot cougars: There's 76-year-old Hattie, the Blanche of her circle who is a denture-tooth tiger and loves to take off her teeth to get wild on a young piece. Hattie's nightstand cabinet is always stocked with KY and Ensure for energy (Sometimes she mixes 'em up and she no care. That's how kinky Hattie gets!), because she loves getting skin to skin. Then there's 65-year-old Stephanie and her 28-year-old piece Octavio. And finally, there's 53-year-old Jude and her 21-year-old boyfriend Kevin who she met when he dated her daughter 7 years ago. Nope, there's nothing awkward about licking the taint of a dude you used to make crackers and peanut butter for when he came over to hang out with your daughter after school.
Kevin's mom flips out in a totally natural and not-at-all scripted moment where he tells her how old his girlfriend is. I guess it's easier for Kevin to come out to his family about dating a cougar than it is for him to come out to them about sucking off Papa Joe for $600.
And I, for one, am glad that TLC keeps educating us on life's most important subjects.
So according to this PETA commercial, every dude who becomes a vegan will suddenly grow a bush of leafy pubes, a pair of lemon huevos and a gigantic cucumber dick that he'll wave at everyone while making douche faces. You'll be as hung the Jolly Green Giant. This is what Alicia Silverstone thinks of when she's getting down with her vibrating leaf.
Since I'm like the gay Big and forever 13 years old , I have to blow practically every zucchini I see. But now, how can I do that without thinking about this mess of an ad? PETA ruined zucchini blow jobs for everyone. Damn them.
Because there's so much ugliness on Dlisted today, here's a ginger gift for your eyes. Carrot Top, the torch that keeps thousands of crotches and Las Vegas glowing, is doing his part to find the cure for breast cancer by humping a sign, tongue banging the air and blowing pink pins at a Pinktober event in Vegas the other day.
You can't tell from this picture, but Carrot Top's team of security guards had to hold back dozens of men and women who kept trying to back up onto that tongue. Don't give me that "Unless, they're 8 feet tall, how can they back up onto that tongue?" shit. Because what do you think rolling ladders are for? Duh.
It's crap like this that actually makes me miss Skeletor.
JLo and her leased piece Casper Smart dressed up as hippies to celebrate Halloween in Düsseldorf, Germany and she posted all the gross pictures on her site. When are we going to get to the part where Casper puts out a rap song, gets dumped by JLo, gets super fat, goes on Celebrity Fit Club and then eventually moves to Chatsoworth, CA? Raid JLo's purse while you still can, Casper!
Don't tell me that JLo is making a heart with her hands. JLo is making a glory hole with her hands and she knows what Casper Smart does every time he sees a glory hole. He sticks his tongue in it hoping to find the tip of a peen on the other side. He won't find a peen tip this time. He'll just find JLo. What a tease that JLo is.
Just like I did once in 1988 (and 1998... and 1999... and 2000), Ellen DeGeneres dressed in drag for Shallowqueen and she did while getting a bonus check from Cover Girl. Ellen dropped a wig on her head and strapped on a peek-a-boo ass that looked more real than Kim Kardashian's to come out on stage as her fellow Cover Girl Sofia Vergara. I can already here one of my hating aunties saying that Ellen's accent sounds more authentic than Sofia's. My hating aunt is always saying shit like, "Sofia Vergara's accent is so fake! She is such a stereotype! She's so embarrassing! Now hold my plate of rice con frijoles so I can go dance barefoot in front of that mariachi band. Ayeyayyayayaya!"
And I'm not going to talk about those sneaker shoes. I'll talk about them when Brit Brit eventually wears them to go to Del Taco.
Noted Romney Girl Stacey Dash kept getting that free press by tweeting this picture of her with long lost Saved by the Bell character Paul Ryan. Why do they look like the king and queen of the 1992 Young Republican Prom who have reunited 20 years later and are handling their sexual tension by putting on awkward smiles? Those smiles. Those are some "I just farted, I know you can smell it and I'm not going to apologize" smiles.
Anyway, Stacey threw this picture up on Twitter and added the note: "Fighting the good fight. Godspeed." Okay, I'm all for Stacey fighting whatever fight she wants to fight, but can she please choose fightin' armor that she didn't buy at Deb Shops in 1996.
Hurricane Sandy (full name: Hurricane Sandra Lee) isn't going to get in the way of Trace Cyrus training for next year's Kentucky Derby! I think this is what Lindsay Lohan meant by being positive. Get high on bath salts, put on a horse mask and get some cardio in by going wild in the DC streets.
"Grace" and "subtle elegance" aren't words I'd normally use to describe a bunch of crazy Catholic fundamentalists protesting against gay adoption in Le Mans, France on Tuesday morning, but that's exactly what they gave us. Now we really know who did the dancing for Natalie Portman in Black Swan. It was Mo Rocca's homophobic French twin and here he is using the beautiful power of dance to protest against people saner than him giving children a home.
While wearing one of the Pope's old disco catsuits, the protester dances like an exquisite silver falcon who was just ran over by a truck, dragged 50 feet and then picked at by a family of wolves.
The dance is supposed to signify that only a heterosexual mother and a heterosexual father can make a grown man in a Spandex bodysuit spread his paper wings and pretend to fly with the help of their weird chanting. Or something like that. This is supposed to be a protest against gayness, but this is really an advertisement FOR gayness. It's the gayest thing to land on my eyeballs in a while and I've looked in the mirror twice today, so that's saying a lot. It's perfect. It's beautiful.
When dude starts twirling around in that silver bodysuit, millions of flecks of glittery gayness explodes into the universe. At that very moment, the phones of hundreds of gay couples rang and after they answered, they heard the words, "Your adoption application is approved!" This is a "Make It Rain Babies on Gay Couples" dance. I mean, if there was a gay stork, that's what he would look like.
And the only thing that would make this better is if after they start clapping at the very beginning, they bust into "Car Wash." Dude IS wearing the perfect outfit for it.