Your Face Scares Me

Paz de la Huerta's one goal at the Boardwalk Empire premiere in Atlantic City, NJ last night was to make sure that every camera and every set of eyes got a peek at the stupid snake tattoo crawling up her ankle. It's not like it's a Mt. Golden Girls tattoo drawn by the hand of Michelangelo. It's just an ugly ass snake. Shit ain't even hissing. And Paz tried so hard to show off the snake on her ankle that she almost flashed her shaved baby mongoose.

I could think of better uses for Paz's hand instead of holding up the slit in her dress. Namely, using that hand to wipe that cacaliscious lipstick (in shade: diarrhea latte) off her face.

But you know, Paz did complete her goal in the end because here I am staring at that shitty snake on her ankle. You win this time, Paz.

Here's more pictures of Paz mugging and whoring at the cameras with her Boardwalk Empire co-stars: Michael Stuhlbarg, Michael K. Williams, Kelly Macdonald, Aleksa Palladino, Vincent Piazza and Michael Pitt.

And I'm not talking about the tit that is Spencer Pratt!!! (The gong is the shop, so you'll have to use a trash can lid instead.) Heidi Montag's nipples are crying a river of silicone tears to Life & Style, because she says that when she sleeps against a wall at night, she dreams of a life without two giant rollerballs stuffed into her chest.

Heidi is down in Costa Rica to replace her size G (is for goddamnyoureadumbfuck) implants with DDs. Heidi's assistant took a hot blow dryer to her face to loosen it up a bit so she could open up her mouth and say, "I'm desperate to go back to normal. I'm downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D. I have major anxiety about it. I was taking painkillers but they weren't working so I stopped. It hurt either way. I'm obsessed with fitness but it's impossible to work out with these boobs. It's heartbreaking. I can't live an everyday life. I feel trapped in my own body."

Heidi's brain turned to dust as soon as she licked on Spencer Pratt's hairy ass crack, so you can't say that she should've thought about this before she Real Doll-ized herself. But seriously, you would think it would be relatively easy for Heidi to downgrade her chest area. She should just get Spencer to release a little air from the push-pull valve on her ass. That should do the trick right.

Somewhere in the world, the reigning fake titty queen Sheyla Hershey just said this to Heidi's cover: "Light (*oxygen mask over face, oxygen mask off face*) weight (*passes out*)"

Here's a grouch-faced Sean Penn on the Dublin set of This Must Be The Place looking like someone just butt sneezed in his favorite red lipstick. Sean plays a retired rock star who puts on his Detective La Toya monocle to track down the Nazi war criminal responsible for torturing his father at Auschwitz. The Academy is already engraving Sean's name on an Oscar statute just in case...

I know Sean is trying to give us "post-Biggest Loser Robert Smith" but dude looks more like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons after sexing herself up for a hot date with a cardboard cutout of Moe.

Michael Lohan was arrested last month after his then girlfriend Kate Major told police that he tossed her out of a chair, kick ball changed her in the face and threatened to murder her. It's what most of us call TheWayMichaelLohanDealsWithShitShuffle. At the time, Kate took out a restraining order against LiLo's ex-father, because she was afraid he would follow up on his threats.

Michael and Kate were face-to-face again in court this morning for his arraignment. Instead of begging the judge to send Michael Lohan to death row forever (not an unreasonable request), Kate asked the court to drop all the charges and cancel the restraining order she has against him. Radar reports that the judge honored Kate's request and killed both the charges and the restraining order. But the judge told Kate that the charges against Michael Lohan could be re-filed if he gets busted again within six months.

Kate sort of explained to Radar outside of the court house why she wanted all the charges to go away, "I have personal reasons as to why I dropped the charges. I'm fine with the outcome and just want to move on with my life. I don't want anymore negativity in my life, but I wish Michael all the best in the future."

We know that Michael didn't pay Kate off since his checking account is as empty as the room in White Oprah's head marked "Voice of Reason." Whatever Kate's personal reason is, it's still not good enough.

Michael looks like that puss-filled crusted over zit on your face that just won't go away. You pop it with a hot needle and it still fills back up to torture you some more. You beat it with the fattest dildo in your panty drawer and it still lives. You even spread some Velveeta over it so a hongray rat can chew it off, but he quickly gets tired and crawls back home.

So Kate possibly had the power to erase the world of that giant zit for a while and she didn't take it?! That's illegal in itself!

Jenny McCarthy will slap the shit out of any vaccine you point at her child, and she needs to start doing the same thing to any needle her plastic surgeon points at her mug. At the Midsummer Night's Dream party in Las Vegas this past weekend, Jenny showed up looking like the Scream mask after getting a makeover at Glamour Shots.

If Jenny thinks she'll win Jim Carrey back if she turns herself into the female Stanley Ipkiss, somebody needs to show her a different way. Key his new girlfriend's car or crawl into his bed in the middle of the night like a normal person does! Leave the face alone!

Teri Snatcher was sick of bitches going on about how her face is filled with enough non-biodegradable materials to make a butt dildo big enough for Tommy Girl, so she posted a bunch of completely organic photos of herself on her Facebook page to shut her haters up. Teri added the following captions with the pictures:

"Thought about all those damn critics of my face. Love it or hate it, my face that is, [it's] no surgery, no implants... no matter what 'they' say. Decided I'd shoot myself in to reveal some truths about 'beauty' and hope it makes you all easier on yourself "

"Did I every toy with fillers or Botox over the years? Yes. Tell me does this look Botoxed to you? Yes I am alone in my bathroom naked in a towel on behalf of women everywhere trying to make a point. Women YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL."

"Just me wanting to teach that all those glam versus trash pictures of celebs are about LIGHTING. It's not makeup, it's not surgery or Botox.... Flat front light in your face, especially sun setting [or] 4pm light blows out all wrinkles and imperfections. Overhead light [and] sun... casts shadows under your eye from your brow, making you look tired. Shoot all family reunion photos [with] the camera man... holding the camera a little higher than your eye line."

In that first picture above, Teri looks like a hongray and wet cat trying to push out a stubborn shit into the litter box. But besides that she looks fine. I believe you, Teri. Your ass wins. White flag up. Teri, you're real and spectacular-ish (not really).

After Jeremy London gave all of us the laughs for claiming that he was forced to smoke crack and pass out booze in the gang areas of Palm Springs by evil kidnappers, his ventriloquist dummy of a wife spit out the same story. Melissa Cunningham went for the laughs herself by saying that the kidnappers drove her home after she cried about being scared. That joke never gets old and should really be inducted into the comedy hall of fame. There's no gongs involved when Melissa and Jeremy open up their mouths.

Well, Melissa is now saying that she believes the kidnapping thing was really a drug deal gone wrong. Fuck me in the ass with a DUH! You don't say?

Melissa and Jeremy are both shooting Celebrity Rehab right now, and she took a break from getting high on Dr. Drew's glare to talk to Radar Online. Melissa admits that they were both messed up on Ambien before the "kidnapping." Melissa says she told them to drive her ass home, because she overheard Jeremy asking them for Vicodin and she didn't want any part of that.

Melissa said, “I did overhear him... he said something about Vicodin. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but that is what got me pissed and I asked to be driven home. I thought, ‘Get me out of this car, something shady is going to go on’, but Jeremy was like, ‘Oh, no problem, no problem’ and I said no, take me home, right now. I think they wanted me to leave, so they could go party with Jeremy or whatever they had planned.”

When asked if she thinks Jeremy made up the whole kidnapping thing, Melissa said, “I can’t answer that question with a clear conscious... because I don’t know what went on when I was out of the car."

Meanwhile, 26-year-old Brandon Adams is still sitting in a jail cell on kidnapping charges.

It was nice of Melissa to clear up the obvious for us, but there's still a million more questions that need answering. 1) Is it true that Jeremy London came up with that crackamaney scheme while watching a Six Feet Under rerun on a TV in a Super 8? 2) Is it true that Melissa is actually a discount blow-up doll version of Brittany from Daria? 3) In her expert opinion, does she believe that Ambien is having the BEST YEAR EVER? 4) More importantly, why am I still posting about Jeremy Fucking London?

On the left is Drew Carey back in January of this year, and on the other side is Larry King Drew last night at a CBS event in Beverly Hills. Drew tells UsWeekly that he pulled some John Goodman shit by losing almost 70lbs in just a few months. Drew also said that once he cuts the excess skin off his body, he will throw it in the blender with some Crayons and make it into liquid eyeshadow to spread on Mimi's beautiful lids.

The National Enquirer reported a few months ago that Drew was trying to lose weight by injecting himself appetite-suppressants, but he claims he dropped the fat by watching this video on a loop. No, he said he lost it the Star Jones way: DIET & EXERCISE! Drew said that thanks to a cardio program, he is now diabetes free! Drew said, "My fiancee has a 5-year old, and wow, I'd love to see him graduate. I'd love to be able play with him without getting tired, enjoy my life and watch him grow."

Who knew that when you peeled several layers off of Drew Carey, you'd find Pat O'Brien's long lost brother underneath! Seriously, I'm almost expecting Drew to ask me if I want to get some coke and hire some strippers. The answer is yes, by the way.

At yesterday's Hollywood Foreign Press Association Luncheon in Beverly Hills, Nicole Kidman showed up with her hair covered in ginge! Yes, I'm sure Nicole's weave was yanked out of a dozen Anne of Green Gables dolls, but it's still ginge so I'll take what I can get.

And for the first time in a long time, guests at the party didn't throw salt water on her lips after thinking that mutant slugs were attacking her mouth. So maybe Nicole eased up on her nightly ritual of injecting Antifreeze into her lips. Although, one guest did try to chip off a piece of Nicole's forehead to put in their cocktail....

Mel Gibson just keeps on delivering the hits! Mel's rants are his way of Facebook poking Satan to let him know that he's still got it! Sadly, Oksana Grigorieva didn't record this latest Melocaust on our souls, so you'll have to use one of his older rants to scare the roaches from your apartment. Mel's voice is oral Raid.

Radar (Who else?) reports that Mel Gibson allegedly screamed that he wanted the Jewish blood of one of his enemies all over his hands. And by that, I don't think Mel meant that he wanted a new blood brother. From Radar:

The anti-Semitic slur was allegedly made by Mel in reference to a high-profile Hollywood figure who is Jewish and who Mel believed had “publicly humiliated” him.

Gibson hired individuals to place this person under surveillance, Oksana told authorities.

“Oksana says Mel told her, ‘I want Jew blood on my hands,’ and said he wanted the person taken to the desert, stripped naked, knee capped and left in the heat,” a source close to one of the investigations involving Mel told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

Gibson never followed through with his threats.

One minute Mel Gibson wants everyone to blow him, and the next minute he wants to rip the knee caps off a ho? How is a bitch supposed to blow him when they don't have any knees?! Maybe Mel truly is a gentlemen who will only let someone blow him if they're sitting on a velvet stool, because he doesn't want to degrade them like that.

And since Mel is screaming for blood like baby Nazi vampire, somebody should organize a used tampon drive for him. Just dump a truck full of bloody cunt plugs into his front yard. That should keep him busy for a while.

UPDATE: TMZ says that their very own Harvey Levin was told that Mel Gibson was out for his blood. OctoSana's rep Steve Jaffe told Harvey that Mel didn't like that TMZ broke the story about his Sugar Tits rant back in 2006. Steve Jaffe told Harvey that Mel hired someone to follow him to the gym. Mel's plan was to have Harvey kidnapped, knee capped and left to die in the desert. TMZ investigated the story and didn't find any truth to it. OctoSana claims she went to the police with the story, but Harvey was never contacted by the L.A. County Sheriff's Department. TMZ thinks OctoSana made it all up.