Your Face Scares Me

Paul Stanley's got some serious guns, right?

Wannabe OctoMoms in California who want to bedazzle their uterus with dozens of fertilized embryos have less than a week to do it. Because on July 1st, OctoMom's fertility doctor, Michael Kamrava (Reason #465 for why all Michael Ks are shifty sluts who are allergic to morals), will lose his right to practice medicine. The California Medical Board ruled that Dr. Kamrava "committed gross negligence, repeated negligent acts, and incompetence" in three cases including OctoMom's. One 42-year-old patient was diagnosed with ovarian cancer after IVF treatments and another 48-year-old patient had severe complications after she got knocked up with quadruplets.

People reports that California Medical Board declared that Dr. Kamrava should've immediately referred OctoMom to the nearest crazy house instead of overcrowding her womb. And because he didn't do that, OctoMom's psychotic gene tripled in size every time a baby was pulled out of her body. Dr. Kamrastein is guilty of creating a baby-hoarding monster.

Like a little thing calling "losing his medical license" is going to keep Dr. Kamrava from getting his embryo stuffing kicks. This sick ass bitch has probably already set up an underground fertility clinic in the studio apartment of a dilapidated complex located on a deserted block in the San Fernando Valley. He's got the turkey basters and mini fridge ready to go! Now he just has to post a Craigslist ad asking for willing participants for his human pregnant centipede experiment. Why did I go there? Excuse me while I wrap a straitjacket around my imagination.

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Simon Cowell returned to British TV on Britian's Got Talent the other night after a long break, causing millions of genitals to finally come out of hibernation to worship at the hairy altar of his twin moobs. You know who doesn't think this is sexy (don't you dare raise your hand)? Simon's buttons. Simon still won't let his buttons fuck his buttonholes. They are so close and he continues to deny them. He won't even let his button stick the tip in or brush against his button slits oh-so-gently. Sexually frustrated buttons are a real thing. But I'm sure they understand. If they fucked, we wouldn't get eye fulls of Simon's chest rug. The sexiness stops there, though....

The Daily Mail points out that Simon also debuted a new droopy eye. A source tells them that the reason why Simon looks like Ryan Seacrest miscalculated his aim is because of Botox. Duh. The source explained, "Simon had overdone things a little with the Botox and it soon showed up on camera – especially as we film in high definition, which is particularly unforgiving. During the break between shows, the producers were quick to change the lighting over the judging panel. Simon was not happy."

It's all fun and games until that extra shot of Botox makes your eye look like a Blobfish's mouth after eating a fart. Who knew that Cheryl Cole had it in her to get revenge on Simon by switching his Botox vial with stingray semen. +1 for you, CC!

Maria's torment isn't that her husband of 25 years down low dicked a secret love child out of the maid, it's that she's been forced to share a magazine cover with a spotlight-fucking plastic Thundercat and her publicity stunt partner who looks like an F-list gay-for-pay porn star named Gaylor Lautner.

If a Kardashian doesn't announce her engagement in a magazine, it didn't happen, so Mama Kris worked her pimp magic and got her main ho the cover of People! Yes, Kim Kardashian is engaged to a dude who has the same name as her mom.

Kim says that on May 18th, she sashayed into the bedroom of her Beverly Hills home and found Kris Humphries on bended knee in front of dozens of rose petals that spelled out: "Will You Marry Me?" Kim didn't mention this, but I'm sure production assistants from her soon-to-be announced E! reality show Kim & Kris Get Engaged are the ones who laid out the petals. Since Kim can't move her face anymore, Pimp Mama Kris had to run out from the bathroom and loosen the Botox with a blow dryer. That way Kim could show some kind of emotion for the cameras. Kim goes on:

"I didn't expect this at all. I was in such shock. I never thought it would happen at home, and I never thought now."

Alienface, please! Don't act like you didn't spend hours practicing saying the word "yes" that was written for you on a script by the writer of your reality show.

Of course, Pimp Mama Kris threw an engagement party just hours after Kris put a 20.5 carat diamond ring on Kim's finger. (Yes, 20 FUCKING carats! Kim's ass lips weigh less than that ring and that's saying a lot). The party sounds like a beautiful event that only a horse abuser could love, "Kris really didn't want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he'd be fine if there were mini-horses there. Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!"

Yes, you stupid piece of trash, two sedated mini-horses with glitter in their ears and the look of fear in their eyes from having to entertain a bunch of snakes sounds absolutely hysterical! But what was more hysterical was the sight of Ryan Seacrest squealing in the corner about how he has enough shows to last until the next Rapture. Coming soon: Kim & Kris Get Engaged! Kim & Kris Get Married! Kim & Kris Have A Baby! Kim & Kris Get Divorced! Kim & Satan Renew Their Contract!

Today's morning delight is brought to you by the goddess of mess herself Janice Dickinson and her triple stuffed Hershey Kiss cookie tits. Before you click on the NSFW (unless you work in the office of a plastic surgeon who specializes in wandering nipples) version of this glorious portrait, you should be warned that doing so might cause you to spend the better part of your day trying to figure out what Janice's Tupperware bowl boobies remind you of.

One minute, they look like Homer Simpson throwing a single side-eye at Bart. The next minute, they look like Cookie Monster staring at a cookie dangling next to his head. Janice has the Rorschach test of tits. Rorschach tetes!

Clear your day (and your throat) and CLICK!

via WOW Report

In the wise words of RuPaul: Click Clack (Make Dat Money)!!!

Danielle Staub, formerly of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, has returned to her roots: PUSSY POPPIN' ON THE POLE! Danielle went from a stripper to an alleged call girl to an amateur retina burner and now she's back to peeling the chrome off of a pole with her parts. TMZ says that 48-year-old Danielle has signed a 3-year-deal to flash her bankrupt titties and foreclosed ass at a strip club. Strangely enough, Danielle's new home strip club isn't located on a poorly paved road off the turnpike and it doesn't have a Malt Liquor Room instead of a Champagne Room because their customers don't know what the hell champagne is. No. Danielle has signed with Scores in NYC. The big time!

Danielle will flap her pierced labia during one live show a year (the Halloween show, I'm guessing) and will turn up on Scores' web show every now and again.

TMZ has more censored pictures of The Grinch of I-95 stealing souls with her starry-eyed nipples if that's what you need to see today. I don't know why TMZ even bothered censoring her wet parts since we've all seen them and have already woke up screaming in the middle of the night about them. If you haven't seen Danielle's Grinch vagina and don't know if you're ready for it, just watch the last part of last night's RHONJ. Focus on Teresa's half-bald gorilla brother contorting his face into different shades of rage. It's the same thing.

Two of the biggest international news stories of the year hit this past week (I'm talking about the answer to the question "How do astronauts shit?" and Princess Bea's fallopian hat) and InTouch Weekly still chooses to cover the ongoing recycled drama between Brangelina!!! We should all be comforted by the fact that no matter what happens in the world, come Wednesday Brangie drama will be staring back at us on the cover of some tabloid. The country could sink into the dark abyss on a Saturday, and by Wednesday morning a tabloid cover with the headline "A HEARTBROKEN BRAD SWIMS BACK INTO THE ARMS OF JEN!!!" would magically float to the top of the ocean. The last cockroach on this planet will be killed by a slap from a rolled-up UsWeekly with Brangie drama on the cover. This we know. But enough about that, on to THE REAL NEWS!

A source tells InTouch that the halls of the Church of Brangelina are haunted by the orgasmic screams of Angie Jo's lesbian lovers. While Brad is off saving New Orleans and shooting movies, Angie is scissoring until her halo is knocked off her head. The source says that Angie has a harem of lezzies who regularly meet her at The Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. Angie uses the hotel as her personal side-piece dungeon and doesn't even bring luggage when she checks in. Angie stays for only a few hours and never uses any of the hotel's amenities. The source went on to say this mess: "[She has a] string of female lovers that she hooks up with from time to time. In her mind, it's just sex."

But just because Angie is clitoris wrestling at the Roosevelt, doesn't mean she's not getting on Brad. A different source says that she's always making the water splash with Brad in the sex grotto on the grounds of their Los Feliz mansion.

To recap: Angie has lots of lezzie sex at the Roosevelt Hotel "behind Brad's back" and then has lots of goat sex with Brad in the grotto. The Saint of Nymphos!

But really, Angie knows how to do it. She has hot dildo sex with her down-low lesbian lovers at the hotel and then goes home to do Brad in the grotto. Angie doesn't even have to worry about wiping the scent of burnt rubber and random coochie cream off herself, because the chlorine water in the grotto will do that for her!

via Jezebel

Here's the cover of the 32-page comic book biography on the life of Angelina Jolie and loooooooooord deliver me from this evil! UsWeekly says that the makers want $3.99 for this mess and does that include a crucifix, because that's what I feel like raising at this cover! They made Angie Jo looks like a bodybuilding alien amphibian transsexual who has landed on this earth to slice mortal nutsacks with her cheekbones and deliver them to her home planet called Chyna. Hmm. Now that I stare at this without my hands over my eyes, I'm slightly turned on. Maybe that's because she's got a pair of hard butt cheeks above her upper lip.

Yesterday afternoon, Lindsay Lohan showed a paparazzo why she's the country's premiere mug shot supermodel when she busted out the kind of poses you usually only see from a day-shift hooker trying to seduce truck drivers off the main road. Right before LiLo caught a private flight to New York, she posed in front of her house in Venice, CA with her friend Claus Hjelmbak. LiLo really is a chameleon. In some pictures she looks good-ish and in others she looks like the first place winner of a Miss Gollum contest sponsored by The Faces of Meth School of Beauty. What's LiLo's prize? Well, a walk-on role in Bravo's upcoming Real Housewives of Mordor, of course!

The certificate Chris Brown received for completing his domestic violence class must be shining with pride today, because he turned into a rage monster and smashed a window at Good Morning America's studios. TMZ says it's because during his interview with Robin Roberts, she asked him about the whole "second coming of Ike Turner" incident and the restraining order Rihanna had against him. The fuckdouche version of Susan Powter (no offense to Susan Powter) threw an internal tantrum and got mad at Robin. Clip below (it's towards the end).

Sources say that after the interview, Chris tried to stop the insanity by screaming at his people before breaking his dressing room window with a chair. When security showed up, Chris had already ripped off his shirt and stormed out of the building. Chris still had one performance to do, so a producer tried to stop him but he puffed his chest and stared the dude down. People from the show broke the two up before Chris could get the chance to bust his true colors (black and blue) onto the producer's face.

And shortly afterward, Chris Tweeted, "I'm so over people bringing this past shit up!!! Yet we praise Charlie sheen and other celebs for there bullshit." Chris has since taken it down.

Ripped his shirt off? Smashed through a window? Just because Chris Brown looks like a mutant nutsack's impersonation of Sisqo doesn't mean he's the Hulk.

If you've been an extra on a basic cable reality show and may or may not have an addiction to huffing anise seeds in the afternoon, Dr. Drew will gladly stamp "CELEBRITY DRUGGIE" on your forehead and check you into Celebrity Rehab! So it really takes a lot for Dr. Drew to put a bitch out on the curb for not having an addiction that needs treating. TMZ reports that The Real Housewives of DC's Michaele Salahi crashed Celebrity Rehab and was thrown out after the staff determined that she didn't need to be there. I guess continuously humping on fame, bottles of peroxide and UV bulbs doesn't count as a serious addiction. Okay. VH1 pushed out this statement to E! News:

"The treatment program that Celebrity Rehab documents is intended for individuals with serious substance abuse and addiction issues," VH1 said in a statement to E! News. "Prior to the taping of the current season, producers were advised that Michaele Salahi met the criteria to be treated in this setting. However, professional assessments spanning from that time to the present, found that she did not meet such criteria. As a result, she is no longer participating in the program."

Michaele's slimy shit ball of a husband, Tareq Salahi, says his wife never told producers she had an addiction and only went on Celebrity Rehab so that Dr. Drew could treat the Multiple Sclerosis disease she claims she suffers from (cut to Annette Funicello's "let me see your medical file" side-eye of skepticism).

Tareq's bull anus mouth blurted this out to Radar: "She was really leaning on Dr. Drew who is a respected doctor to get her through some of the issues after the White House, when she went to Congress, when she went into relapse with her Multiple Sclerosis. She takes this very seriously. My wife takes her health situation very seriously, she has a real diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. You know, we can show you a bunch of emails about what they wanted her to pretend to be, therefore, but that's going to come out later on with one of the major networks."

Yes, this bleached pony's ass takes her Multiple Sclerosis so seriously that she's seeking treatment for it from a doctor who has never treated Multiple Sclerosis before. It's like asking your court-appointed therapist to take a look at the warts on your urethra. These leach skanks need to come up with better excuses for their fame whoring ways. But ultimately, I blame Dr. Drew for this because he's been throwing out the celebrity from "celebrity" since 2008.