BABIES!!!

I always forget that Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell are bumping genitals and I guess they're still bumping genitals and all the genital bumping they're doing led to a fetus in Veronica Mars' womb. Dax and Kristen started doing it full-time in 2007 and they got engaged in 2009, but they have always said that they're pulling some Brangelina shit, because they're not getting married until everyone can get married. While they're waiting for that to happen, they made a baby. Dax and Kristen's rep confirms the news to People and said this:

“They’re so excited — they’re both ecstatic. They can’t wait to become parents. Kristen had a little bit of morning sickness early on but she just started shooting the second season of House of Lies and is feeling great now.”

I really, really hope that Veronica Mars lets Dax Shepard name their first kid. Dax's parents named him DAX and so he obviously has the give-a-baby-a-fucked-up-name gene and so Kristen should let him handle that. Besides, if a baby coming out of her poon is as exciting to Kristen as sloths, then she'll be too stunned with excitement to form words.

And because no story is complete without man nipples, here's a topless Dax shooting scenes for that When in Rome crap back in 2008. Dax always confuses me, because he's like equal parts Ashton Kutcher and Owen Wilson. I don't know if I would. Okay, I would. The leather belt dick is what did it for me.

If I had a baby friend, I'd only dress it in a diaper and a poncho made from a giant paper napkin, because babies spit, snot, piss and shit on everything and they have no respect for clothes. Babies don't care that somewhere in China a baby their age made that onesie. Rude. Well, Posh Beckham is with me. Sort of. But to Posh, her idea of a paper napkin poncho is a $285 Marc Jacobs toddler dress.

The Daily Mail says that Posh never puts 15-month-old Harper Seven in the same outfit twice and her daughter's wardrobe is worth $8,000. So far, Posh has bought (aka bitch got that shit for free) Harper a $160 sweater by Bonpoint, a $415 coat from Chloe and a $136 dress from Stella McCartney. Harper Seven never spits up on the same outfit twice, because Posh never dresses her in the same ensemble more than once.

Babies don't even know what clothes are, so spending $8,000 on their wardrobe is kind of a waste. But that being said, 8 grand ain't shit to Posh and Becks. Posh spends more than $8,000 a week on bunny fur tampons and maxi-pads with wings (actual wings from an endangered trumpeter swan). Posh's hair is made of the manes of Arabian horses and one weave track costs more than $8,000. So $8,000 is really a drop in the diamond-encrusted champagne bucket to them.

And Blue Ivy Carter is spitting up caviar while laughing at this. Blue Ivy Carter won't even shit in a diaper unless it's cashmere, covered in sapphires and costs more than 10 grand. Shitting in anything else is just embarrassing.

After what felt like the shortest making of a celebrity baby in the history of celebrity baby making, Adele gave birth to a baby on Friday night. Nurses and doctors at the hospital in Britain where she popped her first kid out were seen crying sad tears into a bowl of cake batter and lost dreams, because even Adele's birthin' yodel sounds like a sad, sad love song. The Sun says that 24-year-old Adele returned from the moon to birth out her first kid with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. The Daily Mail asked Adele's rep about this, but Adele's rep did what most of us are doing on this Hangover Sunday. Adele's rep rolled over on their side in their bed, screamed at the DM to get them a cheesy bagel and then ordered everyone to stop putting words in their ears.

"We are not releasing a statement at this time. No comment."

So we don't have a name or any other highly important details. The only thing we do know is that Adele's baby is in his crib, currently humming out a song about breaking up with his mom's womb. It will be debut #1 on iTunes in 15 countries and Grey's Anatomy will play it during a montage in their next episode.

Uma Thurman and her piece Arpad Busson said "hi" to their daughter for the first time almost three months ago, but they're barely releasing her name and I'm guessing it's because they couldn't agree on a name. So instead of agreeing on a name, they just gave her ALL the names. Before you read this child's name, stretch your eyeballs, eat a Bear Naked bar for protein, tell your loved ones you love them in case you don't make it back, make the sign of the holy cross, write a will and then inhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale. This is what Uma and Arpad named their daughter:

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson

Does Uma think she's Hispanic or some shit? Hispanics are known worldwide as being major name whores and now Uma is trying to beat them at their own game. That kid has the name of a Chekhov character or Russian royalty or a Brazilian footballer. THE HELL? When I read that name out loud, I feel like I'm cursing somebody or casting a spell. The thing is, Uma's rep tells People that they're just calling her Luna. They gave her all those damn names and they're just calling her by four letters. Poor Luna. Homegirl is going to have to ask for extra paper when she's filling out forms.

Luna should just fuck that name and go by Raaaft Bee.

If you're looking for a baby chowder donor and the only thing you care about is if your donor has been in an episode of TOWIE or if he's done toe sex with Katie Price, then this is the sperm bank for you. Who cares about the donor's IQ! Who cares how tall the donor is! Who cares if the donor's dominant gene is the asshole gene! The only thing you should care about is if the donor's famous. Give us that celeb jizz!

The Sun points us to a new British sperm bank called Fame Daddy that's bragging about having over 40 famous sperm donors in their catalog. They say they have an Oscar-winner, a rock star, a footballer, an aristocrat and an Olympic gold medalist. For just  £15,000, ladies can get shot up with sperm from a famous ho. There's even a quiz on the site that tells you who your dream fame daddy is (mine is Obama). Just like with any sperm bank, they won't tell your ass who's the owner of the A-list spunk and your kid can only find out after they turn 18 and only if the donor wants your kid to know. So for all you know, they could take your 15 thousand pounds and give you a turkey baster full of regular ole' peon cum. But you know, it'll be really easy to tell who your baby's famous daddy is:

If your baby has genital warts for eyes and is always draining your booze cabinet, its daddy is a cast member from Geordie Shore.

If your baby is always crashing its toy car into walls and feels most comfortable hanging out in public bathrooms, its daddy is George Michael.

If your baby snorts your breast milk instead of drinking it and is highly allergic to soap, its daddy is Pete Doherty.

Or if you really want to get knocked up by a "celebrity" and want to save yourself 15 thousand pounds, just hang out in the nearest McDonald's and wait for KFed to show up (it won't take long). After he eats their entire supply of McNuggets and fries, rub your coochie in the eatin' puddle of slobber he left on the table. BOOM! You're pregnant with KFed's baby and Brit Brit will have to pay you child support for the rest of your days. That's how it's done.

No, Brian Austin Green's nostrils aren't inhaling two servings of Megan Fox's pregnancy farts. Brian Austin Green's facial expression dial is permanently stuck on "Snarling Bulldog."

The world's most prolific philosopher and Forever David Silver To Me never opened up their mouths to say that he put a Silver Baby in her Fox Womb, but they basically confirmed it with some completely natural and not-at-all staged pictures that weren't taken in front of a "tropical landscape" background at a Sears Portrait Studio. If anything, those pictures were TOO natural.

Well, when it came time for Brian Austin Green to lure his Silver Fox baby out of Megan Fox's uterus by singing an a capella version of "You're So Precious To Me," I didn't think they'd announce it since they are so private and all (insert rolling of eye here). I figured they'd just do what my 14-year-old cousin did. One day she told me she was just getting fat and the next day she had a newborn baby in her arms and I was like, OK! Megan didn't do that. Megan went on Facebook (via USWeekly) today to announce the birth of her first son and Brian Austin Green's second son.

We have been very lucky to have had a peaceful few weeks at home, but I would like to release this myself before others do. I gave birth to our son Noah Shannon Green on September 27th. He is healthy, happy, and perfect.

We are humbled to have the opportunity to call ourselves the parents of this beautiful soul and I am forever grateful to God for allowing me to know this kind of boundless, immaculate love.

Thanks to those of you who wish to send your positive energy and well wishes. May God bless you and your families abundantly.

Noah Shannon Green is lucky for 3 reasons:

1. Noah Shannon Green will have biceps on his eyes from constantly rolling his seeing balls while his mom mouth shits out her usual words of wisdom.

2. If Noah Shannon Green wants to be the star player of his Irish church's golf league, he already has the name for it.

3. Noah Shannon Green will inherit all of his father's hottest ensembles from the 90s. I hope Little NSG wears ensemble #6 to his first day at Harvard. (NSG's mother is the smartest woman in the world so he's skipping grade, junior and high school and going directly to graduate school!)

51-year-old fashion designer and curator of all things refined Tom Ford and his 60-something partner Richard Buckley announced today that they are fathers to a newborn baby boy they named Alexander John Buckley Ford. Vogue.com says that Alexander John Buckley Ford was born on September 23rd in Los Angeles. It's fitting that Tom and Richard's baby has the full name of a gun-slinging old timey bandit who once robbed a Wells Fargo stagecoach of all their coins, because this baby will forever be rolling around in gold and luxury.

Baby AJ will never know what it's like to get a rash on his nalgas from sleeping on an egg crate covered with a 150 grit bed sheet from Ikea. Baby AJ will never have to cross his fingers when he tries to get $20 out of the ATM by depositing a $40 check he wrote to himself.

Baby AJ will always be surrounded by opulence, luxury and beauty. And yes, I'll stop being jealous of a baby who isn't even a month old.

Drew Barrymore never came out and said publicly that a growing fetus moved into her uterus, so let's just pretend that she didn't know she had a case of the babies and will be seen on a reboot of TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant making a surprise face after she pisses out her first kid into the toilet.

The star of the greatest cinematic masterpiece about a teenage slut murderess and her husband Will Kopelman have a 5-day-old baby in their arms and they announced the birth of their first kid in this statement of words they gave to UsWeekly:

"We are proud to announce the birth of our daughter, Olive Barrymore Kopelman, born September 26th, healthy, happy and welcomed by the whole family. Thank you for respecting our privacy during this most special time in our lives."

Okay, when are we going to find out that Drew Barrymore, Anne Hathaway and Reese Witherspoon all married the same dude? They all married white dudes with faces I totally forget. And about that name Olive... Drew is a hippie who named her production company Flower Films, so I was expecting her to name her kid something like Pansy Lysander or Daffodil Silvermist. You know, something sounds like the name of a Pottery Barn potpourri inspired by Midsummer Night's Dream.

Whatever, at least when Olive grows up, she can greet everyone by saying, "Olive, Olive, charmed, charmed!"

Somewhere in a labor room in California, Reese Witherspoon birthed out another baby friend as she screamed at a permanently heartbroken RPattz to stop crying sparkly tears on her shoulder already, because bitches are starting to think she's a raver or works as a stripper at night. Reese put RPattz's Heartbreak House of WOE on the market to try to get rid of him and he still won't go away. Anyway...

Another kid gets to say the name "Uncle RPattz," because Reese gave birth to her third kid and her husband Jim Toth's first kid, a boy, this morning. That baby is probably all chin and moose knuckle. Reese's kids with Ryan Phillippe, Ava and Deacon, have names that make them sound like the biggest tattle talers in bible class, but she didn't keep with that theme when naming her newborn son. Here's a hint as to what Reese and Jim named their baby boy:

Their rep tells People that they named him: TENNESSEE JAMES TOTH!

Tennessee James sounds like the name of an orphan who was raised by a bunch of wild west wenches after his parents dropped him on the doorstep of a brothel, because they were bandits and the sheriff was after them. Reese grew up in Tennessee, so that's probably why she gave him the name Tennessee. (Tip: Naming your kid after the place you grew up is never a cute idea.)

I'd totally be all about this name if Reese came out and said she named him after her favorite kinds of booze. Tennessee = Tennessee whiskey and James = Bartles & Jaymes. Naming your kid after booze is the best idea, because you probably drank a lot when you made them and you're going to need to drink even more to deal with them. Which is why if two bandits ever drop a baby on my doorstep, because they're running from the law, I will name him Strawberry Hill Andre.

It's only been eight months since the reincarnation of Jesus was born and named after a Central Florida strip club, but Hollywood Life is saying that the makers of Creme de la Mer diaper cream and chinchilla bibs are getting ready for more orders, because Beyonce and Jay-Z are having another chosen child of the 1%. Beyonce went to a restaurant in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan a couple of nights ago and if you tilt your head, squint your eyes and try to imagine smelling the scent of sweat gathered under a first trimester baby pillow, you sort of see a bump there...but not really. Beyonce's probably just clenching her stomach to push out an after-dinner fart.

Some source also tells Media Takeout that Beyonce is about 3 months knocked up and will have her second kid sometime in the spring and will probably name it Thistle Hibiscus (the color blue and plants are so 2012). But Tina Knowles tells Access Hollywood that tabloid reporters shouldn't run to Tribeca to knock on every apartment door hoping to find a pregnant South American surrogate, because Beyonce's Tempur-Pedic baby pillows are still hanging in her closet and she's not pregnant, but "it’s gonna happen when it’s time, but not right now.”

Normally, I wouldn't trust one word coming out of Tina Knowles' mouth, because she promised eternal happiness to Ariel and we all know what happened there, but I believe her this time. If Beyonce was expecting another chosen one, she wouldn't make it be known by flashing a tiny bump at a restaurant in Washington Heights! Beyonce would stay hidden for months and then on the night of the presidential inauguration ball in January, she'd put on a Lady Liberty costume, sit on a giant bald eagle and wave as she's lowered onto the stage. As soon as her foot stepped onto the stage, she'd rip off her gown to unveil a giant bump with an American flag (but instead of stars, there'd be tiny Beyonce & Jay-Z heads on the blue part) painted on it. When Beyonce announces shit, Beyonce ANNOUNCES shit.

Although, Basement Baby went to an amfAR gala in Milan the other night and she did look like she was carrying a baby up in her afro....