Your Vagina Is Large
Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn't expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.
In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her "career," sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!" If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!
I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.
UPDATE: Wonky's black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.
While MK is busy scarfing down some fine Italian cuisine (your mind WOULD go there, sucio!), J. Harvey and I will be here doing our best to keep the beautiful Dlisted train from going off the rails. Graffiti totally counts as fine art, so don't even go there. MK sent me a link from Socialite Life to this pic Khloe Kardashian posted on her website, looking pretty and skinny and BLOND several Christmases ago. (Note: my computer choked on the words "Khloe" and "pretty" in the same sentence and I had to re-start the bitch three times.) This was apparently before the whole "dye my hair to look like my sisters so no one will know my mom was a complete ho and fucked around on the guy I thought was my dad" phase.
I have to say, she looks good as a blond...computer, NO!! Choke it down, bitch. She's actually the only one of those hos that I have any respect for (hang in there hard drive) since she doesn't take herself too seriously and seems kind of human. Enjoy tearing this pic of Khloe to shredded shreds while I resuscitate my pc with booze and bong hits.
Seen here locking out Kim Kardashian's check cashing cooch until Pimp Mama Kris finds a suitable (read: dumb, rich, famous and with a bladder that's always ready to party) suitor for her to suck the life out of, the KKK are on January's cover of Glamour (just read that as "Glum Whore" and it'll make more sense) Magazine and are giving their first interview since they pulled a giant scam on everyone. The already annoying interview turned into an annoying dry queef fest about how Kim's dream of becoming a mom at 30 is officially dead and it's only a matter of time before Pimp Mama Kris closes a deal with E! for a 16 hour-long "Kim & Her Uterus Say Goodbye To Each Other FOREVER" special. After Kim covered the permanently-attached silicone alien mask on her face with a "WOE IZ ME" mask, the KKK got deep:
Kim: ...I think I'll always be a hopeless romantic.
GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?
Kim: It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.
Khloé: I love Kim's belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.
Kim: Well, I don't think I have it right now.
Khloé: Which is fine, but I'm your sister and I know why you don't have it right now. But I know you will get it again.
Kim: I hope I do. But by then I hope maybe I'm a little bit more realistic.
GLAMOUR: Realistic about what?
Kim: The fact that what I want isn't possible.
Khloé: What, a guy on a white horse coming to get you? That doesn't happen!
Kim: I don't know. I always wanted what Mom and Dad had. And at first I was like, I want six kids. Then I went down to four, then I was down to three.and now I'm like, maybe I won't have any. Maybe I'll just be a good aunt.
Khloé: But Mom and Dad got a divorce, and she met Bruce. And you were a child; you don't know what Mom and Dad had. As an outsider looking in, it probably looked like paradise.
Kim: At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to have kids and all that.
Khloé: Oh my God. Don't be dramatic all of a sudden!
Kim: That's how I feel. Maybe my fairy tale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that's OK.
Before Pimp Mama Kris ran that interview through the fake machine, it really read like this:
Kim: .....I think I'll always be a hopeless famewhore.
GLAMOUR: What do you mean by that?
Kim: It means that I believe in whoring myself out for fame at any cost and dreaming of having permanent relevancy, but the game has changed. I think I need to be choosier about the fake husbands I cast. Did you see the first episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York? Of course you did. Over 3 million stupid fucks did. Cha-ching, beyotches! You saw how Kris farted in my sister's face on camera. He farted on my sister on camera! I know Kris was my stage husband, but he signed a contract in blood stating that I'm the only one he's supposed to perform a bodily function on in front of the cameras. I was humiliated! How can I have a publicity stunt baby with a monster who farts on my sister? That's cheating!
Khloé: Wookie like eating baby. Wookie like eating baby.
Kim: Um. Anyway, back to me. I don't have that dream anymore.
Khloé: But Wookie want baby to NOM NOM on.
Kim: No, you dumb dumb! I'm still going to have a baby, but I'm going to be a little bit more materialistic about it and I don't need a fake husband to do it.
GLAMOUR: Materialistic how?
Kim: Everybody is having a baby with their husbands. That's been done, is boring and only gets you a maximum of 3 People Magazine covers. That's why I'm going to get knocked up and won't tell anybody who the father is. The evil scientists at E! are making a fetus out of my old face and all the used condoms I stole from Reggie Bush's trash can as we speak. Think of all the magazine covers, specials and endorsement deals with Indentigene! There'll be a "Who Shot A Load In Kim's Pussy?" special and covers of Life & Style will be flying out of my twat like black dick does. You stupid Americans will eat it up and I'll be more rich and more famous than ever. I'm so glad dad sold my soul to the devil to get O.J. off. No morals equals more money! Cha-ching!
Khloé: Wookie happy about having baby to nibble nibble.
Kim: Wait! How did you sneak into the middle again? Get back, beast! Back! I'm the Chynna! You're the Carnie! To the side where you belong.
Parasite Hilton has copped a peen (don't you dare red mark that typo) in order to keep from sitting her flat ass in jail. The Las Vegas Review-Journal says that Wonks will plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession and obstructing an officer in exchange for a tiny slap on the wrist in the form of one year of probation. Wonks' crotch critters are clapping their claws together, because their fix is going to keep on coming!
Wonks was caught with less than a gram of the bad shit in Las Vegas last month when her boyfriend was pulled over for hot boxin'. According to reports, Wonks' story changed several times. At first she denied that the purse was hers. Then she said that the purse did belong to her, but she let her friend borrow it earlier in the night. That's when she dropped the "I thought the coke was gum" excuse. Wonks faced jail time if prosecutors charged her with a felony. But now she's free!
On top of probation, she will have to pay a $2000 fine, complete a substance abuse program and serve 200 hours of community service. If she's busted for anything before her probation ends, she'll go to jail for a full year. Somewhere deep inside Wonks' pet closet, Tinkerbell Hilton is offering up a reward to any dog who successfully sets her up. So 911 operators should know exactly what to do if they get a call from a yappy ass dog. We're all in this together!
But seriously, the lesson here is that if you're going to get caught with the bad shit make sure the arresting officer can check the "rich", "white," and "famous" boxes on the police report. If they can, then feel free to do a line on the report while the officer is writing it up, because the party never ends for you! YAY!
Joe Francis, the douchebag with the most punchable face in the world, is trying to cock block one of his former employees from releasing a tell-all which paints him as a "child molester, tax cheat, rapist, coked-out amoral direct marketer, violent thug and sexual predator." You know, all the things Joe's oldest auntie calls him when she pinches his face cheeks at family reunions. "You adorable little coked out tax cheat rapist you.."
The book FLASH! Bars, Boobs, and Busted: 5 Years on the Road with Girls Gone Wild written by Ryan Simkin isn't out yet, but he's been releasing excerpts including this one about Wonky McValtrex's ONE MAJOR TALENT!
Ryan writes that Joe called him from Europe one day and asked him to get twenty hits of ecstasy and four 8-balls of coke from Girls Gone Wild's controller/drug dealer. Joe instructed Ryan to get the bundle of the bad shit to his girlfriend at the time Paris Hilton. Ryan put it all in a Camel ciggie box and met Wonks at Smashbox Studios where she was doing a photo shoot for Seventeen. Ryan went on to write:
I took out the Camel box and handed it to her, and she thanked me. We talked for a minute or two about the apparent difficulty of procuring those drugs in Europe. I asked if she was flying private, and she said, "No, commercial." And then as politely as I could, I asked her how she planned on traveling with that amount of blow and X. She held the box in her right hand, and then with an underhand swoop like a lower case J, she demonstrated exactly how she intended to beat airport security. She even whistled as she did it. A little alley-oop with the Camel Box, straight up her snatch. Classic.
Right after that they came in with her next outfit, and she put it on. She said we could stay for a while and watch, but we were tired, and our work there was done. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and my roommate and I went back to the car to go home. I don't think we said five words to each other the entire car ride. I spoke to Joe a couple weeks later. He thanked me again for the favor and said it all arrived safe.
I guess so.
And I bet that when Wonky pulled out the Camel box in Europe, that shit was empty! Tinkerbell, the army of pussy parasites and all her crotch crustaceans snorted it all up! Do you blame them? Every day, they all sit in Wonky's cooch cavern waiting for some kind of nourishment to come through. When it's a peen, they just stand against her sour walls filing their nails and waiting for it to leave. But when it's a box of something good, they fight over that shit Lord of the Flies-style!
Bitch's pussy is like the opening to Ursula's lair. I would call Tinkerbell and Wonky's crabs "poor unfortunate souls" but they probably snort more coke than all of us combined!
This might be just the thing that makes Teresa Giudice's greedy hairline finally jump back a few inches! Word around the rest stops off the turnpike is that The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub has got a sex tape careening towards your eyeballs and is ready to take your retinas out! Mark June 15th as the day the internet will ooze puss and cry to be put out of its misery, because that's when Hustler will release Prostitution Whore's public sex tape debut.
The 75-minute tape was only shot last September and Danielle's co-star is a mystery man. Danielle had no comment, but I'm sure she'll have a few at the ladies luncheon she'll throw to celebrate this work of fart. If you live in NJ and hear a scratching at your basement window, it's just Danielle's daughters begging to be let in. Just give them a few vanilla wafers and tell them to never EVER open their eyes around a computer or TV again.
If you love your computer too much to download the virus that is this fuck tape, but you are still curious to see Danielle wrap her sundried lizard body all around a peen, I have a solution for you. Just take a piece of fried bologna and let one of the mangier alley rats nibble at it a bit (cunnilingus). Then look for a dried, splintery chicken bone in the gutter. Take that fried bologna, squirt some curdled mayo on it and then rub it on that chicken bone until you feel the back of you throat start to moisten with stomach chutney. There you go! Now you will know what it feels like to watch Danielle's snatch flip a dick, and you won't have to take your computer down with you!
Since Vh1 has yet to greenlight Celebrity Mental Institution, Tila Tequila will instead hump the cameras with her goblin-bred fuckery on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The fact that Vh1 still gets away with calling that shit Celebrity Rehab despite the absence of both "celebrities" and actual "rehab" is beyond me. But keep fucking that chicken, Dr. Drew.
TMZ says that Tila is the first wreck to sign up to the fourth season of Celebrity Rehab. It's going to be fun watching Dr. Drew try to find a cure for Tila's addiction to being a famewhoring delusional skank slut. SPOILER ALERT: There is no cure.
Even though the show now has an A-list media mogul in its cast, there's still a chance that it will never make it to production. Apparently, nobody wants Dr. Drew's help anymore. Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen, Jenna Jameson and the creme de la crackie creme Lindsay Lohan have already turned it down.
If the show doesn't happen, can't they just lie to Tila and tell her the new season is shooting at the bottom of Eyjafjallajokull volcano? That will finally get Dr. Drew a Nobel Peace Prize. And if the show does happen, Dr. Drew needs to get Gary Busey to come back as a mentor and put him in a room with Tila dressed as a corn on the cob. Two chomps and the bitch will be gone.
If you're going to do yourself with a Donny Osmond poster, at least make sure you tape an exit string to it first! Damn. A kinky ass horny woman in Britain learned this lesson the hard way after a Donny Osmond poster got stuck in her chocha. Bitch is ALL cuntry. The case is featured on a BBC3 show called Bizarre ER.
The dumb bitch went to the hospital crying about a pain in her "private area." After conducting a series of tests, doctors found a rolled-up Donny Osmond poster chilling in there.
Okay, what kind of tests did they conduct? How big was the poster? How big is her vag? And why didn't she just romance her pussy with a tampon instead of a poster. Fucking yourself with a tampon is just like fucking Donny Osmond. I mean, turning your pussy into a poster tube is not a good look.
And I don't even want to know where doctors found her Marie Osmond doll.
via The Mirror
I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here's something you can safely wrap around your wang. It's the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!
For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:
Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.
And if you're really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won't need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!
With all that being said, I'd hit it. I'm joking (no, I'm not).
Katie Price's current clit tickler, cage fighter Alex Reid, dusted the puss crust off of one of her gold unitards and slipped into it to make his public debut as his alter ego ROXANNE! Alex proved that his tuck game was stronger (Although, there might not be much to tuck) than Lady CaCa's at the launch for Katie's new book at Selfridges in London today. Harvey just filed for emancipation.
Katie made the big mistake of forcing Alex to bring out his better persona, because Roxanne is definitely sessier than Jordan. Who needs dignity, pride or a nutsack when you have leg's like Roxanne's?
And I think Katie thought that if she's surrounded by a bunch of dudes in drag, it would make her look more like a biological woman. When in fact, she looks like she tucks her dick right next to them in the men's bathroom. This is not the look for her. But I will say that her "Marilyn Monroe on acid" wig looks more natural than Kim Zolciak's, so six dick claps for that!