If you ever wanted to know what it would look like if Princess Lolly from Candyland grew up, ate all the lollies, developed an allergy to pants and then hooked up with a rapey walrus to do a low-budget version of Madonna's Vogue number from the 1990 VMAs, then click play to watch Cee-Lo Green and Xtina perform "Make the World Move" on The Voice last night. It's like battle of the fupas.
I watched most of it on mute and because of all the screaming, crotch fanning and squatting Xtina does, it looks like she's holding in her pee while having the worst genital wart breakout ever. ("How do you know what that looks like, Michael?" - you "Um, I do own a mirror." - me)
This is why there needs to be a kitten section in the Wimbledon stands. This video of kittens getting hypnotized by flying balls has already went viral and has over 150,000 views. If your dream is to go viral, smoke some human catnip (aka weed) and film a video called: Stoner Watching Kittens Watching Tennis. Make sure you sit in a furry fruit bowl while doing so.
This is the kind of magic that happens when you mix together a pre-Matt Lauer Today show, the 1980s and Florida. Today, Satan shows himself through Ke$hit's music and back in 1984, he showed himself through kitchen appliances. Before Richard Dominick produced The Jerry Springer, he gave television journalism its greatest moment when he interviewed the Florida beauty who had a love/hate relationship with her possessed toaster. Homegirl had the Regan MacNeil of toasters and didn't even mind it. Satan is totally an asshole, but he was a forward asshole, because he was showing himself in toast long before Jesus did.
And this is good news for those of us who have already earned a non-refundable ticket on Ninth Circle Airlines, because we now know that there's toast in Hell. Yay.
Because there's always someone younger, hungrier (for turkey) and with richer parents coming down the stairs after you, Rebecca Black is totally over and has been replaced by tweener Nicole Westbrook who isn't really excited about Friday, but she's REALLY excited about TANKSGIVING! Ark Music Factory, the minions of Satan who brought us Friday, are responsible for this latest attack on your nerves. This is pretty much a watered down carbon copy of Friday.
I take back my comment up there about how this girl's parents are richer than Rebecca's. Because this is one of the most broke down Thanksgiving dinners I've ever seen and this is coming from someone who once had pizza, chow mein and blueberry pie for Thanksgiving. Girl served some Easy Mac, boxed mashed potatoes, a rotisserie chicken and I don't even see a whole turkey. I just see drumsticks and she used one of them as a mic. This is why we don't put children in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. However, I will give homegirl points for those calla lily dining chairs. They really stole that scene.
And why is the only adult at that Thanksgiving dinner the dude from the Friday video and why is he wearing a turkey costume? Where are all these children's parents? Did their parents leave them in the care of a memaw babysitter who later died of a heart attack? I really feel like Christina Applegate should've made an appearance in this one.
The photo agency described these pictures like this:
Paz de la Huerta of 'Boardwalk Empire' arrives at the VIP grand opening of the H&M Lincoln Road Miami Store in Miami Beach, FL.
The only time I'd ever describe the opening of an H&M as a VIP event is if the VIP of all VIPs, Spaz de la Huerta, was there. Spaz has been missing in action ever since she resigned as the star of Boardwalk Empire, because the role no longer fulfilled her artistically (read: the bitch got fired), but she made a huge comeback to the spotlight at last night's H&M opening in Miami. Spaz's haters all got cotton mouth from gaping at her beauty and then she quenched their thirst by showering them with the grease that flies off of her body with every pose she makes.
Oh, and Spaz is not knocked up with the ghost spawn of ghost Elvis. Spaz says she doesn't have a case of the babies, it's just coke bloat or whatever. But please, Spaz is obviously knocked up. Bitch is pregnant with ten pounds of glamour and it's a kicker.
To answer the question filling your head right now, yes, ScarJo paid actual money for this. She didn't trade it for a half-pack of Reds, a blow job in the prison showers and a pouch of mackerel.
Remember in the 90s when some hos spent more money on fancy jeans that were torn and made to look like they were ripped off of a dead drifter found in a ditch? That's the look ScarJo was going for when she paid French tattoo artiste Fuzi Uvtpk to scribble that horseshoe tattoo on her body. Fuzi's known for his prison-style tattoos and people pay a lot of money to look like Pookie gave them a tattoo with a safety pin and BIC ink.
ScarJo should've done what I did in the 90s when I wanted those fancy jeans but didn't want to spend the cash for them. I put an old pair of Lee's on a drifter, killed the drifter, left the drifter in a ditch and came back a week later to collect my new fancy-made jeans. No, I just cut holes in an old pair of jeans before rolling that shit in a patch of dirt. I made those fancy jeans myself and ScarJo could've gotten that tattoo for a lot less. A strung out monkey sitting on a Sybian could've given her that same tattoo and he would've done it for a banana and a dirty needle. I swear, rich people.
(Pics via The World's Best Ever)
The Headline of the Day Award goes to People for this chin grease-covered, highly important gem: Honey Boo Boo Gets A Pet Chicken!
And the next Headline of the Day Award will also go to People for this headline: Nugget Goes Missing, Mama June Incapable Of Commenting Since She's Got A Mouth Full of Feathers.
(Pic of Honey Boo Boo and Glitzy's replacement via Facebook)
TLC knows just what I need to hold me over while I'm waiting for new episodes of future Nobel Peace Prize-winning show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and that scripted dramedy Breaking Amish. This weekend, they'll show a one-hour special about mega cougars and the cubs (Note: I think one of them is an actual cub, because the fur patches on his shoulders tell me so.) who love them. This might be the closest thing we'll ever get to a documentary about Madonna's love life.
TLC's Extreme Cougar Wives focus on three hot cougars: There's 76-year-old Hattie, the Blanche of her circle who is a denture-tooth tiger and loves to take off her teeth to get wild on a young piece. Hattie's nightstand cabinet is always stocked with KY and Ensure for energy (Sometimes she mixes 'em up and she no care. That's how kinky Hattie gets!), because she loves getting skin to skin. Then there's 65-year-old Stephanie and her 28-year-old piece Octavio. And finally, there's 53-year-old Jude and her 21-year-old boyfriend Kevin who she met when he dated her daughter 7 years ago. Nope, there's nothing awkward about licking the taint of a dude you used to make crackers and peanut butter for when he came over to hang out with your daughter after school.
Kevin's mom flips out in a totally natural and not-at-all scripted moment where he tells her how old his girlfriend is. I guess it's easier for Kevin to come out to his family about dating a cougar than it is for him to come out to them about sucking off Papa Joe for $600.
And I, for one, am glad that TLC keeps educating us on life's most important subjects.
So according to this PETA commercial, every dude who becomes a vegan will suddenly grow a bush of leafy pubes, a pair of lemon huevos and a gigantic cucumber dick that he'll wave at everyone while making douche faces. You'll be as hung the Jolly Green Giant. This is what Alicia Silverstone thinks of when she's getting down with her vibrating leaf.
Since I'm like the gay Big and forever 13 years old , I have to blow practically every zucchini I see. But now, how can I do that without thinking about this mess of an ad? PETA ruined zucchini blow jobs for everyone. Damn them.
Because there's so much ugliness on Dlisted today, here's a ginger gift for your eyes. Carrot Top, the torch that keeps thousands of crotches and Las Vegas glowing, is doing his part to find the cure for breast cancer by humping a sign, tongue banging the air and blowing pink pins at a Pinktober event in Vegas the other day.
You can't tell from this picture, but Carrot Top's team of security guards had to hold back dozens of men and women who kept trying to back up onto that tongue. Don't give me that "Unless, they're 8 feet tall, how can they back up onto that tongue?" shit. Because what do you think rolling ladders are for? Duh.