BABIES!!!

"Sorry to disappoint. But no baby on the way here" is what 25-year-old Evan Rachel Wood tweeted back in November after the paparazzi took pictures (see below) of her looking like a fetus just moved it and all of its things into her uterus. But a fetus was squatting in her womb at the time and apparently Evan Rachel Wood didn't know it. ERW said on Twitter (via People) today that she and her husband Jamie Bell will have a human ball of slobber in their arms in a few months.

Remember when i said, "No baby on the way here" Well, I didnt know there actually was! pic.twitter.com/wnig1nRK Thanks for all your warm wishes. We are very happy. I'm gonna be a mama!

That baby is going to the biggest hipster baby who ever hipstere'd. They will name it Quadrophenia Kale Wood Bell and its cries will sound like a Melody's Echo Chamber song and it will wear floral culottes, ironically.

I know Evan Rachel Wood is married to Billy Elliot and is now knocked up, but I still look at her name and instantly think to myself, "Gurrrl, you fucked Marilyn Manson."

Rosie O'Donnell announced on Instagram today that she and her trophy wife Michelle Rounds are moms to their first cutie patootie (never 4get The Rosie O'Donnell Show 1996-2002) together. Rosie posted this picture of their baby friend along with this note written in text talk:

"we r thrilled to announce the arrival of r daughter Dakota - #withloveandthanks - AMEN"

Rosie didn't say anything else. Did they used a surrogate? I don't know. Did they adopt Baby Dakota? I don't know. Was Michelle Rounds knocked up with Baby Dakota? I don't know. Was Rosie O knocked up with Baby Dakota (note: I'd be pissed if Rosie O was pregnant and didn't let us know, because that means we missed out on pictures of her knocked up body in CROCs and a wet swimming t-shirt)? Probably not. Did they secretly grow Baby Dakota O'Donnell in the nest on Donald Trump's head without him knowing? Probably so. The only thing we do know is that Rosie is a mother for the fifth time and she and her wife gave their daughter an Irish stripper's name.

And did you know Rosie's oldest kid, Parker, is 17? We're all old! Reading that Parker is 17 made a grey hair grow out of my ear.

Farrah Abraham of MTV's Teen Mom is tattooing the words "Mother of the Year" on her crotch, because she believe she's the greatest mother ever for tweezing her 3-year-old daughter's unibrow hairs as the kid slept. In a blog post on Sulia, Teen Mom Farrah, who spent $16,000 on a new face, writes about her adventures in baby brow waxing. Farrah pulled out the waxing strips, because she says she felt sorry for her daughter Sophia and wanted to beautify Sophia's brow situation. Here's the blog post that only a Toddlers & Tiaras mom could love (yes, I laughed at "standout historical moment in motherhood"):

SOOOOOooooo, this is a touchy subject the Unibrow thing.

But recently I could not ignore it, like I know I've seen madonna's duaghter have a stand out uni brow, I remember when I was little I had a unibrow, but I couldn't remember if there was an age limit, a rule!

So here I am faced with a standout historical moment in motherhood when I can confirm to myself that my little, adorable,most cuddle-able cutie, baby girl has a Unibrow :( , I felt bad for her, and I started asking friends.... is this hair just going to fall out... is it just hormones at this age?, well the hair didn't go away and others started saying it was here to stay.

So I told sophia (my daughter who is a late 3 years old) of the little issue on her brow, and I showed her how I waxed mine off, so I tryed to wax her, the second a dab hit the Uni, she touch it with the towel she had in her hand,

UHHH so now, wax was in the towel, and I yanked it back ASAP, but fuzz was not stuck to the wax stuck to her Uni, OMG moment, So now sophia was freaking out, so I had to act like it was a cool science project to get the wax off.

PLOT TO END THIS: Sophia feel a sleep, I got my tweezers and Pluck-pluck-pluck......soph was now saying ouch or anything and still was asleep, I got most of it off and then finally she woke up..I went to sleep .

The next morning I showed her and told her how well she did and she didn't even know, She was more intrigued now to be ok with upkeeping her non-unibrow. I could tell she was proud.

Ah I feel like a good mom:) other moms tell me your ideas!

One of my cousins had a glorious unibrow for most of her childhood and her parents refused to let her pluck it away even after she told them that kids made fun of her for it. She tried to hide it by growing her bangs long, but that didn't work. (Side note: She should've united her bangs with her bushy unibrow by braiding them together. That would've been the look.) She was desperate to get rid of the hairy bridge that connected her right brow to her left brow. So one night, she blew out a candle and poured the hot wax on her face. The dumbass didn't lose any brow hairs, but she did gain a burn on her forehead. After that, her mom regularly plucked away her unibrow for her.

So I can sort of understand where that dumb dumb Farrah is coming from, but isn't 3 way too young for that kind of shit? And who the hell tweezes their daughter's eyebrows in her sleep? If Farrah just had to get rid of her 3-year-old's unibrow, she should've done it a better way. I mean, Farrah should've burned her daughter's brow hairs off by playing her abomination of a song for them. Farrah's music makes my ear tunnels burn, so I'm sure it has the same effect on brow hairs.

via UsWeekly 

Yes, we all knew this was coming. Brace yourselves for POST after POST about the love child of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West from this and every other blog for the foreseeable future. Excuse me for a second, I have a serious case of the barfs for some reason. Hold it down girlfriend, you don't want to waste delicious booze on this trash. Swallow HARD, breathe, and... As Michael K told us all early this morning, Kanye told the world that yes the Antichrist baking in Hell Kim's oven. In the video above you can see Kanye announcing their joy and our pain to the world.

TMZ says that the announcement came as a complete surprise to Kim, who thought they had planned to keep it a secret until she started showing, and she cried tears of joy as she sat in the audience with Satan her mom, her BFF, and several of Kanye's family members. I read that as "Kim cried angry tears that Kanye and his big fat mouth just cost her a huge check from E! for the announcement" and smiled. See? Every cloud has a silver lining, no matter how dark and foreboding.

Kim's official statement about it is on Celebitchy. She said:

It’s true!! Kanye and I are expecting a baby. We feel so blessed and lucky and wish that in addition to both of our families, his mom and my dad could be here to celebrate this special time with us. Looking forward to great new beginnings in 2013 and to starting a family. Happy New Year!!! Xo

Um Kim, before that new beginning you may want to do an ending, like I don't know, maybe getting a divorce from your current husband Kris what's-his-name. Just saying. But that wouldn't be tacky as fuck, so yeah let's not expect too much.

TMZ also reports that Kim is getting PAID 6 figures (dontpuke dontpuke dontpuke) to show up for the New Year's Eve bash at 1 Oak on the Las Vegas strip tonight and she's not going to let a little case of the babies stand in her way of getting that cash. As much as I would love to go all Judge Judy and slam a gavel down on her face for partaking in the sweet nectar with a brat in her belly, she's never been known as a drinker so that's probably not an issue. Can I hammer her anyway, please?? Just once. So anyway, for all of you planning to attend the festivities at 1 Oak tonight, get your seat early since Kim's double wide trailer ass will take about 100 of them once she shows up.

You know how you were taking a walk on Sunday night and a drop of white goop fell on your forehead? You thought it was just a pigeon shitting from above. But nope, that wasn't it. It was Pimp Mama Kris' panty pudding flying out of her snatch after she learned that the STUNT QUEEN BABIES of all STUNT QUEEN BABIES is in her daughter's womb. At his show in Atlantic City, Gay Fish announced that he put a baby in Kim Kardashian. The Mayans got it wrong. December 21, 2012 wasn't supposed to be the last day of the world. It's (insert the date that Kim butt births out her first born). I CAN'T even, so I'll let E! News take it from here:

E! News has confirmed with the Kardashian family that Kim is expecting her first child with the rapper. But it was West who already spilled the exciting news to a few hundred concertgoers.

During his Atlantic City show on Sunday night, West decided to announce that Kim was expecting to all his fans. Kanye West says he "ain't crazy."

And the congratulatory tweets have already begun for the future parents. "Congrats to Kim and Kanye. Happy for both of them... bit.ly/YE4Uzh," Russell Simmons tweeted, while the Kardashians all showed their joy for the newest member of the family. "Im a happy girl !!!!!!!!! Wowza! Oh BABY BABY BABY," Kris Jenner tweeted. Khloé Kardashian Odom wrote, "Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!!" Kourtney Kardashian also went to Twitter with, "Been wanting to shout from the rooftops with joy and now I can! Another angel to welcome to our family. Overwhelmed with excitement!"

Kim is about 12 weeks pregnant.

12 weeks?! That means Kim Kartrashian is going to birth out a baby about the same time as Duchess Kate is going to push out the future Queen of King of England. Oh here go hell come. We should all say goodbye to oxygen, because Kim's ass is going to get so HUGE that it's going to take over most of the world and all of our faces will be pressed against he earth's surface when she reaches her last trimester.

And well, now we know that you can get knocked up from letting your piece piss on your ass. And I bet the Illuminati's chosen one will be named King Kimye. Lord help us all! Jesus take the bedazzled wheel.

It was a bittersweet day for Matthew McConaughey on Friday. It was sweet, because his wife Camila Alves birthed out their third kid together. It was bitter, because he couldn't pass around pink or blue joints since he's only nibbling on leaves and drinking cups of cold air to play Ron Woodruff. Matthew busted out a smiley face while making his baby samba out of Camila's cooch by playing her baby bump like a bongo drum, but then he quickly busted out a frowny face when he realized that he can't take a congratulatory puff from his favorite bong.

The Texas T-Rex hasn't said anything about his third kid on Twitter, yet, but sources tell People that Camila gave birth in Austin, TX on Friday. People's source needs to be a better source, because they don't know if Camila had a boy or a girl and they don't know the kid's name. Useless source!

Matthew and Camila's 3-year-old daughter is named Vida and their 4-year-old son is named Levi, so I hope they did the right thing by naming their new kid Loca. If you put a little chili on your tongue and say the names Levi, Vida and Loca really fast, it sort of sounds like Livin' La Vida Loca!

UPDATE: Matthew and Camila had a boy and they didn't name his ass Loca. If Matthew didn't temporarily break up with his bong to starve his way to an Oscar, he totally would've named him Loca. They named him Livingston instead. BOO!

Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a "GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points" side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she's eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it's her way of letting everyone know that she'll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read "BIG TITS." That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe's bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.

About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica's uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, "Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I'm hongray!"

Weight Watchers didn't miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:

Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!

Translation: "Um, here's the receipt, can we go our moneys back?"

But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!

via People

I should be up to date on the vacancy status of Angela Chase's uterus, but I'm not, so the ball of popped bubble wrap I call a brain completely forgot that she was knocked up. But Claire Danes is not knocked up anymore, because she gave birth to her first kid sometime yesterday. Seeing the words "Claire Danes" and "pregnant" in the same sentence makes me remember the days when Billy Crudup left a knocked up Mary-Louise Parker for her ass. Anyway, People has all the details you care about (aka the baby name):

It will be a very happy holiday for Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy!

The Homeland star, 33, and her actor husband welcomed their first child, son Cyrus Michael Christopher Dancy, on Monday, Dec. 17, her rep confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.

Yes, CYRUS MICHAEL CHRISTOPHER. That baby is a first name hoarder. How many first names does one baby need?! Bitch should've paid tribute to her roots by naming her kid Rickie Rayanne, but she just had to go with Cyrus. Cyrus as in Billy Ray. Cyrus as in that annoying movie starring Jonah Hill. Cyrus as in the guy from The Real World: Boston who spelt it "Syrus" and got in trouble for sexing the mother of a student from the after-school program he volunteered at.

The only good thing about Claire and Hugh giving their kid the name Cyrus is that when he grows up and writes a tell-all about how he hates them for naming him Cyrus, he can call it "Cyrusiously tho?"

Last night, everybody in Canada tied weights to their baby's feet and the only authority on kidnapping we care about, Antoine Dodson, started screaming out for Canadians to HIDE YO BABIES after a video of a Golden Eagle snatching up a tiny human in a park in Montreal spread everywhere. Freaked out bitches started asking, "Are the eagles our overlords now? Is PedoBear training eagles to do his dirty work? Why doesn't Mordor show up on Apple Maps, because I need to know how to get there if eagles are mistaking babies for Hobbits now? How do I know if eagles think my baby looks delicious?" Well, people in Montreal don't have to tie their babies to benches when they go to the park, because that video is most likely a lie.

Alex Hern of the NewStatesmen, Gawker and others have pointed out that when you enhance the video, you can see a few of the CGI fuck-ups. The eagle's shadow disappears for a second, its wing also disappears and when the eagle drops the baby, it looks like the baby is floating up instead of falling. Yes, that baby could be a wizard baby, but probably not. Bird expert Ken Kaufman also said on Facebook that Golden Eagles don't really hang out in Montreal:

Hello Everyone, There is a video making the rounds on YouTube and social media right now that seemingly shows a "Golden Eagle" swooping down to try and snatch a toddler. We want you to know that the video is a fake. This kind of publicity does so much damage to birds and we hope that if you see the video posted that you will inform people that it is not real. Here's what Kenn Kaufman had to say about the video:

"A golden eagle tries to snatch a baby in Montreal," and the video goes viral. But it's faked. Golden Eagle is a scarce visitor in the Montreal area, but the bird in the video is not a Golden Eagle, nor anything else that occurs in the wild in North America. This was clearly a setup: using a falconer's bird, and probably a fake toddler for the distant scene. With all the ignorance about nature that's out there already, the last thing we need is this kind of stupid garbage.

Others also say that if it was real, that baby would've gotten shanked the hell up by the eagle's talons.

I still want to believe. I still want to believe! Not because I want eagles to snatch up babies and raise them into eagle people. I want it to be real, because maybe we can reason with the Golden Eagles and ask them to stop snatching up babies and start snatching up Kardashians instead. They're going to need to work in teams of 100, though.

Here's the video proving that it's most likely fake:

The Charming Potato who broke out of his little patch, moved to Hollywood and later became Steven Soderbergh's muse, twerked a baby right into his wife's body. Channing Tatum and his wife of 3 years Jenna Dewan-Tatum tells the magazine that gave him the "Sexiest Man Alive" title that sometimes when a husband rides his wife's pony bareback-style, a baby is made. People gave us the news like this:

The actor and his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum ”are pleased to announce that they are expecting the birth of their first child next year,” reps for the couple confirm to PEOPLE exclusively.

Some source tells UsWeekly that Carol O'Neal and Jenna were actually surprised that one of his jizz fishes headbutted its way into one of her eggs, but they're happy that they'll have a baby friend next year. Channing is going to take a year off to be with his wife and newborn.

You might be wondering why a couple who does it bareback-style is surprised about getting pregnant, but I'll have you know that they were using condoms all the time. This is how their baby was made. One night, Jenna was coming out of the shower and as she was standing there naked, she looked across the bathroom and saw Channing Tatum trying to twerk out a stubborn shit on the toilet. If you're wondering what that looks like, here you go:

BOOM! Baby. Anybody who watches Channing pump his crotch into the air live and in person, gets pregnant. Half of his fortune is spent on the child support he has to pay all the men and women who got knocked up with his baby during the filming of Magic Mike.

Here's Jenna looking pregnant at VH1 Divas last night. No, I don't know what the hell she's wearing. She's dressed like a pregnant 15-year-old at her quinceañera.