Jon & Kate's dramz is on the cover of 4 magazines this week and that's kind of a good thing. I mean, the more attention Kate's raggedy beast hair gets, the better. Maybe this can convince other women to visit their local JcPenney salon and ask for the "Gosselin." The world really needs more special needs beaver heads roaming the land. Anycunty....
It's been Gosselin fevah these past couple of weeks and it's reaching a boiling point. It's called publicity, people! You gotta pass that pussay to sell a book. The truth!
Most of the covers focus on Kate's maybe affair with her married silver fox bodyguard who looks like he grits his teeth when he cums. UsWeekly says that the two aren't doing much to hide their horniness for each other (why did I type that?). One source said, "She was gently poking him, giving him little love pats, totally unlike the slapping she does with Jon. She and Steve were joking around so much, I actually wondered if they were having an affair. There's a lot of open affection between them."
Um. That's not "love pats" she's giving Jon. That's called "ripping his nutsack off with her bare claws!"
Star says that Jon thinks Kate IS rubbing her 8-mile snatch all over her bodyguard. A source also said that Kate is okay with Jon hittin' underground pussay as long as he stays on the show. Kate has apparently put a contract together and is making Jon sign it.
Now on to People! They got an actual interview with the Cunt Queen herself! Kate says that her marriage has been at the bottom of a toilet for a while now and she's ready to flush it if that's what it comes to. She said, "I don't know that we're in the same place anymore, that we want the same thing (Ed note: Yeah, he wants a pussy that doesn't belong to you). I've been struggling with the question of 'Who is this person?' for a while. I remember where I was the first time I heard her name. It's one of those things where you can try to make it go away, but there's blaring, red flashing lights. I will never give up hope that every member of our family can be absolutely happy again."
She forgot to add, "BUY MY BOOK! WATCH MY SHOW! PET MY HAIR!"
File this under: A rumor that makes you want to go back to bed with the biggest bottle of hooch you can find, pull the covers over your head and weep, weep, weep for humanity. There's a rumor going around that HoHan's got a little HoBaby growing inside her womb. Yeah, I know you're finding this shit hard to believe, because everybody was under the impression that she no longer has any organs. And if she does, I think even her ovaries got the memo and would not allow this fuckery to happen! They are refusing entry!
Some source tells Ian Undercover (via Showbiz Spy) that after HoHan and SamRo broke up, she started passing that hongray pussay around and kind of made a baby, “I swear she’s carrying. She’s going through big emotional turmoil. She’s not sure if she’ll have it or go through with an abortion that she booked to have in the next few days. Saddest part is she has no idea who the father is. She must have slept with more than two dozen men in the past couple of months.”
Where is baby going to chill? There's no room in that bony ass body for a chickpea, let alone a baby friend! Is there such thing as a colostomy bag for a fetus, because if there is, bitch is going to need one.
I'm going to take this with a grain of the bad shit for now, but I really wouldn't put this trick. When all else fails, have a money baby! Note to Child Protective Services: Start a file...just in case.
Here's a future mother of the year trolling around Malibu this past weekend. That hot piece in the second thumbnail below is giving me a fever!
Tobey Maguire and his wife thing, Jennifer Meyer, had one of those baby creatures yesterday in Los Angeles. Methinks they both fell asleep during labor, because even they aren't susceptible to their own boredom. But thankfully, they woke up again and managed to push out their second BABY!!!!! Their spokeswhore told People that they had a baby boy. But of course, we don't know the name yet.
Tobes and Jenny already have a 2-year-old daughter they call Ruby. Does this mean they are going to name their son Diamante? Or maybe Rhinestone? Or Dazzles? Yeah, I fucking wish. They are going to bring the bores with a name like Jacob, which is the number one baby name of 2008. AGAIN.
Jacob has held the top spot for boy names for ten years. Jacob is always keeping Michael down. The name Michael hasn't been on top since '98. Which is funny because that's the last time this Michael was on top too if I ain't being too subtle. Yes, I always have to go THERE!
Click here to see the top BABY NAMES!!! of '08.
Mel Gibson and his wifey were separated for a couple of years before she dropped divorced papers into his lap, right? Why would she suddenly want to legally quit his ass after two years of being broken up? The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy) says that the reason might have been because Mel's new whore is carrying his latest spawn. File this under: The Passion of the NOOOOO!!!
A source said that Oksana Grigorieva is about three months pregnant. Late last month, Mel gathered his whole family around and let them all know the horrific news. Mel's oldest sons, Edward and Christian, immediately hired lawyers to make sure their trust funds are safe. The source went on to say, “They are quite upset. Even though Mel assured them the pregnancy was unplanned, they’re furious with him and say they’re going to take steps to protect their inheritance, which they feel is in jeopardy.”
Cue my Catholic abuelita screaming SANTO DIOS again! A married Catholic knocking up his married whore who has the face of an OctoCrazy? Typical shit.
If this is true, I have to hand it to OctoSana. Bitch knows how to get that money in record time. She saw, he came, she conquered, I barfed.
Kate Gosselin dragged her beaten down beaver hair onto Larry King last night to pimp out that book she wrote about being a big ass cunt. No, the book is about kiddes or something. But she really should write a book on how to embrace your cuntness, because she is quickly becoming my cunt idol.
Of course, Larry brought up the whole "Jon is bumping on a teacher" thing. Larry read a statement from Jon where he once again denied ever getting sexy with that woman. Kate blamed fame. But she also blamed Jon for being so stupid in the brains.
Kate told Larry, "I am not a celebrity. "I am a mom and a wife. And I feel that Jon is having difficult times realizing that, you know, you can't go to the grocery store without people whipping out their cell phones, calling everyone they know and taking pictures of you. He is dealing very poorly with it. And I feel like these, you know, things are making him realize, oh, my gosh, I cannot go anywhere without everyone knowing. I look at life as a glass half full is my attitude. And I feel like we have learned a lot, the kids have gained a lot. We have benefited a lot. And life lessons is -- you will see in our show. And this is full of life lessons. Life happens. And, you know, we all have to react to what happens to us. And I choose happiness. And I choose to survive anything."
And you also choose to be the biggest cunt who ever cunted. Heather Mills better hop up her game.
You know, does Jon do anything right, Kate? I'm sure can't pee pee right. He can't wipe his ass by himself right. He can't even cry over his slaughtered balls right. Shit, he can't even cheat right! The only thing he does right is do everything wrong! Preach it, Kate!
Chyler Leigh, who plays Dr. Lexie on Grey's Anatomy, popped out a baby girl today. Chyler and her husband, Nathan West, named the poor child Anniston Kae. This is the closest Jennifer Aniston will ever get to having a baby friend of her very own, right? Jen should send Chyler a fruit basket as a thank you.
A few months ago, Chyler said she was planning to name her baby Aniston, but I thought the trick was just telling jokes. Back then, Chyler said, “It was just something…my husband and I were trying to look for different names and both of our kids have a traditional and a unique name, so we were kind of just looking for something not as common."
Chyler and Nathan's other kids are named Noah Wilde and Taelyn Leigh.
Noah Wilde sounds dangerously close to Noah Wylie. It sounds like Chyler and Nathan like naming their kids after NBC stars. They are totally going to name their next kid Cox after Courtney Cox. Shit, that would've been better than Anniston Kae!
You know how there were rumors that Matthew Broderick was stepping out on SJP and they were going to quit their marriage? Well, everything's just wonderful now, because they are having twin
BAND-AIDS BABIES!!!! Don't worry, SJP's sexy filly body isn't going to get all fat, because they are using a surrogate.
A rep for Matthew, 47, and SJP, 44, confirmed the news to E! and said they are having two daughters. The two already have a 6-year-old son named James Wilkie.
They had to hire a professional baby oven. They had no choice. I'm sure SJP tried to do sexy times with Matthew, but every time he sees a live vagina, he gets all giggly and then breaks into the title number from "Hello Dolly!" complete with jazz hands galore. He does that whenever he gets nervous. Then SJP neighs to herself and gallops off all frustrated-like. So, this was the only way.
Madonna is really trying to make her child happen in the fashion world. Before his pimp and savior came along, Baby Jesus was just another purdy face in a sea of models. But now that he's Vadge's main culo tickler, the work has been pouring in and not everyone's has smile faces about it.
Last week, Baby Jesus walked the Jeffrey Fashion Cares show in NYC and the other models crucified him with their words! A source told Gatecrasher, “None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him. They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn’t wait for his career to fizzle out.” His career?! What about his peen fizzling? It probably looks like a dehydrated green bean now.
The catty models and I can laugh all we want, but Baby Jesus is still getting work, dehydrated peen and all. He's about to shoot a campaign for Dolce & Gabbana. And Marc Jacobs even wrote a letter to the US Visa people telling him that Baby Jesus needs to stay in the country to work, because he's important to the fashion industry. I just rolled my eyes so hard that my contact popped out! Baby Jesus is no Sue Ellen Crandell.
If I were Baby Jesus, I'd quit this modeling thing and focus on getting knocked up! Hey, Vadge probably produces man sperm, so it's not totally out of the question. Baby Jesus needs to get pregnant to secure his future! And if he can give birth to an African orphan, even better.
Here's Baby Jesus' adopted memaw taking her new face out for a walk in NYC last night.
Just a few days after a horse threw Vadge off its back causing her to break into a million tiny pieces like a Jenga puzzle, she was back out wining and dining her sweet Baby Jesus. Madonna and child shared a meal together at the Waverly Inn in NYC last night. Well, he probably ate and she sat back, taking in the intoxicating scent of the young blood running through his baby veins. Vadge really gets off watching her victims eat just before she devours the hotness right out of them.
You know, I've said this eleventy times before, but Vadge's FACE. HER FACE. I took a magnifying glass to these pictures, because I wanted to find a little pair of culo lips somewhere on her mug. I'm convinced her face has been covered with the skin of a baby's ass.
Stepford Katie won't be the only inanimate object with a child, because Julie Chen announced this morning that she's knocked up. The 39-year-old Asian robot host of Big Brother and The Early Show said that she's due in October. This is her first baby bot with husband and boss Les Moonves. 60-year-old Les already has three big ass children of his own from his first wife. The same wife he left The Chenbot for! He couldn't resist her animatronic cooch.
The Chenbot said that being knocked up will not slow her down. She will host Big Brother this summer as planned. Chenbot should really just rest her nuts and bolts. CBS can use a hologram to host that shit instead. NOBODY will notice. BUT FIRST!
And The Chenbot is totally going to pop out a giant plastic head covered in foundation. Don't be surprised.