Deliciousness

Who the hell is in charge of Burger King's advertising? Al Goldstein? First, there was the ad featuring a nekkid Burger King for their cologne Flame. Then, there was that was square ass commercial. And now we have this!

Don't get me wrong, I love that Burger King is trying to tap into the slut demographic, but they're going to have to try harder than this. If I'm going to put seven inches in my mouth, I'm going to clean the cheese off of it first. Also, what are those little bumps on the top? Heeeerpes!!! So Burger King wants us to blow a cheesy, herpes-ridden seven incher? Okay, why not? Hand me a condom.

I'm also a little disappointed that they didn't cover that blow up doll's face in mayo. They are probably saving that beautiful moment for the commercial.

And I think someone needs to set up a party between BK's seven incher and the power bottom oven from Quizno's.

Source VIA Gawker

If you get the craving to eat cookie dough this weekend, lick this picture and don't eat the real thing or you may doody until you dieeeeeee. Nestle has recalled a bunch of their cookie dough products after 66 people in 28 states got sick with E. coli. This is serious. I just ate Nestle cookie dough a couple of weeks ago. RAW. If my ass starts leaking non-stop, I won't be so quick to blame it on my extra-curricular activities.

Nestle is begging you not to eat their products raw or cooked! Normally, the heat would kill the bacteria, but Nestle isn't fucking around. If you have a bunch of Nestle cookie dough in your freezer, you can return it to your grocery store for a full refund. This weekend the grocery stores are totally going to be full of single depressed ladies trading in their unused cookie dough for SnackWells.

Why do they always recall delicious things? They never recall crap like peas or multi-grain Cheerios. You know, shit I wouldn't even eat if it was laying on Prince Hot Ginge's peen (I'm lying).

I always eat raw cookie dough. I tell myself that I'm going to bake it like a normal person, but then suddenly the bowl is empty and I have the guilties.

And I hope Bradley Cooper doesn't dump Jennifer Aniston this weekend or she is TOTALLY FUCKED.

Say goodbye to Pizza Hut and hello to The Hut. Actually, let's all say fuck off to The Hut. This is not a change I can co-sign on.

Pizza Hut has announced that they are slowly re-branding themselves as The Hut. Sales have been in the caca box, so they are hoping this will get whores back into their restaurants. Specifically, young whores.

One of Pizza Hut's HBICs told Brand Week (via idsgn), "There's a big trend in general around having confidence in the foods that you eat. People over the age of 35, whose frequency with pizza is declining, said one of the big things that would reignite their passion with the category is to have a pizza made with multigrain crust and an all natural tomato sauce. And yes, we're also introducing another vocabulary word with Pizza Hut, which is 'The Hut.' That ties in nicely with (today's) texting generation. We wanted to make sure that Pizza Hut and 'The Hut' become common vernacular for our brand."

The Hut only makes me think about a giant blob of wet caca with a gaping mouth that eats anything who gets in its path. No, I'm not talking about Tommy Girl's asshole. Seriously, who wants to eat anything that comes out of Jabba the Hutt?

I can understand Pizza Hut wanting to appeal to a different audience, but calling themselves The Hut is not the answer. What they need to do is sexify their image a bit. Put on some lucite heels and strut. They should start going by Pizza Slut. They can even bring back their old slogan: "Gather 'round the good stuff." If they hired the "delivery dicks" from (NSFW, duh) BigSausagePizza.com, I would order from Pizza Slut every single day for the rest of my butt's life.

Since the subject is greasiness, here's Brit Brit leaving London. I hope she's just as upset about this news as I am and records a PSA or something.

If Norma Rae had a pair of gorgeous eyebrows, traveled around town on a power chair, loved sparkly stickers and had a dozen empty White Castle containers under her bed, her name would be Ariel Wade! Ariel Wade of Minnesota is getting ready to rumble against White Castle for discriminating against her when she was just trying to buy some deliciousness!

It was just after midnight when Ariel zoomed on over to her local White Castle on her electric mobility scooter. Ariel wheeled on up to the drive-thru window, but they refused to serve her! They turned down a hongray disabled woman! And might I add, a hongray disabled woman with truly spectacular eyebrows!

The dumb whores at White Castle told Ariel that the window was only for people in cars. They made Ariel MADDER THAN FISH GREASE! Even though that makes zero sense to me, I'm still going to recycle that term as much as I can. I mean, fish grease has never looked "mad" to me. Lazy and a skeezy, maybe. But not MAD.

Ariel didn't let White Castle get her down. She rolled on over to McDonald's. They served her, but told her not go to through the drive-thru again.

When White Castle was contacted about the incident, they said that drive-thru is only for cars, because they don't want pedestrians to get ran over. White Castle also apologized to Ariel and offered her free food, but she SHUT THEM DOWN. Yes, Ariel turned down free food. She really is madder than fish grease.

Ariel has hired a lawyer and will do whatever it takes to make sure every person in this country can get processed, greasy food no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. I will fight the fight with Ariel, because this is a cause that is near and dear to me. Everyone in America should be able to get their arteris clogged at all times.

I also need to echo the statement left by a YouTube commenter about Ariel: "I guess it's debatable whether she is in the right in this case, but somehow the way she expresses herself about it just makes me love her. I'll bet she has some drag queen friends."

I bet she has chola drag queen friends. I think I love her too.

Remember that cologne Burger King put out last year called "Flame"? The one that smells like Aretha Franklin's chichi sweat? Well, they have just launched it over in the UK and are using Piers Morgans' face and body to entice hos to get a piece. It kind of looks like he's farting flames. Prince Hot Ginge he is not.

Piers claims that the Photoshop wizards did not paste his smug mug on another dude's body. Piers says that's all him. I guess we're supposed to drop our jaws in amazement? It's not like he has the body of Vadge's roidy-clit or anything.

What I don't understand is, why didn't they do everything in their power to get Simon Cowell? Simon Cowell was born to be the body of Burger King. Specifically, his furry tittays were. Simon's man breasts look exactly like two extra-plump charbroiled beef patties. Medium rare! And I'm sure that his nalgas look like two luscious sesame seed buns! AND you know his no-no looks like a glistening onion ring right out of the deep fryer. This was obviously Simon's gig!

For a limited time, hos in Britain will be able to lick Daniel Craig all over, because Del Monte has put out a popsicle in his honor after conducting a survey. Over 1,000 chicks voted that they wanted a topless Daniel on a stick. It will only be on sale until June 7th.

They got the body and crotch area right, but the face will give me night terrors. He kind of looks like Gary Oldman in Dracula. He's just missing the two hairy titty cones on his head.

Del Monte also announced that they are not responsible for any freezer burned vaginas or assholes. And don't even think about using that stick. You don't want splinters in the snatch.

Image: Splash

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Mars has introduced their first candy bar in 20 years and they call this one "The Fling." It's the size of a finger and comes wrapped in some pink crap with the words "pleasure yourself" on it. You know where my mind is going, so I won't be offended if you exit stage left......

In the commercial above, it looks like some dude and some chick are doing sexy stuff in a dressing room. You know, fingering each other's asses, slapping each other's taints...the norm. Then the camera pans up and we see that they are actually in two different dressing rooms. The girl sits down, takes out her "Fling" and bites into it.

"The Fling" looks like a butt banging gone wrong! The last time some dude waved a chocolate finger at my face, I called 911, because I might be a big whore, but I don't play that shit (literally)! I don't care if it's only 85 calories per finger. No way, no how.

VIA Videogum

I think I got jizz poisoning last night, because I've had the barfs all morning in the grossest way. You know what's extra disgusting? Whenever I've got the purgies, my dog comes around the bathroom, sniffing at me like the buffet is open for business. Why are dogs so shamelessly gross?! That is not right.

Anyway, even though I'm feeling vommy, I'd still devour an entire tub of this Mother's Circus Animal Cookies ice cream from 1987. I didn't even know this deliciousness existed?! It's like the cream from an angel's vagina. Do you think I can buy some on eBay? Don't even tell me I should just crush down some cookies in vanilla ice cream, because that's way too much work.

And just ignore Matt LeBlanc's presence.

(Thanks Kazan)

Crystal Samuel had her eatin' shirt on and was all ready to get crazy on an All-Star breakfast at a Waffle House in Clarendon County, SC, but that shit never came! Crystal said that all her friends got their food and started eating, but she sat there waffle-less. That's when their waitress, Yakeisha Ward, told them they couldn't eat from carryout trays inside of the restaurant. Yakeisha told them to take their waffles and get the hell out, but Crystal said they had not paid yet so she didn't understand why they were being kicked out.

After exchanging a few words with Yakeisha, Crystal did the unthinkable. She threw a waffle at Yakeisha! A waffle! Why would you waste that scrumptious piece of griddle heaven?! Throw an egg at her ass or something. Not a waffle!

Well, Yakeisha did not appreciate getting a waffle to the face, so she jumped over the counter and the two started brawlin'. The fight quickly turned into some serious shit when Yakeisha ran to her car and grabbed a gun! Yakeisha shot at Crystal and one bullet grazed her arm. Before the police finally arrived, Yakeisha also hit Crystal in the head with the gun.

Yakeisha was arrested, booked and bailed out. And get this shit, bitch went back to work at Waffle House the next day! They took her shooter ass back! You know they named her head of security too. That's how Waffle House does it.

If you happen to get her as your waitress, make sure to keep your eyes down and order the All-Star but "hold the pistol whip." Oh and make sure to leave a 95% tip or you may have a bullet coming your way!

Crystal pretty much summed up the whole experience by saying, "Bad customer service."

Source: WLTX19 (Thanks Linda)

El Pollo Loco has greased up its face and taken off all its joo-rees (as DeShawn Snow says), because it's ready to bust it down on KFC! The other day, Earth Mother Oprah gave out a coupon for a free grilled chicken (vom, wipe and vom again) lunch at KFC, but that shit was only good until midnight. It also caused utter chaos, because a few KFCs either ran out of chicken or refused to honor the coupon. Sit-ins were staged, blood was shed and chickens cried. It wasn't a beautiful sight.

So El Pollo Loco is fighting back by saying they came up with the idea first and they are going to do it again this Mother's Day. On Sunday, El Pollo Loco will honor all KFC coupons. They will give you a 2-piece citrus-marinated grilled chicken meal. Even if you aren't a mother.

Damn, mothercluckers! It's about to get ugly, because I know KFC isn't going to stand for this. Chicken Cutlets, get your round cards ready, because there's about to be a rumble! And where's Popeyes in all of this? I think they know it's best to keep their beak shut! Because if they offered some free shit, I'd be down there, shanking hos in order to get a piece.

And thank you, El Pollo Loco! Now I know what to get my mommy for Mama Je'e's Day!

VIA TMZ