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Here's a video we can all relate to. Who hasn't wanted something so bad that you jump for it, cry for it, wait for it and just when you think you're never going to get it, you get it and then think to yourself, "That's it?!" I pretty much described 99% of my first dates.

And this little pooch is totally going to piss in its owner's shoe for being this cruel. (Strangely enough, John Travolta also pees in Kelly Preston's shoes when she keeps the sausage away from him by making him stay home.)

via HuffPo

It took me way too long to realize that this isn't Riff Raff in candy raver drag (no offense to Riff Raff or candy ravers or drag queens). Ke$hit's stylists must constantly challenge themselves to make her look as ridiculously fug as possible, because on the L.A. set of her video for "Crazy Kids" yesterday, she walked around looking like candy anal beads pulled out of a blue Peeps' dirty ass.

Bitch needs to give those corn rows back to James Franco's Spring Breakers character, give those shoes back to Baby Spice, give those glasses back to Elton John and give those thigh highs back to the Easter time stripper she stole them from. Ke$hit can keep the hoodie, though, because I'm pretty it's got open sores all over it.

There's just too much YES in this picture from the dude on the left saying "I did not clock in to deal with this fuckery" look in his eyes to the kid at the bottom throwing a side-eye of sympathy at that Noah dude to the girl hanging her head in shame to those two pinnacles of society doing Florida proud. Picture, meet and get to know the wall of my iPhone, because you two are going to be together for a long time.

Deadspin says that this classy leather blossom who flipped off Joakim Noah at the Heat vs. Bulls game last night isn't just your regular middle finger-throwing vixen. Her name is Filomena "Phyllis" Tobias and her story should be turned into a Showtime mini-series starring Edie Falco (or Cameron Diaz if Edie is too busy with that Nurse Jackie shit). Bitch was accused of murdering her fourth husband and more!

Before marrying millionaire hedge-funder Seth Tobias, Phyllis was married three times and one of her ex-husbands accused her of being a pill-popping mess who regularly beat his ass. Phyllis married Seth in 2005 and during their marriage, he allegedly snorted more coke than your average Lohan, gambled away tons of money and was accused of getting it on with male hustlers. Phyllis did nothing but spend their money and constantly get on her husband about being a cokehead. New York Magazine published a fascinating and crazy story about this scandal in 2008 and you really should read all of it if you haven't, but in the meantime here's one of the best parts:

Phyllis would often appear at the office and demand cash. “Give me 15,000 fucking dollars. Give me 15,000 fucking dollars,” she hissed on one visit, according to the former Circle T staffer. Tobias had promised Phyllis that he would stop using cocaine, but she didn’t believe him. In the fall of 2005, the couple was having dinner at Bice, a Palm Beach restaurant, with six other people. Just after sitting down, Phyllis jumped from her seat and placed her lips over Tobias’s nose and began sucking. She was searching for cocaine residue.

That might sound crazy, but that's how the Lohans greet each other and it's kind of touching when they do it.

To make a long, scandalous story shorter, Seth was found dead in the pool of their Jupiter, FL mansion in 2007. Phyllis' gay phone psychic Billy Ash later claimed that she crushed Ambien pills into Seth's pasta the night he died. Billy also claimed that Phyllis and Seth met at a sex party and their marriage was only one of convenience. He wanted a trophy wife beard and she wanted a rich husband. Billy also said that Phyllis once kidnapped a gay stripper named Tiger, because Seth was really into him and it made her jealous. It goes on and on and on... Phyllis was later cleared and she inherited a huge chunk of her late husband's fortune.

Andy Cohen should really be fired, because I can't believe this bitch hasn't been given her own show on Bravo!

While wearing a child's ballerina dress as a top and exquisitely crafted jean panties usually seen on a low-level lot lizard, Courtney Stodden slithered into Kitson Kids in West Hollywood yesterday, because the children really needed a lesson in what elegance and demurity (I don't know if that's a word, but that's never stopped me before) truly is. While there, the porn iguana also bought herself a new pair of children's shorts and a few stuffed animals to shove into her padded bra, because she wasn't stuffed enough.

And the only person besides me who's more confused about Courtney Stodden needing a bodyguard is her bodyguard.

Björk wasn't at the Met Gala last night... Well, maybe she was at the Met Gala, but wore a head-to-toe floral bodysuit and stood in front of Kim Kartrashian's ass all night so nobody noticed her. But if Björk wore this ensemble to the Met Gala last night, she still would've been the hottest dressed trick there. That lead apron poncho thing tells me that she was in the middle of getting X-rays and ran out. That skirt tells me that she's on her way to a wedding where she's the flower girl. Those leggings tell me that after the wedding, she's going to teach an 80s aerobics class. And I don't know what those platform espadrille sneakers are telling besides WTF.

You'd think that a million cabs, limousines, carriages and SUVs would stop for Björk, but they didn't and she was out there trying to catch a cab for a while. I'm sure that after the 50th cab passed her by, she jumped in front of the 51st cab, opened the driver side door and beat that driver down like he just welcomed her to Bangkok. Never fuck with Björk.

These are pictures of Winona Ryder from Interview Magazine, but I still believe that when Winona Ryder is alone, she puts on fancy black gloves and a red satin vampiress nightgown to fap on top of a velvet sofa. That's just how Wino does it.

That clavicle bone and neck muscle forest scares the shit out of me, but I think it's supposed to. Other than that, Winona looks hot, even in a black trash bag. No, seriously, I'm pretty sure this dress is one of those ForceFlex trash bags.

I know your b-hole probably puckered so much that you got stuck to your chair, but pry yourself off, bow down and pay your respects to the rhinestone-encrusted black orchid of glamour Harald Glööckler. The inspiration for every single Disney villain sprayed liquid glitter into the eyes of his subjects at the launch of his new clothing line for medium-sized women (I didn't make that up) in Berlin the other day.

What more is there to say about Harald that hasn't been said? Beauty historians have written books (no, they haven't) on his masterpiece eyebrows and cholas of all ages have tried their whole lives and gone through several hundred Sharpies to try to replicate those double works of art over his eyes. And you can dip your face in a bowl of crushed pearls, but you still won't have the natural glow that Harald has.

And Harald brought the luckiest man in the world, his husband, to the launch of his collection. This definitely is the face of a man who gets to lick off Harald's spray-on beard every night.

In this promo clip for that movie that's like Drive in Thailand but without a car, the director Nicolas Winding Refn tells Ryan Gosling that violence is like sex, because it's all about the build-up. For me, sex is like violence, because at the end of it one of us is crying, complaining about a burning sensation and needing a lukewarm shower, and usually it's not me.

Since Ryan Gosling is Ryan Gosling, he responds by flirting with the camera while subtly flexing. Dude is always turning on the smolder. And there's probably tiny, little video cameras running around Thailand, crying for their daddy, because Ryan Gosling definitely knocked that Sony up.

And you probably came (pause) for the Gosling, but stay for Nicolas' weird ass picnic blanket skirt thing.

via WOW Report

Weekend detention to those of you who just said that Lindsay Lohan is looking hot. That homely hag Lindsay Lohan wishes her wax skin was so tight that it's crushing whatever bones she has left in her face. And Lindsay Lohan prays every night that she'll wake up looking like an albino Asian ThunderCat on the prowl.

I'm going to stop now and let these gorgeous pictures of the stunning Jocelyn Wildenstein and her equally as stunning piece Lloyd Klein speak for themselves. And by "speak," I really mean scream until you're hiding under the table.

Getting boozed up is a nightly activity for Kate Moss and sometimes it gets boring, so she has to spice it up a bit. Last night she spiced it up by getting drunk while looking like she rolled around on the pile of dirty clothes in the Dynasty costume closet. Kate got Sammy Jo'd up for publicist Fran Cutler's 80s-themed birthday party in London last night.

You're doing glamour right when you look like you reek of Oleg Cassini perfume and are always asking people if they have a spare Virginia Slim. Kate probably lives for an 80s-themed birthday party, because she can openly pour her entire stash of coke on the mirrored coffee table and drop her face on top of it. Bitches can't give her shit, because it's part of the theme!

And here's some EXCLUSIVE video of Kate dancing at the party:

I know, Kate wishes she had moves like that. Is the saxophone powering Sammy Jo's moves or are Sammy Jo's moves powering the saxophone. That is the question. And I'm wrong for comparing Kate to Alexis Carrington and Sammy Jo, because those two would never change into a t-shirt during a party. How dreadful.