Rock Of Love
One of them has the internal lady parts of a dilapidated Super 8 off the highway and the other one, strangely, has the same internal lady parts but for totally different reasons! Lady Famewhore lit up her torch bright last night when OctoMom and Frenchy from Rock of Love came together to celebrate the former's birthday at the House of Blues in West Hollywood last night. Yes, OctoMom left her 14 million kids at home to fend for themselves and eventually slobber each other's faces off while she slobbered on a cupcake next to a delicate French flower who probably slobbered on a cumcake just a couple of hours before.
The truth is, this is a bizarre pairing. I know Frenchy is so damn greasy that she always looks like she fell out of something's vagina, but still.
Octo told Howard Stern that she doesn't think she's ever put a peen in her mouth. Octo prefers all jizz to enter her body through a turkey baster. She's old-fashioned like that. And then there's Frenchy who burps up coagulaged cum balls, which is why she'll always be one of my favorite Rock of Love hos. I mean, what do they have in common besides a thirst for tiny spreads in Life & Style and camera flashes? Whatever. I hope this relationship blossoms into something beautiful and Frenchy becomes like a second mother to those kids. They could be like the insane whore version of Kate & Allie.
Tuck your pussies in and grab your Valtrex, because we are all getting on the Rock of Love WAAAAAHMBULANCE.
Right after the hottest piece of scenery in the industry knocked Bret Michaels on his nasty ass at the Tony Awards, he sort of shrugged it off and said it really wasn't a big deal. Now that he's realized he can milk the shit out of this situation for attention, he's crying a different story. Bret posted these pictures of his busted face on his MySpace along with a total STFU statement.
While we are clapping for whoever was responsible for bringing that set piece down on Bret, he's blaming them. Bret said that he was never "informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage." Bret was also pissed that a rep for the Tony Awards said Bret had missed his mark and that's why he got laid out by a super hot piece of scenery (Is it obvious that I'm love with a set piece?). Bret moaned that the Tony people would have cared more if this happened to Dolly Parton, Liza or Elton John.
I think Bret's weave-danna is on too tight. Liza and Dolly are LEGENDS! If a set piece fell on them, the world would stop and we'd all hold our breaths until we were told there wasn't a scratch on them. Which there wouldn't be, because they are both coated with some kind of scratch-proof substance.
Bret added that he doesn't know how bad his injuries are until his x-rays come back. He must have gone to some back alley free clinic where it takes weeks for x-rays to be processed. Their idea of an x-ray is shining a really bright flash night on his injuries while some crackhead draws a picture of it with a Sharpie. Stupid ass.
Bret is such a wittle baby. The whores on Rock of Love who attempt to eat his asshole probably suffer worse injuries than that. Put a bag over your head and stop whining.
I love how even though he's busted up he's still giving us a "Sexy Can I?" face.
Daisy de la Whora, star of Vh1's Rock of Love 2 and Daisy of Love, reportedly went a little overboard with an unknown substance. TMZ says that paramedics were called to a house in the Hollywood Hills last night for a "possible overdose."
When they arrived to help that trick out, Ducky Face apparently started acting the fool by screaming and thrashing around. Several medics had to band together to get her crazy and possibly drugged-out ass into an ambulance. Daisy isn't going to be back in party mode by this weekend, because her agent postponed all her scheduled appearances.
I think Daisy also might have overdosed a couple of days ago when she said this about Ambre winning Rock of Love 2 over her, "I don't think I can compare Ambre to Angelina Jolie, so no. I would be the Angelina Jolie, and she would be Jennifer Aniston!" Yes, the bad shit was definitely involved in the making of that comment.
Daisy is a piping hot plastic wreck. Do we need to send Heather to beat some sense into Daisy? Because Heather will put on her fightin' headscarf and do it all over again. Classic clip below:
It was whore business as usual on last night's Rock of Love Bang Bus. Kelsey, Ashley and Farrah got "shit your pants" wasted in the ultra-classy VIP section at Bret's show.
Honestly, that section consisted of just a rent-a-center sofa with a broke ass Kinkos-made banner hanging over it. But those whores didn't know the difference. They probably thought they were in Europe, because that shit was so refined and classy. It was obviously too elegant for Kesley and Farrah, because those whores got kicked the fuck out for smearing their skankness all over the joint. Basically, they were too drunk according to Big John. Yeah, too drunk! This boggles my mind, because I'm pretty sure the Rock of Love Bang Bus runs on booze-filled fumes coming out of their snatches. It's green like that.
After Kelsey got kicked the hell out, she she had a meltdown and collapsed on a speed bump in the parking lot where she cried for about an hour. Kelsey later waved that fuckery off and said a lot of girls have probably passed out on a speed bump. Au contraire! A lot of DUMB girls maybe. Why the fuck would you pass out on a speed bump? Think about it.
Say you're passed out on a speed bump and some bitch who isn't paying attention drives over you. Bitch is just going to look out his window really quick and see the speed bump. He's going to shrug it off and go on his way. That leaves you laying there, with your guts spilling out and all the booze leaking out of your system. There goes your buzz.
A drunk whore with brains will pass out in the middle of the street far away from a speed bump. That way if a bitch runs over you, they will look to the side, see no speed bump, get out of the car and investigate. They will call you an ambulance and a doctor at the hospital can patch you back up, so the booze doesn't leak out. Buzz saved! Seriously, Kelsey doesn't know shit!
This week's episode would not be complete without an Ashleyism: "People who eat basil are lame!" Bitch wouldn't think basil was lame if it was dipped in Red Rooster 21 and wrapped around a hard cock. In addition to give her thoughts on basil, Ashley also tried to cook a microwaveable dinner. I can't wait for Chef Ashley's show on the Food Network. Clip below:
This ten peso question was asked by Ashley on last night's Rock of Love Bang Bus, because she was upset that Bret Michaels hasn't been spending that much time with her (aka he hasn't massaged one of her twatty warts yet). Ashley confronted Kim Zolciak's busted wig twin about it and also dropped a dick in Bret's lap when she told him she thinks Natasha might be a "Nathaniel." What's Sherlock HO's evidence? Natasha only wears tutus to hide her bulge and she also has a voice like Miley Cyrus after giving a blow job to a piece of sandpaper.
Ashley's suspicions crawled up inside Bret's European weave and set up camp, so he just couldn't get it off his mind. He was about to ask Natasha about her big dick, but then a bug on her plastic titty sack distracted him. Yeah, I don't know why it threw him off. Most of those skeezers are covered in bugs anyway.
In the end, Bret just couldn't handle Natasha possibly having a longer peen hole than him, so he dropped the whore.
Okay, Natasha could have very well been born "Nathaniel," but the skank has a snatch now. A little while ago Natasha "performed" as Scarlett Mei Dior (classy!) on a porn site called TugJobs. It's fucking funny, because TugJobs is owned by Bang Bus. Keeping it in the family. Anytranny, I'm not a doctor or a straight dude, so I have no idea if Natasha's pussay was made from peen skin or if it's 100% organic. All I know is that she has one. Click here (NSFL) to feast your eyes on Natasha's studded cooch and to see your busted ass handjob skills.
And by the way, I'm fucking pissed that Bret brought three new whores on the bang bus instead of bringing DJ Lady Tribe back! We need more pussy shots on this slut show!
I must say that this is my favorite photograph of a talk show host posing an a Formica countertop. Like ever. Okay, now that I've orgasmed that out, let us all congratulate Ricki Lake for getting a job! Go Ricki! Vh1 announced that Ricki Lake will brave the STD storm known as Charm School. Ricki will replace Sharon Osbourne who replaced Mo'Nique as host and head mistress.
Charm School 3 will once again try to turn the cum sluts and crackwhores of Rock of Love Bang Bus and Real Chance of Love into fine ladies. But we all know Charm School is just another reason to watch skanks doing what they do best: get drunk and beat each other down.
Ricki as host makes sense. Ten years ago, all these skeezers would have been a guest on her talk show. Probably on the episode called "My pussy exploded but I can't stop fucking!"
And Vh1 should close their doors and blame it on the economy if DJ Lady Tribe is not the main skank int he cast. Her epic slutness needs a new home and I don't think CumFiesta.com will even take her ass!
There were so many herp-puss covered gems during Rock of Love Bang Bus last night that I couldn't just pick one to share with you. So I'm dropping a few. Like with any ROLBB post, make sure you look at these pictures through a pinhole in a condom to protect yourself from the high-levels of skankness. Grab a rubber and join me after the jump. JUMP!!!!
Tons of shit happened on Rock of Bang Bus last night. It was a fun-filled trash extravaganza as usual. First, Melissa busted her implant when she fell on the ice during a hockey game. A leaky brain and a leaky tittay! Melissa also got caught calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night and telling him she had no respect for Bret Michaels. Captain Obvious also told her man that Bret wears fake hair. Yeah, it was nice of you to join us, Melissa. You're 3 years late in realizing Bret wears hair produced by Mattel (their European branch), but you've got a leaky booby and brain, so it's not your fault. In the end, Bret threw Melissa and her "Made In Tijuana" titties off the show because she talked shit about his bald head. Basically.
But the best part of the episode was when the government check version of Juliette Lewis, Ashley, and the other skeezers found out that Brittany had stolen their sweaty socks from the hockey game! Brittany admitted it but said she didn't steal it. The owner of the hockey joint let her take that shit. After she tongue fucked him in the ass, of course.
There was never any kind of explanation as to why that nasty bitch stole their grossness. Brittany is in the porn game, so I figured she was planning to whore that shit out on eBay. The skanks better check the rest of their shit, because Brittany probably snatched their crusty panties and pussberry-covered tampons. Coming to an Ebay listing near you: Authentic Rock of Love Bus smegma!
And if Maria calls herself a "retired model" one more fucking time, I'm going to make her lift up Bret's bandana and stare at his bald head. That's some Grudge shit.
I knew the first episode of Rock of Love Bus would make me feel like I needed Jesus in my life, but this shit exceeded my expectations. What...the fuck? After watching it, my saliva tasted like Boones-Farm-infused vomit, my crotch started itching like vag warts were starting to grow in and I had to look down at myself to make sure extra-large Hefty bags filled with melted down plastic weren't taking up space in my chest area. Seriously, it felt like the high level of skankness on the TV screen exploded all over me. I had to ask God to forgive me for my sins. During next week's episode, I'm going to wear a dental dam over my nose and mouth to protect myself.
I wish I had one last night while watching the moment above. Now, I consider myself highly knowledgeable when it comes to all things whorish, but this shit even blew my mind. Nikki, the ladyboy muppet, was "freakin' horny" so she decided to do a Buttery Nipple shot out of Gia's pussy right on the bar in front of everyone! I bet it tasted like an oatmeal cookie, because you know that dirty bitch Gia had yeast infection leakage.
Nikki is taking the whole "nasty slut with no self-respect" thing to levels beyond my imagination. She truly is my idol. Unfortunately, the only open vagina Vh1 is allowed to show is Bret Michaels' face, so they had to censor the whole amazing moment. And that bitch Heather falling on her ass at the end completes the clip.
It wouldn't be a Rock of Love episode without a good skankfight! This one below comes courtesy of the Brazilian drunk Marcia and the Juliette Lewis wannabe Ashley. It all started when Ashley made fun of Marcia's accent on the bus. When Marcia got a few gallons of tequila in her, she got revenge by throwing chips at Ashley and then choking her chicken neck! And Ashley totally fucking screams like a damn chicken getting finger fucked. I don't blame Marcia. I would've done that long before, because Ashley's voice is so damn irritating. She sounds like she's talking with a dick stuck in the side of her mouth. Open your mouth, bitch!
Even though that whole episode made me cleans out my genitals with OxiClean (and I mean that as a compliment), I'm still mad that they got rid of Nikki so soon. I mean, the ho did a shot out of another chick's coochie in the first episode! She would've been mixing martinis in her own poon by episode 3! Extra dirty with two crotch olives. Aw. What could've been....
Last night, the promised epic fight between Sharon Osbourne and that fatty faced Megan went down on Crack Rock Charm School Reunion. This was the fight that landed Megan in the hospital claiming Sharon done pulled her weave out leaving bald spots. Megan also filed a police report. Vh1 didn't show the hardcore goods, because a million security officers covered the fun. I mean, how many dudes does it take to tear apart a dumb whore and an old bitch?
But what they did show was pretty awesome. Sharon sort of started it by saying Megan should get her lady parts fixed so that she can't spawn any lil' bikini-wearing whores. The truth hurts like two hard dicks going in your butt without lube. Megan fought back by telling Sharon she's only famous for managing a decrepit rock star with worm meat brains. At first, Sharon laughed it off, then she did a little cough-act and poured her cup of wine all over Megan's skeeze body. Megan looked like the dirty maxi pad she truly is. Usually I cry when people waste the booze, but this was worth it.
Megan was pretty fucking tanked, so I don't understand why she didn't open up her alki-hole and drink up all of that wine being poured on her! Don't let it fall everywhere! What kind of drunk slut is she?! If I was Megan, I would've been sucking the booze out of my weave while Sharon was punching me in the dough face. The booze is more important!
It also sounded like the audience was screaming "Jerry" instead of "Sharon." Screaming Jerry would have been more appropriate.
And the next time you get into some fight with a dumb bitch, handle it like a real charming lady and throw your choice beverage in her fat boy face! That's what Headmaster Sharon recommends!
Click here if you can't see the shit above.