Your Face Scares Me

It's been only six seconds since Snooki's first born (Side note: Nothing makes you want to switch out your morning coffee for a mug full of vodka to really stop the shivers you get from reading "Snooki's first born.") came out of her body covered in pickle bits and undigested Goldschlager slime, and she's already cleaned him off in the jacuzzi and shoved him in front of a camera for his fame whore debut on People magazine. There's really no safe place for your eyes to land. You can't look directly at Snooki's face, because she's trying to smoosh your soul with her eyes. You can't look at Lorenzo Dominic's tacky as all fuck outfit, because it'll feel like you just got splashed in the eyes with Jager. And you really can't look at LeAnn Rimes' face, because most doctors recommend eating a balanced breakfast in the morning and you can't do that if you look at LeAnn's face in the morning.

Snooki tells People that you won't see her drunk pissing on the floor behind the bar at Karma while Baby Lorenzo pisses in his Affliction diaper next to her, because she's a changed Ewok and her partying days are over:

"It's a different kind of love that I never felt before. When I got pregnant, everything changed. The partying is long gone. I'm a new person."

I'll believe it when I don't see Snooki doing tequila shots off of Lorenzo's belly during Mommy and Me drinking class at some bar in New Jersey.

Here's another picture of Lorenzo face palming on the inside. And Snooki's face is what it looks like when you feed pickles to a Furby.

No, seriously, is it?? Probably not, but ever since Ryan Lochte admitted to playing the wrong kind of watersports in the pool and Michael Phelps nodded his agreement, I'm obsessed with knowing just where Olympic swimmers draw the bodily function line. Is snot okay?? Of course spit is, but what if there's a little more than spit going on there? What about jizz? Okay, I'll stop there and yes I've given this way too much thought and I didn't want to take that terrifying journey alone so I forced you all along. You're welcome.

The actual point to this post - yes, there really is a point - is to show you sluts Louis Vuitton's latest ad, featuring THE MEDAL WINNINGEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIMEZ (USA!!!). The ad (from E!) shows Phelps soaking in his Speedos like we all do in the tub and not giving a fuck (a fart quite possibly, but not a fuck) if his super rich retiring AT 27 ass splashes bath water all over his LV duffle bag.

And when MK sent me this link, he said "They should have put the bag over his head instead." *sigh* MK always says it better!

Every now and again, the original Lohan grifter needs to remind herself that she's completely shame deficient and still has the skills needed to successfully swindle a trick. The bitch still does! Page Six says that the master con artist behind the infamous Cookie Puss Scheme of 2010 and her brother Paul Anthony Sullivan, who was convinced of fraud in 2008, were guests at a charity event in the Hamptons. The organizers of the event gave White Oprah four free tickets, but she showed up with 8 hos in total, because everything you say to a Lohan goes in one ear and out the left nostril. Not only did White Oprah show up with 8 whores, but she skipped out on a $2,500 check and didn't even leave a coke booger for the servers. "I am so shocked by this!" said ONLY Lindsay Lohan since the coke mash of delusion in her head is always in opposite land.

The charity event was held at Andrra restaurant and all proceeds benefited the Clamshell Foundation. (I know, I don't like it either that the Clamshell Foundation sounds like a pet name Lindsay Lohan gave to her 'gina.) After the event, White Oprah and Brother Paul were served with a bill for $2,500 and they immediately exploded into a whiskey tornado of crazy. A source says that Brother Paul screamed at the organizers and they agreed to lower the bill down to $1,100. But instead of paying that $1,100, White Oprah, Brother Paul and their gang of charity haters skipped out without even leaving a penny. The owner of Andrra, Rich Silver, confirmed that White Oprah didn't pay shit, but he wouldn't say anything more.

Of course, Brother Paul is right on time and let out this river of denial:

“This is a total lie. My written and verbal agreement with Rich Silver was to comp dinner for 8 to 10 guests, six people ate. There was not to be any bill. Then you get a bill for $2,500?

Dina was strictly invited as a guest and had nothing to do with paying anything. This is totally false. There is no bill to pay. I paid $500 for drinks, and I will wire a tip tomorrow.”

"I will wire a tip tomorrow" is a good line. We have to give that Brother Paul. And if Rich Silver gives up his wire details to White Oprah, he shouldn't be surprised if suddenly thousands of dollars are mysterious wired from his account to several off-shore accounts. Speaking of not being surprised....

What did the organizers of that event expect? When you invite a Lohan to your party, you're going to be left with an empty bar, a toilet clogged with booze barf and at least half of your valuables missing. That is why when you make the mistake of inviting a Lohan over, you should immediately replace all your silver coke spoons with Dixie plastic coke spoons and you should hide your valuables in a safe place the Lohans will never go...like a shower.

I doubt White Oprah only skipped out on the check. That's some amateur shit (see: pictures of LiLo leaving Mr. Chow last night after probably skipping out on the check.) I bet that during the event, Cody Lohan was outside by the valet stand with dirt on his face, a fake cast on his leg and a cup for people to slip 20s in since everyone was in the charity-giving mood. Then White Oprah sashayed out, barked at Cody to give her 75% of his take and gave the valet guy a ticket she slipped out of a dude's jacket while inside of the party. They drove off in a stolen Mercedes and headed straight for the Lohan family chop shop.

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

Seen here slithering around NYC yesterday, Jada Pinkett Smith recently told Essence Magazine that OH MY SHIT I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT COMMENTING ON THAT BITCH'S CHEEKS! It looks like she's got two silicone lollipop balls trapped in her face. Is Jada's plastic surgeon the reincarnation of Wayland Flowers? Even Chicken Cutlets is telling Jada to calm down, because it looks like she tore off Will Smith's nutsacks and is storing them in her cheeks. If this Jada's way of trying to get Will to show her some affection in public by licking her testicle cheeks, I'm sure it has already worked.

Cheeks should not look like balloons and I should have not the urge to Photoshop the old man from Up holding on to one of them:

Okay, enough about Jada's terrifying cheeks. Jada told Essence that her guilty pleasures are fries and pizza, but she normally just sees food as a way to power her body:

French fries, and pizza… together. If I could have French fries and pizza every day I would really live off that. My real diet though, well, I don’t eat for pleasure. I probably had the only West Indian grandmother that could not cook. [Laughs] She was an awful cook, and she taught me that you don’t eat for taste, you eat for nourishment. And I have kept that over the years, so I can eat anything that’s healthy. I eat for my schedule so I have to eat high-protein, lots of greens and healthy carbs so that I don’t fall flat on my face.

Well, the good news is that if Jada ever falls flat on her face, her beach ball cheeks will bounce off the floor and put her back on her feet.

There's a now a valid reason for why Jada looks like a lizard. It's because she is a damn lizard! Bitch has the taste buds of a lizard and when she gets hungry, she just goes into the backyard to catch flies and lick on plants.

And after hearing that his wife said "I don't eat for pleasure," Will stopped eating between a pair of succulent man nalgas to say, "Huh?"

On his talk show, The Daily Mail Show with The Silver Fox!, Anderson Cooper continued to stretch his arm out toward that Peabody Award by bringing out the factory-defected Linda Hogan Real Doll who was the 2011 valedicwhorian of Pimp Mama Kris' Night School of Murdering Your Kid's Childhood with Botox for Some Screen Time. We all know The Human Barbie as that Ipkiss-faced pile of melted doll skin who's on The Daily Mail every other month for giving her 7-year-old daughter a voucher for future plastic surgery work. Well, Andy Coo had her on his show yesterday and he tried to get into her head even though he would've found more interesting shit if he peeked into the head hole of an actual Barbie doll. Once Anderson realized that The Human Barbie was only on his show for the free publicity (THIS IS NEW INFORMATION!), he dropped a "Bitch, Be Gone!" on her ass by telling her to sashay away. The audience's nostrils were filled with the scent of an over-microwaved Tupperware lid from The Human Barbie getting burned by the Silver Fox.

After the show, Anderson taped a video note backstage where he said that he banished her from his stage, because her brain is not capable of producing honest thoughts and he felt that the fame whore was only there to be a fame whore. Yeah, Anderson's light bulb takes a while to light up, but when it lights up, it REALLY lights up.

In all seriousness, Anderson is a real journalist, so he obviously did his research and knew what he was dealing with. That is why I can't co-sign this shit. Anderson could've played it three ways:

The serious journalist way: Don't put a fame whore on the show at all and instead devote the entire hour to important topics other serious news organizations cover like the day's most popular cat videos and an exclusive interview with the man who jumped out of a window during a local news report.

The semi-serious journalist way: Bring on a mental health professional to try to talk some realness into The Human Barbie before an agent from Britain's Child Protective Services storms the stage to drag her away.

The 100% STUNT QUEEN way: Bring out a folding table, cover it with delicious plastic breakfast foods (that bitch only eats plastic, right?) and allow The Human Barbie to enjoy it all during her interview before acting out a completely choreographed food fight after one of the audience members calls her a "DISGUSTING FAT LOOSER WHORE!" Then Andy's bald-headed security guard will come out and drag her backstage as everyone chants, "ANDY! ANDY! ANDY! ANDY!" Oh, and The Human Barbie should throw her shoes at one point during the brawl.

Obviously, I'd go with option #3, because I really want to see the Silver Fox throw a silicone croissant at a bitch.

When Billy Bob Thornton and Angie Jolie stopped grossing all of us out by dry humping each other on the red carpet, the rumor was that their marriage ended because she wanted to start her own child army and he wasn't about it. (Translation: Maddox put the scare into Billy Bob by throwing a signature shank eye that had him reaching for the divorce papers.) But Billy Bob says that the real reason their marriage evaporated into corpse dust is because she kept making him put on a James Haven face mask (aka a veal cutlet with big googly eye stickers on it) before they made out. No. Billy Bob says as Angie's career got bigger so did his insecurities and he started to feel like a creepy, disfigured facemonster hiding in the darkness. That bitch said it, not me. In an interview with Nightline (via NYDN) to promote his memoirs, The Phantom of Arkansas blamed himself for why his fifth marriage didn't make it past year 3:

“I blew it because I didn't think I was good enough for her. She has one way she wanted to live her life and I had another way to live mine and I was just too insecure.

When you’re in a relationship, any two celebrities or whatever, you know, I think that puts on a lot of pressure. When Angie and I got married, during that time, I was more famous than she was to start with and then when she becomes this big thing, it’s hard in these relationships. I did feel like the Phantom of the Opera hiding in the catacombs. People have actually said that I didn’t deserve to be with her. We had a great marriage and I chickened out because I didn’t feel good enough. That’s all that happened. It was no big deal, we never hated each other.”

Billy Bob says that he's friends with Angie and Brad Pitt, and she even gushed out words of praise about him in the foreword for his memoirs.

Every tabloid, gossip blog, third world orphan and certified Brangeloonie should send Billy Bob a thank you basket of copper man wigs for screwing up his marriage. If Billy Bob and Angie stayed together, she might not have done Mr.  & Mrs. Smith, which means there might not be any Brangelina, which means the gossip industry would've collapsed years ago, which means some of us would be aimlessly walking around the land looking for something to talk shit about. Billy Bob saved us all! And I wasn't joking about the basket of man wigs, because he needs a few new ones. Just look at the dreadful tortured beast Billy Bob had on his head at a book signing in NYC the other day. That patch of beaver butt hair on his chin doesn't help either. That soul patch looks like something his terrible wig pooped up.

Pictures like these call for the return of Say Something Nice, so let your bitch gene go temporarily dormant (I know you won't) and let's play nice for once. Lindsay Lohan's cheeks and lips looked like they were trying to get majority share of her face as she posed at the A&E Upfronts in NYC today. A&E is part owner of Lifetime, so LiLo was there to promote Liz & Dick. Now on to the niceness!

1. That ombre face - LiLo is setting trends with that shit! Ombre face is perfect for when you can only afford 1/4th of a spray tan.

2. Those brows - The Curious Case of Ali Lohan isn't the only Lohan who can give us some serious eyebrow situation. If you need a steady hand, a spackling knife and paint thinner to strip the layers of brow pencil from your brows at the end of the night, you're doing it right! Yes, LiLo's brows sort of look like furry poops, but scat is so in!

3. That random bobby pin - 60s glamour on a Dollar Tree budget. Can't shade a bitch for being frugal IN THIS ECONOMY.

4. Those lips - Those gummy worm lips sort of make her looks like Nien Numb in drag, which is a good thing since Star Wars definitely needed more drag queen glamour.

5. That overall face - LiLo's face looks like it was harvested from Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, and that' seriously the nicest thing I've said about anybody. My nice tank is officially empty.

Lara Flynn Boyle has been pulling, tucking and filling her face for years now, and when pictures of her leaving a liquor store in L.A. came out yesterday, some hos figured that she put herself under the plastic surgeon's scalpel again. But some plastic surgeon, who hasn't worked on, Lara's face tells Radar that in his professional opinion, either Lara went in for some face renovations or the fillers are melting. That's it! Dr. Anthony Youn explained it like this when Radar asked him why Lara's face looks like a jabbawockeez mask baking under a fast food heat lamp:

"Lara Flynn Boyle's face looks like it's melting. Now her face looks like it's deflated, with resultant loose skin. I suspect that she's either undergone corrective surgery to reverse some of the work that was previously performed, or has just plain allowed the plumping fillers to dissipate, leaving her with sagging cheeks."

Who ever said that Botox is like crack for your face never told any lies, because you have to keep injecting that crap into your face or it will do the sad skull slide and you'll end up looking like a really sad plastic blobfish. Woe is Lara. Lara could be smiling in these pictures because she just got a good deal on a vintage bottle of Strawberry Hill, but you wouldn't know since she permanently looks like a constipated duck who just got the worst news ever. The sad duck look IS not the look. Although, think of all the traffic tickets and shit Lara gets out of. Only a heartless police officer would give a ticket to a sad duck.

TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn't paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it's headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what's a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.

Octo didn't only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she's a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO'ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.

On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn't even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she's really the epitome of a perfect mother: "The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit."

On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won't hit on her: "I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 - I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off."

On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: "I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself."

Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren't slobbering over her with their eyes, they're running from her insane ass, because they're afraid that if they stand too close they'll knock her ass up. Bitch's body didn't magically ping back into shape, unless by "ping back into shape" she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won't look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.