I couldn't tell you the name of the last movie, TV show, community theater production or public access broadcast that Kate Bosworth was in, but kadooze (copyright: Ramona Singer) to her for still getting invited to crap. Kate was a guest at a Golden Globes pre-party thrown by Audi and the bitch posed like Lea Michele in a Barbizon photo shoot. She went for it. The photographers were all yelling at her, "Who are you again?", but she didn't let that stop her from giving them A-list FACE! BODY! TURN! FACE! Since being Kate Bosworth was going to do it, bitch had to give them a reason to click their cameras and she did.
Please ignore Michael Polish's "yes, this trick always walks like she's on a runway in Paris" side-eye, because he's obviously coming from a place of sheer jealousy.
Icelandair knows how to do it. When one of their passengers drank up all of his duty free booze, tried to choke out a woman and screamed that the plane was going to crash, his fellow passengers and the flight attendants did what the LAPD should do to Lindsay Lohan every time she acts the fool: they tied and taped him to his seat. If this isn't the ultimate "have a fucking seat," I don't know what is.
Andy Ellwood was on the flight from Iceland to JFK and posted this picture on his Tumblr of the dude after the passengers shut him up. CBS News says that the crazy drunk also spit at people and threatened the crew. The passengers and crew had enough of his foolery, so tied him up two hours before the plane landed at JFK. A flight attendant stayed with him to make sure he didn't choke on his own drunk barfs. After they landed, the police shuffled him away.
Now this is how you do a citizen's arrest. The drunk ass deserves this, because everybody knows that you're supposed to get seriously boozed up at the airport bar, so you can pass out on the plane until the flight is over. And this is how all messy passengers should be dealt with and I hope it becomes an airline-wide policy. Can't they do this to brats who incessantly kick the back of seats and to the parents who let them?
What do you get when you mix a drunk producer, camera people who don't give one fuck, ear pieces bought off the back of a truck, Shannon Elizabeth, Jamie Kennedy (looking like a coked-up 70s porn director turned third-rate used car salesman), Carl's Jr., Bone Thugs, f-bombs galore, one of Hef's ex-hos, a stoned-as-all-hell Macy Gray, several servings of back fat, a fight and more sequined rolls than you can handle? You get the greatest New Year's Eve live broadcast of 2012!
KDOC-TV, some local news station in L.A., showed Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper how to really bring the New Year's Eve foolery. This video of the night's greatest hits is over 6 minutes long, but it's 6 minutes of pure gold. Come for Macy Gracy's raver Christmas tree skirt and stay for everything else. Here's just some of my favorite moments:
(at the 2:43 mark)
Macy Gray: Alright, what time is it? How much time do we have? What time is it? 11:15?! Ten minutes? What are you guys going to do at midnight? Why don't you just be early? 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! You guys sure are quiet for a bunch of people.
(at the 3:53 mark)
One of the hosts who looks like Casper Smart as a Blues Brother: What's your name sir?
Drunk sir: Talan Motherfucker'-oooooh!
Host: (to a lady next to him) What is your name?
Mrs. Motherfucker - His mother.
(at the 4:28 mark)
Jamie Kennedy: What is your resolution for 2013?
Texting sequined bombshell: AYE UH UM ERR JUST GONNA GET RID OF ALL MY HATERZ!
Take note, CNN, NBC, ABC and every other network. You don't need a budget to entertain the masses. And by "masses," I mean the 3 people who watched this live. And by "the 3 people who watched this live," I mean the 3 friends of the sequined bombshell who got her text message that read: TURN ON CHANNEL 56 NOW! F U TO MY HATERZ!
You'd think that GOOPY Paltrow spent her New Year's Eve getting crushed moonstone enemas while chanting with the Dalai Lama and Deepak Chopra at midnight, but nope. GOOP spent her New Year's Eve on stage at Jay-Z and Coldplay's concert in Brooklyn. Chris Martin and GOOPY busted out some piping hot moves that burnt the edges of Beyonce's lace front AND the edges of Blue Ivy's lace front. The sparkling diamond water GOOP was sipping must've been seriously potent, because bitch did the "Million Dollar Baby" boxing move and the "stirring the organic, gluten-free batter" move all in the span of a minute. Little Apple and Moses Martin haven't been this mortified since they realized their names are Apple and Moses. Beat the GOOP out of that beat, Fishsticks!
Here's Lynx the kitten teaching all of us a very important lesson: When there's a bowl of lasagna soup (or whatever the hell that is) on the table across from you and you've got the drunks so bad that you keep falling while trying to get to it, keep going after it. You may fall a thousand times, but you'll get it sooner or later. This is basically going to be all of us at around 12:02 tomorrow morning. Happy New Year!
This video is crazier than a Courtney Love tweet after a two-week bender!! The guy putting out the firebomb of a boat 1) gets an A++ in creative problem solving, 2) has massive balls that make Cisco Adler cry with envy, 3) is insane as hell and 4) has a pretty nice boat which he treats like a jet ski. Swooooon. Anybody got his phone number?
While some of your asses are pouring curdled spike egg nog into your ear holes to drown out the sound of your chirruns screaming their tonsils off while playing with their Christmas gifts, childless Jennifer Aniston and childless Justin Theroux are still having a childless vacation in Cabo with Jimmy Kimmel, his piece Molly, Emily Blunt and John Krasinski. We can all make fun of Aniston for being bland, basic and so damn tragic that she only flies private, because her Cabbage Patch Kids get nervous flying commercial, but bitch is living the life. When she's not waving at the paps she called, she's doing tequila shots off of Jimmy Kimmel's fupa while Emily Blunt holds her hair back and she can do it without some brat screaming its tonsils off while playing with its Christmas gift. (One good thing about having Cabbage Patch Kids for kids is that they only communicate telepathically and can't speak any words with their plastic anus mouths.)
And if you washed away that black shoe polish in Justin Theroux's hair, took a Magic Eraser to that Land O'Lakes tattoo and burned his black jorts, he'd be a hot piece. And he can't even laugh at her when she buckles her Cabbage Patch Kid in on her private plane, because she's the one paying for this luxury ass Mexican vacation.
I'll give you three guesses:
1. Even when I tell you this trick's name, your brain will still burp up a question mark wrapped in a question mark wrapped in a HUH? wrapped in a question mark.
2. The guy at the deli who makes you an everything bagel with extra cream cheese every morning is more internationally famous than this ho.
3. Don't let those smooth, supple ass cheeks fool you. It's not Steven Tyler.
This is Claudia Galanti. I know, I could've said "this is Nobody McWho?" and you would have the same response. Claudia Galanti is some Italian showgirl/glamour model type and here she is in Miami, trying to get some paparazzi attention by dry humping her husband on the beach. I guess, Claudia figured that the paparazzi got tired of taking pictures of her ten mile-wide plastic titties, so she gave them shots of her nalgas instead.
The way she's fame whoring hard for the camera... bitch is practically American now! She totally earned a Visa.
You can't spell Santa without "t" and "a," so here's the true princess of Britain and the current reigning Miss CDC International 2012 Jodie Marsh sprinkling the finest crabs the Caribbean has ever seen while struttin' her muscly ass down the beach in Barbados over the holiday. If you're in England and have been wondering why the air feels less elegant and why it doesn't smell like roses marinating in the gutter, it's because Jodie is not there! Yes, STD rates in the UK dropped drastically, but the stars aren't sparkling extra now that Jodie is gone.
The angel of death tattoo that warns peens that they might never be heard from again if they enter has never ever looked so festive thanks to Jodie's poon-covering Santa hat thong. And Jodie's totally natural titty domes look like two toddlers with Elephantiasis of the head touching noses while wearing Santy hoods. That Michael Jackson tattoo wishes it can grow legs so it can moonwalk the fuck out of there, because it just can't handle Jodie's glamour and beauty.
And yes, this is the reason why Santa Claus is letting out a ho ho ho this holiday season.
The apocalypse didn't swallow us whole today, but you will wish it did after you listen to a bunch of glittering stars from the reality show universe sing "We Ruined The World" on The Soup. Sanjaya (American Idol), New York (I Love New York), Jerri Manthey (Survivor), Brace the Face (Gigolos), Charlie O'Connell (The Bachelor), Ron Jeremy, Madison Hildebrand (Million Dollar Listing), Shangela (RuPaul's Drag Race), Becky Buck Wild (Flavor of Love), Rob (Survivor) and a bunch of others took time out from their extremely busy schedules to sing about how they destroyed humanity.
The truth is, I didn't really hear much of the song, because as soon as Gretchen from The Real Housewives of Orange County opened her mouth and let out a corroded musical note, my ear drums exploded. Armageddon came to my ears. Yeah, it was more like EARMAGEDDON! I had to type it. We were all thinking it.
via The Futon Critic