Yesterday we all lost an American icon who was the first human to walk on the moon, and today we gain a future American icon who will probably go on to do history-making things like moon a bunch of tricks at Karma on a Sunday morning. It's the circle of life.
As Neil Armstrong floated up to heaven hoping that his spirit doesn't land in the reincarnation bin before getting spit out into the body of a certain guidoling, Snooki went into labor last night and this morning she gave birth to the chosen child of the Jersey Shore. That's one small step for a Guidoling, one giant leap for the end of civilization as we know it.
When the news of Snooki letting out an Ooma Loompa birthin' wail made the rounds on Twitter and everywhere else yesterday afternoon, hos everywhere stocked up on Jäger and self-tanner before going down into their end of the world bunkers. Then at around 3 this morning at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, N.J., Snooki's baby boy fist pumped his way out of her poon and was probably greeted by MTV's cameras. I can't wait to see the touching moment when Snooki's kid hugs an MTV camera, stares into its lens and lets out his first words, "Are you my mommy?
Ten seconds after Snooki made history by being the first Oompa Loompa to give birth out of captivity, she went on Twitter and confirmed that her and her piece Jionni LaValle named their kid Lorenzo D:
I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE'S MY WORLD! ❤
Snooki's rep (yeah, she has one of those) tells People that baby is resting comfortably in his tanning bed crib and mother is resting comfortably on her hospital bed while Jionni stands over her face, squeezing 100 proof booze drops out of her drunk placenta and into her open mouth hole. Seriously, Snooki's placenta is probably a bloody organ of booze. On that note, it's Bloody Mary time!
The Real Housewives of Atlanta's NeNe Leakes was just strolling along through the life one day when she ran into her son Bryson's girlfriend, Ashley Hill, who looked like she either had a case of the BABIES!!! or a case of the fats. The two shared a touching moment together and NeNe then heard the words that every mother longs to hear from someone other than their own kid: "You're going to be a grandma, bitch."
When 44-year-old NeNe told Ashley that it looked someone was living up in there, Ashley admitted to being over 6 months knocked up and asked her if Bryson told her. NeNe was farting up shit bombs of anger at first, because she didn't think her practically unemployed 22-year-old son was ready to be a father. But she changed her mind as soon as
she realized all the extra money she came make from whoring out her granddaughter in tabloids her granddaughter Bri'asia (no comment on that name) was born. NeNe said this to InTouch:
“I always wanted to have a girl and now I have one! She’s just adorable.
I paid for everything in the nursery: the clothing, the diapers. I don’t want her to feel strapped. [I've gone] crazy buying gifts for the baby, including little dresses, sparkly headbands, and Gucci shoes … We just love her,”
We get it, NaNa Nene, you have that TRUMP check, you're rich, bitch, etc... I guess NeNe really is proud of throwing all that money at her granddaughter, because she's holding Bri'asia like that baby is a trophy, a bag of money or a limited-edition Marie Osmond doll. That is the "Behold, My Adorable Little ATM Machine" pose from the Kardashian pose book.
And here's some pictures of Elisabeth Moss at the NYC premiere of "For A Good Time, Call..." last night. I know Elisabeth Moss has nothing to do with this story, but she and NeNe both have Draco Malfoy hair, so I thought it was fitting.
Here's that innocent moment in every Kardashian girl's life right before Pimp Mama Kris grabs her, dips her in a bucket of bronzer, stuffs her with butt implants and shoves her out onto the stroll to add to the Kardashian family fortune by winking at every camera pointing at her. Since UsWeekly waved the largest stack of cash at PMK, they won the EXCLUSIVO rights to publish the first pictures of Kourtney Kardashian's second kid, 1-month-old Penelope Scotland Disick. Kourtney was holding that large stack of cash in her left hand (it was PMK's idea), but UsWeekly Photoshopped it out, because they felt it was overkill. Good move.
During the interview, Kourtney slow drooled out a bunch of words that you probably don't care about, but she did say that, "Nothing could prepare me for how hard I fell in love with her." Kourtney spits out words slower than a snail with heat stroke spits out a long-winded queef, so my guess is that UsWeekly's reporter got inpatient, turned the recorder off and went to get lunch before she could finish that sentence. Kourtney obviously went on to say, "......and nothing could prepare me for how hard I fell in love with the big stack of cash you just gave me for this interview."
And you need to slap yourself raw if you're wondering where Scott Sickdick is. Please, Scott Isadick's job here is done for now. Scott provided the baby batter needed to keep the Kardashian's fame whore legacy going, so now he can spend his days doing whatever he wants, which includes shopping at Barney's for silk ascots to wear around his dick. Or he's partaking in PMK's favorite afternoon time activity. Every afternoon, Scott and Lamar gather in PMK's backyard and help Bruce Jenner look for his nuts. It's called the Jenner Egg Hunt and nothing makes PMK cackle more than watching Bruce look behind the bushes for his huevos when she knows that she gave them to her maker Lucifer a long time ago. The dark orb in PMK's chest grows stronger every time poor Bruce jumps out of the bushes holding a shriveled olive and shouts, "I think I found one!"
Kelsey Grammer and his wife Kayte told everyone earlier this year that she had a double case of the babies. But in a statement released today to People, Kelsey said that one of the twins, a boy, died right after they told everyone. That's the drop of sad news for them. The drop of happy news for them is that Kayte birthed out a baby girl early this morning in L.A. and no, they didn't name her EffOffCamille:
“We are thrilled. Mother and child are in excellent health.
We were ecstatic earlier this year, when we announced that Kayte was carrying twins. Tragically we lost the little boy shortly thereafter. This was not something we cared to make known publicly at the time. It was unspeakably painful and we know that people will understand our desire to keep the news private then, as we know they will respect our privacy in this matter now.
A glorious birth with a lingering sadness is ours today. We choose to celebrate the life that has been given us. We proudly introduce our Faith Evangeline Elisa Grammer, to the world today looking forward to the days ahead and the children yet to come.”
Just add that sadness to Kelsey's Wikipedia page. Have you ever read Kelsey's Wiki? It's like a novella. Tragedy after escandalo after tragedy. Kelsey's estranged father was shot dead, his twin half-brothers died in a scuba accident, his younger sister was murdered by a serial killer and his second wife tried to shoot his ass. There's like a full season of 48 Hours Mystery right there.
I get why the named their kid Faith and I kind of like the name Faith (any name that shares a name with a George Michael song is a good name), but did they really need to give her the initials F.E.E.G. FEEG!
As the E! cameras rolled and Pimp Mama Kris stood to the side holding a contract for her newest kash kow to sign in blood, the slow one, Kourtney Kardashian, birthed out her second baby, a daughter, in Los Angeles yesterday morning. It won't be long before you see the headline "SCOTLAND CHANGING ITS NAME TO ANYTHING BUT SCOTLAND" and this is the reason why. Right after Kourtney and Scott Disick's second kid learned how to say FML with her eyes while looking at Grandma Bruce's shellacked veal face for the first time, the family gave all the details to E! including the poor child's name:
"Scott and I are overjoyed to welcome our precious angel Penelope Scotland Disick into our lives. We are forever blessed. Mommy and baby are resting comfortably," Kourtney tells E! News.
The 33-year-old E! star had an all-natural birth, and her new mini-me tipped the scales at 7 pounds, 14 ounces.
SCOTLAND? As in Scott Land? Wouldn't Doucheland be more appropriate? But you know, I like the name Penelope and it really fits. No, Kourtney and Scott didn't give Mason's little sister the name PMK wanted, Ka-Ching Kardashian, but Penelope is even better. Just imagine PMK holding her granddaughter while saying, "What a pretty Penny." I see what you did there, Kourtney and Scott.
It seems like just yesterday when the beautiful word "SLUT" was sprayed in graffiti on Sienna Miller's house and today the words "IT'S A (insert the gender of Sienna's first baby friend here)!" were sprayed on there after she gave birth to her first kid with that fiancé who sometimes looks like a light weight sumo wrestler competing in the homeless hipster division. It really is the end of a home wrecking era, because Sienna's bull dozer vagina is temporarily retired now that a baby has passed through it. The pussy that once destroyed lives is now delivering life. As I take a moment of silence, read what UsWeekly has to say about this:
Sienna Miller and her fiance Tom Sturridge welcomed their first child over the weekend in London, a source confirms exclusively to Us Weekly. Details on the baby's gender, name and weight were not available. The British duo have been dating for over a year and debuted signs of their engagement -- Miller's dazzling diamond engagement ring -- in mid-February.
Since there aren't any details, let me fill that shit in. Sienna and Tom are both dirty boho hippies, so I'm guessing she gave birth in a backyard pond full of rose water while he hollered out some Gaelic birthing chant as he smeared lavender-infused mud all over her tits. Then after their baby was born, they melded their baby with the earth by rolling him or her in a patch of dirt. They threw a floral wreath on their baby's head, held that baby up to the sun and waited until the wind delivered their baby's name into their ears. The wind delivered the name Scrags Patchouli, obviously. The end.
Oh hell, we're all fucked, because it turns out Kris Humphries' IQ doesn't match his sperm count and he probably put a baby in the trick he started wet humping on right after Pimp Mama Kris sped up the ending to his scripted marriage to her prized pig Kim Kardashian. Myla Sinanaj, the one on the right who looks like a Bad Girls Club reject who got caught in the middle of a Wet N Wild factory explosion, claims that she's got a 3-month-old fetus up in her womb and she already loves that unborn baby so much that she sold the news to TMZ before telling Kris Humphries. I would declare this as a victory for gold diggers, but it's unethical to take advantage of a dim oaf of a douche who probably believed Myla when she told him that the only way he can make a baby is if he cums in a stork.
If this is true, then it could completely screw up Kris' divorce settlement, because he's trying to say that he was so sad on the inside after he found out Kim only used his innocent heart for a stunt and he was too busy crying every time he peed (you know, because it reminded him of Kim) to move on quickly to another trick. Kris has been trying to shut Myla up, because she's out there spilling all kinds of shit about their relationship including talking about the time he told her that Pimp Mama Kris directed Kim's fuck tape with Ray-J.
A source tells TMZ that Myla is so hurt about how Kris has treated her that she plans to have the baby and raise it on her own. That's what she thinks....
Myla probably thinks that she'll have the baby, hit Kris up for some child support and will live the gold digger dream by not having to work for the next 18 years. That's not going to happen. Kris doesn't even remember which letter comes after "c" in the alphabet, so I doubt he remembers that when he sold his soul to the Kuntrashians he also promised to give him his first born. So ten seconds after Myla delivers her baby via c-section (duh), Pimp Mama Kris will show herself in a cloud of bronzer dust and collect that kid before slithering out the window. Then PMK will dip that baby in glue, roll it in Sasquatch fur and give it to Khloe Kardashian who will claim it as her own and pose with it on the cover of Life & Style. The Kuntrashians will turn Myla's money baby into their money baby. It's like that.
Matthew McConaughey took a break yesterday from celebrating his Fourth of July by busting the national anthem on his bongos drums while only wearing American flag nipple tassels and he jumped on Twitter to tell his followers that ANOTHER fetus has moved into Camila Alves' uterus. So instead of just 2 kids screaming "DAAAAAAAAD!" in a few years after seeing the Texas T-Rex clench his greasy nalgas in Magic Mike, there will be 3! Here's Matthew's latest BABY!!! announcement and it helps if you read it while picturing him saying it in a leather vest and a matching leather thong.
happy birthday America, more good news, Camila and I are expecting our 3rd child, God bless, just keep livin
You'd think that the Texas T-Rex's sperm fishes are as stoned as him, so they'd take their time in making their way to Camila's ovaries and play beats on her eggs like a bongo instead of doing what they're supposed to do.... But nope, his sperm fishes get shit done!
Matthew and Camila's 2-year-old is named Vida and their 3-year-old is named Levi, so obviously they're going to stick with the 4 letter name. I'm guessing they'll go with Bong McConaughey.
I'd rather hear this news from Rickie in the girls' bathroom while I peed sitting down, but Angela Chase gave the news to People first, so I'll just have to deal. Claire Danes' spokeswhore tells People that's she's got a womb full of baby and she made that baby with the dude I always forget she's married to, Hugh Dancy. They better name that baby Catalano Rayanne.
Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy are expecting their first child, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.
“There’s definitely a chance, no plans yet,” the Homeland star, 33, told PEOPLE last fall when asked if a baby could be on the way shortly. “But yeah, that’d be fun.”
Danes, who won a Golden Globe in January, wed Hannibal star Dancy, 37, in a private ceremony in France in 2009.
Don't worry, OBAMA, Claire's baby will pass through her vagina long after shooting for season 2 of Homeland ends, so your viewing experience will not be interrupted. SELFISH! Anyway, I hope Claire's baby is born with its father's lashes, because if it's not, then Latisse will have to make some lash growing shit for newborns. When your lashes grow, your lashes show! You know, fuck that Catalano Rayanne shit. Claire should totally name that baby Latisse. It's a hot name and it's only an "r" away from Latrice as in Royale.
Just when I thought that this Friday would be like every other day this week, slower than Kristen Stewart, the news keeps pouring out. The drought is over (today at least). First we hear that Katie Holmes has finally crawled out of Scientology's asshole and now Adele tells us that she's knocked up. Adele announced on her site today that she's going to have her first baby with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. And today is one of those days where I don't even give a fuck that Adele launched herself over the moon while writing this statement on her iPad. Bitch only gets one OTM warning, though, and this is it!
Im delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx
Everybody should respect Adele's privacy at this precious time, but only because she's going to yodel out every detail about it in her next album anyway. Adele is going to go from singing about getting burned by a lovah to singing about making babies. I can already see the song titles...Spermin' in the Deep, Chasing Pampers, Set Fire to the Nappies, etc....
Here's Adele and her piece Simon and their first child, a puppy, earlier this year.