Your Face Scares Me

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don't I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn't stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that's not her real face. That's a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that's what Bruce needs to hear, then I'll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian's ass).

I know you barely slept one wink last night, because you had the worries in a bad way after hearing that Daisy de la Whora might have overdosed. You can breathe easy (you better turn your head and breath, because you might catch something from this pic) now, because the skanky Muppet didn't overdose! Daisy was just tired. Yes, tired. Tired of what exactly? Tired of being a low-down dirty slutwhoreskanktrickho? Taking your mouth from a dirty dick to a dirty bong to a dirty booze bottle all day isn't tiring. I should know.

Daisy's rep/dealer/pimp cleared up (wish I could say the same about those warts on her coozie) the rumors to E!, "Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion. here was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."

Can you believe she played the "exhaustion" card? She doesn't have the right. Chyna's mutant peen-clit is more famous than Daisy!

Bitch is delirious because the collagen in her lips seeped into her brains.

HoHan is back on the mainland after her relaxing holiday in Hawaii. Doesn't she look as refreshed as a 6-month old rotten pineapple? I'm surprised a family of moths aren't trying to bite at her.

After arriving back in L.A., HoHan only had time for a quick Adderrall bump before she went back to work. Don't cackle like that. She works! She promoted that runny diarrhea in a bottle at Sephora in Santa Monica yesterday. Although, she probably should've stayed away. When you look at HoHan, does it make you want to run out and drop your heard-earned coins on that SevinNyne crap? Nope, you don't want to look like that. I just want to spray a whole can of Easy-Off all over her body. That grease is baked on!

The term Coprophilia (Thanks, Alcee) comes to mind. When your face looks like a full colostomy bag, it's time to stop with the spray tan shit.

Here's Blotchy McDirtySanchez with her partner Lorit Simon and The Curious Case of Ali Lohan at the launch of SevinNyne at Sephora. Shockingly enough, Ali doesn't look a day under 45, so she's making progress! Keep on!

This is what spotlight slut Lisa Rinna told Entertainment Tonight when they asked her about the swine flu: "I believe we all, except for myself, had the swine flu at our house. How do you know it's the swine flu? I don't know but we had all the symptoms. We had it before it came out. I'm serious. I'm dead serious. We had it at our house, I believe, and everyone is fine."

We had it before it came out? Is she tickling our asses? Isn't Lisa kind of admitting that she's the cause of it all? Everyone had except for Lisa, because she IS the swine flu. I mean, it makes sense. Her lips look like the swollen anal glands of a pot-bellied pig. Except these swollen anal glands still manage to push out caca nuggets. Yes, I do believe Lisa Rinna is the swine flu. Quarantine the bitch!

Your gay prison fantasies starring Jack Tweed and Boy George have come true! Jack, who is Jade Goody's widower, is currently serving time at the same chokey Boy George is resting his mega nalgas in for beating that prosty. The two have come face to peen three times in the shower block at the prison. You have my permission to take off all your panties while reading this, because I know you want to.

The Sun says that Jack walked in on Boy George soaping himself up like a walrus rolling around in the sea foam. Jack was filled with so much desire that he ran off before his nutsack exploded. A source said, “Jack knew what Boy George was in jail for and didn’t want to take any chances. The first time he saw him he just turned white and legged it. Jack isn’t exactly the most comfortable person when it comes to getting attention from other men."

You know Jack's manhole started moaning like a cat getting q-tipped when he saw sexy ass Boy George standing there all nekkid-like. Picture it: Boy George's luscious Pillsbury Dough Boy body dripping wet. His massive man-chis basking in the fluorescent light. Who could blame Jack? He should just surrender to Boy George and become his bottom bitch.

What happens in the shower room at a men's prison, stays in the shower room at a men's prison. Oh and it also stays in your nightmares forever too.

SPOILER ALERT!!! The plastic went flying on last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Finally, watching hours upon hours of this ridiculousness paid off. It all started in the boardroom when Melissa Rivers accused fellow plastic-face Brande Roderick and "pokah playa" Annie Duke of joining forces just so they could take her down. Donald Trump didn't buy the whines and he fired Melissa. Since Melissa and Joan Rivers' facelift scars are sewn together, Joan also packed up her shit and said she wasn't coming back.

Before they left, Joan unleashed her fury on Brande and Annie. It was amazing. Joan was so fucking mad. I thought her face was going to fly up into the air like pizza dough and stick to the ceiling. Then some poor sap crew member would've had to shuffle into the room, bring out a ladder and climb it so he could pry off Joan's face from the ceiling with a spatula. Meanwhile, Joan would've been running around the room like a lizard without a tail.

The part that made me laugh until my nipples burped was when Joan told Annie, "I met your people in Vegas for 40 years. None of them have last names! You're a pokaaaaaah playaaaa....a pokaaaaaah playa....That's beyond white trash! Pokah plays are trash, darling!" And then Annie responded with, "Poker plays are the most awesome people in the world." What the? Did this conversation happen in a vacuum, because all of them have had the sense sucked out of them. I feel like we need some kind of official debate on this subject. POKAH PLAYAS: Beyond White Trash or Awesome People Of The World?

And thanks to Melissa for introducing me to the insult, "YOU'RE A WHORE PIT VIPER." I love it when people just dig into their bag of words and use whatever comes out as an insult. "YOU'RE A SLUT MACAROON GARTER SNAKE!'

Really? What is this? Why did this happen? Who put this here? What asshole does this?! Why?! Why hasn't someone sprayed this tranny cockroach with RAID yet? I don't understand. I know my simple mind just can't comprehend this level of artistic genius, but who actually likes this? Raise your hand....and then immediately put it in your garbage disposal and turn it on. But seriously, this bitch really does make me appreciate Vadge. That's kind of ironic since I'm 100% sure Lady CaCa is a mutation of one of Vadge's roidy crotch warts.

Oh, shit. This is a "Say Something Nice" and I already failed. Okay, let me try this again. Well, um...errr...the umbrella is nice.

Here's Lady CaCa after stealing Bette Midler's lips in Hocus Pocus in London last night with Mika.

Lady CaCa is such an English lady. Not only has she adopted Vadge's queef-inducing fraudulent British accent, but now she's carrying around a teacup all around town. It's just the artist being artsy. Lady CaCa is like a walking Louvre. I wish she'd walk right into the path of an oncoming double-decker bus.

The giant fart bag has become so attached to the teacup that she went crazy recently after leaving it at a restaurant. Some source told The Sun, “She kicked up a stink and demanded someone get her cup and saucer back. She wouldn’t drink out of anything else. It just looked like any other cup and saucer to me and said ‘Made in China’ on the bottom. It seemed a lot of fuss over nothing.”

Lady CaCa's spokesbitch is in on the ridiculousness, because they said, “Lady GaGa does not want to reveal anything about the teacup itself, but drinking ginger tea is very good for singers.”

Ugh. When is she going to crawl back into her own dick hole? She really needs to spend ten minutes with Amy Wino so she can learn how authentic crazy bitches do it.

Just for the record, she didn't misplace that teacup. The poor thing was trying to quit that bitch. It was on its way to Heathrow to catch the next jet to Taiwan when Lady CaCa got her diarrhea claws on it again. It will get the last laugh. Lady CaCa is going to wonder why her ginger tea tastes nuttier than usual. That's because her teacup is going to vom right before her nasty lips touch its rim.

Here's CaCa wandering the streets of London while wearing a thong around her neck which makes her titties look even more like a sad pair of saggy chest nalgas.

The walking performance fart that is Lady CaCa censored her titty dingles and walked the streets of London while taking pictures of the paparazzi with her sunglasses still on. That X would look a lot better over her face rather than on her droopy colostomy bag titties. Aw. I'm just angry, because I'm too simple to understand Lady GaGMe's undeniable genius. Not since Andy Warhol has the world been graced with such a true artiste.