Your Face Scares Me

For those of you that are taking Alli, I suggest that the next time your asshole starts leaking greasy diarrhea, you bottle that shit STAT! Valentino will buy it from you by the gallon, because it looks like he loves to slather his face in poopy oil. That's his look. You might see a colonic gone wrong, but Valentino sees booty and poofection.

Here's Valentino looking like something Brit Brit might fart out at the premiere of his documentary in Los Angeles last night with Fishsticks and Anne Hathaway.

White Oprah had planned to have a good old-fashioned Lohan night out in Hollywood, but the bouncer at the club just wouldn't cooperate! All White Oprah wanted was to get fucked up with her daughters and maybe bond over a line or two in a bathroom stall! Regular family stuff! But the bouncer, who obviously hates family togetherness, denied them entrance.

According to UsWeekly (via The Scoop), White Oprah, Blohan and Ali Lohan tried to get into Villa and failed. White Oprah was told that Ali is too young. White Oprah apparently then pulled out everyone's favorite line that works every time, “Do you know who I am?” And to really stick it to the bouncer's asshole, Blohan added, “You’re making a huge mistake. Huge!”

The bouncer knew who these twats were. If he didn't, he would've held the door open for Ali and given her a senior's discount, because bitch is the perfect definition of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. While White Oprah and Blohan were flipping their coke noses over this, Ali was probably the only one sighing in relief to herself, because someone actually thought she was young! She will never forget that man again!

And White Oprah needs to try harder. The cokey gods didn't give her those Grand Canyon nostrils for no reason. Stick Ali up in there, tell her to hold her breath and then sashay into the club.

Here's Blohan and Ole' Ali killing us softly with fringe while leaving SamRo's house yesterday afternoon.

The walking and talking Reno, NV ash tray known as Katherine Hagel is speaking out about the rumors that she wants to scoot her ass off of Grey's Anatomy. At the show's 100th episode party last night, Katherine said she'll stay on the show as long as they have her, ''I'm there if Izzie remains part of Grey's Anatomy." Shonda Rhimes, that's your cue to let go off the rope and cackle as the ax falls on that bitch!

Katherine also told The New York Times that making millions of dollars stinking up movie sets during her Grey's hiatus is fucking exhausting, but she's willing to do it. The hag said, ''I'm more than happy to make that compromise. As my agent likes to say, 'High-class problems. I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two."

If Hagel pulled her ugly head out of her asshole long enough to have a conversation with a real person she would find out that working 12 months out of the year is called a fucking JOB! Imagine that! The poor little hag! Being forced to work 12 months out of the year is so hard, but having to look at her annoying face 12 months out of the year is even worse!

Mickey Rourke may have lost the top prize on Sunday, but he will get an Oscar of his very own to terrorize with his face that only Loki can love. That's because he's apparently going to adopt a chihuahua and name him Oscar. Mickey is still burning his face with tears over Loki, so he's hoping to mend the broken piece of his heart a little by getting another dog friend.

A source tells Radar, "Mickey has other dogs but he misses Loki terribly. He doesn't want to wait long either - he wants to get his new pooch this week. The new dog won't replace Loki but by naming it Oscar Mickey says he'll make his comeback year even more special."

We were totally ripped off on Sunday, because we didn't get a rambling Rourke rant. Methinks the FCC had something to do with that shit! Because of that, when Mickey gets his new Oscar, he better hold some kind of press conference and give us the speech we've all been waiting (and boozing) for!

Also, I hope Mickey adopts a needy chihuahua from one from the worst pet dungeons in the world: Parasite Hilton's house.

Every time I watch the marshmallow queen known as Cojo on ET or The Insider, my peen gets a little smaller. When his mug comes on the screen I have to run to the bathroom and cover my peen hole. If I watch an entire segment with him, I'll only be left with a clit. And not a Chyna-sized clit either! So, my peen welcomes the rumor that the sugarplump fairy might soon fly away from CBS.

Page Six says that the producers of ET and The Insider are looking to replace him with the head stylist of the show, because Cujo has become a real bitch who refuses to promote the shows. The source said, "His Q ratings have plummeted, and he's on so rarely now that if you break down what he gets paid per appearance, it's astronomical and not worth it." You mean, they don't pay him that queen in acorns, peroxide and glazed anal beads (his donut hole likes it extra sugary)?

A spokesbitch for ET and The Insider says Page Six's source is lie-telling on the major.

You know, Culo doesn't need that mess anyway! There's bigger things in his future! Now he can spend all his time to working on his Reno, NV dinner theater spectacle called Chastity Belt: The Chastity Bono Story.

I used to think that only Lisa Rinna's lips looked like a puss-filled, crusty roid, but now I think her whole face looks like it should be sitting comfortably inside a butt crack. The same goes for Nikki Cox. Why are these woman doing this shit? What do they have against looking pretty? Do they think they will get more attention if they look like they should be marinating in a tub of Preparation H? Well, it's working.

Although, in Nikki's defense, Jay Mohr is to blame. Fucking his stupid ass would turn anyone into a Klingon. When his peen goes in, your hotness gets sucked the fuck out.

Here's Lisa Rina, Nikki Cox and Nikki's dehydrated chichis at the Grammy Awards last night. And both of those dresses really belong on the Rock of Love Bang Bus.

This is why Brenda Walsh is needed on that 90210 crap.

Yesterday, that dumb bitch Kelly Taylor and Donna Martin filmed a scene in Beverly Hills where they had to cross the street. Brenda would have never ever let this opportunity pass her by. I mean, Donna Martin near moving traffic? You do the math. Actually, Brenda could've just moved the umbrella off of Praying ManTori. The water would have melted her down into a puddle of buggy eyes and desperation.

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

Lady Vadge will flee her native England and return to America with her kids in tow. It's Christmas again in the UK! The Evening Standards says Vadge has temporarily won the right to take Rocco and David to NYC. That shit will become forever permanent in a couple of weeks.

Vadge and Guy Ritchie were divorced a couple of months ago, but never decided on where the kids will live. Guy apparently wanted the boys to continue to go to school in England, but Vadge wanted them with her in NYC. Vadge won. She always wins!

A source close to the situation said, “Everything is going to be resolved in the next couple of weeks. Everything is going well. It's pretty amicable at the moment. Things are progressing. There was a issue about where the children should live but that has been decided in Madonna's favor.”

This sounds like a wonderful decision. Who needs a father around anyway? I grew up without my father around all the time and I turned out beautifully. Yes, I regularly cry in my shower wondering why my daddy left me, but other than that, I'm totally normal.

And I feel like both of our governments should have worked together on this. Since we're getting Vadge back, England should have to take one of our useless celebwhores. Parasite Hilton is there right now! Keep her. Oh and keep Vadge's accent too.

Mickey Rourke has a hatchetface perfect for the wrestling world, so I'm a little disappointed to hear that he's not going to pulverize opponents with his fug mug on WrestleMania 25. The rumors started when Mickey told E! at the MyFaceDontSAG Awards that he was going to tuck his roid rod into some sexy neon lyrca pants and get down at WrestleMania. Mickey even threatened Chris Jericho by saying, "You better get in shape because I'm coming after your ass." After he said that, Chris' ass cheeks shriveled into his asshole out of fear of coming nalgas to fug with Mickey.

Mickey's threat prompted all parties involved to bounce on Larry King. It was a good night for human virgins with pure blood, because Larry and Mickey were not out hunting them for nourishment. Instead, Mickey was busy taking a verbal beat down from Chris Jericho. Yeah, it's just an act. It's hard to take wrestlers seriously when they always talk in that "I so menacing" voice. Imagine Chris' sexy talk. It's probably a totally boner breaker. Instead of sounding like he wants to softly lick your puss, he probably sounds like he wants to punch and pin it down.

Shortly after Mickey's appearance on Larry King, his spokeswhore issued a statement denying that he was going to go pro. "Mickey was very honored to be asked, as he has the greatest respect for WWE. However, he will not be participating in WrestleMania. He is focusing entirely on his acting career."

Micky was probably just afraid that if someone slapped him the wrong way, his face would go flying off into the audience and that would embarrassing.