It's the most wonderful and joyous time of year again when we all look at half-naked Naval Academy freshmen dudes (and a couple of girls) climb over each other's half-naked bodies while making their way up a Crisco'd up monument.
When John Travolta tells the Scientology doctors that he feels like greased-up Thetans are crawling all over his crotch, this is what they see after they put his peen under a Thetan-seeing microscope. But seriously, Scientologists do believe in shape-shifting, so if monument is wearing a lace front wig next year, we'll all know that John Travolta learned a new skill.
Creepy Doug Hutchison went to Disneyland yesterday and he didn't go to shop for his next child bride. Doug was there with his porn iguana bride Courtney Stodden to celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary. As the children around them asked their moms, "Mommy, does Rosie O'Donnell have alopecia and why is she kissing on that plastic iguana in low-budget Angelyne drag?", Doug and Courtney ate cotton candy and smeared each other's lip on one another for the paps. How quickly Disneyland can go from the happiest place on earth to the scariest place on earth.
Actually, let me correct that a bit. Courtney made Disneyland both the scariest place on earth and the most elegance place on earth. Those cotton candy heels deserve some credit.
The Billboard Music Awards show wasn't totally a lukewarm cesspool of crap music, whiny fetuses and three cent strippers (see: Nicki Minaj). There was some true talent there too. In between Miguel's Janelle Monae-looking ass nearly giving a girl brain damage and Chris Brown summoning the demons with his unremarkable anus face, the dandelion of funk that is Prince sprouted up on stage and the frosted white shadow on his eyelids nearly melted when he brought the sexy in heavy doses.
Jehovah's sexiest witness gave coochies a reason to cream when he puckered up those glossy lips and worked every piece of fringe on the jacket your grandmother donated to the Salvation Army years ago. Lauryn Hill twins made those hos salivate from every orifice last night.
Prince looks like a black Mrs. Roper and he gets crazier by the day, but I still would.
And I think the real reason Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate holidays is because they are too busy celebrating Prince's beauty. That is a good reason!
The Billboard Music Awards are happening right now in Las Vegas and I don't even know why they're bothering with this shit, because every awards show's premiere seat filler Phoebe Price is all the way in Cannes. How can that mess go on without the seat filling heart of every awards show Chicken Cutlets? Well, they found a way to go on and thank the foolery Gods for that, because if they didn't, this Cuban Brazilian flower would've never sashayed onto the blue carpet.
When I look at pictures of Naya, I say the same thing my father says when I call his house, "And you are?" I had no idea who Naya is, but now I do thanks to her flashing her titty balls and delivering an A+++ eyebrow situation.
And I really don't know why she brought a random dog with her. At first I thought that Naya was blind (that would explain her outfit) and that was her seeing eye dog. Then I figured that maybe that's her therapy dog, which would make sense since you have to be sort of crazy to wear an outfit like that when your name isn't Grace Jones. But whatever the case may be, Naya is definitely setting trends, because bringing a random dog to an event with you is officially the new thing to do.
And it's obvious that Naya's dog is as confused about him being there as we are.
Finally, an IT couple I can get behind. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Looking like a young in-love couple seeing NYC for the first time, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett held hands while strolling down the sidewalk of love in front of the paparazzi yesterday. I was going to ask which one's the top and which one's the bottom, but they don't get into that. They just spoon and whisper lyrics to Michael Bolton love songs into each other's ears. Will is the big spoon.
Puppy licks lollipop. Monkey steals lollipop from puppy. Monkey licks lollipop. Monkey lets puppy lick the lollipop. Monkey bops puppy on the head with lollipop. Monkey busts out of that scene before the cops arrive.
Well, it's nice to know that while Lindsay Lohan is in lockdown rehab, somebody is out here doing her dirty work for her.
You can almost hear those little piggies screech for help as they dangle off the side of that chrome shoe cliff.
During the opening ceremony of the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival today, Julianne Moore proved that she is a true movie star and a slave to glamour when she put on a smile like everything was okay while her toes tried to scramble out of that shoe. Or maybe Julianne felt no pain, because some of her toes lost consciousness after suffocating in those tiny shoes. I'm trying to figure out if partying with your baby toes hanging out is a classy look or is the worst kind of toe abuse (next to putting your toes in CROCS)?
Thankfully for Julianne, nobody on the red carpet noticed the toe trauma going on down below, because they were too busy basking in the poultry beauty of the Queen of Cannes Phoebe Price after she floated onto the red carpet. Either PP is wearing an anime girl mask or she's had her eyes stretched out. Whatever the case may be, the result is GORGEOUS!
The last time something this hot, spicy and juicy hit Seaside Heights, it was a wart and it was attached to Snooki's puss. Thankfully, this time around the CDC didn't have to get involved when a piping hot piece of juicy hotness hit the boardwalk. If you think I'm talking about Chris Christie instead of Prince Hot Ginge, that works too. I mean, who can resist a piece who wears his pants all the way up to his chest dumplings?
PHG is continuing to bless the lands of America and today he visited the Seaside Boardwalk with Governor Chris Christie, because that's what princes do, they visit things. PHG and his new best brofriend Chris Christie played games, said hi to Hurricane Sandy victims and then they memorialized the day by getting matching DTF tattoos on the inside of their bottom lips.
And for why is Mr. Slugworth from the Wonka Chocolate Factory standing behind PHG in that picture above?
The only reason to go to work on your last day is to get ten kinds of drunk at lunch and tell your soon-to-be ex co-workers what you really think of their asses. Well, Paula White of BBC Radio Stoke did the first part and it got her kicked off the air. The BBC moved Paula's Friday afternoon slot to Saturdays and before her last weekday show, she got shit-faced drunk. So when she got on air, she slurred her words and had herself a P-A-R-T-Y for one! Before they ruined Paula's buzz by pulling her off of the air after only 30 minutes, she spat out wine-covered gems like these:
"I’ve had a couple of drinks, I’m not drunk. I’m sad."
"Let's just throw it all out! I don't get told what songs to – No, I do get told what songs to play! But I don't get told what songs to play on the last day of my shoooooooooow!"
“It’s a P-A-R-T-Y because I said so? Some people will say, ‘Oh, thank goodness she’s gone.’”
After 30 minutes of that, a different host came on to say that Paula was sent home, because she wasn't feeling well. Those bitches. They obviously don't know real entertainment, because they shouldn't have shut Paula's drunk hole. They should've promoted her ass by giving her every slot available (wink wink) and they should've given her a bonus in the form of coupons to Bargain Booze. Whatever, BBC Radio doesn't deserve Paula White! Paula White should come to America and join NBC's family. Because NBC doesn't only embrace drunks, but they put them on the air every weekday morning. Kathie Lee and Hoda, anyone?
Here's a video we can all relate to. Who hasn't wanted something so bad that you jump for it, cry for it, wait for it and just when you think you're never going to get it, you get it and then think to yourself, "That's it?!" I pretty much described 99% of my first dates.
And this little pooch is totally going to piss in its owner's shoe for being this cruel. (Strangely enough, John Travolta also pees in Kelly Preston's shoes when she keeps the sausage away from him by making him stay home.)