Your Face Scares Me

Now we can all forget about that dreadful mug shot of Xtina looking like a waterlogged and constipated Linda Hogan after getting pulled out of her front yard fountain where she passed out in from drinking too many mud slides. Xtina had her beauty back last night and she it shine brightly as she left SmashBox studios in Culver City, CA last night. Paint makers can exhale a sigh of relief, because Xtina's face is once again resembling a smeared painter's palette. Xtina is so happy that she could fart. No, I think that's really what she's doing in that picture above.

In other red lipstick so thick you need Kevin Costner's oil cleaning machine to get it off news, Xtina's make-up artist Kristofer Buckle gave his make-up tips to StyleList and pretty much confirmed that she can paint a car with her lips.

"Red is so tricky because it can be messy and it can bleed. I use a product called LipSense and the color I have used on Christina (Aguilera) is called Blu-Red. It's literally like car paint. It's liquid so you apply it with a wand and it goes on like paint and it doesn't have any drag to it, so it creates this perfectly gorgeous doll mouth. It dries completely with no moisture to it and then you apply a topcoat with just moisture. It doesn't move."

Car paint on her lips, bed liner paint on her eyes and a voice that sounds like an engine on a winter morning... Where the hell is Xtina's cover of Car and Driver?

Wearing a thick layer of stearic acid to protect his skin from melting into a puddle on the sand, Calvin Klein dragged his body through the beach in Miami yesterday with his former porn star piece Nick Gruber at his side. They look like the centerfolds of a Dorian Gray swimsuit calendar. Like the after & before victim of the thinner curse.

Even though Calvin's body has probably been sucked, pinched, prodded and stuffed by the hands of a dozen plastic surgeons and morticians, the old ho is still looking good from the neck down for being 68 years old.

As for Nick, I'm surprised that Calvin has kept him around this long. Nick is 21 and that's usually when a sugar daddy starts to smell the old in their sugar baby's veins and trades him in for a younger piece. But Nick must be doing something right and I can't hate him for that. Shit, if the Creature of the Black Lagoon's grandpa gave me a debit card and the key to his penthouse, I'd snort a line of Dramamine, gargle with holy water and get on that.

Last night in Toronto, the Illuminati after-school program flunky Taylor Momsen made Satan's minions throw each other awkward glances when she took to the stage at Pretty Reckless' show wearing a tank top from PedoBear's Pentagram collection. If you've ever wondered whose fan letter Charles Manson scribbled "RETURN TO SENDER" on, you now have your answer.

Taylor's fuck parts might worship Satan, but ho's ass worships pancakes (or is it the other way around?). This dumpster panda Lolita's ass is so damn flat that I want to pull out a projector and watch the Oscars on it tonight.

"I still wouldn't..." - Satan

Think about all the times Denise Richards has walked in on an 18-year-old call girl trying to resuscitate a blacked out Charlie Sheen by blowing crack smoke into his mouth (aka Crackpulmonary Resuscitation)? A LOT. The memory chip in Denise Richards' head must look a lot like Brian De Palma's entire catalog. And yet, Denise always pastes a programmed smile on her face and refuses to drag Charlie through the shit pile whenever anybody asks about him. In the age of ho tricks selling every detail to tabloids for an anal bleaching gift certificate and a Sunset Tan coupon, Denise stays pretty much mute. They don't make hos like Denise anymore.

For instance, Denise is a guest co-host on The View today (they pre-taped that shit yesterday) and Radar says she didn't slam the asshole who signs her child support check when Barbara Walters asked her if his latest act of crackery surprises her.

"No, I mean it doesn't. I mean, you know this is Charlie's lifestyle. He makes no bones about it... and it is what it is. This has been something I have dealt with for years... this is not a new situation. There are times where his life is more colorful than others, more public than others, and as the kids get older it's a difficult thing. I'm learning as I go too. I have never had to deal with this and this was a subject I had hoped to talk with my children about as they got older. But it's hard."

If every bitch was like Denise, the world would be a better place. I snatch that. back No, it wouldn't, because then what would we poke at with our cunt sticks if every person gave a diplomatic Miss America answer to every question? Yeah, fuck that. Then we'd have to sit around and talk about how Denise is starting to resemble Lady Elaine Fairchilde dressed up as Lady from Lady and the Tramp.

Despite shooting a tiny cameo in Jennifer Aniston's movie Just Go With It, Heidi Montag says that she was put on the blacklist for the NYC premiere earlier this week. Heidi tells UsWeekly that Jennifer Aniston banned her. Oh, Jennifer, if this is your way of getting us to really, really, REALLY, really like you, it's working! Keep it up and let the Kardashians shoot a cameo in your next movie. But back to Talking Heidi. Heidi thinks that Jennifer didn't want her stealing all spotlights.

"I'm so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I've ever been in and I can't walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was 'too polarizing.'

I've been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it's just really upsetting that she would do this to me. She should know how hard it is to make a career for yourself and to have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening."

Heidi does realize that "polarizing" doesn't mean "fucking annoying as fuck fuck", right? But really, Jennifer Aniston denies she got Heidi banned and I believe her. Jennifer's Baby Alive is made of less plastic than Heidi and she loves it so. Heidi is just like a Baby Alive except sluttier looking and with bigger boobs. Jennifer would never deny a Baby Alive. My guess is that Heidi is just talking bullshit as usual and the real story is that she couldn't get a flight to NYC. Every time Heidi tried to get past the TSA, they'd stop her, poke at her a few times, pick her up, shake her and then throw her in a bin. When Spencer Pratt yelled at them, they pointed at the "NO EMPTY PLASTIC BOTTLES" sign. Rules are rules, Heidi!

Any actress coming out with a movie this year who really wants an Oscar next year needs to pop their dream bubbles and work on another goal, because Meryl Streep's already got this. The production company behind The Iron Lady, the biopic on Margaret Thatcher, released this picture of Meryl in full on Thatcher drag. The movie, directed by Phyllida Lloyd and co-starring Jim Broadbent, is shooting in London right this second.

Meryl's crazy eyes are scaring me. Those eyes are telling me to pick up my stale bread and tin cup of river water and get out of her sight! POOF BE GONE eyes. They're perfect!

via Daily Mail

If you're feeling brave and have a stake of silver and a vat of holy water nearby, head to La Daily Musto to see terrifying pictures from the 21st birthday party of Nick Gruber, better known as Calvin Klein's ex-porn-star toy. Donna Karan was there! Anna Wintour was there! Alec Baldwin was there (although, you can tell he has no idea where "there" is exactly)! Half of those bitches look like they are hoping that help saw their SOS smoke signal and will drop a rescue ladder so they can get the hell out of that burial vault. And the other half look like they are only there to nibble on the veins of the sacrificial virgin Calvin is serving up in the men's room later on in the night.

And what in shellacked Twinkie hell happened to sweet little Nick Gruber? Calvin siphoned the life out of him through his peen hole and filled him back up with Botox. They look like a Dorian Gray and his portrait candle set.

via Gawker

If Kimora Lee Simmons and Snooki fused their ovary eggs together with pan-cake foundation and then fertilized it with the sperm of a Kardashian before letting it incubate between CoCo's ass cheeks for 9 months, out would come Lil' Kim looking just like this! Like if a Siamese cat fell into a vat of bronzer and then dried itself off with a towel made of baby powder.

Didn't somebody tell Kim that clogging up every single one of her pores with oil-based paint is a dangerous game to play? They can't breathe! Kim's overworked chocha is trying to puff in enough air for everybody and it can't! It's inhaling so hard that her asshole is puckering. I thoroughly believe that glamour hurts, but you've gone way too far when your pussy needs an inhaler and an oxygen mask at the end of the night. Too far, Kim, too far.

Here's more of Kim and her suffocating snatch at Club QUO in NYC last night.

In today's "What in the Cheetara hell is Kim Kardashian doing to her face now?" non-news, Lil' Kim Kardashian left her house the other day with her bottom lip looking like a moth larvae that twitches at every camera flash. It hurts (example: like the finger of Khloe Kardashian's doctor when he gives her a prostate exam) to admit this, but Kim was naturally pretty before she shoved her face into the Wildenstein grinder and Lisa Rinna-ed her lips. But if she wants to look like The Weekly World News' favorite cover model, then I say keeping fucking that Restylane needle!!

Madge just so happened to be in Mexico filling her face with FDA-banned fillers and stuffing boy toy huevos into her cheeks for winter, so she slid on over to Mexico City to cut the ribbon on her new Hard Candy gym! Wearing an ensemble directly from Dress Barn's Black Friday sidewalk sale, Madge's eyes filled with gold sparkly dollar signs as she welcomed all the suckers who are paying a one-time fee of $830 (that includes two months) and then $160 a month after that to work out under her roof. Si, $160 a month! All together now: SANTO DIOS!

With $830, do you know how many boxes of chicles I can buy from the local chirruns on the beach in Ensenada? Start my own chicles factory in Mehico or lift weights while Madge's music bashes into my ear hole? Hmmmmm. Anyperraloca, this is what Madge told reporters at the opening of her House of Hard Chocha:

“If any of you have seen my shows, you know that I don’t skimp on them and the same is true for the gym. We spend what it takes to make a globally first-class gym. Our plan is to use Mexico as a place to fine-tune our brand and then expand it to other countries and, in the long term, develop a global brand that includes the United States.”

I can't throw hate at Madge though. She is providing an important service. I'm sure there's hundreds of hos out there who want a pussy so strong that it could circumcise an uncut peen in one swipe. Serious Kabbalah kooch! And here's a few pictures of Madge teaching her customers that very trick.