Your Vagina Is Large
When Jasmine Fiore was murdered and the now dead Ryan Jenkins was named as her alleged killer, Vh1 immediately liquefied Megan Wants a Millionaire and injected it into Daisy De La Hoya's face lips. Vh1 has no plans to ever air Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3, because the rumor is that Ryan won both shows. But it's not over for Megan! The famewhore will always rise above! According to Radar Online, she's about to whore it up some more in another reality show for Vh1.
A source (aka Lily her chihuahua) said that after Vh1 canceled her show, they promised her another one if she kept her whore mouth shut about the Fiore murder. The source went on to say that we won't see a re-do of Megan Wants a Millionaire, because her new show won't focus on dating stuff. They haven't completely decided what kind of show it will be.
We all knew we would see Megan's stale dumpling face again. You can spray the Vh1 roaches with RAID and try to flatten them with your chankla, but they will always come back. Hopefully, Vh1 gives us what we really want to see: An entire reality show featuring Sharon Osbourne beating Megan's ass over and over and over and over again. Megan Wants A Beat Down!
UPDATE: According to Vh1, this story is false and they have not given Megan another show.
42-year-old Lisa Newsome was arrested after she was caught on tape stuffing a 24-can case of beer up her muumuu and shoving several bottles of Coke in her titty area at a convenience store in Zachary, LA. I guess bitch wanted some beer in a bad way that she didn't care about getting a yeast infection. Yes, I'm here all week!
When Lisa was busted by the cops, she admitted that she stole the 20-pound case with help from her thieving snatch. Lisa even offered to demonstrate, but the cops told her to keep her chonies on. Lisa is still in jail on $1,000 bond.
The cops may not want to see Lisa's suction cup pussay at work, but I do! Homegirl has some major skills. Although, if Michelle Duggar ever gets into a life of crime, everybody should be scared. Screw a measly 24-pack, Michelle could swallow up an entire Old Milwaukee Brewery and then some!
VIA We Saw That
Everybody, please gather around, hold hands and bow your heads for Michelle Duggar's lady parts, because they are going to go through some fucked up traumatic shit for like the zillionth time! Jim Bob, Michelle and their massive neverending child army were on Today this morning where they announced that they are expecting baby #19!!!!! Yes, the baby addict is getting her fix again! BABEHS just keep popping out of that clown car vag!
The 42-year-old babyhead told Meredith Vieira, "We are so thrilled. We just couldn't believe it is happening." Jim Bob added, "This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child."
Never gets old?! Tell that to Michelle's uterus! That poor thing has been holding up a white flag since baby #10 and nobody is listening. When baby #19 is about to come somersaulting out, Michelle's uterus is going to grab on to its feet while screaming "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" All it wants to do is to get out of that crazy bitch's body, head to the nearest crack house and drown its pain in the bad shit. Do you blame it? Even Ken Seeley from Intervention is shaking his head and saying, "Do you what you gotta do, Duggar Uterus."
Michelle added that she knows at her age there are certain risks (i.e. her pussy could fall off and throw itself into incoming traffic). Michelle says as far as she knows, her fetus is doing well. Michelle and the entire family would know! If they want to check on her fetus, they just have to pack a few granola bars, crawl into her vag, skip down her pussy tunnel toward her womb and wave to the fetus. Seriously, when Michelle is done being a human popcorn machine, she can open up a theme park in there. WOMBLAND!
Michelle and Jim Bob's oldest child, Joshua, is also expecting a baby friend this October with his wife. Michelle 3-months pregnant and is due in the spring.
In case you didn't know, all of the Duggars 18 children have names starting with the letter J. Michelle said that the family has already printed up a list of J names for boys and girls that they haven't used yet. How about "JUSTSTOPTHISFUCKERYALREADY Duggar"?
And here's a list of all of the Duggar children. While reading it, you might want to pet your vag and reassure it that you will never ever do this to it:
- Joshua James, 21
- Jane Marie, 19
- John-David, 19
- Jill Michelle, 18
- Jessa Lauren, 16
- Jinger Nicole, 15
- Joseph Garrett, 14
- Josiah Matthew, 13
- Joy-Anna, 11
- Jedidiah Robert, 10
- Jeremiah Robert, 10
- Jason Michael, 9
- James Andrew, 8
- Justin Samuel, 6
- Jackson Levi, 5
- Johanna Faith, 3
- Jennifer Danielle, 2
- Jordyn-Grace, 8 months
On Thursday night in Los Angeles, a discarded tampon and a pre-owned butt plug got into a fight at Guys and Dolls nightclub. We've already heard Brody Jenner's version of the douche battle royale and now here's Joe Francis'.
Joe tells E! News that contrary to Brody's version, he never delivered a massive beat down on Jayde Nicole. Joe said that he was minding his own business when Jayde pushed at him and threw her drink all over him. Joe said he might of "accidentally" pulled her hair when he turned around to confront her, but never punched her in the face or kicked her. The next thing Joe knew, Brody was beating his ass and ripping his shirt off. For some reason, that last part didn't make my b-lips tingle. It made them wrinkle up even more.
Joe said that the security tapes will show what really happened, "I'm the victim. Brody hit me in the face. I've never hit a girl in my life and the accusation disgusts me." Then Joe said that Brody has a million issues including having "smallest penis in Hollywood." This coming from one of the biggest DICKHEAD in Hollywood.
In Brody's defense, Joe does have a face that was produced by Everlast, because you just want to punch it. I'm sure that most of you are sitting on your fists right now (use lube) to keep from punching your monitor. It's a natural reaction to seeing Joe's butt plug of a face.
As for Brody having the tiniest peen rod in all the land, bring us proof, Joe! We know you have a giant picture of it hanging in front of your dildo chair.
This news is going to make OctoMommy swallow a fertility clinic whole, because bitch is going to have to step up her baby game. The Sun says that a woman in Tunisia is about to turn her snatch into a popcorn machine by giving birth to 12 BABIES!!!!! And if you just queefed, that was your uterus dry heaving.
Doctor confirmed that the human baby machine's instant child army will consist of six boys and six girls. The woman conceived the babies after going through a series of fertility treatments. The soon-to-be DodecaMommy wants to give birth naturally, but doctors have told her that her pussy will literally explode. That's exactly what he said, the doctor said, "Mam, I am a doctor and my medical expertise tells me that your pussy will explode. Literally." Not to mention, that if she turns her vag tunnel into a water slide, Raging Waters will file a copyright infringement lawsuit against her.
The father of the babies told the press, "In the beginning, we thought that my wife would give birth to twins, but more fetuses were discovered. Our joy increased with the growing number."
Yeah, as they were crying tears of joy, her lady parts were crying tears of pain. If Miss Clown Car Conductor is wondering why there's a white flag sticking out of her vagina, somebody should tell her that it's her uterus begging for MERCY.
Here I was thinking it was going to be a glorious Friday (see Connie Mouralis post) and then I come across these two fartards. I had to share it (am I oversharing again?) with you so that we can all form a circle and jerk our tonsils together. Barf bukkake party!
At last night's G.I. Joe premiere, these two butt dingles somehow managed to get on the red carpet to show off Twit's cover of Playboy Magazine: Equine Edition. Who do they think they are carrying a magazine around like that? Phoebe Price?! Can I get a "BITCH PLEASE," because nobody can do it like she can.
And I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the fugliest fug cover I have ever seen. Anonymously send this cover to your enemies and they won't ever be the same again. It's pretty fitting that Heidi looks like a Wal-Mart-brand tampon fresh out of Spencer's shitty asshole.
Just two months after splitting up, UsWeekly says that Parasite Hilton and frozen burrito heir Doug Reinhardt are back to mixing their STDs together. Wonky and Doug broke up in the first place, because he was kissing on some other ho or something. Or maybe she got her feelings hurt when Doug called one of her crotch crabs "fat." I don't know! All I know is that they are doing it again.
Doug wrote some sappy grossness on his Facebook page like, "What an amazing weekend with my beautiful girlfriend. I love her so much!" and "Laying in bed watching SportsCenter with my girl."
You might be relieved that Wonky and Doug's toxic skankness is once again contained, but don't let your genital holes breathe easy just YET. The more Wonky and Doug rub on each other, the stronger their STDs get! If you're ever in a 5-mile vicinity of either Wonky or Doug, you better wear a mask over your crotch, mouth and b-hole to protect you from their skank fumes! The Wonky Flu is coming!
Porn star and future politician (the two go puss-in-hand) Stormy Daniels was put in handcuffs over the weekend (TWIST COMING) and it wasn't so that a sessy fake police officer could beat her 'gina lips with his mighty skin baton. No, bitch was really arrested after she allegedly beat her husband Michael in the head a few times in their home in Tampa, FL.
Michael told the po po that Stormy Chris Brown-ed him, because she didn't like the way he did the laundry. Okay, hold the Downy softener ball, because I bet Michael accidentally left a red thong in the washer when he put the whites in. ILLEGAL! Some bitches will cut, stomp, slap, kill and set fire to any ho who turns their whites pink. Turn a white pink and get slapped. I think that was rule #12 in my abuelita's Book of Life.
After Stormy was arrested, she admitted that she broke some candles and threw a potted plant in the sink, but didn't mean to hit her husband in the head. Stormy's defense was that she was just trying to get her keys which he was hanging over his head and she accidentally fisted him in the face. HAHAHAHA! This bitch! Although, 9 out of 10 scientists will tell you that the best way to get something from someone is to punch them in the mug. I'm surprised Stormy didn't use the "HE RAN INTO MY FIST" excuse (aka The Tommy Girl's favorite cover story).
Stormy was later released on $1,000 bail.
This is the time where we all open our windows and shout "SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH, PARIS HILTON" in unison, because maybe our voices will carry throughout the land and break the crusty jizz barriers in Wonky's ears so she can finally get the message. I say this, because Parasite told Extra that Michael Jackson's daughter was named after her:
"My mom and Michael went to high school together and they were best friends since they were 13. So I grew up knowing Michael very well and when he had his daughter, he always loved the name Paris and grew up being an uncle to me. So he asked my mom if it was okay and of course she said yes and I think she's such a beautiful little girl and I'm proud we have the same name."
When whatever is left of her brains finally falls out of her asshole and she shoves it back in her head, she'll also realize that there's cities in France, Texas and Arkansas named Paris too. After her!
Paris, the only thing that will truly be named after you is a strain of the herp.
Here's the delusional one at the premiere of her MTV documentary Paris, Not France last night.
If you've got a penis, hide it in a bomb shelter or stick it in holy water, because Parasite Hilton is back on the prowl! Wonky's mutant vag will be howling for fresh dick tonight, because she is no longer infecting that d-bag who used to be on The Hills. Wonky's spokeswhore told People that the herpytale romance of our time is over!
"In response to the inquiry on whether Paris Hilton has split up with Doug Reinhardt, yes, this is true they are no longer together. They remain friends and ask that you please respect their privacy."
Your genitals should have trembled after reading that, because they are scared. Hold them and tell them it's going to be alright.
As for Doug, at least he'll always have a piece of Wonky with him. When he looks down at his wart-covered wang and the nest Wonky's crotch crustaceans built in his pube bush, he will be reminded of the beautiful moments they shared together.