Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he's about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation:
"Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most…"
This news should really get the "WHO CARES" stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn't slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You're still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it's all about the piece and less about the piece's piece. Take Donald Trump's gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance....
The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she's legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it's wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he's got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she'd be impressed by his "manhood."
The Trump's junk must be big, because it's making me gag up a vom ball and I've never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You'd probably pick the hung swamp frog since you're a pig slut with no standards!
So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he's not), then he's a pain in the ass in more ways than one.
The question "How can you make Mark Ruffalo less fap-worthy?" has been answered with a mouth full of cold GOOP.
Mark Ruffalo looked like he was trying to swallow a load of barf and exhale at the same time as he shot a kissing scene with human activated charcoal Fishsticks Paltrow for their new movie called That Movie Where Mark Ruffalo Plays The Same Character He Plays In All His Movies. The director must have yelled at these two "Make it look like two scared blind trout trying to find the same piece of worm," because that's exactly what it looks like. They nailed it! If you're thinking it looks more like two scared porn star vaginas trying not to cry while sharing Charlie Sheen's dick, then you're right too.
Mark is open-mouth heaving because he just read an advanced copy of GOOP's (f)art issue and Fishy's trying to ignore the fact that his breath smells like drugstore gum and soda that comes from a can. WISH YOURSELF INTO YOUR HAPPY PLACE (aka an ivory-covered bedroom bath tub filled with the amniotic fluid of a beluga whale), GOOP!
In case you missed it, here's ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.
You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you'd be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn't bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don't know what their damn costumes do. I don't know why they're running around. I don't know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don't know!
But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.
W Magazine's "Best Performances of the Year" series is a gallery of glorious WTFness, but this picture of Mark Ruffalo wins the best spot at the museum. Don't you just want to blow at Mark and make his shredded technicolor dreamcoat flutter about? Just look at him doing the Lambada with the wind without a care in the world! Who cares if Mark's wearing the multicolored fringe rug my abuelita had in her kitchen? Mark is seducing the wind! Who cares if this looks like a still from the Sedona Community Theater production of Hair? Mark is unleashing his inner RAINBOW SWAN!
Just in case you want to go full WTF, here's Jonah Hill without comment:
Okay, one more. Helena Bonham Carter as a brunette Xtina:
Julianne Moore played a psychotic, pill-popping gold digger to completely perfection in Magnolia and she's an elite member of the ginger coven, so she can do no wrong....until now. Somebody throw a handful of Seroquels at that dress, because it's all sorts of bi-polar. The right side looks like a dress snatched from the "Inspired by Mad Men" rack at Ann Taylor Loft and the left side looks like something out of the Tootsie costume closet.
Julianne should've taken this Harvey Dent foolery all the way. I'm talking two different hairstyles (spiral curls on one side, crimped with beaded ends on the other), two different shoes (lucite heel on one side, chanklas on the other), two different kinds of make-up (the second coming of Xtina on one side and SANS FARDS on the other) and a different dude on each arm. COMMIT!
Here's more of Julianne and her two faces of fug dress at the Kids Are All Right premiere in London tonight with Mark Ruffalo.
You may or may not have heard, but Scott Ruffalo, brother of Mark, was shot last Monday at his home in Beverly Hills. TMZ reports that he passed away last night. Scott was 39. Sadness.
Police issued an arrest warrant for Shaha Mishaal Adham, a suspect in the shooting, yesterday. She turned herself into the police last night. Shaha's friend, Brian Burton Scofield, was named a "person of interest" by police. Brian was arrested for a misdemeanor traffic warrant for past violations.
Sources say that Shaha is related to Saudi Arabian royalty and she has already hired a high-powered attorney.
Scott Ruffalo, who was a well-known hairdresser, is survived by his wife Luzelena and stepdaughter Lucinda.
Condolences to Mark Ruffalo and his family.....